Cleaned out her room.....

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by PatriotsGirl, Jul 9, 2011.

  1. PatriotsGirl

    PatriotsGirl Guest

    Well, it is done. I took the day off yesterday to finally pack up and clean out difficult child's room. It was time. She won't live here again. I would rather pay her rent somewhere than for her to live here. But, anyway, found a few little baggies looking a little cloudy, perhaps powdery. Made me so sad. But also a reminder of why I was doing what I was doing.

    It is now a beautiful, cheery guest bedroom. My sister and her soon to be fiancee will be coming for a week next month so I knew I had to get it done. I am actually really proud of the work I did on it yesterday. But, at the same time, SO sad. Here I have this beautiful bedroom empty and difficult child is couch surfing. Yes, I know, her choice, but still makes me feel twinges of guilt. She loved that bed so much.

    She has been pretty silent lately. I keep trying to check in with her and she is non-responsive. I know she is alive because I checked her phone records. I hate days like this. husband is going out of town for the next two weeks so I have to be strong by myself. I have to resist wanting to go rescue her again. :(

    On a positive note, when husband gets back we are leaving for a mini vacation to Gatlinburg alone - leaving on Thursday and coming back Sunday. My son is going on vacation to Florida with his best friend for a week so we are taking advantage. In 15 years we have never gone away alone together and neither of us have been to Gatlinburg. That is one thing I am really looking forward to! :)
     
  2. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Im proud of you for cleaning out that room! It does feel weird doesnt it?

    I remember when we cleaned out Jamie's room when he left at 18. It didnt stay cleaned out for long though because we had others move in soon after but I remember feeling like it was the end of a chapter and it was, he has never returned home in 9 years. I know he never will either. When Cory moved out the first time, we just switched one kid from one room to the other and it wasnt really like cleaning out a room. It never really got clean...then Cory moved back in and it was full again! Plus my 4th bedroom got filled up too. That 4th bedroom is still filled up and I have to get that cleaned out next. We got Cory's old room cleaned out when he moved out this last time and turned it into Keyana's room/guest room. We put all the kids toys in it and figure guests can just put up with toys...lol. She will be returning from time to time.
     
  3. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    I had that weird feeling cleaning up Nichole's old room. Although she'd done 99.9 percent of the cleaning it before she left, so I didn't have much to do. When easy child left, Nichole was still using the room so not much changed in it. When Travis went off to college husband and I cleaned up his room but we knew he was coming back.

    Nichole's old room is once again my living room. lol
     
  4. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    It will take awhile to get used to it. Somehow ghosts of the past linger for quite awhile. Hope you have a fabulous vacation. DDD
     
  5. Star*

    Star* call 911........call 911

    It's kind of a bittersweet thing isn't it? On one hand you have a new place to enjoy and make new memories in -and I say do that -----as much as you can.

    ON the other hand? When you need to stand in the doorway and see her there, hear her, remember her, close your eyes, and have a moment - allow yourself that courtesy, smile, cry, sit, laugh - whatver you need - but keep moving.

    You will get through it. I stood in the doorway the day I painted and recarpeted and just had those hot tears........and I just saw the boys there. One? I can' never ever have back. The other? I won't have back there, but if I could? I doubt I would. I know I wouldn't. So now? It's just time for a new era - and new good memories - like D3 said - ghosts linger. When they do? Let them be the ones of laughter ----their the best.

    And have a good time - Bring me back something pretty!
     
  6. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    Good for you, PG! It took us quite some time to clean out M's room. Then L surfed here for a while. Then we had a variety of exchange students ending with an exchange student who might as well have been M she was such a difficult child. No more of that.

    M has been couch surfing since 2003. Gawd it's hard to say that. But it's true. We no longer have a second bedroom. L will always find a way to eke out her own place, or live with someone. If M ever gets on his feet long enough to have a real job and a real apartment we'll consider making a guest room again. For now, it's the dog's room, and that is how it will stay.
     
  7. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    That's a difficult thing to do but I'm so glad you did it. When I finally cleaned out my difficult child's room I felt the same as you, sad that she was no longer in the room she loved so much and she most likely would never be in again. It gets easier for me as time goes by, but I often go in there just to look around, sit on her bed, look at some of her things still on the dresser and walls. What makes them give that all up?

    When she first left I dreaded my husband going out of town. It never bothered me to be alone when he traveled, but now I hated it. I wanted to rescue her too. I was just so much more worried when I was alone. I'm thrilled that you are going away with husband when he gets home. Guess what? husband and I are going on our first vacation in seven years in two weeks. We are taking easy child and her boyfriend. At first it bothered me a lot going where we use to go as a family, and not taking her. She loved going on vacation every year until she was 13 and ran off with some boys and we thought we were never going to find her. Then I told myself we deserved this time away, that we were no longer going to put our lives on hold.

    I'm sorry your difficult child is still out there. Some day she may finally decide she wants a better life. If my difficult child could pull herself out of that hole I believe anyone can. I'll keep praying for her and all the other difficult child's who are out there in hopes they take that first step in getting help.

    Enjoy your vacation and your visit with your sister.

    Nancy
     
  8. PatriotsGirl

    PatriotsGirl Guest

    I did text her yesterday asking if she would like to go to dinner on Tuesday night. She replied, "yes, I would love to!". So I told my easy child and he was excited. husband was bummed he is going to be away. Well, I had to go downtown for meetings today and I get a text from her asking if she can stay the night and go to the doctor and dinner tomorrow. I had to respond, sorry, can't do that but I will pick you up in the morning. Then she starts blowing up my phone and I had to call her back after a meeting. She tells me on the phone that she wanted to spend the night because it was the only way she would be sure she would get up and not sleep all day. I then tell her that she is an adult and part of being an adult is waking up - on time if you have an appointment! She then tells me I shouldn't have bothered calling because I was just making her mad.

    Ugh. Give an inch and they take a mile!!!!!! I told her that her butt should be up every morning walking to look for a job!!!!! Unbelievable. I felt sooo guilty saying no until she told me the reason. I almost cried when I had to say no. Felt like such a monster. :(
     
  9. Star*

    Star* call 911........call 911

    PatsGirl -

    THIS? This blowing up....inch for a mile? MOnster vs. Nice kid......THIS is part of the test you know. Okay you don't know.....but this is SO close () SO close to a good place it's like throw a rock on the other side of the wall close. DO.NOT.GIVE.IN. HOLD your ground. Just shrug and say...."Well I would really have liked to have had lunch with you, but WOW you were in such a bad mood - I guess next time - Gotta go."

    AND GO

    AND ENJOY YOUR LIFE -

    AND LET THIS FESTER IN HER LAP - NOT YOURS.......

    Remember back in the late 70's or early 80s a commercial about Cat chow and the cat did a dance and the commercial sang chow, chow, chow and they ran the tape back and forth and back and forth....? THAT is what this is....she's testing....pushing, attempting to find weaknesses in YOUR meadle. DOES NOT EVEN KNOW IT. It's the OLD her fighting with the NEW her.

    LET THEM HASH IT OUT and do the CHOW, CHOW, CHOW.......and you? STAY OUT OF IT. Just enjoy your life. THIS IS one of the best things that you can do for YOUR DAUGHTER RIGHT NOW. If you cry, if you apologise, if you give in, if you walk around sad, defeated, and say I SHOULD HAVE (Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh) then the monster sees it, and says (hehehehe) we got her.

    Just go on.....winning! You and her are so close. It could take a year - but a year is WAY better than however old she is and however long it HAS been up to this point right? RIGHT......

    HANG IN THERE I'm praying for her :twister2:conflict resolution like gangbusters. :hangin:
     
  10. PatriotsGirl

    PatriotsGirl Guest

    Picked up difficult child today - she looks great. For those on Facebook, I posted a picture. I took her to the doctor!!! YAY!!! She got two prescriptions, but really, it wasn't bad at all. Thank heavens. I took her to get something to eat and we went and picked up a couple of things. I bought her some underwear, a couple of bras and a dress. I took her back here and she used the shower and saw her old bedroom and oohed and ahhed over that. She laid down on her bed and said, what if I went to rehab? I told her from rehab, you would move on to sober living until you were ready to be on your own. She asked as if she knew the answer but was throwing it out there anyway. But man alive, that was THE hardest thing to do!!!!! To tell your child they cannot even spend the night is horrific. But, I love her SO SO much that I have to stand firm.
    I explained to her again, that sober living can do all the things that I can't. They can help her find a job, help her get her license, on her feet, etc. I told her I would pay for it for the first three months. I am praying she is at least thinking about it, but I know she probably isn't. :(
    We did have a great visit. She has grown up some for sure. She is a lot more mature, respectful and thankful. She says thank you a LOT. We talked on the way to where she is staying and I asked her to please consider sober living. I asked her straight out when she last used and she was honest and told me a week ago. I shouldn't have asked. I never would have thought she had done it recently by her looks. I held it together and tried so hard to hold back the tears until she got out of the car. I couldn't. She begged me not to cry. She told me she cries every day for her doggie. I told her to take how she feels about her dog, multiply it by a million and that is how I feel about her. Ugh. Crying again.
    On another note, husband has been saying he does not want to mow the lawn or weed anymore. She told me that she has been doing that and cleaning houses as side jobs so husband said he will gladly pay her to do ours every week. She is thrilled. So we will be getting some much needed help and at least I know she will have food money each week. I told her one day each week I will come pick her up and she can come work, eat dinner with us, shower and then I will bring her home.
    But my goodness how HARD it is to not rescue them!!! My husband tells me I am doing the right thing. I think she knows it too. She said I was a great mom. More tears now. I don't feel like such a great mom right now, though. :(
     
  11. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Pg I feel as if I'm reliving what we went throughjust reading your post. You bet it's the most heartbreaking thing to do to not let them come home. It made me sick to my stomach to have to tell difficult child that she could not come back home. When my difficult child first saw her room after being gone many months I wanted to cry. I could see in her face how sad she was and she just laid on her bed and said how much she missed it.

    You are doing all right thing. You have planted the seed of rehab and sober living. When she gets sick and tired of living the way she is, she knows there is an alternative. Sober living has helped my difficult child beyond my wildest expectations. We now can have a mutually respectful relationship and she knows what we will accept and what we won't

    I think about you often, please keep updating.

    Nancy
     
  12. PatriotsGirl

    PatriotsGirl Guest

    Thank you Nancy. I think about you too - your posts give me so much hope!!!

    Star - you are so, so right. I got a glimpse of the positive changes in difficult child. Something is heading in the right direction so I must be doing something right. I need to stay firm and strong to keep it going. If I collapse now we just go back to where we were and no one wants to go back there. Everyone in our circle has always had faith that difficult child will get through this and be just fine. I never believed that before, but I think I am starting to believe it just may be possible. Being out on her own has certainly made her more humble. More grateful. Polite. For that alone, I feel thankful. :)

    When we went to dinner last night - they wanted to go to Chili's. When we got there difficult child grabs the door and stands there with it open while some older people were walking out and my son goes and grabs the other door and they stood holding it open for every one that came through. It is such a small thing, but I cannot even begin to describe the sheer joy I felt at that moment. <3

    Now, the important thing for me right now is to offer help in positive ways without enabling. When she is being so great, it would be far too easy to just cave and give in and then we end up right back where we were. She is coming over tomorrow to work, eat dinner with us, shower and then I am taking her back. That means I have to go through another drop off. HARD. SO HARD.
     
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