Can't get started with our 10 year old son

DDD

Well-Known Member
I apologize. Evidently I misread the type of examination suggested. Neuro/psychiatric evaluation is what I was addressing. I have had no experience with Neurological evaluations as it was never needed in our family. What type of MD recommended the neurologial evaluation and did he say what that would be looking for? I'm curious. Regardless of the exam needed I think it is imperative that you and your wife are on the same page as leaders of the family. Hugs. DDD
 

AnnieO

Shooting from the Hip
I don't think that ten year olds should get to decide what they do, regardless of their resistance. Sets up a precedence for the teen years that "I do what *I* want to do and Mom and Dad can't make me listen." I lived with a kid like that and it goes to a whole new level when they are teenagers. You can't just suddenly start to put your foot down. It doesn't work.

MWM is 190% correct on this. It is really horrible when this happens. Fact of the matter is - yeah, he might get upset, it might be a fight, but at the end of the day - YOU are the parent, HE is the child.

Also, from the point of view of someone who has been physically attacked by their (step)child - you canNOT let it get to this point. Evaluation is the first step. Fact - if he does hurt someone - not only will you be liable as a parent, or the victim - but it will spiral. Downward. QUICKLY. If he gets really out of hand, there's this phrase called "unruly child". Sometime when he's calm, explain it to him - you should be able to get a decent, local explanation from your police department. THEN USE IT IF YOU NEED TO. He needs to have consequences for his actions, and if the smaller stuff (grounding, loss of privileges, etc.) doesn't work...

Do NOT mess around with a violent child...
 
N

NJDad

Guest
Hello Evreyone and thanks for the posts. Things have escalated over the weekend with the destruction of a tv because he was not getting exactly what he wanted when he wanted it. My wife and I are meeting a therapist tonight to map out next steps.

As far as a family history of mental illness, I don't know of any. He was in the hospital for heart surgery for three days in the first week of his life. We were unable to hold him during that time, and I've often wondered if that is part of what we are dealing with now.

No traumatic family events recently.

What I know right now is that we have a scared kid who is full of anxiety and lashes out at those who love him the most.

We are taking the first of many steps in the future tonight. Thanks to all of you and keep the great insight coming-I really appreciate it.
 

busywend

Well-Known Member
There could be some attachment problems from not being able to bond right away. Does he give you hugs? Look you in the eyes when he is talking to you?

Also, many of our difficult children do not show the outside world their behavior, they reserve it for the people they know will still love them afterwards.
 
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NJDad

Guest
difficult children? I'm sorry but I'm new and learning the abbreviations! Thanks
 

AnnieO

Shooting from the Hip
difficult child = Gift From God, AKA problem child.
easy child = Perfect Child.

Does this help? difficult children, or difficult children - Gifts, plural.
 
NJDad, how you holdin' up?

As the mom of two adopted kids with attachment issues (in the context of early trauma), your son's surgery as an infant pops out as a big red flag. The stress of the surgery in the first week of his life, right out of the womb, counts as early trauma which can establish a neurological pattern of fear/hyper-arousal in the brain. I've read a lot about trauma -- I'll try to find some good, simple links for you.

Your son is young and is brain is "plastic." Neuroplasticity is a hot topic these days and new neural pathways can be established.

Let me clarify that I'm no expert and I may be all wet. Just some things to think about.

Jo
 
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NJDad

Guest
I will discuss it with our Therapist tonight. Thanks so much for the information.
 
F

Frazzledmom

Guest
Hi and welcome. Your situation sounds similar to my son when he was 10. He was violent and angry in the home and fine outside. We have parented our son VERY differently than our peers. The traditional methods of discipline NEVER worked and often made things worse so I totally get your reluctance to force him to be evaluated - not that you could anyway. And really, how good is that evaluation going to be if he is unwilling? What's worked for us definitely is bribery. We don't do it often but we reserve it for the big stuff. Until lately (he's 15 and won't do anything to please us!) it's worked like a charm. This evaluation is critical so I'd be willing to spend big bucks to get it done. The end result is the important thing, not how you go about it. If anything, my son has learned a lot about economics and is a great wheeler and dealer - he'd make a great salesman! In any case, you'll learn a lot from coming here. My husband lurks as well and it's worked wonders to get him on board. The Explosive Child will defitinely help calm things down in your home. You're absolutely right, he does not know what's wrong, just that something is...that's pretty tough for a child. Good luck and keep posting. -Lynn
 

Marguerite

Active Member
A lot of people here misunderstood the neurological assessment you mentioned, thought it was a neuropsychologist assessment. Is there a chance that you misheard your son's doctor? Could he have suggested a neuropsychologist assessment? It certainly is something to ask him.

As for your son - you feel there is a lot of anxiety there. It certainly would explain things. I know where adoption or fostering gets mentioned people often think, "attachment issues," but it's not necessarily so. Or there could be some level of attachment issue, but not the only thing or even the main thing by far. Don't stop looking for answers, is what I'm saying.

The level of violence you describe is still explainable by out of control panic and anxiety.

Your son has now definitely drawn the line in the sand and after he has calmed down you should be able to say to him, "We need to find out why this happens. We ads a family need to get some answers. You are an important part of this in finding answers for you as well. We want to help you be a happy, healthy, productive and capable person, living a good life on your own once you're an adult. But we have a lot of ground to cover in between and that is where it is our job to make sure you get any support needed along the way. Even if you don't think you need it."

Focussing on the end-game (for our kids, that's independent adulthood) might pull him up sort. Because at some level he must realise that how he behaves at home would not be acceptable at school or in a friend's home. If he can't learn self-control at home, then one day this monster will break loose in a friend's home or at school, and other people are far less forgiving.

I get that you love your son, but also realise there is something else wrong. But what?

If you have time before your appointment this evening (I'm not sure what time it is for you right now) go to www.childbrain.com and run the online informal Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD) questionnaire on him. Regardless of the results, print it out and take it to the therapist. See what he/she says. It could help 'gel' ideas because it also puts together, on one sheet of paper, a range of different issues you may not have paid as much attention to. When you live like this, a lot of things begin to slide under the radar, because they become so commonplace.

Marg
 

Wiped Out

Well-Known Member
Staff member
NJDad,
Just adding in my welcome and sending gentle hugs your way. We have dealt with a lot of violence with our son so I know how difficult that can be. I hope the meeting with the therapist tonight was helpful.
 
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