Carnival

[Lillyth]

I took difficult child to the Carnival today, and I am glad I did.

Everything went smoothly, and he had a good time. I think being able to feel like a part of the community again went a long way to healing him. I think that he has already partially given up on himself (yes, at age 8) because he is always getting into trouble.

He was an absolute angel, though I was watching him like a hawk, which is not my usual style of parenting. While I don't think any child can truly be themselves with mom or dad "on them" 24/7, I think in his case, I kinda have to be, at least where other children are involved.

Thank you all for the advice you gave. I truly think that if he had missed the Carnival, it would have done more harm than good, and, in the long run, served to make him feel worse about himself, and more isolated.

I'm SO glad I found this place.

I had no idea how badly I needed it...

 

[busywend]

I am glad you both got to enjoy some fun time. It can seem few and far between sometime when they are acting out all the time. It is a nice break for everyone.

So, now you have to evaluate your punishments before hand so you do not hand out something you might take back, right? It is hard and I have done it more times than I can count!

 

[Pookybear66]

Glad you all had a good time! Parenting is a tough road and a long journey. I am realizing that more and more each day myself. Keep up the learning but admit that you are human and everyone makes mistakes. Take a step back now that the air has cleared and maybe even involve your ds. Make a list of rewards and punishments/consequences that you can both agree on would be suitable for the actions taken. Post it somewhere and stick to it or change it together as neccessary. That way maybe you won't have to "go back on your word".

 

[KTMom91]

So glad everyone had a wonderful time!

 

[Lillyth]

Glad you all had a good time! Parenting is a tough road and a long journey. I am realizing that more and more each day myself. Keep up the learning but admit that you are human and everyone makes mistakes. Take a step back now that the air has cleared and maybe even involve your ds. Make a list of rewards and punishments/consequences that you can both agree on would be suitable for the actions taken. Post it somewhere and stick to it or change it together as neccessary. That way maybe you won't have to "go back on your word".

I think the hardest part about that is really, how do I think up, in advance, consequences for strangling a little girl then yelling back at her father "If you were a kid, I'd kick your ***!" when he confronts you about strangling his daughter?

These just aren't the sorts of things you expect ever to happen, so it is difficult, if not impossible, to come up with this stuff beforehand, ya know?

*Sigh* Oh well, huh? We do what we can, right?

 

[tonime]

Glad you guys enjoyed the carnival! We all need to laugh and have fun once in awhile!

 

[meowbunny]

One thing I found that helped was to not mete out any consequence at the instancve something happened. I would let my daughter know I was angry and that there would be consequences but not until I calmed down. It did save us a few times.

One thing I would have your son do is write letters of apology to the girl and her father. Make sure he puts in it why it was wrong and what he should have done instead. For my daughter, I found that acting out incidents with puppets and stuffies helped her see the other side.

Good luck! Parenting our kids is not for the weak.

 

[Wiped Out]

I'm glad you enjoyed the carnival-a good memory to savor.

 

[Pookybear66]

Lillyth-by the way is that your "real" name cause it's pretty. Anyway, I don't think you have to necessarily think up every possible incidence that could happen. Gee that would be WAY too exhausting! Instead, do like they do in school settings:
1) Keep your hands to yourself.
2) Use nice language i.e. no swear words.
3) Respect others property i.e. no bashing the walls of the house in
4) Always tell the truth.
And so on. The key is to state them in a positive manner and be general but specific enough so he can understand the rule.
The consequences can be anything substantial to him specifically:
So if he breaks any rule 1 time then - he must apologize and will get warned to not do it again.
If twice then- No TV/video/computer/cell phone use for 1 day.
If 3 then ---
I hope you get the idea and I hope it helps some.

 

[Lillyth]

One thing I found that helped was to not mete out any consequence at the instancve something happened. I would let my daughter know I was angry and that there would be consequences but not until I calmed down. It did save us a few times.

One thing I would have your son do is write letters of apology to the girl and her father. Make sure he puts in it why it was wrong and what he should have done instead. For my daughter, I found that acting out incidents with puppets and stuffies helped her see the other side.

Good luck! Parenting our kids is not for the weak.

I think that is a great idea. It is always a bad idea for me to mete out consequences when I am upset. It always turns into "You can never do anything fun ever again" type of thing.

With this time though, the loss of the park and the carnival didn't live so much like "You can't go as a result of this", but more like a "We can't trust you to be around other kids for a while without hurting them" kind of a thing.

We're still standing firm on the no park thing though, but that is mostly to let the girl's father calm down. (He was very, very upset).

As for the apology letters, that has already been done, and in fact, Adam even ran into the little girl today at the carnival and she showed off her face paint to him & he showed off his prizes to her. It was all smiles.

 

[Lillyth]

Lillyth-by the way is that your "real" name cause it's pretty. Anyway, I don't think you have to necessarily think up every possible incidence that could happen. Gee that would be WAY too exhausting! Instead, do like they do in school settings:
1) Keep your hands to yourself.
2) Use nice language i.e. no swear words.
3) Respect others property i.e. no bashing the walls of the house in
4) Always tell the truth.
And so on. The key is to state them in a positive manner and be general but specific enough so he can understand the rule.
The consequences can be anything substantial to him specifically:
So if he breaks any rule 1 time then - he must apologize and will get warned to not do it again.
If twice then- No TV/video/computer/cell phone use for 1 day.
If 3 then ---
I hope you get the idea and I hope it helps some.

Gosh, I think that is a great idea! That is the rule with his scooter. Helmet MUST be worn at all time when he is on it.

First infraction, he lost a day. Second, he lost two days. And so on. I told him that every time he gets on that scooter without a helmet on, he looses another day. I also told him that I don't care how many times he does it, I'll just keep adding another day.

We are up to eight, but that is in over a year, so I think he's really gotten the message.

I'll run this by my hubby & see what we can come up with.

Thanks for the great idea!

 

[LittleDudesMom]

Lillyth,

I'm glad difficult child had a good time. Let me tell you, when my difficult child (at age 8) went through his toughest year, I had no choice but to be on top of him all the time - it was absolutely necessary. And, a very wise woman (his then principal) told me that as difficult child was struggling with his images of self, it was very important not to withhold any friendships or "normal" activities. He needed all the "normal" stuff as possible. She said it was a really important step to "bringing him back". She was right.

I'm glad it went well.

Sharon

 

[Pookybear66]

Lillyth-Glad you liked my ideas! Hope they help some, let us know please.