Can't stop crying

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by helpangel, May 29, 2012.

  1. helpangel

    helpangel Active Member

    I'm not normally into pity parties but today I just can't quit crying and I don't know where else to go. Some sleep would be real good but too worked up at this point to and I need to be at SSA in a couple hours with 2 years bank statements and can't find January.

    The girls did exactly what I asked them not to do last weekend, wait till 10 pm on school night to start laundry. So after I was up till past 4am doing laundry last nite I get a call this morning that Angel needs pants at the office (her pad leaked) good news is they made it to school bad news they jumped out of bed when the bus got there this morning. Neither one of them took their morning medications so I took pants & medications for both girls.

    So I drag myself out of bed get to the school Angel is sitting in the office and what does she say "thanks mom for staying up all night doing my laundry?" "thanks for bringing me clothes?" "thanks for sticking by me even when I act unlovable?" no I got a "TOOK YOU LONG ENOUGH!!!" (not my best parenting moment here) but "that little b!tch can bite me and find another place to live while she is at it!!!"

    Asked reception lady to call R out of class to take her medications; turns out she is still in the office hasn't been to class yet. So she comes out of the counselors obviously she has been crying, wearing same clothes she slept in last night, hair not combed etc. Gave her her medications and she declined wanting to go home wants to go to class. Just as well the way last weekend went I need a couple hours off from my kids, all of them even R (the good one).

    This goes past Angel having blow outs and smashing up my house. Goes past the nausea and the throbbing pain in my back. It even goes past my kids treating me like an employee they can't fire. The thing that has pushed me over the edge is the fact that I can't seem to make up my mind. Me the person who over thinks everything! the one who no matter what the situation is has already thought out several game plans and knows which I would choose.

    I have changed my mind in past 2 days probably 20 times about what to do with Angel? She turns 18yo in less then 2 months, CM brought me a bunch of guardianship paperwork to fill out (but I don't want to). Actually don't think I want to but fear will be kicking myself for not doing it in 3 months. She has another year of high school left but I don't think I got another year of being able to deal with her blowouts left. I could lose R to a suicide if I try to keep Angel here.

    I love Angel but feel I need to get her out of here so I can like her again. I know my parents urging me out of the nest at 17yo helped me to be independent but I won't kid you things got rough; there was a time I made tomato soup in a garbage picked cup from ketchup, creamer, salt & pepper because I hadn't eaten for 2 days and that condiment bar at the bus station was all that stood between me and starvation. Must admit it wasn't proper nutrician for someone 2 months pregnant.

    Hence why I can't quit crying- Angel has to take medications twice a day or she will go into psychosis, when she goes into psychosis someone has to take charge and get her crisis intervention or she is at great risk. When I close my eyes and ask myself what I want? I draw a blank because I don't think what I truly want is even possible at this point.

    Any way thank you for giving me a place to whine sorry if this got long it was a LONG weekend.

    PS I guess the bright side is the way she stained these clothes I doubt she is pregnant, guess I'll focus on that little rainbow for now.
     
  2. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    I can't be of much help this week but want you to know I read your post and understand as much as an outsider can understand that you are discombobulated. You are and have been the best Warrior Mom you could be. on the other hand, even W M's have to take a break. Hugs. DDD
     
  3. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    I think I'd be contacting county mental health and see what types of housing options there are for her in your area. Sort of a halfway house type deal where she's still getting some supervision per medications ect. Is Angel working or have disability? Because she's going to have to have cash to move too.

    Travis reached a difficult point at 17. In most areas he'd mellowed. But he was feeling his oats and even though he's lower on the autism spectrum, he was itching for some independence..........that does not mean he was ready for it. And at that point he wasn't, He was still lagging around the 12/13 yr old stage in too many areas. We were having WWIII over the topic of driving, which for him was a certain NO, but he couldn't bring himself to accept it. (understandable but it didn't make our lives any easier) I was battling the school district to get him to graduate because they mucked up his classes, but due to his IEP they had no choice but to let him graduate........but I wasn't supposed to know that info. And we had testosterone wars between him and his dad that just made everything even more fun. ugh

    Please don't take this wrong, but if you want Angel to move out on her own.........then you're going to have to put more responsibility onto her shoulders before she leaves home. If the girls didn't start laundry until 10 pm, you should've went to bed and not worried about it. Both are old enough to know better and to deal with the natural consequences. Eventually, they'll grow tired of dirty clothes, and do it the way it should be done. Know what I mean??

    Once my kids reached Jr High I began backing off with what I did for them gradually. As each year passed, I did less. If they failed to do something that was their responsibility to handle, well, that wasn't my problem. They dealt with it. I didn't wake them for school. I didn't do laundry. ect. By the time they were 17, they were doing nearly everything on their own with just some supervision.......and not alot of that either. Travis was done the same way just over a longer time frame because maturity/developmentally he lags several years behind.

    I don't know what skills Angel has that would help her with adult living, but you might want to sit down and think about them and then refocus your attention on addressing/teaching those skills. It might even help you feel better about guiding her out of the home. While the thought of living with her for another year seems daunting, it would give you more time to help her acquire more skills for independent living. In turn, it may make her feel more confident as she learns each skill........and make her a bit easier to live with.

    Honestly? Don't beat yourself up for wanting her out of the home. It's natural. We're supposed to feel that way in order to prompt them from the nest. But at your girls ages, natural consequences should be being experienced over not doing what they should. They still will probably try to blame you, but then you re-direct it to Well if you did x y or z then you'd have a b or c, but since you didn't......blah blah and eventually the message sinks in. in my opinion it's one of the best ways to teach.

    Now how about soaking in a nice hot tub for a while and going and getting a good long nap?

    (((hugs)))
     
  4. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    I'm not normally into pity parties but today I just can't quit crying and I don't know where else to go. Some sleep would be real good but too worked up at this point to and I need to be at SSA in a couple hours with 2 years bank statements and can't find January.

    I know it seems awful, but they are most likely not going to make a big stink about one missing bank statement. It may be too late, but you could always go online and print that month off for them.

    The girls did exactly what I asked them not to do last weekend, wait till 10 pm on school night to start laundry. So after I was up till past 4am doing laundry last nite I get a call this morning that Angel needs pants at the office (her pad leaked) good news is they made it to school bad news they jumped out of bed when the bus got there this morning. Neither one of them took their morning medications so I took pants & medications for both girls.

    They should go to school in dirty clothes and you should have gone to bed. There should be consequences to them for not taking their medications rather than your running off to get them to them. I suppose that the pants thing I can understand if it is a one time thing, but I wouldn't be doing that all of the time.

    So I drag myself out of bed get to the school Angel is sitting in the office and what does she say "thanks mom for staying up all night doing my laundry?" "thanks for bringing me clothes?" "thanks for sticking by me even when I act unlovable?" no I got a "TOOK YOU LONG ENOUGH!!!" (not my best parenting moment here) but "that little b!tch can bite me and find another place to live while she is at it!!!"

    Who said something about the other moving? You or her? If it was you, it probably wasn't the best idea, but you're overstretched. You need to find a way to manage your time better. Your girls are practically adults. You can't let them live with you forever, and if they behave like that they wouldn't have a bed in my house.

    Asked reception lady to call R out of class to take her medications; turns out she is still in the office hasn't been to class yet. So she comes out of the counselors obviously she has been crying, wearing same clothes she slept in last night, hair not combed etc. Gave her her medications and she declined wanting to go home wants to go to class. Just as well the way last weekend went I need a couple hours off from my kids, all of them even R (the good one).

    I'm glad that she wanted to go to class. It's where she belongs.

    This goes past Angel having blow outs and smashing up my house. Goes past the nausea and the throbbing pain in my back. It even goes past my kids treating me like an employee they can't fire. The thing that has pushed me over the edge is the fact that I can't seem to make up my mind. Me the person who over thinks everything! the one who no matter what the situation is has already thought out several game plans and knows which I would choose.

    Game plans for what? I don't understand.

    I have changed my mind in past 2 days probably 20 times about what to do with Angel? She turns 18yo in less then 2 months, CM brought me a bunch of guardianship paperwork to fill out (but I don't want to). Actually don't think I want to but fear will be kicking myself for not doing it in 3 months. She has another year of high school left but I don't think I got another year of being able to deal with her blowouts left. I could lose R to a suicide if I try to keep Angel here.

    She's abusive and if she did this to anyone other than you she'd be charged with crimes. Fill out the paperwork. You can change your mind and let her stay if she is worthy of it, but you should do whatever you have to in order to make her her own keeper at this point. She doesn't deserve you.

    I love Angel but feel I need to get her out of here so I can like her again. I know my parents urging me out of the nest at 17yo helped me to be independent but I won't kid you things got rough; there was a time I made tomato soup in a garbage picked cup from ketchup, creamer, salt & pepper because I hadn't eaten for 2 days and that condiment bar at the bus station was all that stood between me and starvation. Must admit it wasn't proper nutrician for someone 2 months pregnant.

    Please be sure that Angel is on BC. A progesterone shot would be good 3 months at a time and no one would have to monitor it to be sure that she was compliant.

    Hence why I can't quit crying- Angel has to take medications twice a day or she will go into psychosis, when she goes into psychosis someone has to take charge and get her crisis intervention or she is at great risk. When I close my eyes and ask myself what I want? I draw a blank because I don't think what I truly want is even possible at this point.

    I understand your concerns, but you are not going to be there for Angel forever. It's time to take whatever steps are needed to see to it that she can take care of herself. Make sure she has services in place to help her attend to her basic living needs. You can't fix this for her, and you're not helping by trying. I know it's humiliating when your child behaves this way. But you deserve to take care of yourself.

    Any way thank you for giving me a place to whine sorry if this got long it was a LONG weekend.

    PS I guess the bright side is the way she stained these clothes I doubt she is pregnant, guess I'll focus on that little rainbow for now.

    That is a good little nugget. :) Now make a deal with her that if she wants anything more than a mattress and sheets in your house, she's going to get a progesterone shot and take her medications. Legally all you owe her is a warm place to sleep and food to eat. If she doesn't like it she can move on. Stop being so hard on yourself! ;)
     
  5. helpangel

    helpangel Active Member

    Thanks everyone I really appreciate the words of encouragement, after reading that post I remember why I try to avoid pity parties, wow I was really feeling sorry for poor me LOL . I need to drop the door mat act and suck it up! I sure was feeling sorry for myself I think it was more driving before coffee and too tired to take my pain medications then even about the kids at that point.

    The girls did wash their load of jeans & underware themselves but ran into a problem when I let them bump in front of me in line for the dryer which isn't working properly right now (can only dry like third loads at a time) so had a whole basket of towels etc that was waiting for dryer when realized the only 2 choices for shirts today for me was a purple thing with holes and a skull on front or a Miley Cyrus tshirt - I'm past age limit for either of those to be seen in public in.

    Laundry is a constant battle around here because both girls & I wear close to same size so all my clothes get borrowed then shoved in closet or under bed when done with it (gonna start getting a deposit LOL) I'm usually better at setting some stuff aside for myself but didn't realize during her blowout yesterday she had spit bbq chicken all over a whole closet full of clothes. Angry as I am right now if she wasn't horribly ill she wouldn't be doing this stuff.

    It's not making excuses because I'm not alright with this behavior and have been very clear about that with her. It's not gonna throw her out but needs to respect others or we need to find other living arrangements. She was diagnosis bipolar, ODD & adHd 12 years ago and that many years seeing the same cycle repeat over and over I know what is going on medications need adjusting, and until she gets lithium level checked even I have no idea which one needs adjusting or if 2nd MS needs to be added. Getting an unstable 17yo in for a fasting blood draw is a lot harder then it sounds, especially when she knows your trying to get blood out of her (blink she's gone) I know lithium isn't fasting but I got orders from 4 doctors for this kid so its easiest if get all the work done at same time.

    R's social security guy I met with is a total sweetheart, he took the time to talk me off the ledge, gave me a really good lead on a school program for Angel I didn't know about (looks like just what she needs), explained why I want guardianship not conservatorship or power of attorney in her case, even gave me the paperwork to reapply for SSI as an adult and told me when to come see him with it. Guardianship won't keep her out of a group home but it will keep me in control of her $ this will be better then if home gets her SSI because she won't be able to move or have control of any spending money etc. it will also give me power to get her medical treatment when she is denying it, I can also prevent her from getting a driver's license (those last 2 more important then the money)

    I never suspected Angel was pregnant was just trying to find something positive this morning. I'm positive she isn't sexually active and doesn't have a boyfriend; she had one last summer out at camp but they split up when he tried to get to second base so she broke his arm & busted his lip.

    My jabbering about game plans is we have plans for about everything here not just fire drills example if Angel goes out window I go out back door & son goes out front R (the minor) is to stay by the phone, if Angel is on roof down the street have my son one street over when I approach her so when does the thing over 2 rooftops & 3 fences she has her brother over there when comes out the other side. I got a really ill kid and when she has that fight or flight thing going its all hands on deck to keep her (& everyone else) safe.

    Now that I'm not freeking out think I'm going back to original plan and using the next 13 months to do this transition right instead of trying to knee jerk it into place in less then 2 months time. In the meantime if she assaults someone she is either sleeping in jail that night or going to a psychiatric hospital because I'm tired of sleeping with one eye open - this has been going like this since Thanksgiving time with her.
     
  6. Star*

    Star* call 911........call 911

    I have some advice for you and Angel -

    http://www.jobcorps.gov/Home.aspx This gets her OUT of your house - and IN training for a job, for a future for herself, gets her to finish HIGH school (GED) and keeps R - mostly sane......WHILE you continue to file SSI paperwork.

    ANOTHER THOUGHT would be -Respite - YOU NEED A BREAK FROM EACH OTHER and there are TRAINED parents paid for by MEDICAID - that will take her on a weekend -weekday basis -

    http://www.michigan.gov/documents/A_Family_Guide_to_Respite_139866_7.pdf

    There is NO WAY IN THE WORLD that I would allow her to be in the house ALONE this Summer while I was at work. PERIOD - SHE would be at some camp - or supervised, or in Foster care.

    As far as my CLOTHES?????????? HUGE PET PEEVE.

    GET A HASP LOCK - and a MASTER LOCK - and PUT IT ON YOUR BEDROOM DOOR - and LOCK THAT THING UP - EVERY TIME YOU LEAVE. Get one of those spring key rings and keep around your wrist - and even if you just cross the hall to use the potty? LOCK THAT ROOM.....and that should SOLVE you wearing HANNA Montanna BS - clothes.

    YOU need to take control of your home, your life - and stop dispensing with DOING laundry and crud for TEENAGERS. BEING up until the middle of the night ?????? DOING THEIR CLOTHES? BECAUSE YOU Feel sorry that your dryer doesn't work??? OH UHLEASE - GO TO THE DOLLAR STORE AND GET A CLOTHES LINE AND SOME CLOTHES PINS - i have one - it works grrrrrrrrrrrrrreat. then see how badly everyone feels about the 1/3 use dryer. put an ad on craigslist - and beg for one. then put an ad on craigslist and advertise free dryer - men who collect for metal will flock and I MEAN FLOCK to your home to pick it up - it's worth about $5....to dump. (maybe 4 where you are) or FREECYCLE. CHECK YOUR LOCAL goodwills - USUALLY about $40. THAT SHOULD SOLVE THAT. TELL THE GIRLS IF THEY COLLECT ALUMINUM CANS -----they could BUY their own. OR DO CHORES THIS SUMMER - they could save the money. that should keep them busy - give them a goal - go to home depot - pick one out - and make them a goal chart.

    I could not agree with witz more - she's given you excellent advice -

    and get yourself a theraist help angel - you need someone to talk to - :) Iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii will be here to give you moral support and hugs - but wow wheeeeeeeee girl.....I'm not brining cake to this party - any more. NO SIRE REEEEEEEEEE bob. (hands personal rhino skin suit....) takes suit back - empties pockets - removes......tissue.....lysol.......binnoculars.......oh thats a quarter.....and chapstick....oh lol.....bobbypin......flashlight......OH I guess you can have the flashlight.....and gives you optional biker boots - for kicking some butt - because it all starts TODAY.......I AM WOMAN HEAR ME ROAR.......not meow.......m k?

    NOW GET BACK IN THERE WTIH THOSE T REXs -------and DO NOT COME OUT UNTIL YOU HAVE SOME ORDER......Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!

    HUgs and love.......
     
    Last edited: May 29, 2012
  7. helpangel

    helpangel Active Member

    thanks star I need a kick in the pants every now and then LOL - some good leads in those links though surprising we've checked out about everything they offer in our county except the jail tour will have to think about that one...

    I think I was posting while you were typing because I can't imagine you not commenting about what Angel did to that 19yo who felt her up last summer! ROFL

    got the clothes lines, problem is too many stupid pigeons around here need a scarecrow or send the cats out to guard the laundry (though attacking from above not sure what they could do) didn't you have a problem with birds bombing a cute dress recently? wonder if its all clothes or just ours?

    Anyway after support from my board friends, SSA guy's pep talk, and getting to go off on cop who drove into side of my van while driving in the out; told him morons like him should ride the bus, his partner thought it was hilarious (guess had to be there LOL) I'm doing a lot better now. Van's fine the way this whole state drives its good to have a tank.
     
  8. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    Sounds like the heating element on your dryer. Maybe repairing it would be far cheaper than a new one? Sometimes it is, you might want to check on it.

    Laundry with teen girls, even though neither were my size, and I am soooooooooooooooooooo glad I'm long past those days. LOL (they were awful)

    As per the pity party, I don't think there has been one of us who has not indulged upon occasion. I know I have more than once. It's being able to turn it off and put things back into perspective that counts. We're only human and we all have moments for whatever reason when it just plain "gets to us".

    As for sexually active, assuming can be dangerous. I'd simply add BC to her medications and you know you're covered and at least have ONE thing you don't have to worry about. Because teens who want to have sex, WILL have sex, unless you nail them into a barrel. No joke. With BC you just plain don't have to worry one way or the other.

    Hugs
     
  9. helpangel

    helpangel Active Member

    For me to be crying in the first place was so out of character for me, usually unless someone I'm close to died I don't cry. Don't know what that was this morning except maybe an emotion overflow or something?

    Frankly could care less about the dryer; clothes line worked fine for gma I'll figure it out, campground has laundry and a couple weeks I'm out of here anyway. Think its carma's way of saying "I told ya so" for turning down that free dryer a month ago.

    Gonna be following up on that birth control suggestion for R not Angel she doesn't need it. Don't know if it's part of her bipolar or Asperger's or CPS was right about her father all those years ago but she has some serious personal space issues - like unless I have to restrain her I don't touch her without permission; at times she just can't handle it. She never asks for a hug but when she really needs one and I offer she just kind of collapses into me.

    Last summer she told that idiot boy she was fine being friends but wasn't into more, he acted like he got it but then because she let him hold hands about 3 weeks into it and allowed a light kiss he thought was ok to maul her I saw the entire thing happen they were like 4 feet from me she told him no so he pulled her around the tent and according to her stuck his tongue in her mouth while grabbing her chest, whole thing was over in time it took me to walk around the tent, she snapped his arm and head butted him in the face then ran in the tent crying. Angel crying is rarer then me crying. He's lucky she handled him or I would have broke more then his arm!

    Well this boy shows up a few hours later with his cast on and a sheriff and his mama talking assault charges, I'm upset the first person I've seen her let past that brick wall took advantage. I was staring that boy down when I declared "I can't believe a 19yo MAN would have the nerve to press assault charges on a 16yo victim he was molesting" Should have seen his mama's face when sheriff put him face down and cuffed him (well tried to) cast got in the way. Angel never wanted to see him again not even in court so he dodged a bullet on that one.

    I'm not assuming anything with Angel this is one area I know she is totally not into and she is fully aware if she was sexually active her medications would be a real problem for a baby that she doesn't want anyway so she would want BC. She doesn't want anyone touching her. Her little sister is a whole different story, I honestly think the 15yo would fall into bed with anyone who showed her that kind of attention, she's also naive enough to think could trap a man with a baby.
     
  10. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    Glad you've calmed down. As Star says, stop lending out your clothes! I do understand the dryer situation, but they knew they shouldn't have waited so long to wash them. Sometimes it's better for there to be no exceptions to the rules. If you were doing your laundry, they can wait to get in line - especially when their is a time limit on when they can do stuff. They know that they're not going to finish when they start at 10!

    Job Corps is an excellent idea. You shouldn't have to live afraid in your own home.
     
  11. Star*

    Star* call 911........call 911

    The only other thing I can think of - is start wearing (ahem) "age appropriate" clothing........and see if that doesn't slow them down. I used to have a problem similarly with taking my Moms cool clothes back in the 70's. Then for whatever reason she got all 80's on me and went RETRO. WELL! you can't really look cool in elastic waste band polyester pants when everyone else is wearing bell bottom jeans - understand? So that pretty much stopped me from "BORROWING WITHOUT PERMISSION" ie' STEALING.....her clothes. EVER......again.

    Honestly I think the woman planned it. She had really cool outfits when we went places......it just never clicked in my head that THOSE things couldn't be worn to school. (such a silly star)

    And yes - that dratted bird and that dress.......I see your point......lol
     
  12. helpangel

    helpangel Active Member

    It's on my WRIF 101FM DREAD (Detroit Rockers Established for Abolition of Disco) card that though shall not wear polyester stretchy pants right after no zodiac jewelry - I took a vow in 1975 not going back on it now

    Hawks came around today wonder if I can get them to clear the air every laundry day? Wasn't a bird or squirrel in site - thats it a big fake hawk on my clothesline LOL
     
  13. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    You could always get one of those clotheslines like the ones that they have at hotels that string across the shower. You wouldn't necessarily have to string it across the shower - anyplace that has unfettered space between walls and isn't over carpet. This one has five lines and extends up to 12 feet. It only costs $12.

    http://www.amazon.com/Household-Ess...09X2/ref=sr_1_4?ie=UTF8&qid=1338563575&sr=8-4

    My mom always had a clothesline strung in the basement next to the laundry. With five kids she HAD TO dry some on the line. Otherwise we would have been running the dryer 24/7.
     
  14. Star*

    Star* call 911........call 911

    ROFLMAO.................O.M.Stars..........I have a WMMS 101 FM Home of The Buzzard Cleveland Ohio Card that vows astonishingly .........almost the same thing - circa 1978.........

    Great that you have hawks - really quite the SWAT team of the clothes pooing sky......
     
Loading...