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Can't Shake The Dread
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<blockquote data-quote="Star*" data-source="post: 150741" data-attributes="member: 4964"><p>Daisy, </p><p> </p><p>I think what you are experiencing is very real, and scary. You aren't a know it all, you're a fantastic Mom and a good researcher who knows what can/will happen with a certain diagnoses.</p><p> </p><p>The WHY's of why we feel we're called to do some things in our lives is unexplainable. Pondering the pro's and cons of it all can literally make you crazy. Stopping the negative feelings is hard, but not impossible. It's just harder to do when you are directly involved and the other person involved is your son. </p><p> </p><p>I think a lot of times we forget that our children are a gift. We say difficult child here a lot. And some days it's because we're being sarcastic. Thinking about your child as a true gift, or a loan may help you put things into a better or manageable perspective for the time being. When Travis was born- he truly was a gift, wasn't he? I mean there was this little baby whom no one expected to survive - maybe no one but you. And he did. And he survives and lives today because you believed he would. Against all odds I would say Travis has remained with you and here. Aren't you so very lucky for that time? How much more wonderful this world has been because of him!!!! </p><p> </p><p>Yet now you are older - and time has gone by and you feel like your are coming unglued, and that just can't happen can it? You can't come unglued, you can't fall apart. You feel you MUST be this tower of stone and strength for everyone in your family. And Lisa - you just can't continue. And while you feel at this moment that all this grief is from Travis's condition, I don't think you've ever given yourself the credit you deserve or allowed yourself a moment to be sad. In not doing that over the years - it's built up. And now - you feel like you're literally going to implode. And if you dont' do something - you probably could. </p><p> </p><p>For what seems so obvious to me about your life is that you can't see what a strong, loving, caring person you really are. I don't think you look at the stressful things that have come at you over the years like shovels full of dirt out of a foundation - yet they have been. Just look at what you have accomplished in YOUR LIFE. You've been hit with some pretty stressful, NON STOP stressful times. How do you recoup from stressful when you just keep getting pounded with more and more stress every day? And now - you're feeling the full effects of EVERYTHING. BABY YOU ARE TIRED. TAKE A REST. FIND A WAY TO REGENERATE. TELL EVERYONE JUST TAKE A BREAK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! </p><p> </p><p>I know the stress of watching a child loose his battle with life. It makes you nuts. I went through so many emotions in such a short time, standing there holding his hand watching him fight and eventually leave. Our other boy would be 27 in September - probably had a couple of kids by now - and while I don't think about him in a future tense - I can't stop once in a while from thinking about him period. But when I think - WHY ME? I figure that someone up above must have needed a rodeo clown and try to leave it at that because I know all too well that if I try to figure out WHY ME - I'm never going to get the answer. I can tell you that pulling out fists full of weeds and throwing them at heaven, in a rain storm while screaming was possibly therapeutic - my neighbors were a phone call away from the men with the white coat for me. </p><p> </p><p>Instead - after I was done - I thanked my higher power God for the time I had with 'his' child - that was loaned to me at birth to Mother and love, and spoil. And eventually it came to me that we're ALL someones child and eventually, if we're lucky we get to go home. And that's the bottom line you draw in the sand - fromg bargaining, to pleading, to grief to "well okay - at least open the gates for him please." </p><p> </p><p>In your case - I think it would be good if you had a friend just take you somewhere to work out some of the aggression you are feeling. Take a ballbat and go to a batting cage or go for a walk in the woods and beat a tree with a stick or if you want to go the the nut house - wait till it rains and pull up clumps of grass and curse in the direction of the rain - but find a way to get it out - and then.....I want you to remember the Mom that you were the day they said "Well Travis will probably not make it." and become her once more. Use that strength to make it another 17 or more years, it worked before - it could help you now...and in the mean time? Do the best you can, pound out your feelings on the computer.....and know you are loved and understood. </p><p> </p><p>Hugs</p><p>and Love </p><p>Star</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Star*, post: 150741, member: 4964"] Daisy, I think what you are experiencing is very real, and scary. You aren't a know it all, you're a fantastic Mom and a good researcher who knows what can/will happen with a certain diagnoses. The WHY's of why we feel we're called to do some things in our lives is unexplainable. Pondering the pro's and cons of it all can literally make you crazy. Stopping the negative feelings is hard, but not impossible. It's just harder to do when you are directly involved and the other person involved is your son. I think a lot of times we forget that our children are a gift. We say difficult child here a lot. And some days it's because we're being sarcastic. Thinking about your child as a true gift, or a loan may help you put things into a better or manageable perspective for the time being. When Travis was born- he truly was a gift, wasn't he? I mean there was this little baby whom no one expected to survive - maybe no one but you. And he did. And he survives and lives today because you believed he would. Against all odds I would say Travis has remained with you and here. Aren't you so very lucky for that time? How much more wonderful this world has been because of him!!!! Yet now you are older - and time has gone by and you feel like your are coming unglued, and that just can't happen can it? You can't come unglued, you can't fall apart. You feel you MUST be this tower of stone and strength for everyone in your family. And Lisa - you just can't continue. And while you feel at this moment that all this grief is from Travis's condition, I don't think you've ever given yourself the credit you deserve or allowed yourself a moment to be sad. In not doing that over the years - it's built up. And now - you feel like you're literally going to implode. And if you dont' do something - you probably could. For what seems so obvious to me about your life is that you can't see what a strong, loving, caring person you really are. I don't think you look at the stressful things that have come at you over the years like shovels full of dirt out of a foundation - yet they have been. Just look at what you have accomplished in YOUR LIFE. You've been hit with some pretty stressful, NON STOP stressful times. How do you recoup from stressful when you just keep getting pounded with more and more stress every day? And now - you're feeling the full effects of EVERYTHING. BABY YOU ARE TIRED. TAKE A REST. FIND A WAY TO REGENERATE. TELL EVERYONE JUST TAKE A BREAK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I know the stress of watching a child loose his battle with life. It makes you nuts. I went through so many emotions in such a short time, standing there holding his hand watching him fight and eventually leave. Our other boy would be 27 in September - probably had a couple of kids by now - and while I don't think about him in a future tense - I can't stop once in a while from thinking about him period. But when I think - WHY ME? I figure that someone up above must have needed a rodeo clown and try to leave it at that because I know all too well that if I try to figure out WHY ME - I'm never going to get the answer. I can tell you that pulling out fists full of weeds and throwing them at heaven, in a rain storm while screaming was possibly therapeutic - my neighbors were a phone call away from the men with the white coat for me. Instead - after I was done - I thanked my higher power God for the time I had with 'his' child - that was loaned to me at birth to Mother and love, and spoil. And eventually it came to me that we're ALL someones child and eventually, if we're lucky we get to go home. And that's the bottom line you draw in the sand - fromg bargaining, to pleading, to grief to "well okay - at least open the gates for him please." In your case - I think it would be good if you had a friend just take you somewhere to work out some of the aggression you are feeling. Take a ballbat and go to a batting cage or go for a walk in the woods and beat a tree with a stick or if you want to go the the nut house - wait till it rains and pull up clumps of grass and curse in the direction of the rain - but find a way to get it out - and then.....I want you to remember the Mom that you were the day they said "Well Travis will probably not make it." and become her once more. Use that strength to make it another 17 or more years, it worked before - it could help you now...and in the mean time? Do the best you can, pound out your feelings on the computer.....and know you are loved and understood. Hugs and Love Star [/QUOTE]
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