Conduct Disorder coming home soon.

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by Modiemas, Feb 20, 2010.

  1. Modiemas

    Modiemas Modie and Tiffany M.

    Our fifteen year old son is coming home from a ranch in Northwest Arkansas this Tuesday. After 7 months of absolutely no progress they have thrown in the towel.

    Chase was diagnosed 9 months ago after a 3 week stint in a hospital. We have had him in counseling for the past 4 years.

    I could give you a blow by blow of his actions for the past 6 years that I have been in their life but I do not feel a I need to.

    My wife(her son, my stepson) is at the end of her rope with him, but it is her son. Her last option we feel is to sign him over to the state of Louisiana where they will place him in some type of residential care until the age of 18.

    We are both participating members of Al Anon(me) and Alcoholics Anonymous(her) so we understand how to erect boundaries and not enabling.

    If anyone out there could shed some light on another path we can choose, or other options. It will be greatly appreciated.
     
    Lasted edited by : Feb 20, 2010
  2. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Hi there.

    Sounds like you have done all you can. It's time for him to fight for himself too because it's hard to fight for somebody who doesn't care...YET. There is ALWAYS hope that HE will turn his life around...trust me, been there and seen it with my daughter.

    If you can get him into some sort of safe place until he is 18, that would be great. One miracle that happened to us is that when our daughter was banished from the house and went out of state to live with her straight arrow brother...she never used drugs again. She needed to get away from her (ahem) friends, her reputation as a drug user, and to be able to start over. It wasn't easy for her, but she did it.

    Don't give up on him, and tell him you will be there for him if he decides to seriously stop the self-destruction, but you can't force him to quit his behavior, which is likely in large part due to substance abuse. And I think it's right not to enable him.

    I'm so sorry you had to come here. I hope you have good luck with whatever you decide to do.
     
  3. smallworld

    smallworld Moderator

    Modie, welcome to our forum! We're glad you found us, but sorry you needed to.

    We have a PM (personal message) system set up here if you prefer that people contact you privately instead of publicly on the board. We don't recommend that posters provide their personal email addresses since this board is read all over the world.
     
  4. LittleDudesMom

    LittleDudesMom Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Modiemas,

    we here understand about being at the end of your rope. As a matter of fact, we specialize in it!

    So he's been in couseling for four years, to no avail, and was just recently diagnosis'd with conduct disorder or recently diagnosis'd period?

    You know, I've no experience with wilderness programs, or rtcs, or ending parental rights or even phospitals. But I can tell you that every has their own personal line in the sand. Everyone has a point from which there is no return. Apparently you and your wife are there. If the ranch has thrown in the towel after 7 months, I can only imagine how your wife must feel after 15 years.

    Has your son ever been on medications? Are there other issues he has been diagnosis'd with? Is there some significant family history of mental illness on his biodad or mother's side? Has your wife spoken to her son since you all found out he was coming home? Does he have an opinion how where things will be going?

    There are many here who have reached the point where you all are. I'm sure they will be along shortly with some support and ideas. Understand, that as a first time poster, we know no background or history. It might be harder to get clear suggestsions since there is so little history.

    We welcome both you and the wife to our community.

    Sharon
     
  5. Modiemas

    Modiemas Modie and Tiffany M.

    Thanks for the replies, I will give you some history on Chase.

    Or at least some of the last six years that I have been in his life.

    Chase has three younger sisters, 13, 9, and 9 years old.

    From the first time I met Chase I could tell something was different. Highly intelligent, always reading, playing computer games, etc. The first thing I noticed was the empty look in his eyes. The only emotions Chase ever shows anger, frustration, etc. He has never shown love for anything other than himself. Constantly crossing everyone property line, and going crazy when someone would cross his.....Hardly ever a laugh or a smile.......


    I can remember two incidents happening about the time Tiff and I met. The public school he attended sent him home when he was 9 years old because the teacher had intercepted Chase's notebook and read where he had written that he planned to burn the school down. They sent him home, and the incident was overlooked due to his age at home and at school. A year later at the age of 10, a worker at the day care claimed he pulled his penis out and threatened her with it. Chase said he did not do it, Tiff took his side, and felt the workers just did not like him and were out to get him.


    Tiff has always protected Chase, he was never allowed to watch R rated, or action movies. But due to his reading ability, We always allowed him to read adult age Crime Books, etc. the kid could knock out a John Grisham or Michael Connerly novel in two afternoons. Of course we realized this was a mistake when he made his first visit to a mental hospital at the age of 14, and with his reading experience along with his imagination he opened up a lot about some of his desires.

    Chase has never kept real close friends. Once he would meet someone, he would bug them to death to come over or invite him over. We would discover where he would make 10-15 calls in a row to the same kid. Of course the other kids would soon avoid him at all costs.

    Chase has been medicated for ADD/Hyper Activity since the age of 5 years. Tiff said they have tried every drug for the , settling with Concerta.

    He is very very immature for his age, which has kept him out of trouble so far. He has mostly run around with kids younger than him, so drugs and alcohol have not come into play much. I'll get back to this shortly.....

    The older he has gotten the more secluded he has become. He would rather hang out in his room than go anywhere. Tiff sorta protected him when he would get into a squabble with me, or his sisters by sending him to his room. Which was something he liked. It's always been his safe haven.

    Having raised my own children earlier in life with my first wife. I tried applying rules, chores, etc with Tiff's kids the same like I did with my own. Chase never would finish his chores, would always have to be reminded what his chores were, etc....always a scene when he did them. He half-asses everything except computer games......he strives to be the best in them.....

    Tiff and I are both guilty of letting him disrespect us. We just got used to it, and it was easier to send him to his room.

    In my 50 years, I have never had a child holler at me about anything....until I met Chase. After a year or two I just learned to detach from him which is what I have done for the past 5 years.....it's the only way I could keep from breaking him in half. As far as whippings, in the six years I have been in the picture I have only done this twice with Tiff involved in it. I cannot remember the reasons, other than he was probably trying to physical shove his mother or hurt one of his sisters. After this Chase never really got in my way....Most of the problems Chase has with me is due to me being influential with his mother. He has a huge resentment because of it. Until I came along he got away from most things....understandably Tiff being a single mother of 4 raising a sociopath has not been easy......she is an awesome mother and individual.

    Everything starting falling into place when Chases counselor notified us that Chase had just told him he was planning to kill his 12 year old sister because he was sick of her ****. We we were driving to the pick Chase up from the meeting he also admitted to killing and torturing toads, mice, pigeons, etc. His counselor told us we needed to take Chase to a mental hospital immediately...and we did.

    While in the hospital Chase was put on lock down immediately for breaking rules, etc. He tried to convince everyone who he met and was counseled by that he was the next Charles Manson. Some lies some not.........he claimed at admittance that he has smoked dope and taken X the night before. They tested him and no drugs were found in his system....

    When they discharged him, we were advised to either psycho proof our house or we could turn Chase over to the state until the age of 18.

    We elected to psycho proof the house and brought him home. Tiff enrolled him in a small school(40 students). He was there two weeks, caught cheating and stealing twice. Right before they kicked him Tiff got him in the challenge ranch in Arkansas.

    While there(7 months) he has failed to get out of Phase 1(six weeks).

    So, we are right back where we started....

    Chase has kept us so upside down in our day to day family life....the household has been a breathe of fresh air since he has been gone. It took us these last 7 months to get the 13 year old sister on track with school...So we refuse to let him come back in and destroy what we work for every day...

    We plan to read him the riot act on the way home, in fact we will have it all in print. We will set our boundaries and hold them. We are going to not try to set up to him to fail. We have an appointment with the state hospital when he gets home to see what other avenues we can take.

    I hope I have explained enough...there are tons of more info......if you need more just let me know..........thanks Modie
     
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