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Can't bring myself to visit difficult child
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<blockquote data-quote="rejectedmom" data-source="post: 39932" data-attributes="member: 2315"><p>I am thinking that your son feels like his life is entirely out of his control and is trying to manipulate things so he feels like he has some power over his destiny. Kids like this don't understand that they have power mearely by doing what others tell them to do. They want to feel powerful, not like sheep following along. Added to this the fact that he was abused by his father and is probably stressed by that and now he has been sent to a Residential Treatment Center (RTC) can only be adding fuel to his rebellion.</p><p>While he does need to be controlled and does need o be at the Residential Treatment Center (RTC), he also needs to feel empowered. The key is not to break these kids spirit but rather to make them learn to channel it into appropriate behaviors. Sounds easy but it is not. And some kids become so stuck in their rebellion that you cannot seem to make any headway. </p><p></p><p>You say your son's only diagnosis is ODD. Do you have imput into his care plan? Can you discuss the possibility of approaching your difficult child with some sembalance of him having some control over his destiny?</p><p></p><p>I am thinking that maybe something like this tactic will work. </p><p></p><p>I had an 11 year old foster son. He was very angry and basically put me on the firing line 24/7. His diagnosis was ED. I realized that alot of his anger came from not having any controll over his life. He had be bounced around alot. I then sat down and tried to figure out how I could help him feel like he did have some control. For me it was his grades at school. He was barely passing and not living up to his potential and was acting out in school. He was at risk of being left back. The previous foster mother made him drag an assignment sheet around and have it signed every day by every teacher and bring it home or she would punish him. it wasn't working and he was becomming more and more defiant until she finally had him removed from her home. He cam to me after being in 21 foster homes and having had three failed adoption placements. I spoke with his previous foster mother and asked what she had done in the way of dicipline school etc. I then took a different approach. I told him that I was the end of the line. That if I had him removed he would go to a group home. If he hurt any of the other children in the house he was gone if he hurt me he was gone if he damaged my property he would be gone and I would seek restitution. I then told him that I was not going to be his policeman when it came to school. I told him that a good education was a good basis for a successful future. I said that if he wanted some control over where he would end up in life that was an excellent place to start. I told him that it was his life and his responsibility to himself to do well and then I let him take control of that area of his life. He became a straight A student and never dropped the ball. He continued to make progress in other areas and was doing great until he was adopted by someone else 18 months later and things reverted back to his parent forcing issues and him feeling like he had no control. </p><p></p><p>The point is that my foster son did excellent when he felt in controll and the minute he felt that the reigns had been taken away he acted out. Obviously a 13 year old cannot have control over much of his life but maybe you and the staff at the Residential Treatment Center (RTC) can do some brain storming to come p with ideas that will make him feel more like the master of his own destiny rather than a victim. -RM</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="rejectedmom, post: 39932, member: 2315"] I am thinking that your son feels like his life is entirely out of his control and is trying to manipulate things so he feels like he has some power over his destiny. Kids like this don't understand that they have power mearely by doing what others tell them to do. They want to feel powerful, not like sheep following along. Added to this the fact that he was abused by his father and is probably stressed by that and now he has been sent to a Residential Treatment Center (RTC) can only be adding fuel to his rebellion. While he does need to be controlled and does need o be at the Residential Treatment Center (RTC), he also needs to feel empowered. The key is not to break these kids spirit but rather to make them learn to channel it into appropriate behaviors. Sounds easy but it is not. And some kids become so stuck in their rebellion that you cannot seem to make any headway. You say your son's only diagnosis is ODD. Do you have imput into his care plan? Can you discuss the possibility of approaching your difficult child with some sembalance of him having some control over his destiny? I am thinking that maybe something like this tactic will work. I had an 11 year old foster son. He was very angry and basically put me on the firing line 24/7. His diagnosis was ED. I realized that alot of his anger came from not having any controll over his life. He had be bounced around alot. I then sat down and tried to figure out how I could help him feel like he did have some control. For me it was his grades at school. He was barely passing and not living up to his potential and was acting out in school. He was at risk of being left back. The previous foster mother made him drag an assignment sheet around and have it signed every day by every teacher and bring it home or she would punish him. it wasn't working and he was becomming more and more defiant until she finally had him removed from her home. He cam to me after being in 21 foster homes and having had three failed adoption placements. I spoke with his previous foster mother and asked what she had done in the way of dicipline school etc. I then took a different approach. I told him that I was the end of the line. That if I had him removed he would go to a group home. If he hurt any of the other children in the house he was gone if he hurt me he was gone if he damaged my property he would be gone and I would seek restitution. I then told him that I was not going to be his policeman when it came to school. I told him that a good education was a good basis for a successful future. I said that if he wanted some control over where he would end up in life that was an excellent place to start. I told him that it was his life and his responsibility to himself to do well and then I let him take control of that area of his life. He became a straight A student and never dropped the ball. He continued to make progress in other areas and was doing great until he was adopted by someone else 18 months later and things reverted back to his parent forcing issues and him feeling like he had no control. The point is that my foster son did excellent when he felt in controll and the minute he felt that the reigns had been taken away he acted out. Obviously a 13 year old cannot have control over much of his life but maybe you and the staff at the Residential Treatment Center (RTC) can do some brain storming to come p with ideas that will make him feel more like the master of his own destiny rather than a victim. -RM [/QUOTE]
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