can't win...am I crazy?

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by change, May 25, 2008.

  1. change

    change New Member

    Hey Everyone,

    I thought we were FINALLY getting a break and our Post-Adopt was actually going to try to help us out with tuition for a therapeutic school for daughter but now school suddenly says 3rd party can not pay part of tuition. ?????!!!!! I don't get it. I just don't. We can't win. It looks like she will just have to go into the local public school where she will be either in a heap of trouble shortly and then sent to alternative school or be put into a behavioral support class (we're hoping for that one) but she'll be the only girl with 5 boys and have to face lots of kids from her old elementary school daily wondering why she's in there. :biting: Can you tell I'm stressed out? We're going to have a very stressful summer.
     
  2. meowbunny

    meowbunny New Member

    Could post-adopt give you the money and you pay the school directly? I know for my daughter, that is the way I had to work it (not that they paid a whole heck of a lot of her tuition). I think the reasoning is the school holds you liable for the cost and if they accept third-party checks they may not be able to go after you. Gotta love the greed factor.

    Good luck!
     
  3. LittleDudesMom

    LittleDudesMom Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Change,

    I agree with meow, can't the post-adopt program give the money to you? If they are informed that this is what is necessary to truly help your daughter and this is the way the program works, I would think they would be cooperative. Can't be the first time this issue has come up.

    Check with them - let them know that you really beleive this is what will save your daughter. Appeal to their sense of responsibility. Let us know what happens.

    Good luck.

    Sharon
     
  4. meowbunny

    meowbunny New Member

    LDM -- I wouldn't bother appealing to any sense of responsibility when it comes to social services. Chance, you can try that method but I found it really took the 2x4. I had threaten fun things like disrupting the adoption or a lawsuit for lack of disclosure to get them to give even a penny. However, since they've already agreed to pay for the Residential Treatment Center (RTC), it shouldn't be a problem getting them to give you the funds and you paying the school directly.
     
  5. change

    change New Member

    Thanks for your support. I was thinking of that in the back of my mind but I'm not sure how they'll take it. I can hear it now...a bunch of legal excuses, etc. #$%@!!!!! I hate to sound entitled but they DID NOT come through for us when it came to our son. Now look where we are!!!!!! I am heart-broken and feel like the rug is being pulled out from under us. I also feel like the school is being greedy. They DID NOT state to me from the beginning about their so-called policy. They conveniently said so about the 3rd party policy AFTER I came up with my own solution to ask Post-Adopt for help with tuition. I mean...what do they care where the $ comes from? They're still getting it! I think they just want the opportunity to get more. It really peeves me. They know we are both teachers. I'm wondering if they're discriminating a bit because they know we live in the same historic neighborhood as the school (they have our address) and saw me leave the school (I have a luxury hybrid). I shouldn't have to explain myself but we saved for 5+ years to pay most for most of that vehicle outright when we bought it. Also, we bought our home 13 years ago and did all of the updates ourselves with family members' help for free (before the neighborhood got popular and expensive). That's the kind of stuff I'm up against. I'm wondering if the director thinks we have more $ than we actually do. $%#@! Yet again...we fall into the catch-22 category of financial stuff. Not poor enough...not enough $. #$%@!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! It's not fair.
     
  6. meowbunny

    meowbunny New Member

    Hon, your school doesn't care about your car or address. Their bottom line is that they want to be sure they are paid and, if they're not paid, they have recourse. A lot of agencies have the policy that the money they pay will be the total amount the Residential Treatment Center (RTC) will get. So, if the agency pays one-third of the total tuition and the school accepts it, they can't go to the parents to get the other two-thirds. The policy really does seem to be universal. I'm sure post-adopt has encountered this before. Just talk to them. I'm sure they'll be amenable to giving you the funds directly and letting you pay as you see fit.
     
  7. change

    change New Member

    Well I really hope you're right meowbunny. I've been given the look so many times already when we go to the doctor, etc. and my children had medicaid and then they noticed our address. First question was "do you rent?". After the answer was no, they would look me up and down and check out my clothes, bag, etc. I know they were thinking I cheated the system. (My kids could pass for my birth children. They don't look like my husband but he's gotten the same treatment.) We're sick of it. We shouldn't have to tell anyone they're adopted nor any of our business if we don't want to.
     
  8. Shari

    Shari IsItFridayYet?

    Possibly the post-adopt would be willing to reimburse you?

    Or perhaps you could offer to sign a contract with the school that if payment is not received by, sat, the 10th of each month, your daughter can not attend until payment is made? A gaurantee for them that they'll be paid for their service maybe will get them out of their predicament a little? I don't know, just ideas.
     
  9. Christy

    Christy New Member

    Change,

    I hope you can get something worked out. I like the idea of asking the post-adopt to pay you and you pay the school.

    I just wanted to say that I get what you are saying about the look people give you with the medicaid. Everytime I go to the pharmacy I have to fight to get the insurance to cover because we have both private and state insurance for difficult child. The private picks up the plan allowance and the state is to pick up the rest. They invariably screw it up and I refuse to pay and ask them to resubmit. The people at the drugstore act like I am trying to rip them off.

    We are involved in a behavioral-support program through the county and when they asked our income, the program supervisor gave me a weird look and just said, "Oh." I said, "Is that a problem?" "Well, you are not even on our sliding-fee scale, if your son didn't have medical assistance, you would have to pay the full amount. And, why does he have medical assistance if you have insurance?" "Because he is entitled to it as a special needs adoption, I said." "Do you get a stipend for him?" she asked. Does this woman think this is all some money making scam! We would pay any amount if it would help our son but we are also entitled to the same services and programs as any other family in our situation regardless of income.

    Good luck with the school,
    Christy
     
  10. Wiped Out

    Wiped Out Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Wow Christy and Change I'm sorry you have dealt with that with the medicaid. We have really good private insurance and also Medicaid for difficult child. We've never had a problem. In fact, at one point our psychiatrist recommended applying for the Medicaid for him.

    Change-I hope something can be worked out with the tuition.
     
  11. timer lady

    timer lady Queen of Hearts

    These people are totally out of line asking you about medical assistance or a stipend. It is none of their business ~ it's between you & the agency with which you signed the adoption agreement.

    I've had to take the same route as meow; threaten to disrupt the adoption if the agreement we signed was not followed through. It can & will get ugly. It will be ulgier if the agency has to come & pick up your child because they wouldn't follow their legal obligations.

    I don't see why you couldn't be paid for tuition & you pay the school. by the way, when kt & wm were first placed the agency with which we worked paid daycare expenses directly. There were no questions asked on either end.
     
  12. meowbunny

    meowbunny New Member

    I lived in a pretty aflluent neighborhood and I made a very good salary both when employed and self-employed. My daughter was eligible for free lunch, medicaid and a few other programs. I took advantage of every program I could. It wasn't that I couldn't afford to pay for them but that I could use that money for things that weren't provided by social services such as equine therapy, dance, gymnastics.

    I got the looks and, frequently, the comments. The ones that got to me were those who muttered under their breath about people taking advantage of the system. At first, I tried to set them straight. Explaining that my daughter had special needs and I couldn't afford to pay for everything myself. I finally got smart and just didn't say anything. If I was asked, I would answer honestly -- I felt (and still do) that explaining how the system worked might help the next person. If they muttered, glared, raised their eyebrows, it was their problem. I was doing nothing illegal nor immoral.

    Sadly, we have to develop thick skins -- not just because our kids will happily embarass us in public or will do what they will regardless of our feelings, but because of the idiots who try to judge us because of our "poor" parenting skills. When you add in things like appearing to be affluent, your skin just has to be a bit tougher. As long as you know you aren't cheating anyone and that you are doing everything possible to help your child, stare them in eye and dare them to say something. It takes time and practice but you do reach the point where their opinions don't matter.
     
  13. change

    change New Member

    Thank y'all again for the advice. Yes...it's the same Christy. You DO know what I'm going through as far as "the look" and the judgement. It's utterly ridiculous. I WOULD pay any amount for a magic cure to "normalize" my children. Alas, there is none. As timerlady and others pinted out, we are just doing what we can to get the best out of the system that our children are ABSOLUTELY entitled to as special needs children. Unfortunately, our Post-Adopt has not come through as promised at all...even when we HAVE threatened things. I think the only reason they MAY help pay for tuition now is because I was asking for an Residential Treatment Center (RTC) form for daughter and they have been hearing how she is slipping drastically over the last 3-4 months when she was relatively doing "ok" compared to her brother before all the recent trauma. They still haven't sent me the Residential Treatment Center (RTC) form either now that I think about it. We're pretty much on our own, as usual. It's so ridiculous.
     
  14. Shari

    Shari IsItFridayYet?

    Change, I, too, can identify with your "look", although from the other perspective.
    ***
    I have a good job. But even if the family's pulling in 6 digit income, difficult child treatment is expensive. And I don't pull in 6 digits. Anyway, point is, I have a good job. Most everyone I work with has a new car and nice houses in the suburbs. I drive a 16 year old car that I bought for $200 and put $100 worth of parts into so I can save my 14 year old truck that has 300,000 miles on it to use when we pull the trailer, do farm work, or go camping. My car still needs a muffler, but it gets 28mpg. I buy my clothes at a second hand shop (tho I tend to really like Christopher Banks clothes - which I'm lucky to find there often!). I wear my clothes til they literally wear out. I don't update with the seasons or even yearly. All of my boots and shoes came from Ebay - I only buy tennis shoes new, and that's once a year. I have one pair of work shoes - a pair of brown leather Eastlands I bought at the Salvation Army 2 years ago for $2. I wear them every day and have sewn them together several times. I have learned to do all my own mechanic work, and I haven't got the knack or wearing rubber gloves to do it, so sometimes my fingernails and hands are dark from the grease for the first few days after the weekend. My house is 110+ years old and tiny (1100sq ft and at one time, we had 6 people living there) and outdated. The kitchen drain line collapsed this winter and I will repair it myself, but haven't had time, so I bucket water out of the kitchen when I do dishes, etc. Only a few co-workers have been to my house, and they all stand and stare at our water-stained ceilings and 30 year old kitchen flooring...but frankly, I don't care. This is the price of trying to give my difficult child a future, and I'm willing to pay it.
    ***
    But you should see the looks I get when I pull into the private school parking lot to drop off difficult child for school in my mufflerless rust-bucket.
    ***
    I feel your pain on the judgement thing.
     
  15. change

    change New Member

    Well that kind of judgement is JUST AS BAD Shari. I'm so sorry. I can't stand judgment. Even before I was in this predicament I was never a part of that group ("the people who love to judge and ONLY be part of elite cliques,etc.")...it's just awful. Anyway, now that I'm in this predicament, I can fully speak from experience that those who LOOK like they "have it all" are sometimes those suffering the most awful secrets. I'm sure I'm not the only one on this forum like that. It only makes it harder to endure too. I'm sick of my life most days. I feel good about being able to vent here. Outside of a very few close friends, I feel like I live a double life. It's exhausting. I don't know how you single moms are doing it. You deserve huge rewards. I'm humbled now that I sit here and think about it. I wish we all lived in the same city so we could go out together.
     
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