Checking in

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by Esri, Feb 2, 2015.

  1. Esri

    Esri Member

    My daughter and I are still not talking.

    I waited a few weeks and then sent her a message. 'I hope you're doing well. No matter what, I love you' no response.

    I sent another one yesterday 'can we talk today? Lunch?' Again no response.

    I know I need to stop trying because I only hurt myself more.

    My dad said to stop giving her the control. I find this interesting. This whole thing is like a bad game. I am still learning how to play.

    I know I only have control over me and my emotions and I am trying. I'm tired of being sad and constantly have her on my mind.

    I say I'm going to move on and focus on my life, but dang it, it's not that easy.

    Who is this girl that I used to be so close to? How can family mean nothing to her?

    I know about being codependent. I have talked about this with my therapist. I am reading the book too.

    I get some of it. I know I am putting way to much of my life into wanting her to be a part of it. But she IS my daughter, not just another person. I know I can't make her do anything and I don't want that. I want her to want a relationship.

    I know what to need to do. But my heart does not want to follow my head.
     
  2. Carri

    Carri Active Member

    My son doesn't respond to my text messages lately either and I feel exactly like you do. I know I should just back off and wait for him to send me a message. I don't want to smother him, I just want to stay in touch, know if he's ok. The reality it, when I don't hear from him, he's not ok, by my standards. He's using. I'll hear from him when he needs something or he's in jail again. Let's just hang in there, huh?
     
  3. Scent of Cedar *

    Scent of Cedar * Well-Known Member

    You are her mom, Esri. I don't think you are being codependent or any other bad thing. You love her. That is something she feels every time she hears from you, whether she responds or not. For me, when I've had to stand up or say something my kids don't like or say no more money or whatever it is and they stop communicating with me for a time...that is alright. They can feel about me however they want. It has nothing to do with me, really. I love them. I do the things I think are right for me, and for them, and that is all I know to do. There was a phrase some time back about being enough. About our situations with our kids being what they are, and about knowing, once we have done the right things by our own lights, that their responses (or lack thereof) are enough.

    You love her.

    That matters.

    How she loves you doesn't really matter.

    How you love her is the only thing you have any say in.

    I love it that you invited her for lunch. I send cards sometimes, when my kids are in a snit about something. Those kinds of cards that acknowledge that things can be really tough for all of us, but that it will be alright.

    I read somewhere that the best thing a mom can do is to tell her child it is going to work out, if she follows her heart.

    So it's okay to be sad, Esri. There is nothing easy about loving our kids, sometimes. But that you love her will matter to her, to who she is and to who she thinks she can be and what she thinks she can accomplish, for all of her life.

    Here is another thing that I read: That in times of trouble, the child will rebel against the one she feels most comfortable with. The one she feels will love her, no matter what.

    Everything changes, all the time. "This too shall pass." When you feel especially badly, teach yourself to honor yourself for the love, and to cherish yourself through the pain. We have some measure of control over our choice of mood. We can aim higher, even if we fall flat on our faces. There was a time when I was so discouraged, so horrified at everything that kept happening, that I truly did not know what to do. So, I began saying, "Yes."

    And my life expanded, and the hurtful parts seemed not as all encompassing.

    A special little prayer going up for you this morning, Esri.

    Cedar
     
  4. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    I have a son who hasn't been in my life for eight years. I sent letters. I left messages. I tried. In the end, he did not appreciate it and he and his wife turned it against me. I do have other kids and I think that helps, but I am finding I no longer focus on what he's doing or why. And since I did get feedback about his reaction to how hard I tried, I quit trying. It was hurtful, embarassing, and disrespectful.

    This child was adopted from another country at age six. Maybe the fact that I did not have him since birth has made it possible for me to accept his decision and move on as we didn't have that very early bonding. But, if I'm honest, I loved him like I'd given birth to him. It just obviously was not returned to that degree by him. It was hard. I had to grieve and did grieve. He has two little boys I have never seen and his wife hates me, although she doesn't know me.

    I don't know your daughter's story, but it's always sad when kids stop speaking to us. And, since I am a research junkie, I am reading that this going no contact with a parent is on the rise and it's a kind of control and even abuse, if they are doing it because we won't give them, say, the money they want even though they are age 30 and using drugs. This was not the case with my son. I said some things to him that he didn't like and I'm so sorry I did. They were not hateful things, but we did have words, but it was not something people normally are still angry about eight years later (or even eight DAYS later). And he doesn't care how much I apologize so i stopped.

    The way I let go when I finally realized I have to (not that I don't sometimes hope), but I focused on those loved ones in my life who are both important and good to me as I am to them. I am lucky that I do have four grown children who do love and talk to me and call me a lot and a loving husband. Those are blessings from my Higher Power. Rather than trying to win back the one who left, I focus on those who are still with me and always will be.

    Some of our grown kids are not nice people or are not doing good things or both. We want to love them, but they won't let us.


    If your daughter is abusing drugs, I highly recommend getting into a support group so you can share with other parents. I'm thinking that drug users often go AWOL. At any rate, one thing that keeps me grounded is this (if you have no God, just leave God out of this)

    God grant me the Serenity to accept the things I can not change,
    the Courage to change the things I can,
    And the Wisdom to know the difference.
     
    Last edited: Feb 2, 2015
  5. Tanya M

    Tanya M Living with an attitude of gratitude Staff Member

    ((HUGS)) to you Esri,

    I very rarely hear from my son and when I do it's because he wants something. I let go a long time ago the notion that he and I would have a good relationship.
    It's a greiving process, while it's not a physical death you are mourning the loss of the child you used to know. It's good to allow yourself to let go of what was, otherwise you can get stuck.

    If it were easy we wouldn't need forums like this. The fact that you are aware of what you need to do is a good place to start. Again, it's a process, it takes time.

    Hang in there, you will get through this.
     
  6. 2much2recover

    2much2recover Well-Known Member

    To have a real relationship it takes both parties. Until she is willing to give up the games, or unless you are willing to only "play" on a limited basis don't expect her to feel the same way about the importance of family ties as you do.
     
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  7. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I'm sorry Ersi, this stuff is hard. I can understand why your heart is broken, this is your first born daughter.
    I can understand your sorrow. As you said, your head knows what to do but your heart isn't buying it.
    It takes time for us to let go of our kids. Your daughter made the choice to move out at 18 and cut a lot of ties with you....... and that isn't the usual trajectory nor what we expect or are ready for. And yet, it is what it is.

    You have therapy, you're reading books and you''re feeling your feelings, for a little while that is how it's going to be until you emerge out of the process of letting go and detaching and accepting what is.
    It isn't easy, but, like the rest of us here, you have no control over what your adult child is doing. All that is left for us to do is to learn to accept it. And, it AIN'T easy.........in fact, it may be the hardest thing you'll ever do, it was for me.

    While you're going through this transition, be VERY VERY kind to yourself. Allow yourself to be sad and to cry, to not understand and to rail against what is........you're in a grieving process going through the stages of grief........... which are denial, bargaining, anger, depression and then acceptance. Not necessarily in that order. It takes time. This is a big transition for both of you. She is apparently needing to test her wings independent of you. All you can do is let go and allow it, you have no other choice.

    I'm sorry, I know how much it hurts. Hang in there, down the road a piece it is going to be better. Take it one day at a time.

    Sending hugs Ersi........
     
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