Cleaning out the garage...

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by witzend, Aug 8, 2007.

  1. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    It's been a long hard slog, but I am finally getting husband to clean the garage out. We have been doing home improvement projects for the past several years, and that has been his excuse to never put anything away. He's also a hoarder, so there are boxes and boxes of paperback books from childhood, grandmas garbage, etc. Rooms have been remodeled, furniture changed, and so forth.

    M will be 21 on Friday, and we haven't heard from him in two years. It's nearly four years since he moved out. Over three since he essentially cut us out of his life completely to leech off of friends instead of trying to work things out with us.

    There is so much stuff that we have either given to the Goodwill or sold on Craigslist that he could have had. L has exchanged a couple of e-mails with him, although he is really not interested in a relationship with her, either. I know that he is working and has an apartment that he moved into a few months ago. There's no way that he could afford new furniture or household items. I'm sure we could have furnished an apartment for him over the last several months out of the stuff we have gotten rid of. It's something my parents did for me. I did it for L when she was in her first real place. There is still a lot of camping gear and other boxed up stuff that I want to get to that I know he could use and would want if it were offered to him.

    It makes me angry that he is cheating himself out of these things by being such a jerk. I'd really like it if he would make some sort of attempt to have even a cordial relationship with us. I would meet him halfway - but not an inch further!

    Sadly, given that L told me that when she found him (on her own) on MySpace and wrote to him, his friends started writing messages on his page every day that ended with "Your Mom's a Wh--e!" Sorry, but that's too much. No one deserves to be publicly humiliated like that. I never did anything even remotely like something that would deserve that.

    I hope it makes him happy, I guess. Otherwise it's a lot of hate and hurt for nothing and no one.

    Not to say that I dwell on it. But it makes cleaning out the garage sad. No advice on this sought or needed. I just needed to say it out loud to someone who would understand and not just grunt back at me. (Like husband.)
  2. judi

    judi Active Member

    I am so sorry for all the hurt your son has caused. We are in the same boat. Its funny - husband had the month of July off (he's a teacher) and cleaned our garage too. difficult child had stuff out there and we kinda just moved some of it around and threw some stuff out.

    It does hurt so much when they cut you out. Take care - do something nice for yourself today.
  3. gottaloveem

    gottaloveem Active Member

    Vent away.

    Sorry it has been so long since you talked to your son.

    I believe it has been that way since I joined the board in 2004.

    You are incredibly strong to deal with this for so long.
  4. Big Bad Kitty

    Big Bad Kitty lolcat

    No matter how much you detach, things like this hurt your mommy heart.

  5. WhymeMom?

    WhymeMom? No real answers to life..

    yep, it seems like everytime I think about giving my difficult child some old furniture he ends up in jail....most difficult child's do better traveling "lite" they would either end up leaving it or selling it for cash.......

    Sorry you have to deal with the pain, sending strength and peace to you....
  6. Sunlight

    Sunlight Active Member

    A friend told me these kids live their live out of boxes. they are around, you unbox, they go away, you box it up again.

    It has to hurt.

    I furnished ant 4 apartments now with stuff gathered up. My house is pretty bare. I go to the St Vincent de Paul box weekly it seems to give things up there. I like a spartan house.

    seems though ant never asks for anything I have here. he walks away from his things. I have a few boxes of mementos from his childhood thinking one day he might want them. other than that, a few clothes still hang in his closet. the rest is with him at his place.

    I am sorry your son cannot see the treasure he misses...not only in material goods but in the love of his mother. that cannot be replaced.
  7. standswithcourage

    standswithcourage New Member

    How did you get him to move out?! My son presently is in jail. His court date is the 14th. We said he could not come back home. I dont think he believes us. He is 24. He doesnt want to go to arecovery house or anything. I guess he will go to the street if theylet him go. Any support you can give me?
  8. Suz

    Suz (the future) MRS. GERE

    He probably wouldn't appreciate the stuff anyway, Witz. I can't tell you how many things Rob has walked/run from over the years....basically abandoned in order to go somewhere else or he was thrown out/evicted. It was pretty obvious that any sentimental attachment I had to my Dad's old black recliner was only my attachment- it certainly wasn't Rob's. You know what I mean. sheesh. He's done that over and over with the things his Dad and I have given him.

    It's like someone said........Rob likes to travel light (for a quick getaway???).

    I'm sorry you are hurting.

  9. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    Thanks, all. I knew you would understand. We had given away most of M's things over the past years. Of course the important childhood memory things are mine forever, as most mother's would save the baby and "first" things.

    SWC, his cutting us off was more a combination of circumstances than anything else. He was 17 years old and in a Transitional Living Center, on probation for having beat up his dad. It was May and he would have enough credits to graduate if he could just complete the quarter, but he hadn't done any schoolwork in a month or so and the TLC grounded him.

    So, he found an idiot mom of a friend and told her a big sob story. She let him move in with her without informing us or the legal system. It was an ugly scene when we found him, her screaming on her front lawn that I had a lot of nerve to come after him after all of the things I had done to him, and having abandoned him to a homeless youth camp. :grrr: I still see red when I think about it. So I don't. He lived with her and her son rent free for almost two years, and anything we gave him he returned to the store for money without letting anyone know we had remembered his birthday or Christmas.

    He's gotten so good at the sob story that he sticks with it. He uses people up and he moves on. Not many were as stupid as that first woman though. She still was screaming at me when he moved out about what a lousy uncaring mother I had been.

    I feel that he has made his position about having a relationship with us pretty clear. I won't disrespect that. Too bad for him, I guess.
  10. hearthope

    hearthope New Member

    Witz, just wanted to share.

    My difficult child did the same story telling, his only problem was his true colors would come out and the family that took the poor homeless boy in for free got to see the real side of him that we tried live with.

    My son has been gone since the end of April ~ never to return again.

    I washed his sheets and bed spread. I made his bed.

    I shut the door and have not gone back in his room.

    I do collect boxes from the shop with the intention of packing up his things to keep in the attic so one day he can have it all when he is ready.

    Can't really explain why I haven't gone back in there.

  11. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member


    I'm sad to say been there done that. With M, they figure out that he is taking advantage, and that he has lied about jobs, school, money, etc. But somehow, I never seem to get off the hook with these idiots.

    One day you will go into his room and begin the clearout. It just probably won't happen until you have an idea for something else you can do with the room. It was somewhat easier for us because we had company from time to time and they used the room. His teenage junk didn't belong. Over a four year period, we emptied the drawers, gave him his clothes, cleaned out the closet, turned it into an exercise room.

    It doesn't make it feel any better, but time does heal all wounds. If you don't pick at the scab, too much, that is...
  12. hearthope

    hearthope New Member

    Oh Witz, I live in a tiny southern town.

    I decided that the ones that judge me by my son's words and actions don't have a clue who I am.

    If they cared about any thing else other than gossip, they would call and ask me for the truth.

    They are not worth my time to worry over...

    ......I have a beautiful guest room in mind.....

    Maybe sometime soon I can go thru with it.

  13. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    Thanks, all. The exercise room was painted this week, and we have to finish up this weekend with the caulking and such. I will do some decorating, too. The treadmill is in there, as is the dog's crate for when we have to go out. At some point I will look for a small futon or sleeper sofa. But I'm not rushing it. But no more students, no more kids. Just hubby and me.