Can't take it anymore !!!

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by sooooo tired, Feb 4, 2015.

  1. sooooo tired

    sooooo tired soooootired

    I was so glad to find this site !!! I have a 39 year old daughter who has 4 kids by different men. The oldest is 20,then there is a 17 year old, an 11 year old and a 2 year old little boy that is my heart string. The oldest ones dad lives in Florida and has a wife and new baby and doesn't have much to do with him. The 17 year old's father has absolutely nothing to do with him, the 11 year old lives with her dad and step mom and the little one lives with my daughter and her boyfriend (which is the baby's dad) I have been dealing with all this since she was 17. She was a great kid through high school....beautiful, popular, senior attendant, broke long jump records in track....then she got pregnant her senior year and it has been downhill ever since. She got pregnant again at 22 by a married man who really messed with her head. Then she got involved with another married man, who got a divorce and married her, and they had a little girl. She divorced him after 2 years, eventually met her present boyfriend and in a few months was pregnant once again, and now has a little boy who will be 3 and he is such a joy!!! He is so smart and funny and just a really good kid. Through all this she has had a few jobs, which she never held onto. I have tried many many many times to try to get her on her feet. I have bought her 2 different used cars over the years, bailed her out when utilities have been shut off. Bought her a new computer because she said she could work online, to find out that she was working on a porn site !! And I have done all this because of the kids. She has tried to kill herself 3 times has been diagnosed with several mental issues, which she refuses to get any help for. And now I get calls from her all the time that just drain me mentally and physically. I cant do anymore for her!!! I refuse to let her move in with me, but i am sooo concerned about the toddler. I am 61 years old and would love to have some peace in my life at this point!!!!
  2. Tanya M

    Tanya M Living with an attitude of gratitude Staff Member

    Welcome SoTired, I'm glad you found this forum but sorry you had to.
    First ((HUGS)) to you.
    Second, there are years of experience on these pages from parents just like you and me who have for whatever reason have gone through it all with our adult children. You are not alone.
    It's painfully obvious that you have gone above and beyond what you should have to try and help your daughter and when there are small children involved it make it that much harder.
    You have gotten to the point that you can't take it anymore and as painful as that is, it's a good place to be. It's the beginning of letting go, of detaching which is the only way you will be able to find peace.
    You have no control over what your daughter chooses to do with her life. Do you feel her child is any danger from her behavior? Is the childs father able to care for him?
    When she calls and you know it's her let it go to voice mail. You need to set some boundaries with her. It sounds like she has had many years to manipulate you. You have to stop allowing her to do that.
    Read through these pages, there is so much wonderful advice.
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  3. sooooo tired

    sooooo tired soooootired

    Thank you soooo much for your words of encouragement! It sounds like you have been through it all too !!! It is sooo frustrating, and if it weren't for my sweet little 3 year old it would be so much easier. Yes she is a very manipulative person and has sucked me in for years!!! She is good with the little one, but her and her boyfriend fight and yell constantly and they are always broke and behind on rent and always saying they never have any food (she knows that one gets to me!) I honestly think if she was given a house a car and a job she would still be helpless!! sometimes i just want to move but I have two other grown kids that are very responsible and good to me. I just hate to see the 3 year old be ruined by them just like the older two were. Yes my daughters bio dad left when she was 11 months old and i remarried and had my other two....well step daddy didnt get along with her very well so i operated out of guilt for ever! You are lucky to have a wonderful husband, I was married for 20 years and he fell in love with the girl at work we divorced 13 years ago, I just feel so defeated sometimes. I want to enjoy my life, but i have such a hard time of not letting her upset me!! How is it that you cope with things! And who takes care of his children? Please dont say you are raising them cuz I could not raise another child!!! It would kill me mentally and physically!!! Thanks again for your responce!!!!
  4. Tanya M

    Tanya M Living with an attitude of gratitude Staff Member

    That's exactly why she uses this, because she knows it gets to you. There are plenty of food pantry's that she could go to. Also, there are churchs that can assist and direct people.
    My son has been on and off homeless and I've had the desperate calls of I'm going to starve to death, I'm going to freeze to death, etc.... I too used to give in and got to the point where you are now. I suggest you prepare yourself with short standard answers. I have found this works best as it does not allow them to draw you into a debate/argument.
    Daughter - Mom, we are broke and I have no money for food, the baby is starving
    You - I'm so sorry you are in this situation, you need to go to a food bank
    Daughter - but Mom you've always helped me before you have to help me now
    You - again honey, I'm sorry you are in this situation but you need to go to the food bank. Someone's at the door I need to go, Love you bye. (HANG UP)
    You need to realize that she is using your love for the grandchild against you.

    I am able to cope because I have successfully detached. This did not happen overnight, it took work. Ultimately I had to accept that my son's choices are his, he has his life to live and I have mine. As for his children, I have a good relationship with their mother, she will always be a daughter to me. They live 2000 miles away from me so I don't get to see them as often as I would like.

    At the top of the Parent Emeritus page is an article on detachment. I highly suggest you read that.
    The only way you will ever find peace is to let go. I won't lie to you, it's not easy and it hurts but it is vital for your own survival and sanity.

    Stay tuned as I'm sure others will chime in on this and offer some wonderful advice and encouragement.
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  5. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    I am 61 and in good health, but I would not do what you are doing for your daughter for any reason. Would I try to get custody of the youngest grandkid? Yes, probably. Would I maybe buy stuff just for the grandkid's benefits? As long as Daughter didn't sell them or use them, probably. But my main goal would be custody of the three year old and proving my daughter was unfit and that is very hard to proof and must be awfully hard to do too. Obviously, though, the kids are not best off with her. She tried to kill herself three times? Did the kids see? She has had four baby daddies and two were married. Morals anyone? I don't see how she can take care of her kids or that she will remain with husband #4.

    I have no words of wisdom. Just what I would probably do in your situation. At my age, which is your age, I want to have a wonderul, peaceful rest-of-my-life and could probably achieve that even raising the youngest grandchild. I like kids. However, I have made my grown son go very low contact with me when he has been in meltdown and abuse mode for my own peace of mind, that of my other loved ones, and and because it was bad for both me and for him to be able to get away with the disrespect.

    I would read the post on a sticky on top about "detachment."

    If your daughter keeps this up, you won't even be alive to take care of the rest of your grands. Be nice if she learned about birth control. Of course...she would be just a normal young woman if she either practiced safe sex or did not have it with anyone who was in her path and our grown kids are a lot like children. Even so, they are men and women and we can't save them.

    I strongly recommend cutting off her money train, no matter how angry it makes her. It hasn't helped her and it is enabling her to not work. She can look online and find jobs and apply for them just like most other adults do. If she needed the money and knew you would not rescue her, she wouldn't have much of a choice but to try to grow up.

    I wish you lots and lots of luck and you have my very best thoughts.
  6. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Oops. I read your post again and you said you wouldn't raise another kid. That's fine. I d on't blame you. I really wouldn't want to. This is my time to have a ball and relax too and I'm going to take it.

    Is your daughter using drugs? If so, it's even another reason to detach. You can not save the three year old. His future is the going to be the same as his older siblings and that is on your daughter's shoulders. You can't control her.

    Perhaps it is time to go very low contact with her so that you can heal and get your own life in order. You deserve a wonderful golden years. Sounds like you've done everything humanly possible for Daughter and it hasn't worked or helped the other grands (because SHE raised them in her dysfunctional way). There is nothing you can do now either so you may as well enjoy your life. Maybe you can even go on Match (wink, wink) :p Hey, at our age, when we are SUPPOSED to be free of our parental obligations it is ok to BE free of them. You do not have to "mother" your daughter anymore. She will need to do the hard work to put herself together. You an't do it for her.

    Here's hoping for a great tomorrow. Remember: "Tomorrow is the First Day of the Rest of Your Life." Make it a great one!
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  7. in a daze

    in a daze Well-Known Member

    I'm so sorry you are in this situation. If she is a single mom with no resources she must be getting some sort of aid to dependent children and mothers. They can get help with rent, etc. I would think she would be hooked up with these services.

    If you have the resources a therapist of your own can help you set boundaries.
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  8. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Welcome sooootired. I'm glad you found us. You've gotten good advice from the other warrior moms.
    Your daughter is 39 and my daughter is 42. My daughter is homeless. I raised her daughter who is 18 and is now in college.
    I understand how you feel, I get it. I also did EVERYTHING for my daughter for many years.......... and then I stopped. I got a lot of support to make the changes necessary so that I could detach from my daughter and actually have my own life. I did it. So can you. It is a process. It takes time and a big commitment from you. And, in my opinion, it takes a whole lot of support. The more support you get, the easier this process will eventually get and the faster you will respond and change. Without support, it is very, very hard to make these changes. Our natural tendencies to protect, love, nurture and help our kids is a very strong instinct to change.

    My suggestion to you would be to contact NAMI, which is the National Alliance on Mental Illness. They have chapters in most cities and can be accessed on line. They have excellent courses for parents and resources for parents and for our adult kids who suffer from mental illness. After all of this time, you are depleted, exhausted and ready for a change I'm sure. As the others have said, read the article on detachment, it's also at the bottom of my post here. Once our kids are adults, we no longer have any control over their choices and when/if they make poor ones, they should be the ones suffering the consequences not us.

    At this stage of the game, it's all about boundaries. Boundaries with your time, your efforts, your energy, your money, every single thing you do for your daughter. She is WAY past the age of needing a parent. As you make the boundaries clear to her, she will find alternatives. But as long as you provide everything, then there is no reason for her to have to figure it out or look for answers. After a time, we begin a sort of script with our adult kids, they provide the problem, we supply the answers. Everyone knows their lines. When you back out of the script, she will likely have a poor reaction to that, perhaps even dramatic. She is used to having you deal with her life. Any change you initiate is not going to be met with ease, but in order for this entire scenario to change, YOU will have to be the one who does the changing.

    I'm glad you're clear about not raising any more kids. It's good to know that.

    Get yourself some real support, go to NAMI or a therapist or someone who can help you. NAMI will help you orient through all of this and give you advice and support as to how to set those boundaries and allow your daughter to figure out her own life. It's not easy to let go, but that is what we have to do, or be dragged along in their lives by their poor choices and bad behavior

    Hang in there, soootired. It will get better. Keep posting it helps. I'm glad you're here.
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  9. sooooo tired

    sooooo tired soooootired

  10. sooooo tired

    sooooo tired soooootired

    thank you for your post....No my daughter is not on drugs as far as I know she only smokes pot occasionally. She loves her son very much and treats him well, but it is sad that he constantly has to hear them fight all the time!! If it wasn't for me he would never get to go anywhere since she has no car. Its funny my 17 year old grandson just called asking for money!! The answer was no, but not only is it her, but HER kids too!! I am divorced and still working full time. I cant support all of just gets sooo old!! She constantly trys to make me feel guilty all the time with things like I dont have any emotional support...nobody gives a :censored2: about me...well at least you have two normal kids, I guess Im just the needy one!...She does not have any friends, because as soon as they do something to make her mad she deletes them from her life, the same goes for jobs, she has had some very good jobs but as soon as she gets angry or someone trips her trigger she simply walks out. Now she says she could never work with people anymore because she cant handle them. she just sits in the apartment 24/7 with a 3 year old and wont do one thing to help herself! She has herself to the point where she doesnt want to leave the house and just withdraws from life. I dont know I just hate to see that precious little boy go down the tubes because of her! He is so different from the others, he is so smart and has such a pleasant personality so far....I guess I can just do what I can for him and leave the rest in gods hands!! Thanks for listening!!!

  11. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    I don't know how things work where you are (I am not in the US). Here... you would be able to contact social services on behalf of the grandson. Not child protection services, but social services. They would look at the situation, and offer things that would help the 3yo - things like funded playschool or early kindergarten, to enable him to get out, interact, have a chance to develop normally.
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  12. sooooo tired

    sooooo tired soooootired

    Thank you for your suggestion, I think I will start taking him to church with me and put him in a class with kids his age so he at least starts learning to interact with other kids. I love this site ! I wish I would have found it a long time ago....maybe I wouldnt have lived so many years with the guilt, thinking somehow this is my fault!!
  13. Scent of Cedar *

    Scent of Cedar * Well-Known Member



    Our daughter has four kids, too. Three fathers involved. The first two fathers were horrific, but we do fall right in love with our grands, don't we? The third father is a very nice man.

    So our daughter divorced him.


    Then, she was engaged to another teacher. And they were both working, and they had a beautiful, beautiful home.

    And he was the football coach too, and was great with her two sons and did well with the girls, too.

    So, she didn't marry him, either.


    Periodically, we took our two granddaughters, and are a source of stability for them to this day. As I think I hear in your posting too though, when our daughter was where she needed to be emotionally, there was no better mom.

    So home the kids would go, once their mother was up and running.

    It is heartbreaking to leave the kids with their moms when they are little, and impossible to take them (or to take them on) once the kids have been affected by the kinds of things they see when their mother is not doing well emotionally.

    We may be raising a granddaughter, yet.

    The jury is still out.

    I will have to be very strong if it comes to that.

    You brought up telling your grandson there was no money for him. That is such a hard thing. I am so sorry. Part of the reason I am so upset about all this lately is that I know grandmothers this doesn't happen to.

    I have seen them with my own eyes and even, gone shopping with them.

    The parents are standing up the way parents are meant to stand up, and the grandmother gets to be wonderful and cherished all her life.

    And she gets to love her grands, and never has to be disappointed or afraid for them.

    This is not a very encouraging post, I know.

    When I can set my sights on giving myself permission to let the guilt and shame of this additional crumminess of having to say no to my grands just be what it is, then I can stop judging myself for it. Any reasonable limit on this stuff has been blown to smithereens, but it still hurts me to say no.

    We used to love to love them so much, and now, we have to say no and we have to set limits because there are six of them and we cannot take them all and we cannot save them all.

    And it is a whole different layer of betrayal to know what was allowed when my daughter decided, or was not able to, or whatever it was that happened the last time she could not parent her kids.

    Man, that was tough.

    And we cannot help them all to the degree they would hope and so, we battle feeling inadequate as grandparents and that has to do with the fantasy grandparents we wanted to (and thought we would) be.

    And our daughter still needs what she needs.

    And though we say no, it sucks to have to say no.

    And as was mentioned earlier in this post, I personally know grandparents these kinds of things do not happen to.

    And they are so happy, and so innocently proud....


    So, we have to learn to detach, and we have to learn to cherish ourselves through that, and through reclaiming the joy in our lives.

    It is a hard thing.

    I am so glad you found us.

    I will try to post more positively, in future.

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  14. Tanya M

    Tanya M Living with an attitude of gratitude Staff Member

    Do not buy into the guilt she is laying on you. Her life her choices. She is using your love for her against you, trying to get you to feel sorry for her, don't fall for it.
    Stick to simple responses, it really does help.

    "I'm sorry you are having such a difficult time" enough said.....
    Get used to saying NO.
    When you start to detach and withdraw your help, be prepared for her to amp it up. She may try and use your sweet little grandson against you. (unless you do XYZ for me you can forget seeing grandson)

    You have fought a long hard battle. It's time for you to take your life back.

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  15. AppleCori

    AppleCori Well-Known Member

    Welcome, ST, glad you found us.

    There is a lot of wisdom on this board, born from painful experience.

    Thanks to the wise advise on this board, many of us have learned how to take control of OUR lives back from our dysfunctional adult children...and learned to let them control their own lives.

    Even if we don't agree with their choices.

    We have come to understand that we can only control one life--our own--and we owe it to ourselves and our loved ones to take care of US first.

    ST, you have raised your children.

    You did the best you could. You have two great adult kids who can take care of their own lives.

    It's time to let your other daughter take care of her life.

    Even if you don't agree with her choices.

    She will never learn to do things for herself if she can rely on you for everything. She is almost 40. Time to let go.

    You deserve to live in peace and happiness.

    ST, is your retirement on track?

    My brother is going on 50yo and has allowed his dysfunctional adult kids to bleed him dry. He and his wife live in an old RV, have one broken down car, and lots of debts they cant pay. They use to have a house on acreage, savings, all the normal things, but they kept bailing their grown kids out of their self-inflicted problems until they went broke. They moved 1000 miles away to get away from the chaos. Now we learn that their oldest daughter is soon to have baby number four
    (her oldest is 7). But at least they now realize that they cant fix everything. At least I hope they have.

    Don't let that be you.

    ST, let your daughter and her hubby take care of themselves. If the don't have food, let them go to food pantries. If they can't pay their rent, let them suffer the consequences. Don't suffer the consequences for them. They won't learn anything if you do it for them. They haven't learned by having you bail them out.

    Don't keep doing the same things and expecting different results.

    We are here for you as you start on your new path. There will be a learning curve, but you will get stronger as you go.


  16. sooooo tired

    sooooo tired soooootired

  17. sooooo tired

    sooooo tired soooootired

    Thank you for your post !! I just love this site !! I am starting to think I'm normal rather than a guilt ridden enabler. I don't do much for them anymore, but I do provide for my little 3 year old. It is not hard to say no to my seventeen year old grandson because he is working now and spends his money as soon as he gets his hands on it. I have made sure he has had all the necessities his whole life. Clothes shoes, school supplies, entertainment, but now he only calls when he wants something, him and his brother live really close to me and they never offer to shovel my snow, stop by and see me....nothing! I bought my daughter a 30.00 cell phone because she is at home alone alot with no car and has the baby. I am afraid if something happens to him she wont be able to get help. But of course now I am paying for minutes each month because she doesn't have any money. I only buy minimal minutes but once again I am sucked in because of the baby. It doesn't matter what advice I give her she shoots it all down. I told her to get on medications she says Im never taking medications again...I don't like the way they make me feel. She says she cant stand her boyfriend and keeps threatening to take the baby and go to a shelter, hoping I will beg her not to go and let her move in with me.....don't worry that's NOT going to happen! I just cringe every time I see its her on the phone because I know alls im going to hear is how bad her life is so frustrating !!!!!
  18. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    You can try what I did.

    If I'm feeling strong enough to talk, I pick up the phone. If I'm not, I don't. This can go on for days.

    Your grandsons sound like a chip off the ole block o' mom. I wouldn't give them a dime either. Next time they ask, why not counter with a question. "How come you didn't think to come by last snowstorm and shovel for me? I'm not getting any younger, you know."

    And, of course, "Will you pay me if I do?"

    "Well...I thought this is what we do when we love one another. I am actually short right now so I can't pay, but the snow still needs shoveling."

    He'll stop asking you for money.
  19. Carri

    Carri Active Member

    Good point. Hope it's true because I too, can't take it any more. The roller coaster ride just isn't for me any longer. Welcome, SoTired, this is a great place for support.

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  20. sooooo tired

    sooooo tired soooootired

    i just joined this site and I am already feeling stronger!!! You are all awesome!!! This is just what I know that there are so many with the same problem. My daughter has manipulated me for almost 20 years now which has left me with very low self esteem, anxiety, and heartbreak. This site is a blessing !!!! Thank you for your support !!!!
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