child psychologist visit --he loves you

[TerryJ2]

We just got back from the child psychiatric's ofc. It was very interesting for me but unproductive for easy child. I had no idea she was that stressed out and thought boarding school and/or camp was Right Now. She had a long talk with-husband in the car this a.m, and I will talk to her tonight. She is taking too much of this on her own shoulders. I also made an appointment., just the two of us, to talk to Dr. R on Thurs. afternoon.

(Oh, by the way, difficult child had 2 meltdowns this wk, Thur and Sun., and he threatened me and shoved his fist at my face and husband had to intervene. I priced out video cameras yesterday, because I don't think Ghg knows he does that ... it's like he's outside of himself, another person. I couldn't find a good one in the price range I wanted. I'll keep looking.)

I printed out a bunch of stuff about ADHD/ODD boarding schools (I started a sep note here) and found some cool places in NC, incl. summer camps that are so cool, I would want to teach there! They do horseback riding and llama backpacking.
Of course, ALL the kids would be like difficult child so I would not be trained to deal with-that. I would ride off into the sunset, never to be seen again. :smirk:

It's interesting, that the places you send a child for drug rehab is completely separate from ADHD camps, and the websites make a huge point to say so in their promo lit. I can understand why. I just never thought about it b4.

At any rate, we'll start with-the camps and maybe do a boarding school next yr or the yr after ... it's the same as college tuition. Gulp. The other thing is, camp will give husband a chance to digest this "going away" thing, because he got all teary eyed and said he would miss difficult child so much, he didn't know if he could stand it. I'm half wondering if difficult child and husband should live together, just the two of them, but know that is not the best solution. difficult child needs professionals, not a bunch of poodles like us. It's about his survival, not about our feelings. husband would never have gone to the child pych or held difficult child back in school or attempted Adderal if I hadn't done it. He talks a lot but doesn't "do" anything. But most of you are in that boat, too, so I'll shut up.

husband suggested that a lot of difficult child's anger is that he's picking up on my anger, and I should do more fun things with-difficult child. The dr. disagreed, and said that he's got the personality and such deep issues that I could do nice, fun things 23 hrs a day, and be the disciplinarian (or, to difficult child, The Mean Mom) for one hr, and it wouldn't change anything.

I was very, very glad to hear that, and especially that he said it in front of husband!!!

Not to say I don't always do nice things (beyond cooking dinner, chauffering, washing)... I went to his baseball game this weekend (I actually watched the whole thing and understood most of it! Often, I read a book, we play board games, when I pick him up from school I give him his favorite Reese's Peanut butter cups, I rub his shoulders and cuddle at night with-him... you get the idea.

In reg. to difficult child's other issues--peeing into the travel sized hairspray bottle, putting PCs Victoria's Secret underwear inside of his boxer shorts and wearing them, hoarding wheat products and candy in his room, stealing my cell ph numerous times to use the video games, and lying about it, (we've had $200 in extra charges in the past 2 mo's. and I just told him that, so I'm hoping THAT has an impact, since he's going to find a way to pay)--some of these issues YOU ALL helped resolve, YAYYY! Thank you! :laugh:
So I actually had solutions and ideas this a.m. b4 I went into the dr's ofc.

Dr. R said the hoarding can be a sign of emotional insecurity or instability (although all kids will steal candy at times, this is getting excessive) and he's not sure where it's coming from. We just didn't have time today to get into it.

The boxer shorts issue he agreed is probably a sensory integration issue, so I went out and bought tighter underwear/briefs, and put them in difficult child's rm today, still in the pkg, where his school clothes are laid out, so it's like a present. I'm not going to say a word about it and just hope that issue goes away.

Don't know if I told you all that he didn't wipe properly until last yr, when he was 9.

difficult child is doing very well in school. Dr. R said he sees other kids from that school in his practice (of course, he can't tell us their names) and they love difficult child and think he's the coolest dude. Two kids are going there for anger and aggression issues, and one because he's shy and gets picked on. How do I know? Because kids can't keep secrets, LOL! :shocked: Their moms would die if they knew the kids were telling everyone. :shocked:
Which means they all know about us, too ... :wink:

(This is all done while difficult child is in another room, and then the dr sent us out and took difficult child in alone. Sometimes we're together and sometimes sep., depending upon the issues and whether he needs difficult child to really open up.)

Also, Dr. R said he used to read this bb, and praised the mother who started it and said it's fantastic.

Just thought I'd give you all a pat on the back. Ta da!!! :smile:

 

[Star*]

T2,

Apologies for all the whirlwinds surrounding you and your family right now, but I got as far on your post as to see that a child stuck a fist in your face.

I've been there, and I called the police. I was abused and tortured in my marriage and I can tell you that NO ONE, mentally ill, sick, child or beast will EVER disrespect and endanger my life again. A fist in the face unpunished means the next time (and there will be a next time because he's testing limits and won) he will maybe NOT stop at making a fist and hit you. It's predictable if you've been there before.

For people who have not, you think differently, but sadly I feel I have the insight to tell you what will happen. When I called the police, difficult child ran away. I sent them to ALL of his so-called friends houses and they finally found him, brought him back and told him if I called again for making a physical threat even doing a finger like a gun gang sign.....they would PERSONALLY make sure his ride to Juvenille hall was less than fun.

I was so sick when I picked up the phone and called 911. My baby, after what we went through together, all the abuse how could he? I was out of my body in thought even while the police were at my house. I found myself making excuses for him - he's got CD, he's been abused, he's not right...and when I talked about it in therapy I wept, then sobbed. My son it seemed was becoming my x. Nothing could or would kill me quicker. It was like all the work I had done to that point went out the window with one ugly gesture.

When I told the therapist what I had done, he told me I did EXACTLY the right thing. Through tears I heard "You did the right thing, by doing that you sent a message that he does NOT get to abuse you." Verbal is ENOUGH, but to raise a fist to your mother? AND DF was there in a second when it happened and the things that came out of him in my defense were just scary. The point however was that it was made clear this would never happen again. And it never has.

Had I not done anything and poo poohed it under the carpet difficult child would have taken TOTAL control of my home and over me that day.
Are there different circumstances between you and I? Sure, but ask yourself what would happen if someone else's child did that to you? Would you tolerate that behavior? And then ask yourself maybe...how BAD is BAD. Where do we draw the line. Once it's crossed what are we going to do.

My son eventually said he was sorry, and I never said apology accepted. I told him I was disappointed - very disappointed that he felt a fist in my face would solve anything other than him going to jail.

YOU HAVE A RIGHT TO BE SAFE IN YOUR OWN HOME. THAT MEANS SAFE FROM OUTSIDE AND INSIDE. There are no excuses you can give to justify putting a fist in your Mothers face.

Have a plan because now that he has used that power without consequence it will grow. FYI, My son was told by our therapist that he was very lucky due to the abuse I did suffer that I didn't go into a trance state and hurt him badly forgetting he was my son. Sad but true.

I hope you don't take this post the wrong way. I'm just telling you what I experienced and I was told if it happens once, it will happen again unless consequences are severe.

Hugs
Star

 

[Star*]

Oh and about the cell phone? Call your provider and tell them you want a parental block put on your phone and get a password. I've done that with mine and went from the $200 bill to $34.00 again. It's a free service.

-And FYI they make silk boxers. Get him some of those. And tell him boxers and briefs are for men, underpants are for girls.

 

[TerryJ2]

Yeah, I bought regular boxers today. Couldn't find silk. He's very small. I'll keep looking.
So sorry about what you had to go through.
My son is 10 and we thought we had this nipped in the bud, but it all blew up again this Thurs., Sun., and tonight.
He was sent to bed with-no food, obviously. He did apologize. I told him I forgave him. He has repeatedly told husband that he hates to apologize to me because I never forgive him, and it juat makes him angry, and like he wants to give up. So I make it a point to tell him I accept his apology. Then he wants to turn it around, twist it, and say, "Can I have dinner? I promise I'll eat whatever you put there and I won't complain."
So, my perception is that he apologized to get dinner rather than to show sincerity and humility. (No, he did not get dinner.)

We had a very, very rough night tonight.
I printed out more boarding school info online. Most of them are too far away or you have to be a HS student. I don't know if I can wait that long. husband things I'm too wobbly right now, and I should spend a weekend at the beach. It's a thought!

easy child and I are going back to the dr. Thurs, afternoon, just the two of us, to discuss her issues and feelings about difficult child moving out. She, too is in crisis mode and will move in with-a friend if difficult child doesn't go straight to some placement or boarding school.

I am so tired.

 

[Big Bad Kitty]

I've been following your story, Terry. I wish I had something wise to say. Alas, I find myself here speechless.

Enjoy it, that does not happen often.

I did want to offer my support and hugs. I feel for you and your whole family.

 

[timer lady]

Terry,

Forgive me if I'm repeating myself - I've not had the chance to follow each of your threads the last couple of months.

Having said that, you can't wait for a boarding school placement to open before difficult child gets his aggressive behaviors toward you addressed. Each time he even threatens you, he's using his body as a weapon & the consequences aren't making an impact on him.

wm, was very much the same way. husband finally drew a line in the sand & informed wm (10 at the time) if he stepped over that line he would end up at Residential Treatment Center (RTC), hospital or living somewhere else. Weapons (including fists) are not allowed here EVER.

wm, of course, had to test this. His little butt ended up in the hospital within the week & off to Residential Treatment Center (RTC), 6 weeks later. Now, as he thinks it's okay to be aggressive & abusive physically & emotionally, toward kt & myself, he's still living in a group home.

Are these schools going to tolerate some of the issues that difficult child is displaying at home? I wonder if you need a more intensive therapeutic setting to start. I also wonder if there isn't more than the ADHD going on given difficult children behaviors.

Again, take this for what it is - I've just been down this path one to many times. I'd hate for you to waste money on a facility that isn't a good fit for difficult children issues.

 

[TerryJ2]

Thanks Linda, and all.
The problem is, difficult child doesn't do these behaviors outside of our house.So no matter which placement he gets, it's got to be his behavior toward me that changes.

In the past yr, he has never actually struck me. He used to --we'd get into physical struggles. Everyone and their mother told me not to engage him. It worked. He comes right up to my face but never actually strikes me.
That tells me he's capable of holding back on all of it, since he's restraining himself to even get that far.

A friend who has an autistic son uses a nanny to help get ready for school, etc. That's an interesting idea ... a human buffer between us ... the cost would be less than boarding school and we could all stay home. That's a 5th option.

I wish our child psychiatric would just come out and TELL US WHAT TO DO. He says he'll back us if we want to place difficult child in an ADHD school or whatever we decide, which implies he agrees. But I really want something stronger than that from him.

Rest assured, something big will change within the next few wks. I am forcing the issue. A lot of this is procrastination by husband. He would never have agreed to put difficult child on medications unless I threatened to leave. Now it's at that point again, but easy child is threatening to leave. This guy just won't respond unless there's a crisis. And quite frankly, that's probably 80% of the problem.
It's possible that husband will move out with-difficult child into an apt., just to save my sanity, until we can find an appropriate placement.

 

[hearts and roses]

{{{Terry}}} You have so much going on, between H, easy child and difficult child...I think you should take up the weekend at the beach offer and just chill! :smile:

Your meeting with DR sounds like it went well overall. You learned a few things, have some things confirmed for you and acquired a little clarity about others. Not bad. I hope that you're able to find placement of some kind for girlfriend and that H isn't too broken hearted and that easy child does not carry any guilt over it.

Many gentle hugs to you~ :flower:

 

[timer lady]

Terry,

Bet your bottom dollar that if difficult child didn't have you as a "punching bag" he'd find someone else. wm, after he was placed in Residential Treatment Center (RTC), finally found a substitute. Of course, wm never honeymoons long - a few days maximum.

I'm not saying that difficult child will become aggressive toward someone right away but with his level of anger & whatever issues are driving this aggression he will find an outlet.

I would hazard to say that if husband moved to an apartment with difficult child he would start up with husband.

This isn't about you - it's about difficult child. It's his lack of impulse control over his emotions. You just happen to be handy & of course, you happen to be mom. Mom would never retaliate or hurt difficult child in any way.

Just wanted you to think about this - I've seen in time & again in wm. :scared:

:flower:

 

[TerryJ2]

Thank you. My husband says I have anger issues and I need counseling. Let's see, should I laugh or cry?
He's such a good judge of character ...