cleaned difficult child's drawers out and found

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by Jena, Jan 1, 2009.

  1. Jena

    Jena New Member

    a drawing, on it had a girl on one side that was titled "the people at my school Pretty" had little girl drawn on it with earrings, dress,etc.

    other side of paper "me ugly" you can guess what that little girl looked like. Also the picture of the little girl was quite heavy.

    So, difficult child draws alot, her pics are often of happy things, i felt wow even thru her darkest times she is still drawing like this. their a bit more toned down when she isn't happy.

    Obviously difficult child draws and hides stuff. this is I think a recent picture. So, I know this is due to her illness her self image the way it is, yet should I write the makers of seroquel a letter as well to thank them for the extra twelve pounds on difficult child that is adding to her wonderful self image?? better yet send them a copy of the picture?

    I get alot of drugs come with side effects, yet i have to go again this weekend and get more clothes. its' aggrivating and i feel terrible that she still sees herself this way. it's very saddening.
     
  2. Big Bad Kitty

    Big Bad Kitty lolcat

    SO much of this is society. Who says 12 extra # on a girl makes you ugly? Why, Barbie and the Bratz and Paris Hilton. Little girls are inundated with images of what they SHOULD look like. Tink, who is petite and very pretty, thinks that she is not pretty unless she is wearing a ton of makeup and fancy clothes. It's just not fair.

    Hugs to your difficult child, being an adolescent stinks.
     
  3. Wiped Out

    Wiped Out Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I agree with BBK. I hate the images the media sends out on what is beautiful especially for girls! I'm sorry your daughter is dealing with this. Gentle hugs to her (and you to).
     
  4. Andy

    Andy Active Member

    Very sad that the young girls are even thinking about this! I was watching a group of kids last month when two fourth graders came to me asking to go to the bathroom because they wanted to see what their hair looked like - it may have gotten messed up as they played!

    We try hard to teach our children not to judge others, but they still judge themselves.
     
  5. Jena

    Jena New Member

    I completely agree with the fact that it is largely due to our society, the "way" one should look etc.

    Yet, lets' face it, it was that way when I was a kid and that was long ago. It is what it is. With that being said she is uncomfortable at the weight she is currently at, her stomach is growing by the minute as well.

    She went from average weight to boom suddenly due to seroquel.
     
  6. My son has been on two drugs that put weight on him. He hated it. One time he was 5 years old, one time he was 7. I can't say it's all "society" and advertising that does it. The sudden weight gain messes with childrens' heads, even in the absence of societal pressure. No one would ever have called my son "fat" even with the extra pounds he put on (there were much fatter children in his class), but he knew how his body usually looked and this was just ugly to him. In neither case was there a clear and absolute benefit to the drugs, so we pulled him off them. If his behavior had drastically (heck, even moderately) improved, it might have been a different story, though. No one knows what the side effects are going to be for any particular child. One child may put on a lot of weight; others put on none. You don't know until you try. Manufacturers would love it if drugs had no side effect, but biology isn't like that. You have my sympathy on this -- every time my son made reference to being fat or grabbed his belly fat, it hurt. Good luck!
     
  7. Jena

    Jena New Member

    aw thanks. yes it is rough, i'm sorry yours had to go thru it also. my difficult child tends to be able to go depressive quite easily so one change in her features, look throws it all off. She's also very very tall, her little feet are now a size 7 1/2 can you imagine and she'll be ten next mos.

    so, wow what to do? i don't know. calling doctor this week again to discuss options. I was waiting for it to slow down yet it hasn't we just keep on growing. that picture though broke my heart to see how she hurts inside over herself. by the way, without the increase in weight she tends to view herself this way on and off. so add the weight increase and boom. just seeing that little picture what must of been going thru that little mind at the time.

    i just keep on plugging your beautiful, pointing out her talents, etc.
     
  8. Kjs

    Kjs Guest

    Does not only affect girls. difficult child has always thought he was fat. Even when he weighed 90 pounds a year ago. Now he is at 137 and totally upset. If anyone says anything about weight it sets him off. Hoping soon he will shoot up and not look or feel so bad.

    It is so hard to keep these kids self esteem up, when they deal with so many issues day in and day out. You feel so bad because they deal with so much more than easy child's.
    I know I sometimes forget this because I am just so fed up with him that I just lose it myself. But when I am not home and away from him I feel so bad for him.

    Atleast she is drawing and getting her feelings down. My difficult child won't draw(hates it). Won't write, type or talk when he is feeling bad. Hope she feels better about herself.
     
  9. Jena

    Jena New Member

    kjs - i'm sorry to hear you go through this as well. I hate to hear he isn't getting it out somehow, it's harder for boys maybe to express themselves?? I like the fact "she" is getting it out somehow yet how does one deal with it when it's out?? Therapy i guess, in therapy.

    It is hard to keep their spirits high, trying to convince them their ok, their strong, capable, etc. I try the best I can to work on her existing talents, she's too smart so if I try to pull upon the whole oh your beautiful, blah blah she's like ma your saying that cause your my mom. lol

    It is society to an extent, by the way I love the new commercials for Hanes with the full figured woman i think tha'Tourette's Syndrome great. I'm tired of society pushing thin, thin, after a while it gets sickening. At the end of the day as long as you are happy with who you are it doesn't matter what you weigh. Yet for most of us our difficult child's aren't happy with the continued weight increase due to medications. it's like their struggling with the illness than ontop of it they have to handle the after effect and emotions that the side effects bring.

    it's like a little merry go round. i too lose it sometimes, and i feel badly. I guess we too are just human and cannot expect perfection from ourselves, our job's as parents, caregivers, therapists, nurses, parent advocates, shesh we are so many things wrapped up into one!!!!
     
  10. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    Aw, poor thing. It makes me want to hug her.
     
  11. Nancy423

    Nancy423 do I have to be the mom?

    I have the sme type of situation with- difficult child and her hair. when she lost all of it she's had a few depressive moments when she askes "why am I so ugly". And her mentality is around the 3rd grade. I've never seen nor heard her take much stock in socity and it's presentation of girls, but she sure notices when she's different than others around her. My thoughts are that it's not necessarily society, but us as individuals who are always trying to conform and when we perceive that something makes us different than the rest, we start to panic.....
     
  12. Jena

    Jena New Member

    Nancy i see your point, it is us as well trying to conform to the norm whatever that is. It is a combination of so many things I believe. Yet for my difficult child i think it may have been retriggered by the weight increase yet it's always there just laying quietly under the surface able to be brought up at anytime.

    I remember your post about your difficult child. Have you had any luck with wigs or anything else to help her with it??
     
  13. hearts and roses

    hearts and roses Mind Reader

    Jennifer, that just svcks.

    I had a very odd thing going on during adolescence (and still) that I knew nothing about, how it happened, why it happened or that it happened to anyone other than me. It started when I was 15 and I didn't even know it had a name until I was 24 and found out by accident. I felt like everywhere I went I stood out like a sore thumb and that everyone I met was mocking me or thought I was ugly with a capital U. I always felt like the odd person out, in some circles, like a complete loser and ugly as all get out. I still wonder how I ever landed a boyfriend past the age of 15, let alone 2 husbands.

    Come to find out...I am not fat and I am not ugly. But I do have a condition that I think about on a daily basis and still makes me wonder if I truly fit in with others. But it doesn't define who I am - and that is key.

    I am not taking away from what your daughter is feeling by any means. At all - because her feelings are legitimate and real and affecting her and those who love her (you). What happens next is what's most important. My parents were truly at a loss as to what they should do and as a result, they were retards, I swear. They shamed and humiliated me in the hopes that I would 'snap out of it'. Nope, didn't work.

    As your daughter's parent, what you can try to do is help her find ways in which she can feel better about herself and help her create opportunities where she will garner praise and admiration. Not false ones either. I made that mistake with my own difficult child when we were initially trying to help her with her self esteem. Whatever it is that she can feel good about must be genuine and not forced.

    Ultimately, your daughter has to find a way to accept herself and it may not happen today or tomorrow or next month. You can help, but she needs to find her own way. Adolescence truly does svck. Ugh, I hated it.

    Plus, you're working against the tide here because she's at a wierd age where she may reject any ideas you have. And our poor kiddos have images thrown at them from the media telling them what they should look like or how they should be behave in order to be accepted and cool. It's sickening.

    Sending hugs - I'm so sorry that she's having those feelings.
     
  14. Jena

    Jena New Member

    you guys are great taking the time to share your stuff with me. Jo i'm sorry you went thru that. That's gotta be rough and so difficult to want to be accepted and yet not feel comfortable in your own skin. I'm glad in time you were able to see it and look for ways to make you better.

    difficult children depression doesnt' help any of it though, as i'm sure you know. I have done several thing to try to facilitate those feelings you spoke of. We've done that play thing which i know bad call on my part too much too soon yet we're still getting thru it and we're 4 weeks till show day. I also got her into the violin that she's really good at, doesn't practice at home yet she loves to do it at school i've heard, she also draws amazing stuff and so i continously supply her with art papers, special boxes of colored pencils, etc. markers, you name it so she can keep doing that. I've had her start a happiness journal. Only for happy thoughts. She also has a diary for all her stuff. i'm not sure what else i'm missing. I also make a point to say everyone is different and accepting ourselves for the wonderful ppl we are is the most important thing.

    i don't know if i'm missing anything. i don't put her down or anything at all. i wont' lie i do blow up on occassion with her (yell slightly) when she's pushing me hard either physically or mentally attacking. Yet she hasnt' done alot of that this past week i'm happy to say.
     
  15. hearts and roses

    hearts and roses Mind Reader

    Jennifer, with my difficult child we were constantly pushing her to try new things, got her active in various extra curricular activies both in school and out, supported her interests and like you supplied her with lots of paper, pencils, markers, etc., so she could pursue her drawing, which she is very good at. She was good at many things, also very musical. We praised her, all that stuff. It just wasn't enough. I don't know why, but it wasn't. She still had this image of herself and who she was, how she looked, what she stood for, etc., in her head and we just couldn't find the magic wand to shake it.

    Sometimes she will acknowledge her strengths and even draw on them...other times she is down on herself. And now that she's an adult, it's even more difficult because she seems to want to perpetuate what she believes to be every one else's view of her, Know what I mean?? Even though others have complimented her on her beauty or her drawing, choice of music, voice, etc., she chooses to believe they are somehow putting her one or something. I don't know.

    With my thing from my teen years....I apparently figured out a way to cope and although there are aspects of my HS and JrHS years I'd wish to forget forever, I still have some fun memories. And I did have friends..it was the later years in HS that were most difficult, but they helped me become who I am and in a way I think prepared me for a difficult child. There are a gazillion things out there that could make our lives worse, so we have to find at least one or two things to be thankful for. I really think that is an important coping tool.
     
  16. ML

    ML Guest

    This is an interesting thread. Manster is struggling with this issue too. He wants to wear a rash guard when he starts swimming because he is self concscious of his "man boobs". They are at an age where they want to fit in so badly that they pick on anyone they perceive as "different". These tween years are about survival and trying to blend in with surroundings. It isnt till later that uniqueness and personality "popular" and ok to shine through. Hugs to difficult child xoxo ML
     
  17. Nancy423

    Nancy423 do I have to be the mom?

    I seriously think these tween years are the worst when it comes to peer pressure and scrutiny!! This age has some sort of radar when it comes across anything unusual, no matter how big or small! And I do think self image issues goes with- the teen territory no matter how the brain is wired. How would we handle this in any other teen?

    Hey, is your difficult child interesting in any sports, swimming or anything like that? It may not make much difference in the weight so to speak (I hear when it's medication related, it's so hard to lose weight) but getting her active certainly would not hurt!

    No, no wigs. She's bald and beautiful! We bought some more soft winter hats and a sweatshirt with- a very soft lining in the hood. She's had an incident at school where some 8th graders gave her some trouble because she's wearing hats and hoods. (we have permission) and heard they shoved her as she was walking down the hallway going to the nurse. I'm not exactly sure what all happened but the principal gave her permission to use the elevator so she woudln't have to walk down the hallway during passing period.
     
  18. Jena

    Jena New Member

    Nancy that's great! wow, she is going to be such a strong and beautiful woman someday. Your attitude i am quite sure is rubbing off on her on multiple levels. I can hear it in your words the attitude you display over it. That's a huge factor to alot of our kids, how we handle their stuff. How they see us handle thier stuff i think. They learn alot from that i'm slowly learning. So, yea her and that's good that they made the provision of the elevator for her.

    difficult child and sports, well we aren't there yet. She has a hard time joining anything with groups of ppl she doesn't know. It hasn't worked as of yet. Yet I try to do stuff with her to increase her moving about and exercise. we used to do yoga yet that bored her. I have to find some ways of increasing her activity level. She used to ride her bike alot, yet she can't do that right now the anixety is too great. I've tried and she cries and begs in the middle of the street. It's going to take time with that one. I thought of the swimming thing If i go ahead and make thsi job thing work that maybe i'll get a memebership to the local pool where her and i can go do family swim time.
     
  19. bran155

    bran155 Guest

    Jennifer, I am sorry I am so late on this, I haven't really been on the computer in the last couple of days. I know how you feel. I think I have told you this before, my daughter gained 40 pounds in 3 months due to her medications. It is very sad. It is heartbreaking to know that your child feels so badly about him/herself. We feel their pain 10 fold. I wish I had some advice. I just wanted to send you and your beautiful daughter some {{{HUGS}}}.

    I hope it gets better for you and her. Hang in there. :)
     
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