Constant disrespect

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by Wiped Out, Jan 1, 2009.

  1. Wiped Out

    Wiped Out Well-Known Member Staff Member

    First let me start by saying I'm so glad difficult child's violence is at an all time low!

    That being said though, I'm so tired of his CONSTANT arguing and disrespect. Everything anyone says he takes as a chance to argue. He is so disrespectful, especially to me but really to all of us. We give him consequences but it is so chronic it is hard to consequence each time (though we are trying).

    He is back to being a pain about taking his medications (for a long time he was very compliant). Often it ends up on the floor or somewhere else before he finally takes it (the other day I ran back into the house because I realized he hadn't taken his dose and back to the van-he threw it out in the snow-I was so mad). He thinks he is being funny-don't know where he got that idea. Today I told him that any time he doesn't take his medications immediately and appropriately when asked he will lose whatever he is involved in for at least 30 minutes. We'll see how that goes!

    As soon as he hears something from husband or me that he doesn't like he replies that he wishes he were an orphan and that he wishes he wasn't part of this family. We've taken to ignoring him on this.

    He gets his feelings hurt at the drop of a hat but seems not to care about his effects on others!

    Don't know where I'm going with this-guess it's mostly a vent. I'm just tired of it right now. Thanks for listening!
  2. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    Hi, Sharon! I'm sorry he's being such a PITA right now. My guess is that the lack of medications on a regugalr basis has something to do with it- I'm thinking more might not be making it to his stomach than you are aware of. I tried "playing dumb and extra nice" when my son went/goes thru that and try to focus on medications being taken on time first. Maybe some of it has to do with the holiday break from school- I hope he turns around for you soon, though.
  3. Wiped Out

    Wiped Out Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Thanks Klmno. I think part of it is the holiday break-too much togetherness (he's like this a lot but we aren't always around him so much).
    I do think he is getting all of his medications because we always watch until he has swallowed it.(He isn't the type who can fake it-thank goodness). It's the getting him to take it that his is being a pain about. For some reason he feels the need to make it a major deal (all 4 times of the day he has to take it).
  4. gcvmom

    gcvmom Here we go again!

    Okay, what about using a carrot (small, very small, very immediate reward) for each time he is compliant and cooperative with taking the medications?

    I'd ignore all but the most blatantly egregious comments and come down hard and fast on whatever you deem to be over that limit line. Every time.

    Sounds like he's testing you. So some of it could be normal. But maybe he's crabby from the lack of routine and like you said, too much togetherness?

    It's too bad he has to have a 4x a day schedule. Any way to get it to just 2?
  5. DaisyFace

    DaisyFace Love me...Love me not

    Hello Wiped Out--

    I am so sorry that you are having a difficult day...

    My difficult child is exactly the same cruel...and yet she thinks she's being funny. And there really are no consequences that can change her basic attitude about it (at least none that I have found).

    Recently though, we have had some success with a new medication (Celexa) and by having a counselor work with the whole family. difficult child started the counseling session by turning on the tears and complaining that her Mom (me) doesn't spend enough time with her and isn't loving enough with her and we don't have a good relationship. Understandably, the counselor was very concerned and asked difficult child "What do you need from your Mom in order for things to be better?". When put on the spot...difficult child didn't really have an the counselor asked me "What do you need from difficult child in order to have a better relationship?"

    My answer was that she could start by not calling me a "B****".

    For whatever reason, this was an eye-opener for difficult child....and over the next few sessions the counselor helped difficult child make the connection that when you are nasty to someone they don't usually respond in a loving way.

    It's a small step...but it is a start...and I have not been called a name (to my face, anyway) since. She did call her Dad a "jerk"...but that is a big improvement from "a**wipe" it feels like progress.
  6. lillians

    lillians lillians

    our daughter to,, but i think altho she knows we do not like the words,, she has no concept ,,other than the kids at school speak that way to each other,, he thought process does not seem to go far enough to understand depths of words,, i guess,,, it makes us nuts,, we are from an age and area of non tolerance re bad manners or language or disrespect for elders,,how do people figure it out
  7. Wiped Out

    Wiped Out Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Gvcmom-Wish we could get him off the 4x a day schedule. We had him down to three but he really needed the Loxapine at noon to make it through til later in the day.

    Daisyface-I'm glad you are getting somewhere with the Celexa and the therapy. My difficult child can't take any ads due to his bipolar-they tend to send him over the edge.

    Lillians-Yeah, I think part of it is difficult child's thought process. He does know the words are not appropriate though which is why it is so bothersome for me.

    All of this is so frustrating because although it's bothering me more right now because of winter break this is how difficult child is. The disrespect for him is chronic. We're working on it and the therapists are too but it's just really been wearing at me lately.
  8. meowbunny

    meowbunny New Member

    Have you tried duct tape? At least his mouth would be shut and you'Learning Disability (LD) only hear a lot of sounds. Just a thought.

    When my daughter goes through that stage (she does in spurts), I just quit hearing her. I absolutely refuse to respond, do what she wants or acknowledge her words in any way. Frustrates her to no end. If I do have to do to talk to her, I say it in a very soft, calm voice. If she fails to do what is asked, I simply turn off whatever she is doing and take the power cord with me. This usually will get her moving within 30 minutes, especially since I'm not responding to her spew of hatred. When I'm lucky enough to get her nice voice, I try to fit in as much conversation as humanly possible and make sure we have some fun time during that period.

    I also had some stock responses to some of her comments if I really couldn't ignore it for whatever reason. When I heard "I hate you," I always said, "That's okay, I still love you." When I was called a name, I would try to turn it into something positive, such as, "Thank you, dear. I'm glad you feel I am a Beautiful, Intelligent, Talented, Charming Human," etc.

    I wish you luck on this one. I'm really beginning to wonder if it is something that adoptive parents go through more than bio. I know in my adoption groups it was something brought up time and time again, especially with older child adoptions. Some of the theories we tossed about were our kids did it because (1) we felt guilty for what had happened to them and thus somehow allowed it to happen; (2) their anger is so much stronger because of the many fears of abandonment and rejection; and (3) they will test us until the day we die to see when we'll throw them away, too.
  9. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Has he ever seen an adoption specialist therpist? I really didn't know how important that was until recently, but it is. I think adopted kids, no matter how much we love them, feel an emptiness in their hearts, and we can't fill it. The older they are when they come to us, the more garbage and rejection they have had. This is a special issue that biological parents don't deal with. I highly recommend "The 20 Things Adopted Kids Wish Their Parents Knew" by Sherri Eldridge. And I'd have that issue addressed as well as the disorders because I think that this can keep our adopted kids from moving forward. And most therapists don't "get" it so you need somebody in the adoption community who can help. If we don't give our kids permission to talk openly about how they felt abandoned and incomplete (two words my easy child daughter used when she was crying about it to me) then the kids won't tell us because they love us and don't want to hurt us. But that doesn't mean it isn't there. I was shocked at how much my wonderful twelve year old easy child related to the stuff in the book I just mentioned. She'd never said a word about it to me, but it all came tumbling out when I spoke to her about it in a way that showed her I was open to hearing everything. Good luck :)
  10. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    That's interesting MB- early on in difficult child's "troubles", the psychiatric who did his neuropsychologist testing told me that there's a strong possiblity that difficult child had started behaving the way he was due to not knowing how to handle depression and was directing it at me for the three reasons you listed about adopted kids. In his case, that would be because of my difficult child learning that his father had chosen to not be in his life and never acknowledged him.
  11. Jena

    Jena New Member

    hi sorry i'm late to this. Holiday breaks are long and hard at times. I was just thinking some of what your saying yesterday to myself as well.

    It does sound like he's testing you to some extent. My difficult child also makes remarks similar to that about finding a new home, etc. I say to them go on the internet and find the number its' a 1-800 number and let's see where you can go!! They shrug than usually wind up laughing. They try to get me and i flip it on them instead.

    The medication thing is rough, also the scene each time 4 x a day is rough. My difficult child used to do this as well, now she still seeks attention when she takes her medication yet I think it's also because their looking for attention sort of thing.

    ok I have been no help lol. I just wanted to offer some support and say break will be over soon.

    Oh, with the nastiness i go thru this with easy child. I'm now learning to pick and chose my battles with her. It may sound silly yet I don't like major stuff slide, yet some little stuff i just let roll and I tell her I'm sorry i'm not going to engage with a 15 year old, or even justify your ridiculous and disrespectful comment with a response.

  12. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    Ugh. 4X a day. I thought 2 was bad.

    We've finally gotten our difficult child's medications under control. It has taken yrs. One reason was that he couldn't or wouldn't swallow them.
    A nurse at the hospital taught him how.
    Another reason was that he needed to be taken out of the context of home and given a bigger authority figure to read him the riot act. The psychologist did that.
    Another reason was that he needed a carrot/reward. Ergo, Reese's Peanut Butter cups.
    I suspect that no, one, single thing will solve this problem. You will have to try several things and just stick with-it.
    In addition to putting our difficult child in Time Out when he balked, we had him write 50X, I promise to take my pill. And we grounded him from his friends.
    You have to find the right buttons.
    I hear you!!!
  13. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    Oh, one more thing.
    When we're rushing, it messes up everything. difficult child picks up on it, it makes him anxious and angry, and he will blow a gasket. It's got to be a calm routine. (Easier said than done!)
  14. Wiped Out

    Wiped Out Well-Known Member Staff Member

    MB-Yeah the duct tape thing has crossed my mind! When you don't respond how does she react? Just curious, we've tried it with my difficult child-used to be he would get violent, now he just keeps following us and getting louder and louder and more disrespectful. Interesting thoughts from the adoption group. I also use the "that's o.k. I love you anyways response"-oh does that get him mad but I think he needs to hear it.

    MWM-We did take him to a Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) specialist at one point but not specifically an adoption one. It may be something to consider (if I could literally fit in another appointment-he's already seeing two therapists and easy child sees one). I have read the book-have had it a few years but haven't spoke with him about it yet. I think I'll bring it up with easy child first. difficult child is so much younger than his 11 years.

    Jennifer-I agree about picking battles. We do pick our battles but lately what is coming out of his mouth is horrible and much can't be ignored. I remember one time when difficult child was younger and upset and was going to run away-he couldn't believe we helped him pack his suitcase! Thanks for the support!

    Terry-Yeah 4 times a day is a pain. At least when school is in session one of the times is at school. My difficult child swallows all the pills at once so no problem there. I'm not really sure what this is all about because although for a long time getting him to take his medications was a pain, the past year or two had been smooth sailing! And, yes, you are so right about the rushing thing. It's way worse when we're in a hurry. We try to keep it as calm as possible but like you said, easier said than done:).

    I think after today (another rough one) I am finally ready to go back to work-just in time too!
  15. trinityroyal

    trinityroyal Well-Known Member

    Sharon, I'm so sorry that your difficult child is running his mouth. They truly can say the most horrible hurtful things.

    The only thing I've ever found that works even a little bit is to tell my difficult child, "When you speak to me like that I don't want to be around you. I need to cool off and don't want any interaction from you for at least ?? hours"

    I would pick a number of hours based on how horrible he was being. Sometimes it would be the rest of the day, just because I needed the time to cool off lest I let loose with my own sharp tongue.

    This thread has got me thinking...
    Although difficult child's not adopted, I am his stepmom. His egg donor treated him terribly, and walked out of his life several years ago without a backward glance. I think a lot of difficult child's vitriol is testing me to see how far he has to push before I walk away too.

    Although...I do like the duct tape idea as well :tongue:.
  16. lillians

    lillians lillians

    if we dare to respond with any negativity,,we lose,,, its that simple,, she reacts and catches it every time,, can anyone figure out why such a child,, can figure that out,, and not appropriate measures for anything ,, low iq should mean ,, at our mercy more than we at theirs,,no????lol figuratively speaking,,
  17. gcvmom

    gcvmom Here we go again!

    Maybe the pill resistance is just a matter of being tired of it all and wanting to be "normal" like other kids who don't have to take medications.

    My difficult child 1 has to take 12 pills a day, every day. That's not counting vitamins. That's 84 pills a week, 336 a month, 4,380 a year. I can't say that I blame him for getting "sick" of taking medications all the time.

    What made it finally get easier for him to deal with was getting to know other kids who are in the same boat. He's also talked to a number of health professionals who have driven the point home about taking these medications to keep him healthy and stable (GI, nutritionist, nurse, social worker, therapist, psychiatrist).

    Anyway, it's just a thought. Does he have any friends who have to take medications for any particular reason?
  18. Wiped Out

    Wiped Out Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Trinity-Thanks! We have tried the I don't want to be around you. Short of leaving the house-no way to enforce-he follows, we give consequence, he continues. Grrr!

    Lillians-I know what you mean!

    Gvcmom-Excellent point. difficult child takes 16 pills a day so that could be part of it. Unfortunately, he doesn't really have friends that he gets together with outside of school but maybe I could bring it up with the school nurse and she could help out.
  19. gcvmom

    gcvmom Here we go again!

    Maybe there is a community support group for teens with chronic health issues (physical or mental) that could help. My difficult child 1 happened to find his support through group for kids with Crohn's disease which also has a summer camp, but there are similar support groups for other issues, inlcuding mental illness. Do you have a local NAMI chapter? A CHADD chapter? CABF? My difficult child 1 also has few to no friends. It's very hard to see him like this and even he knows he has no social life. He's not outgoing at all and it's like pulling teeth to get him to call anyone to get together or just talk.

    Have you looked at his growth lately? If he's had a recent spurt, he could be due for a dosage adjustment.

    Hang in there! School starts very soon!