Chaotic home life!

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by Jules71, Oct 11, 2013.

  1. Jules71

    Jules71 Warrior Mom since 2007

    Things are so chaotic around here. difficult child has to be watched every second. If I go in the other room he scares, hits, threatens, bothers, etc his little brother. Every. Single. Time. Seriously - I cannot go to the bathroom or take a shower.

    The aggression is getting worse. I don't know how to get him to stop. His answer is always something like "I didn't mean to", "I didn't try to", "I didn't do it". It's like he will be mad about something and reach over and smack his brother. I fly off the handle and scream and tell him over and over he CANNOT do that, but it doesn't stop.

    From what I gather - the problem is school. difficult child HATES school. Absolutely hates it. I try to ask him questions about what he dislikes and I tell him I will help him if he will just let me know - but he can't tell me.

    When we 'go after' him in the middle of him hurting his brother - he will run away, knock things over, make a complete disaster, flip us off, and his swearing is NON STOP. Seriously - ALL OF THIS BECAUSE HE HATES SCHOOL?

    I don't know what to do. I am depressed. All I want to do is stay in bed and watch TV. I feel like I cannot cope. I am stressed to the max physically and mentally. When it all gets to be too much - my husband will snap. That usually results in me coming to difficult child's defense, then me and husband arguing - and then husband leaving. I never get a break. And really what good does it do, when I'd just have to come back to all of this chaos. It is all too much.

    Yesterday, difficult child told easy child if he didn't eat all of his waffle - he would stab him in the back at school. Then easy child didn't want to go to school. :(

    I need ideas.
  2. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    You need to look after YOU. There is, after all, only one of you, and you need you and so do the rest of the family.
    Get whatever help you can find in any direction, to deal with the stress, anxiety, etc. therapist, psychiatrist, whatever.

    And then... you need to go head to head with "them"... school and doctors.
    Of course he can't tell you. Nor will he. He really doesn't KNOW. He's been telling everyone for years, and nobody will listen. He will tell a teacher that he can't do something that was asked, and he'll get told he just has to try harder.

    He has challenges that they and you do not see. Somehow, you have to get to the bottom of it.
    If you go back in memory and think about times when you have asked difficult child about school... what kind of a response did you get? things like "the other kids bug me", or "the class is too noisy", or "I can't hear the teacher"? All of those are huge clues.
  3. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    I'm going to guess that, while school is probably pretty awful for him, that isn't why he behaves this way. I think an updated evaluation may be a good idea...or a second opinion.

    When you say your husband snaps, do you mean he hits him? Just wondering. That won't help. Screaming at him won't help either. Our difficult child's actually do a bit better if we can stay calm. These already-ramped-up kids just get more ramped up if WE buy into it! Not that it's easy to stay calm, but if you can manage, maybe it will keep things to a minimum. There is NOTHING to be gained by hitting. If your husband is hitting him, try to get him to stop.

    My guess is that his behavior is atypical in school and he is being bullied or bullying and getting into trouble for it because the educators don't understand him. That's why it's a good idea to get another evaluation.

    IC is right about you taking care of your needs as well. A therapist might be able to teach you coping skills to deal with the stress. I am working on stress management by using mindfulness and meditation. With mindfulness you can learn, to the best of your ability, to view a situation without judging it and getting too emotionally involved. That way you can learn to stay calm and not upset your difficult child further or, most importantly, yourself. This isn't your fault and you can't fix it alone. Don't expect yourself to. And take time out to be alone. Put husband on babysitting status.
  4. DaisyFace

    DaisyFace Love me...Love me not

    Jules -


    This sounds a bit like my child, who would get uncontrollably angry FIRST, then act on the anger, then try to come up with a rationale for feeling angry in the first place. For my difficult child it was a mood regulation issue. There was no "solving" anything because the mood was disordered first. THEN there would be an expression of the pent up anger. There usually was not a definitive event or situation that caused the anger. If there was, we would have done our darndest to fix it for her...
  5. Jules71

    Jules71 Warrior Mom since 2007

    No husband doesn't hit him. He will just try to restrain him if he's flipping out or destroying things. That instead of just ignoring it.

    You are right IC he has been trying to tell us for years that something is wrong.

    I find myself trying to figure out how we're going to make it through one more day let alone junior high and high school.

    I feel like easy child is going to need therapy. He is well as the rest of us are being traumatized by difficult child. And I know difficult child is hurting inside too.

    I feel hopeless right now.
  6. Jules71

    Jules71 Warrior Mom since 2007

    Perfect example - We get home from picking kids up from school - walk in the front door. difficult child gets in first, turns and throws his lunch bag at easy child - trying to hit him in the face. It misses and knocks a scented wax pot off the end table so I yell "Noooooo" and difficult child runs and throws the vacuum down in an attempt to get away. Welcome home!!

    Now he is in the other room roaring like an animal at easy child in an attempt to scare him and make him scream.
  7. Californiablonde

    Californiablonde Well-Known Member

    Do you ever get breaks for yourself? Even just for a hot bath or a nice walk around the block? Is your husband helpful with that?
  8. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    Do I remember correctly that you sought professional help a couple of years ago? I sure don't have the answers but I know that this situation is going to get worse and worse and your easy child is going to suffer. You either have to find a way to get a professional on board OR you are going to have to clone yourself to easy child for his protection. Sorry it has gotten so out of hand but the "abused" child very often ends up with more problems than the "abuser". Sending hugs. DDD
  9. Bunny

    Bunny Active Member

    It sounds like he needs a follow up evaluation with someone different than the person who first diagnosed him. Does he behave well in school? I know that difficult child would behave like a little angel in school. The teachers loved him and would tell me that they wished they had a whole classroom full of difficult child...and then he would come home and promptly melt down in my doorway. He would expend so much energy on keeping it together in the school setting that there was just nothing left to hold him together once he got home. And the rest of is suffered.

    I have often felt like I have to protect easy child from difficult child, and I can only say that it's exhausting!!! I have done everything that I can think of at times to keep them apart. When they play nicely together, which is usually when they are doing exactly what difficult child wants, they can be really great together. When it gets bad, it can get really ugly. I know exactly how you feel and just wanted to send some gentle (((hugs))).
  10. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    Start thinking like a scout leader. BE PREPARED.
    Don't let the kids carry in their own back packs and lunch bags... have a container in the trunk that it all gets dumped into, and you can retrieve it "later", after you've transitioned into the house. That way, difficult child doesn't have anything to throw.
    Pack snacks WITH you, so the kids eat in the car. Low blood sugar is a guaranteed bad-behaviour trigger, even for easy child kids.
    Always have the main "thoroughfares" in your house absolutely clear, so that if difficult child is going crazy there isn't anything to knock over.
    Try to get ahead of the problem, rather than reacting.
  11. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    Great ideas here.
    I am sorry you are going through this.
    Definitely, get easy child his own therapist. He needs to talk in a safe place, and be validated.
    I agree that Bubby needs a new evaluation. He's old enough now that other behaviors will have come to light, and he's a bit more verbal. You may want to up his dose of Concerta, as well.
    In regard to a bubble bath, for your other son's protection (bug), you may want to grab a video game and have him sit in a corner of the bathroom with you while you soak. Lock the bathroom door and the bedroom door. Just an idea ... that way he gets a break too.
    Good luck! I feel for you!
  12. Liahona

    Liahona Guest

    Some of the things I've had to do are assigned in and out of the van routines. They all know who is first, second, ect... Assigned seats in the van, so difficult child 1 wasn't within arms length of others. We had to get a 15 seater van. Some times one difficult child has to eat away from the rest because of aggression or sensory issues. I've had to take kids into the bathroom with me. I've locked kids in their rooms so I could go to the bathroom or shower. easy child might need to stay right by you.
  13. Castle Queen

    Castle Queen Warrior in training

    I think you have the twin to my difficult child...I have a easy child too that is often his victim.
    A few the behavior worse certain times of day (ie when medications are coming onboard, after school when they may be wearing off and rebound coming into play?) My difficult child is on Concerta and it work well when it's in his system. Before...forget it, swearing and violence just like Bubby. Have to police him constantly, and right at the time of day I am supposed to be getting ready for work. And we need to provide a step down dose of stimulant after school to avoid the dreaded our case it's Dextroamphetamine.
    I wouldn't doubt he needs a release if he's been holding it together in school. Is there any way he can get some physical activity after school, either organized or not?
    And it could be he needs an upped dose, is your sig current?
  14. Jules71

    Jules71 Warrior Mom since 2007

    Thanks for the support everyone! I really needed it and appreciate it.

    Yes, you are correct. We have tried counseling for Bubby a couple of times. It didn't make a difference. We have not tried it for Bug. Maybe Bug and I need to go.

    Yes, current sig is correct. He definitely does better when he gets physical activity - getting him to "go" or "participate" is a whole other problem. He used to be involved in Scouts and sports but it got to be too much getting him to go (transition?). We haven't tried a higher dose for quite some time. In the past, that always caused problems with sleep and aggression.

    His behavior at school is getting worse too. I have had complaints from students and one teacher so far about his inappropriate language. He has had one official report of it as well. He is behind in his school work each week and I have been working very closely with school to address this. I am not owning it anymore. They need to work with him AT SCHOOL. I will not battle him on homework anymore (another post).

    The "break" I get is while they are at school. I don't think of it as a break much. When I am home and they are too - all of the behavior issues fall to me. There is little peace.

    For years I have been asking for a referral for a neuropsychologist evaluation but each professional I have approached about it says that is for kids with brain damage. The closest I got was two visits to a developmental behavioral pediatric doctor. He was terrible and told us on the 2nd visit that he was leaving and going somewhere else. He really dropped the ball. Our pediatrician just gave me a referral to another psychologist to have him tested again. I am in the process of getting that appointment set up. I also want to have him tested for Auditory Processing Disorders (APD)'s - but that would require going back to the place in the next city over where he went to see the dev. pediatrician. I have also considered taking him to have a private Occupational Therapist (OT) evaluation. He has his 3 year re-evaluation at school this year too.

    It is just so exhausting. I really need the tools to deal with his constant picking on of everyone around him. It happens at all times of the day. When he is like that - the only thing that would stop him would be to lock him up - and if we did that, he would destroy everything. Forget about him doing anything we ask/tell him to do - unless he wants to.

    I know he doesn't want to be like this. I know he hates himself because he is like this. I am sad for him. :(
  15. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    Are you asking for neuropsychologist? There's... other definitions of the neuropsychologist term, but the combo of neurological and psychological training is what seems to be an advantage in comprehensive evaluations (at least in the US). Here... team approaches, or PhD-level psychologists with a specialty in testing, are good routes too.
  16. Jules71

    Jules71 Warrior Mom since 2007

    Yes, neuropyschological evaluation by a neuropsychologist. They have all told me that is for people who have suffered brain damage. I just got off the phone with the new psychologist's office. They are going to do psychological testing which will include testing for Learning Disability (LD)'s, ADHD, processing speed problems, etc. She said our insurance does cover testing but if we called them not to mention educational testing because often times they will not cover it.
  17. Jules71

    Jules71 Warrior Mom since 2007

    Here is something I just found online:

    Your doctor may recommend this testing (neuropsychologist evaluation) if:

    You have a disease that can damage the brain, such as:
    Alzheimer's disease or other dementia.
    Multiple sclerosis.
    Brain tumor.
    Parkinson's disease.
    You have an injury that may have damaged your brain, such as a concussion or a more serious brain injury.
    You have a history of drug or alcohol abuse that may have affected your brain.
    You have been exposed to poisons, chemicals, or pollution that can cause brain damage.
    You have attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD) or problems in school.
    Your doctor wants to see how well treatment for one of these diseases, conditions, or injuries is working.

    They always excluded the bolded point above when I would ask for a referral.
  18. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    I just entered State of Washington Neuropsycholigical evaluations and there were "hits. including somepleace in Harborview. I don't know a thing about Washington....I live in sunny Florida, lol....but full evaluations are available. I wish you luck. DDD
  19. Bunny

    Bunny Active Member

    Whoever told you that Zach neuropsychologist evaluation is only for people with brain damage hasn't got a clue! Keep pushing. If you can't get a referral from the pediatrician then I would start making calls on your own to find someone who can help your son. His behavior is effecting the rest of the family, but it's also effecting him, as well. He doesn't want to behave badly like this. He needs help, and unfortunately, help can sometimes be very hard to find.