Confused & Very Sad

Discussion in 'The Watercooler' started by joneshockey, Aug 11, 2010.

  1. joneshockey

    joneshockey Guest

    Well, as some of you know I posted a few days ago that I recently found out that I am pregnant. It was not a planned thing it just happened. FF1 was surpised, but seemed ok with it... until recently that is. 2 nights ago he stopped sleeping in bed with me. The first night I thought oh maybe he was too hot or was having trouble sleeping or something. Well when he didn't sleep with me Monday night I confronted him yesterday morning about it. When I asked him why he didnt sleep in our bed he replied "I cant sleep in the same bed with THAT KID". At first I was confused at what he was talking about... Not until I made some connection with other things that he had said to me the evening before... Things like "I was looking at adoption site on the internet" and "I wont be around once April comes around"(which is when the baby is due) At this point I began to sob uncontrolable... Here I have this poor little baby starting to grow inside me and his/her own FATHER is rejecting them! Has anyone else gone through something like this? Needless to say after work yesterday I picked the kids up from daycare and we stayed the night with my parents. I just couldnt go through another evening being around FF1 right now, especially when school starts tommorrow. (technically today now)... Plus ALL the hormones have made me very weepy everytime I think about the comments he made to me. The only thing that has been good is that it forced me to tell my parents about the baby and all my fears of my Mom's reaction turned out better than expected.
     
  2. SRL

    SRL Active Member

    I'm sooo sorry, joneshockey. Adjusting to an unexpected pregnancy, pregnancy hormones, and now this.

    If I were in your shoes, I'd be telling husband to grow up and get over it. He had sex, he made a baby, baby is both of your responsibilities--not just yours, now deal with it. Life happens. And if he isn't prepared to deal with it, he needs to see a therapist ASAP.
     
  3. Marguerite

    Marguerite Active Member

    You know how we have that other thread about passive aggressive behaviour and how we hate it? Well, this is a classic example. And you burst into tears, which fed right into it further. Sorry - I see my sis-i-law doing the same thing when faced with the PA in her family (her husband, her mother and her daughter).

    While it's natural to cry in such a situation, it needs a good, clean angry response. Anger is honest. And anger is thoroughly justified.

    So, boyo, NOW you want to keep it zipped? And YOU are checking out adoption sites? Well, FYI, it takes TWO people to make a baby and I don't recall you fighting me off with a stick. We made a baby, it happened, and now we deal with it. BOTH of us. In a sensible, mature way. If you have a problem, talk to e about it openly and honestly. None of this BS about peeking at adoption sites or saying you won't be here next April. Because wherever you are, you are going to be a father again and that brings responsibilities.

    And really, HE was looking at ADOPTION SITES? What an utter *&)*^)! Because if you were planning AT ALL to give tis baby up, you wouldn't need to go to an adoption agency. Yo could just hand it over to your sister. Or is he hoping to make a few bucks out of this?

    It takes two to make a baby. It takes two to make decisions, although the mother's will should take precedence. It's her body, after all. What the crud is he going on about? HE'S not going to be the one to get piles, varicose veins, Braxton-Hicks, morning sickness, hypertension ad mood swings. OK, he's already got the mood swings. But no excuses for him. It has been a shock for BOTH of you, you BOTH have to deal with this news.

    Mind you, he is likely to need time to deal with the news. This wasn't planned, and from the sound of things is not terribly welcome news either. But this baby is already a fact to be dealt with. Behaving like a petulant brat and refusing to sleep with you is idiotic, pointless and immature. If he really has gone off you because of the pregnancy and if he isn't going to stand up and take his responsibilities, show him the door.

    When I fell pregnant with difficult child 3, it was a shock. Neither of us was prepared for another baby. husband I don't think wanted another baby. But he put his arms around me and said, "We'll cope. We'll find a way."

    You both need to talk. But you need to find your own effective ways of shutting off PA behaviour from him. Do not let any PA behaviour ride without challenge. Confront it. Do not back off or avoid it. Remember the phrase, "If you've got something to say, say it to my face now. If you choose to not say it now to my face, you forfeit the right to say it in any other way." Absolutely fight tears, they only feed the PA behaviour all the more and allow him to mentally justify his behaviour. Even to revel in it ("good, I made her cry. So she feels something, at least. I was able to make her sorry").

    I'm glad things went better than expected with your mother.

    You hang in there. Whatever happens now, is going to happen. If he can't cope and walks out on you, then it's better to know now, than to waste more years of your life on a dead end. Or he might wake up to himself and choose to stick around and meet his responsibilities, even eventually welcome the baby. In which case, this becomes the making of him becoming more of a man. But from here, the ball is in his court. Whatever he now chooses to do, is HIS choice. Do not feel responsible for his choices or his behaviours. He's clearly trying to put all the blame on you, and not accept any personal responsibility. NOT ON, BOYO.

    Stand your ground. Calmly, rationally, with strength.

    Marg
     
  4. busywend

    busywend Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Obviously, you need to talk to him. You have no idea what he is thinking. For all you know maybe he thinks you had an affair and it is not even his baby. You just never know.

    He has a right to not be thrilled with a new baby if it was not in the plan. It may take time to adjust and accept. Do not take it personally just yet. He is working things out in his mind.

    Meantime stay strong and stand up for what you believe in.
     
  5. busywend

    busywend Well-Known Member Staff Member

    by the way - congratulations on being pregnant - I missed the other post.
     
  6. Fran

    Fran Former Site Owner

    I'm sorry for the hurt. I would be outraged if my husband looked at adoption sites without a conversation with me. Fortunately, this child is growing inside of you and it gives you the choice of how you want to deal with this baby. On the other hand, if birth control isn't used, pregnancy usually happens. Maybe he feels like he was duped.
    Do you think he isn't taking bipolar medications? Not that this is bipolar behavior but that the impulsiveness is making him speak before he thinks? Lots of people aren't happy about an unexpected pregnancy at first. They adjust and their thinking changes. The difference is most folks know to keep these hurtful emotions to themselves.

    Maybe the fact that he is working 2 jobs to make ends meet has him worried and overwhelmed. If he is a loving husband normally, give him a chance to work through this. Hopefully you will both have an adult conversation about the issues and how as a couple you will both deal with them. In the end, you can't make him want a pregnancy or another child but he has to take on challenges just as all of us adults must and make the best of it.
     
  7. Marguerite

    Marguerite Active Member

    I just wanted to add an example of PA (passive-aggressive) behaviour and how to NOT feed it.

    Years before husband & I (well, about 10 months) I was engaged to a bloke, J. I really loved him, we had a lot in common. He was a few years older and (seemingly) more mature. But for reasons that never made sense at the time, he broke up with me. Said we needed a little time apart. (I realised later he had been two-timing me through the relationship, he had only asked to marry me because he wanted sex - which he didn't get).
    Anyway, although he was the one who broke up with me, he still seemed to want to feel that he had me running after him and not looking elsewhere. So while he talked to our group of friends (including me) about his new-found freedom and the gorgeous Asian girl he was spending time with, I could feel his eyes watching me for a reaction. He also was watching me for any signs of interest in other guys and I think he was happy that I had not moved on.
    The one day we were all in the same lecture at uni, and instead of sitting with all of us (the gang) J was sitting a few rows away in front of us with a beautiful Asian girl. Their heads were close together and I could feel my heart skewered. Of course he was free to see other girls although I wished he would get tis out of his system and come back to me; another girl in his life made that seem less likely.
    I was determined to not get upset, but I was curious - was this the girl he had been telling us about? The girl who he said was all over him, couldn't take her eyes off him? Had invited him to meet her parents?
    As we filed out of the lecture theatre, I found myself next to J. I said to him, "Who is your friend? You haven't introduced us."
    I said it calmly, in a friendly way, but when I saw the brief flash of triumph in his face, I realised I'd fallen into his trap. I thought, "You b*&^&. You only want to make me jealous." He looked smug and sidled out without introducing me.
    I put my thinking cap on. What I was dealing with in J was classic passive-aggressive behaviour. Plus he had broken up with me, and yet was still trying to control me. He wanted to have his cake and eat it too, he wanted me on a string as well as whoever else he could get. If someone had said to him, "You have ruined Marg for any other men," he would have seen this as the greatest accolade.

    How to best respond to this? J increased the vehemence of his tales to us all about how his new girlfriend was besotted with him and told us of all the things they did together. I did my best to not react at all. Even though it had upset me, I carefully showed no emotion other than a polite smile. I realised that any further reaction, including showing any interest or curiosity, would be seen as jealousy (and therefore I was still in love with him for all to see and for him to boost his ego with). But I was curious.

    So I made friends with the Asian girl. I figured she needed to be saved from the creep anyway. She had done me no harm, he as the one who had strayed and undoubtedly she had had no idea he was engaged. Although as time went on, I began to realise it had been a non-engagement, a total sham. He hadn't allowed me to tell anyone just yet, not family and not friends. As I said - creep. So I made friends with the girl and she was glad of a new friend. A female friend. In lectures, we sat three in a row - J, Asian girl and me. And Asian girl would turn and talk to me and ignore J more and more. So all the time he had been big-noting himself about how Asian girl was crazy about him, he had been digging his own credibility grave.

    I also found it was a lot easier to not be jealous (and to move on) when I was friends with the new girl in his life. And to all our friends it became obvious he had been greatly enhancing his stories. His behaviour had been manipulative (and when I looked back, a vast amount of his behaviour toward me had been PA and manipulative; frankly, I was better off without him in so many ways).

    A few months later husband & I got together. We had known each other for a couple of years and had gone out once, but we had both been between romances at the time. This time things just clicked. We saw each other away from uni (husband was at a different campus) but one day after a couple of months, husband turned up on my campus to look for me. He happened to be in army uniform and my buddies played along. It happened to be on a day when J was there also (he had been increasingly staying away, moving on). husband growled, "Where is she?" in mock macho, and my mates (who had met husband at a picnic a couple of weeks earlier when J was not there) played along and pretended to be afraid, then pointed to where I was (another building). They told me about it later. Apparently J shrunk down in his seat and tried to look inconspicuous. I wish I had seen it! husband noticed tis guy looking a bit terror-struck and was feeling guilty, because he really was just joking around with my mates and her was some strange bloke thinking he was serious. But from his description I knew who it was and had a good laugh. The army uniform was the last straw. Apparently that was the last time J ever sat with my friends.

    My point - when you encounter passive-aggressive behaviour, you need to try to get inside their heads and work out what their payoff is. Then DON'T give it to them. Do the opposite. Trust me, it is a big win when you can do this consistently. Not only does it sabotage the PA behaviour, but YOU don't feel bad as the PA person intended. Instead, you can feel great!

    Marg
     
  8. Star*

    Star* call 911........call 911

    Howdy!

    Don't think we've ever had a chance to speak before. I'm Star - long time listener. And you are pregnant huh? Well congratulations!!!! I suppose by the sound of your post that the shared joy of "oh honey guess what?" wasn't there with your husband. Do you think maybe it wasn't there with yourself and that's maybe a little of the problem too?

    I know at this point in my life or even 12 years ago okay let's even go back 19 years ago had I found out I was pregnant again it would have not been 'joyous, good, happy' or anything else that you see women dancing around happy and glowing who want a baby. Believe me it took me the better half of ohhhh I dunno 15, 16, 19 years to get over the first one. Not kidding - my body took a complete dive off the out of control end. I lost my shape, my teeth, and well other things just hang, and droop, and are not ever going to be right no matter how much I diet and exercise or pack it into a wonder bra or spanx. Then there are those hormones. Yeah....thinking back I was not a cheery, glowing pregnant woman. But enough about me. You---you are the one with the new little one...so lets concentrate on that.

    You have what now two other children? So it isn't like pregnancy is foreign to you - but we know all pregnancies are different. (yeah try convincing me of that after my first son) phooe......oh yeah back to you.
    So IF you had 100% support from your husband would this be a good thing? For you? be honest with yourself. Do you think YOU would look forward to having another child for the next 18 years to raise and possibly contend with as either a easy child or difficult child? I mean honestly - the thought of that scared me, and maybe it does you too. Why wouldn't it? It's not like you can genetically engineer a child, but maybe in the back of your mind you keep thinking - WHAT IF? So ----what if it's all good? Let's just go with that for now.

    So if you had told your hubby, and he was happy, and you knew there was no chance of GFGness? Would the thought of carrying this child be better for you or still the same?

    Now in reality - You told your hubby, and forgive me I'm not familiar with his genetic make up - I've seen references to BiPolar (BP) disorder here and Passive Aggressive so I'm not certain if he is or isn't a difficult child himself - but if he IS??? And considering that someone said he's working two jobs currently? And not in any way blaming anyone for anything but I think the guy is probably feeling backed into a corner. House, wife, two kids, two jobs, daily stress - and then along comes #3? Yeah I can see where that would be overwhelming for anyone. So why would he say those things he did to hurt you? I can think of a lot of reasons, but the one you should be asking why to is him? And not RIGHT away either.

    I am in NO WAY condoning what he said or did. Was it awful? Yes. Was it hurtful? You bet. Did he mean for it to hurt? Well if he did? Bravo. Or is he a difficult child that just blurted out something to put as much distance between you and he so he could get time to think because he is immature and can't figure out anything better? Maybe? Did he say it to invoke a reaction from you that would lead to a separation? Well, if that's what he wanted? Shouldn't he just say what he means? I mean YOU know him - I don't. If he wanted out of your marriage - would he say - "I want out." or would he say something reflective like he did?

    Point being, and in total agreeance with the others - he wanted sex, sex leads to a baby, and birth control is never 100% effective. If it's the affair angle? Well go put yer big boy pants on and man up and ask - promise you if I was married with 2 kids and MY husband accused me of being pregnant with an affair child - well, after the child was born? I'd let him have the DNA results in the same jacket with the divorce papers. It wouldn't be my hormones talking either.

    At this point dear, you have a lot to consider for the next what 7 or 8 months ahead. You have of course, yourself and your health to consider, your other two children and now this child. (coochie coochie coo you pretty baby) - yeah Auntie Star gets a little googlie - so deal with it. You have living arrangements to think about and your job, time off, maternity leave, what happens if your husband STAYS in the picture and how that will affect your feelings towards him for the rest of your marriage and what happens if your husband does not STAY in the picture and how that affects you, and your children emotionally and financially for the rest of their lives.

    What kind of support system do you have currently in place? Financial support? Emotional support? Health support?

    I mean not to be flat - but if he decided to quit both jobs as disappear tomorrow - WHERE would that leave you? It could happen. It MAY NOT -----but if he's not just a little upset and out of sorts at the shocking news you both have to deal with - WHAT THEN? Thinking about it will help, PLANNING things will allow you to sleep better at night. Reaching your goals will ensure that things are going toward your plans. For you and all three of your children.

    I wish you the absolute best in health, love, decisions, guidance, prayer, peace and harmony....all of which you all are going to need bunches of.

    All my best -
    Star
     
  9. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    You have gotten great advice here, so I won't give more. Congratulations on the baby!!

    I will make a suggestion on pregnancy books. the What to Expect books have their place and time. Right now you should read "The Girlfriend's Guide to Pregnancy" by Iovine. It has great info and is hilarious - laugh out loud in the pregnancy book aisle funny! I have seen a few women laughing in that aisle in the last few years and each time they are reading that book. I wish I had it during my first pregnancy - it sure is less scary than What to Expect!

    Sending hugs and strength and rhino skin armor to help you through! Remember, 9 month pregnancy is a myth - 40 weeks is 10 months in my book!!!
     
  10. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    I'm sorry that your joy has quickly turned to sorrow. The CD family will be on your side every day as you go thru this transition period.

    I have to say that your husband's reaction is not that rare. Matter of fact when my third and unexpect pregnancy was discovered my then husband and I both less than delighted. Actually we almost both went into mourning for awhile even though there was no question that the baby would be welcomed into the family. We were a sane young couple with two easy child's under four. Money was tight. I can understand a negative reaction. I also know that sometimes feelings change once the shock wears off.

    Good luck. Sending hugs. DDD
     
  11. KTMom91

    KTMom91 Well-Known Member

    I saw your post earlier today, but wanted to think over my response.

    When I told Useless Boy I was pregnant, he asked me how much an abortion was. When I pointed out that I would not have told him I was pregnant if that had been my plan, he shut up, but he worked really hard on improving his P/A skills, finally reaching near perfection about the time I threw him out four years later. His crowning glory was signing that he was served with a copy of our divorce papers on February 31, delaying the divorce another six flippin' months. But I digress.

    As some of the other ladies have asked, are you able to do this on your own if you need to? Financially support your three kids and yourself? Do you have a solid support system of friends and relatives in place? I'm glad your mom's reaction was better than you expected; can you count on your folks to be there for you? I realized I could not count on UB for much of anything, and made decisions that would most likely have been different had we actually been partners instead of combatants. Your hubby's attitude may change, or it may not, but either way, you need to do whatever is best for you and for all three of your kids.

    Many, many hugs.
     
  12. joneshockey

    joneshockey Guest

    If FF1 was to leave us I would probably be ok finincally, since I make a bigger (not by much though) income than he does and I am the one who carries the healthcare for the intere family. Plus if you add the child support that he would owe me on three kids I am sure that I could make it work... I would most likely have to TRY to sell the house though (VERY bad market right now here in Michigan), since it would be hard for me to make the house payment plus utilities, plus childcare, etc. We will see how it goes the next couple of days... We did come home tonight and he did apologize for his behavior, but time will only tell if he REALLY means it!
     
  13. Star*

    Star* call 911........call 911

    Well......all I can say is ATTA girl. Women are planners. And ya know. The fact that he apologized is a really, really good start to healing a relationship. HOWEVER; And I say this with every fiber of my well theraputized being. Things that are said in anger are like nails in a wall - they leave a hole, and while the nail can be pulled out, and the hole patched - the wall will always remember the nail. So...perhaps if there are other issues that caused your husband to come up with the things that he said in haste, or shock and awe or whatever that caused him to loose his control? Maybe NOW would be a really good time to suggest counseling for everyone.

    Raising a difficult child with a supportive, non-difficult child husband with a two family job in a perfect world IS STILL TOTALLY STRESSFUL and can split a marriage. Add to that everything else that is 'wrong' with any (what I call normal by our CD Board family) standards? And you NEED 1.) outside professional help at LEAST once a week. 2.) A good non-family, non-friend, non-partisan :censored2:ing buddy 3.) Someone who has been TRAINED PROFICIENTLY to look at a family dynamic and listen, absorb and come up with real-life solutions that are do-able. Not - "well how do you feel about this?" kinda **** logic and then send you away feeling like you missed the high bar in some kind of parental track and field competition.

    Whatever reason he said whatever he said? I hope that the two of you are able to work through this and NEVER EVER bring it up again for the rest of this childs life, because if the child ever finds out that any of this was said? Even in an argument at age 30? Can you imagine how he (yes he -I'm a good guesser) is going to feel? So now is the time for you both to work on this and other things that are bugging you both and get them dealt with as best you can.

    You are a great Mommy, a Smart woman, and a Wonderful wife.......go with that. Be modest - find a therapist you both like and if he won't go? You go. You're going to need all the help you can get.

    Again -
    Hugs, Peace - Shalom.....Throws flower petals.....and a pickle (well it sounded pregnanty)
    Star
     
  14. joneshockey

    joneshockey Guest

    I don't think that FF1 would go for family counciling, but I have thought about going for myself... I have gone one other time when work was really stressful and it was a JOKE, so I am very aprehensive about trying again. It probably wouldn't be a bad idea to try to find someone, I wish had knew someone who could reccommend someone thoguh. Both B1 & B2 are going up north with- grandma & grandpa this weekend, so maybe I will suggest to FF1 that we should have a date night Friday night, since it has been ages since we have done that! FF1 works a 24 hr shift on Saturday, so Friday will be our only chance. I am planning on a girls day with- my girlfriends on Saturday and somewhere in there I have to make time to clean my house for B2's 4th birthday party on Sunday.
     
  15. joneshockey

    joneshockey Guest

    and I forgot to mention... I hope that you prediction is WRONG Star because I am in desperate need to buy someting PINK (for once - LOL!)
     
  16. Star*

    Star* call 911........call 911

    Okay admittedly - I have been through shrinkydink hades.

    first time? girlfriend drove me there and locked me out of HER car and said - GO or walk home - Home was 110 miles. I told her I'd prove I didn't need them....stayed 2 hours.

    second time? Caught the therapist checking her palm pilot thingy - (way back) and I got up and left. Found a new counselor.

    Got new counselor at church - OMG. he was pretty awesome except they wanted me to stay with a man that abused and tortured me. Not happening. Met a woman in the hall - ended up at a place called Sister care. Got good counseling from them - they recommended another woman. She was a little off the deep end for individual "christian" counseling. Went back to the church talked to the pastor - he was spot on and recommended divorce and another man.

    Saw new guy - couldn't afford him so I cleaned his offices in a swap before my appointment. Then stayed 1 1/2 hours a week. he was AWESOME. Stuck with him for about 3 1/2 years. Left due to x moving. Not x then - but soon to be. Left x - went back to womans shelter for advice. Got great advice, got divorce, went back to mental health for "free" counseling.

    OMG - FREE is exactly free - so kept on, keeping on - and switched me and my son from nutty professor to good guy, then he died, to a better guy, then he moved, then got a woman and SHE moved, and so it goes and finally after about getting sick of telling my sad little story over and over - I wrote some of it out, handed the first 5 pages out - if they could stomach that? I'd stay and hear what they had to advise - if not? I left.

    Ended up the last seven years with the BEST counselor/therapist my entire family ever had. He was the therapist for the prisoners within the prison system here in SC. I mean - who else better to counsel a difficult child and tell a Mother how to nip it in the bud huh? yeah - So .......ahem.....saw him and after about a year realized he was not fooling around with me, or Dude (when he was home and not in a facility) and even saw DF - With me it wasn't mandatory - either you want to be with us or not (DF is dear fiance of 11 years) ---so on his own he said "I want to go with you." and we all went. Mostly DF said he went because he didn't want an 11 year old to outsmart him. (no kidding). But seriously -we kept at it. I had MAJOR baggage from my marriage/divorce. You just don't even know....oy.

    And my kid? Well you know that line in Men In Black where they say Best of the Best of the best? Yeah well Mine is more of the Worst of the Worst of the Worst....Few would offer to trade with me. I'm never taken up on swap a kid weekends, I have NO friends left - save for the ones I have made here.....and I thank my son for cutting the weak from the herd. Not kidding.....it got that bad. I don't blame them. Not sure if things were different....well yeah I do know if they were different because I'm here for everyone else.

    Anyway - my best advice dear is to just go, and give it a few times. Don't judge immediately. I KNEW I would not like a man counselor - OH I JUST KNEW.....and yeah well the two best I had in my life? Older men. Sage, if you will. Not all are.....the two worst? The ones I thought would really relate to me. Younger women more my age at the time. Not sage, not life experienced. To me? Experience not age counts. Just don't give up -----three kids, a husband and a high profile job? You are going to need a :censored2:ing buddy - that is NOT your family, is NOT your husband, and is NOT your friends.....it makes you a better daughter, better wife and a more desireable friend to have around and keep being invited to things......trust me. You use those people closest to you as your sounding board and eventually you start getting dropped from events....promise.

    Anyway - oh did you want this one to be a girl??? (coochie coochie....) Okay then TWINS! One each. mwah ahahahahaha........(INSERT EVIL AUNTIE STAR LAUGH)
     
  17. joneshockey

    joneshockey Guest

    Pleeez Star... don't say that it might be twins!!! Although it has been mentioned to me by others already, since I knew I was pregnant almost immediately after ovluation... hmmm - something to ponder. God, I probably would loose my husband forsure if THAT ends up being the case!
     
  18. Star*

    Star* call 911........call 911

    TAKE DOWN TWIN CAT PICTURE......IMMEDIATELY. GOT IDEAR.....thar.

    ROFLM Egg timer OFF........
     
  19. joneshockey

    joneshockey Guest

    I go for my first doctors. appointment on Sept. 21 and they should be able to hear the heartbeat then, so lets just keep our fingers crossed that they only hear one!
     
  20. busywend

    busywend Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Yup - it is a girl and only one! That is my prediction! I felt it the minute I read your post.

    I think he will come around. Just give him time. Not everyone has to react the same way to life events. It is OK.
     
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