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Can't get started with our 10 year old son
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<blockquote data-quote="Marguerite" data-source="post: 399949" data-attributes="member: 1991"><p>To ensure you and your wife are working as a team on this, get her to read this thread and to lurk/post here. My husband and I are already a good team, but when I began posting here, he began lurking to read what I wrote. We would then discuss these things when we had the chance. You would think we had already talked it through - and we had - but there is something in writing it down in a place like this that condenses your thoughts on the topic and can sometimes make them more easily understood. It's also often easier to read a post (in one chunk) than to try to communicate in the midst of tantrums and distractions. My husband is now a member here although he doesn't post very often. His handle is "Marg's Man".</p><p></p><p>You talk about not wanting to draw a line in the sand with him - the thing is, your son has already drawn a line in the sand by getting violent with you and your wife.</p><p></p><p>Another thought which has been bugging me since I read your first post - I think it is imperative you have him evaluated for Asperger's. When you added in your second post that he is shy with others outside the home and his behaviour outside the home is very different, that also would fit.</p><p></p><p>Asperger's would not necessarily be bad news. However, if it goes undiagnosed and it is there, he is going to reach a point academically and socially where he really struggles. An apparently really bright kid can do well in school until a certain point, where they seem to crash and burn for no reason. But if you know, you can head that off and also get support in areas where it may be needed. </p><p></p><p>Aspie kids are often anxious (increasingly, as they reach struggle point) and often have areas of special interest or extreme capability which can be all-consuming. They will often want to talk to you about their favourite thing, ad infinitum/ad nauseum, and do not take well to adults trying to control their lives too closely. We have learned to let the child have control where it doesn't really matter, so we can have control where it does. The usual discipline methods, which are to respond to rebellion with tighter control, will make these kids worse. He does better away from home because in other people's homes he is the guest and people treat guests differently. He also knows you love him unconditionally, so he has to let go somewhere, so it is where he feels safest.</p><p></p><p>This can improve, but you will need to work with him, and with your wife. You will also need to be consistent. He is intelligent, so engage him in the process of changing his behaviour. It is unacceptable for him to continue to hurt family members, and this is the line in the sand he has drawn. You are entitled to make it safe, and if that means he has to get evaluated, then that is what has to happen. He needs to be told why, and given a chance to have some input - "Son, we are getting this evaluation to see if we can help you better control your aggression. We also want to understand why it happens, so we can help." You can also add the carrot I suggested earlier - an evaluation can open doors for him to get extension academically, if the evaluation clearly demonstrates his high capability. </p><p></p><p>He needs to understand why he has to do this. He may still be reluctant, but if he can't produce another solution, then he has to comply. Family comes first. Safety comes first. And you all need to be safe, your son included. If he does not learn self-control, then one day he will let fly and someone will have him charged. As he gets older, this becomes far more likely. If he has a diagnosis if/when this happens, then he has a better chance of getting help instead of incarceration, but there is no guarantee. </p><p></p><p>Better to fix it now while you can.</p><p></p><p>Marg</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Marguerite, post: 399949, member: 1991"] To ensure you and your wife are working as a team on this, get her to read this thread and to lurk/post here. My husband and I are already a good team, but when I began posting here, he began lurking to read what I wrote. We would then discuss these things when we had the chance. You would think we had already talked it through - and we had - but there is something in writing it down in a place like this that condenses your thoughts on the topic and can sometimes make them more easily understood. It's also often easier to read a post (in one chunk) than to try to communicate in the midst of tantrums and distractions. My husband is now a member here although he doesn't post very often. His handle is "Marg's Man". You talk about not wanting to draw a line in the sand with him - the thing is, your son has already drawn a line in the sand by getting violent with you and your wife. Another thought which has been bugging me since I read your first post - I think it is imperative you have him evaluated for Asperger's. When you added in your second post that he is shy with others outside the home and his behaviour outside the home is very different, that also would fit. Asperger's would not necessarily be bad news. However, if it goes undiagnosed and it is there, he is going to reach a point academically and socially where he really struggles. An apparently really bright kid can do well in school until a certain point, where they seem to crash and burn for no reason. But if you know, you can head that off and also get support in areas where it may be needed. Aspie kids are often anxious (increasingly, as they reach struggle point) and often have areas of special interest or extreme capability which can be all-consuming. They will often want to talk to you about their favourite thing, ad infinitum/ad nauseum, and do not take well to adults trying to control their lives too closely. We have learned to let the child have control where it doesn't really matter, so we can have control where it does. The usual discipline methods, which are to respond to rebellion with tighter control, will make these kids worse. He does better away from home because in other people's homes he is the guest and people treat guests differently. He also knows you love him unconditionally, so he has to let go somewhere, so it is where he feels safest. This can improve, but you will need to work with him, and with your wife. You will also need to be consistent. He is intelligent, so engage him in the process of changing his behaviour. It is unacceptable for him to continue to hurt family members, and this is the line in the sand he has drawn. You are entitled to make it safe, and if that means he has to get evaluated, then that is what has to happen. He needs to be told why, and given a chance to have some input - "Son, we are getting this evaluation to see if we can help you better control your aggression. We also want to understand why it happens, so we can help." You can also add the carrot I suggested earlier - an evaluation can open doors for him to get extension academically, if the evaluation clearly demonstrates his high capability. He needs to understand why he has to do this. He may still be reluctant, but if he can't produce another solution, then he has to comply. Family comes first. Safety comes first. And you all need to be safe, your son included. If he does not learn self-control, then one day he will let fly and someone will have him charged. As he gets older, this becomes far more likely. If he has a diagnosis if/when this happens, then he has a better chance of getting help instead of incarceration, but there is no guarantee. Better to fix it now while you can. Marg [/QUOTE]
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