Can't we hook up the caravan Mum?

[therese005us]

Another tiresome day with DS19.
The fellow that wanted him to work three days this week, just helping hold up plasterboard while he screwed it up, rang again. He again told him I wouldn't drive him to work, and he didn't want to ride his bike. It would have been about 12km, and the fellow offered to pick him up part way. Still said no!

He told me it was my fault, why should he have to ride, when i should drive him. He'd pay me $50 in petrol. I kept reiterating that i wanted him to take responsibility for himself, motivate himself for good (he has ridden the bike to sneak out for alcohol), he's a healthy lad, with enough energy to ride the short distance in the cool of the morning.. etc. etc.

I asked him later to put the 3 star pickets in that I'd askked him to this morning - he didn't feel like it, could he do it tomorrow? I cracked, said therefore I didn't feel like giving him dinner, and please leave the house (he was geetting a drink of water)

Oh, okay, I'll do it then. But I woldn't let him, I jsut said I was sick of having to beg, blackmail, cajole, for everything I want to get done. He had the audacity to say, I don't do anything for him why should he do for me?

Thi smorning Miss Rachael had to spend an extra hour and a half in the car (when she could have been studying comfortably) because I drove him to put in resumes. Yesterday, we waited in the car an extra 2o minutes while he chose DVDs etc. - but I don't do anything for him!

He went back to his caravan then sent begging texts, asking me to change my mind, as he didn't want to starve! I didn't give in and made sure Kate had her dinner early so there wasn't any left! Sorry,, that's mean, but I have to hit him where it hurts. I've also refused to make a special trip for him to put his centrelink form in, or rremind him about his appointments. I've provided a calendar for him to keep track, I'm sick of breathing for him as well.

I've told him I might not feel like driving him to his regular casual job next week, either. So he said he won't be able to pay 'rent'.

Do you think some of this behaviour might have been set off by his first hour of therapy with the psychologist? he probably didn't pull any punches either. DS reckons he was lecturing him the whole time...

I went up a one way street the wrong way today, and then nearly got wiped out on a roundabout. I think I'm losing it! I can't think he's got me so stressed. That, the student and cherub are sending me grey.

However, I'll get through, with God's grace.

Miss Rachael has been begging me to hook the caravan up and take it to the wilderness. Since it's worth $5500 I'm not prepared to do that, but it's a thought

 

[susiestar]

Sounds like a rough day!

Many of our kids are only motivated by what Fran calls "Do to Get". It is simple. In order for the kid to get what he wants/needs the kid must do what you ask. Period.

Let him bluster about no rent. Let him know that no rent will equal an eviction, or whatever consequence you are willing to follow through on. Make sure the locks on the house are used and that he has no keys. NONE. Make sure the other kids will not let him in if at all possible.

I am sorry he is so determined to not work. It may well be that you must evict him so he has to make his own way before he will straighten up. If you evict him there may be unpleasant scenes and he may go tell family and friends his "woe is me" tale. Prepare the ones who know him for this ahead of time. Those who would judge you for evicting him deserve to have him mooch off of them until they wise up (in my opinion).

Either way, take time every day to be nice to yourself and to recharge your batteries. You deserve it!

 

[Marguerite]

Trish, whatever you decide you need to stick with it. You did tta today. But yesterday you drove him places. I can understand why he's asking, and I can also understand why he doesn't follow through with the 'do to get" (although saying he won't be able to pay board if you don't drive him to work is his own version of 'do to get' played back on you).

Seriously - have you sat down with him and drawn up a written agreement between you two? Because it seems to me that what you want form him, what he needs to do for himself, and what he expects from you, are all very complex and jumbled. Until you do draw it up, I tihnk you're going to find it a long, slow, learning experience.

You each write up on a sheet of paper, what you know you need to do for yourself, what you know you need to do for the other person, and what you can do extra, if it's made easier for you. Part of this is personal responsibility. You make it two-way because he is an adult and you are an adult. Even though you are the parent and it puts you in a position of authority, because he is now an adult HE needs to see that this is part of ALL adults taking responsibility for themselves and their duties. ALL of us. Parents included.

You do it calmly. His list is bound to include stuff which is just not on, but stay calm. Talk it through. If necessary, get his psychologist involved in helping this process. Because once the agreement is drawn up, you both have to stick to it.

If you have in the past been happy to drive him places, then it is uunderstandable he will have thids expectation. However, he needs to see, in writing, that this is an inconvenience for not only you, but others in the family. That's OK, as long as HE is prepared to also be inconvenienced in turn.

Sometimes they need to see it in writing, in order to make it work and speed up the process.

A suggestion (what worked for us) - I would drive my kids, as long as it was work-related or school-related, and as long as it was not going to be a major disruption. If I was already going to be driving that way, we would plan as a family to make best use of the trip. That meant no suddenly deciding to head back into town, after we had been and come back again. And no using this frivolously (such as to go to the pub).

Example - I got difficult child 1 into voluntary work at the local zoo. I felt it was so important to him that I was prepared to make a special trip at sunrise and sunset to get him there. A double trip, with little chance of using the trip for any other purpose.

Second example - difficult child 3 has a weekly drama class "on the mainland". So I sometimes take mother in law and we do our shopping while difficult child 3 is in class. We have to rush to get to the butcher before he shuts, but we get as much done as we can within the timeframe we have. While we were there (and while easy child 2/difficult child 2 & BF2 lived with us) we would collect BF2 from work, or ask him to catch the train to meet up with us. We would also wait for husband to gett back on the train from the city, and drive him home with us. it meant a bit of waiting around after difficult child 3's drama class so he got his weekly treat of a burger for dinner (a good Aussie burger - you know what I mean, Trish!). difficult child 3 would often have homework in the car to get on with.
To do all this required cooperation and coordination. Failure to cooperate or coordinate meant people got missed or had to find ways to get themselves home. Not easy, when the last boat home is sunset!

Kids need to learn that we are not there purely to give in to their every whim. But they need to really KNOW the boundaries and have it stick and be the same, every day. If one day you happen to feel like going for a drive, and it happens to coincide with difficult child wanting to go to the DVD store - then that it pure bonus, not to be taken for granted. if it's in writing as part of the original agreement, then it's easier for him to understand tihs.

It IS worth the time this takes, because it needn't take more than half an hour. Then you stick a copy of it up on the wall. And hopefiully, it sets the patttern for house rules for everybody, as they get older.

Marg