Forums
New posts
Search forums
What's new
New posts
New profile posts
Latest activity
Internet Search
Members
Current visitors
New profile posts
Search profile posts
Log in
Register
What's new
Search
Search
Search titles only
By:
New posts
Search forums
Menu
Log in
Register
Install the app
Install
Forums
Parent Support Forums
General Parenting
Can't get started with our 10 year old son
JavaScript is disabled. For a better experience, please enable JavaScript in your browser before proceeding.
You are using an out of date browser. It may not display this or other websites correctly.
You should upgrade or use an
alternative browser
.
Reply to thread
Message
<blockquote data-quote="Marguerite" data-source="post: 399971" data-attributes="member: 1991"><p>I do.</p><p></p><p>These kids can be very controlling and sometimes as parents we take the line of least resistance; until we have to stand our ground, when all hockey sticks breaks loose. To the child, this seems inconsistent. A very bright but rigid child has 'rules' in his head that 'explain' the world and how it works. At school you sit facing the teacher and stay quiet until you're asked to speak. If you do not do this, you will find yourself the focus of unpleasant attention. At school you work at certain times and you go out to play at other times. It is all dictated carefully and all known and understood. At home, meals can be at different times and so can other pars of the evening routine. This is not good and the child will develop his own routine which he expects everyone else to obey. At home things run smoothly as long as the child gets to control what happens when. It is when anyone tries to over-ride and say, "Actually no, we're planning to do this," that you see the outbursts.</p><p></p><p>We have had to teach difficult child 3 to accept change and lack of control. For example, when we go out for a drive, sometimes husband & I like to explore. Especially if we're on holidays, we need to 'get lost' in order to find ourselves. This really upsets difficult child 3 who is really anxious that we will never find our way back and will be lost forever. So sometimes we give him his own copy of the map and keep telling him where we are so he can look it up on the map and connect it to where we are staying. If we make a sudden change in direction, such as diving down a side street saying, "This looks interesting," it can trigger a panic. Sometimes we have said to difficult child 3, "It's OK, you stay here for a minute while we check it out." If it's something we really want him to try, we will go back and explain to him, "It's just over there. You can see it from here. We can come back to this spot afterwards and navigate back from here." Sometimes we set a time limit - "If we are still there in two hours' time, we will leave and go back to where we are staying."</p><p></p><p>We do not say to him, "Come on, you will love it," because he often then makes up his mind that he won't. He also has to learn that other people in the family might like it, even if he doesn't. Telling him he will love it almost sets us up for failure, because whether he enjoys it or not is within his control and he will assert that control to make a point, even if it is despite his probable enjoyment.</p><p></p><p>Places our difficult child 3 will like when we're on holiday - giant mazes. Places full of puzzles, interactive stuff, brightly coloured, mentally stimulating. We do have to be careful, though. There was one place we went to on the Gold Coast that we were sure he would love, it was full of lasers, optical illusions etc. But he hated it, because it was too unpredictable and changing. He came in with us (which cost a fair bit for entry) and dragged us through at lightning pace. Favourite places - museums, bookshops. Toy stores, especially those that sell brain teaser puzzles. </p><p></p><p>It has taken ongoing hard work to keep him "on side" with trying new things. But each new thing tried, is a success which breeds more success. And when we discover places he loves, we use those as a carrot to get him to try more things. "If you come with us to the trout farm and try to catch a fish, we will stop off at the hedge maze on the way back."</p><p></p><p>Compromise. That is, if pure "We have to do this, whether you like it or not" is risky.</p><p></p><p>Whatever you do, you cannot fail. You must always win any battle you engage. Never lose. It is better to not battle, than to battle and lose. That's why compromise and reason works so well with these kids.</p><p></p><p>Marg</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Marguerite, post: 399971, member: 1991"] I do. These kids can be very controlling and sometimes as parents we take the line of least resistance; until we have to stand our ground, when all hockey sticks breaks loose. To the child, this seems inconsistent. A very bright but rigid child has 'rules' in his head that 'explain' the world and how it works. At school you sit facing the teacher and stay quiet until you're asked to speak. If you do not do this, you will find yourself the focus of unpleasant attention. At school you work at certain times and you go out to play at other times. It is all dictated carefully and all known and understood. At home, meals can be at different times and so can other pars of the evening routine. This is not good and the child will develop his own routine which he expects everyone else to obey. At home things run smoothly as long as the child gets to control what happens when. It is when anyone tries to over-ride and say, "Actually no, we're planning to do this," that you see the outbursts. We have had to teach difficult child 3 to accept change and lack of control. For example, when we go out for a drive, sometimes husband & I like to explore. Especially if we're on holidays, we need to 'get lost' in order to find ourselves. This really upsets difficult child 3 who is really anxious that we will never find our way back and will be lost forever. So sometimes we give him his own copy of the map and keep telling him where we are so he can look it up on the map and connect it to where we are staying. If we make a sudden change in direction, such as diving down a side street saying, "This looks interesting," it can trigger a panic. Sometimes we have said to difficult child 3, "It's OK, you stay here for a minute while we check it out." If it's something we really want him to try, we will go back and explain to him, "It's just over there. You can see it from here. We can come back to this spot afterwards and navigate back from here." Sometimes we set a time limit - "If we are still there in two hours' time, we will leave and go back to where we are staying." We do not say to him, "Come on, you will love it," because he often then makes up his mind that he won't. He also has to learn that other people in the family might like it, even if he doesn't. Telling him he will love it almost sets us up for failure, because whether he enjoys it or not is within his control and he will assert that control to make a point, even if it is despite his probable enjoyment. Places our difficult child 3 will like when we're on holiday - giant mazes. Places full of puzzles, interactive stuff, brightly coloured, mentally stimulating. We do have to be careful, though. There was one place we went to on the Gold Coast that we were sure he would love, it was full of lasers, optical illusions etc. But he hated it, because it was too unpredictable and changing. He came in with us (which cost a fair bit for entry) and dragged us through at lightning pace. Favourite places - museums, bookshops. Toy stores, especially those that sell brain teaser puzzles. It has taken ongoing hard work to keep him "on side" with trying new things. But each new thing tried, is a success which breeds more success. And when we discover places he loves, we use those as a carrot to get him to try more things. "If you come with us to the trout farm and try to catch a fish, we will stop off at the hedge maze on the way back." Compromise. That is, if pure "We have to do this, whether you like it or not" is risky. Whatever you do, you cannot fail. You must always win any battle you engage. Never lose. It is better to not battle, than to battle and lose. That's why compromise and reason works so well with these kids. Marg [/QUOTE]
Insert quotes…
Verification
Post reply
Forums
Parent Support Forums
General Parenting
Can't get started with our 10 year old son
Top