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Coping with Gossip in the Family
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<blockquote data-quote="BusynMember" data-source="post: 623780" data-attributes="member: 1550"><p>Some families thrive on drama. Mine is one that used to.</p><p></p><p>My sister and I have had many tiffs and times when we took time outs from one another. But never has she ever thrown my kids in my face, and she could have. She has three PCs who are all brilliant and two are already doing extremely well in college. None of my kids finished a four year college. If she wanted to be mean about this, it would be easy for her. But, as much as we can push one anothers buttons, in the big picture, my sister really doesn't want to hurt me. And I am proud of my twin nieces and my nephew. Oterhwise, how could we EVER have a relationship since we grew up and dealt with so much dysfunction most of our lives? The time outs we took from each other went anywehre from a year to a few months to a few days. We always grew closer because of those time outs. In spite of often starting out very peeved with one another, even thinking we may never talk to one another again...we missed one another. So we are trying to work it out. But that couldn't happen if my sister brought up any of my children in a negative way. She never has. Not once. I love her for that, even when we are in a time out from each other.</p><p></p><p>I have had a very dysfunctional, hurtful family experience and had to detach from them many times. In my journey, I have decided that your family is who is kind to you...who loves you....who is there when the chips are down. They may be your DNA connections or your friends or your church members or anyone. I do not consider somebody "family" that I have to love just because we have blood in common. I guess if I felt that way, I could not have adopted children and could not love them enough to die for them.</p><p></p><p>You can not stop the gossip in the family, but you can set boundaries about your DNA folks NOT discussing JT with you. You have that power. If you are under stress now and feel your sister, whom you know well, will only blow up if you confront her, you don't have to. It's your decision. I often confronted my family members only to be disappointed and, worse, fuel more gossip about how I'm a selfish, terrible person. That set the gossip cycle up again, only this time it would be about me.</p><p></p><p>I choose not to be a part of that. I talked little to my mom for many years, and she didn't want to talk to me so I didn't even hurt her. I wouldn't have hurt her. But she hurt me on purpose. Continuing to TRY to have a relationship with her did no good. I called her to see how she was doing (she didn't call me once in ten years). I apologized for the things I had done that had upset her, although I wasn't even sure what they were. I sent her nice birthday and mother's day cards. I told her "I love you" before we hung up the telephone. Never once did she say that back to me. But I gave it the All American try. There was no huge incident that anyone in the family can think of to make my mother dislike me so much. Even now that she is gone, my siblings don't know what triggered her dislike.</p><p></p><p>In the end, she struck back from the grave, disinheriting me. Not that she had that much and not that I gave two flips about anything she DID have. What hurt was that she did not even acknowledge that she had an older daughter. I was not even mentioned. And it hurt that my brother and sister never stuck up for me to my mother, although they had relationships with me and told me (at least to my face) that they had no idea why I was treated like I was and that they did not agree with it. Not that there was much they could have done, but I eflt so betrayed that neither one of them never told her, "You know, Pam is pretty nice and tries hard. I don't want you to talk to me about her if you don't have something nice to say." Truth is, if it had been reversed, I would have taken that stand with them to my mother. They told me "I'm not getting involved." That's ok. But it hurt me and has affected how I think about them to this day. There is always a little hurt there. I never bring it up because they'd again say, "I didn't want to get involved" and, of course, they had every right to feel that way. My resentment is my own problem, not theirs.</p><p></p><p>Sorry for rambling on. Just wanted to let you know that although you can not stop the drama, you can set up boundaries and refuse to listen to what is going on in the DNA Family Gossip Circle. You can take breaks from certain people. You can confront them outright, but, if you know them well and are sure of how they will respond, you don't have to. Or you can wait until you are in a better place and are ready to fend off a possible attack. You have the freedom to do what is best for your own mental health and you aren't a bad person if you choose to detach right now...or forever. Whom you talk to, confront, associate with, love, trust, care about...it is your own personal decision. And it is, in my own opinion only (nobody has to agree with me) best to invest the deepest part of your heart in people whom truly care about your well being and act in your best interests just as hopefully you would do in their hour of need, so to speak.</p><p></p><p>Blah. I babble too much.</p><p></p><p>I've been through a lot and lots of stuff trigger me.</p><p></p><p>At any rate, WE support you and we do understand your pain. All of us do.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="BusynMember, post: 623780, member: 1550"] Some families thrive on drama. Mine is one that used to. My sister and I have had many tiffs and times when we took time outs from one another. But never has she ever thrown my kids in my face, and she could have. She has three PCs who are all brilliant and two are already doing extremely well in college. None of my kids finished a four year college. If she wanted to be mean about this, it would be easy for her. But, as much as we can push one anothers buttons, in the big picture, my sister really doesn't want to hurt me. And I am proud of my twin nieces and my nephew. Oterhwise, how could we EVER have a relationship since we grew up and dealt with so much dysfunction most of our lives? The time outs we took from each other went anywehre from a year to a few months to a few days. We always grew closer because of those time outs. In spite of often starting out very peeved with one another, even thinking we may never talk to one another again...we missed one another. So we are trying to work it out. But that couldn't happen if my sister brought up any of my children in a negative way. She never has. Not once. I love her for that, even when we are in a time out from each other. I have had a very dysfunctional, hurtful family experience and had to detach from them many times. In my journey, I have decided that your family is who is kind to you...who loves you....who is there when the chips are down. They may be your DNA connections or your friends or your church members or anyone. I do not consider somebody "family" that I have to love just because we have blood in common. I guess if I felt that way, I could not have adopted children and could not love them enough to die for them. You can not stop the gossip in the family, but you can set boundaries about your DNA folks NOT discussing JT with you. You have that power. If you are under stress now and feel your sister, whom you know well, will only blow up if you confront her, you don't have to. It's your decision. I often confronted my family members only to be disappointed and, worse, fuel more gossip about how I'm a selfish, terrible person. That set the gossip cycle up again, only this time it would be about me. I choose not to be a part of that. I talked little to my mom for many years, and she didn't want to talk to me so I didn't even hurt her. I wouldn't have hurt her. But she hurt me on purpose. Continuing to TRY to have a relationship with her did no good. I called her to see how she was doing (she didn't call me once in ten years). I apologized for the things I had done that had upset her, although I wasn't even sure what they were. I sent her nice birthday and mother's day cards. I told her "I love you" before we hung up the telephone. Never once did she say that back to me. But I gave it the All American try. There was no huge incident that anyone in the family can think of to make my mother dislike me so much. Even now that she is gone, my siblings don't know what triggered her dislike. In the end, she struck back from the grave, disinheriting me. Not that she had that much and not that I gave two flips about anything she DID have. What hurt was that she did not even acknowledge that she had an older daughter. I was not even mentioned. And it hurt that my brother and sister never stuck up for me to my mother, although they had relationships with me and told me (at least to my face) that they had no idea why I was treated like I was and that they did not agree with it. Not that there was much they could have done, but I eflt so betrayed that neither one of them never told her, "You know, Pam is pretty nice and tries hard. I don't want you to talk to me about her if you don't have something nice to say." Truth is, if it had been reversed, I would have taken that stand with them to my mother. They told me "I'm not getting involved." That's ok. But it hurt me and has affected how I think about them to this day. There is always a little hurt there. I never bring it up because they'd again say, "I didn't want to get involved" and, of course, they had every right to feel that way. My resentment is my own problem, not theirs. Sorry for rambling on. Just wanted to let you know that although you can not stop the drama, you can set up boundaries and refuse to listen to what is going on in the DNA Family Gossip Circle. You can take breaks from certain people. You can confront them outright, but, if you know them well and are sure of how they will respond, you don't have to. Or you can wait until you are in a better place and are ready to fend off a possible attack. You have the freedom to do what is best for your own mental health and you aren't a bad person if you choose to detach right now...or forever. Whom you talk to, confront, associate with, love, trust, care about...it is your own personal decision. And it is, in my own opinion only (nobody has to agree with me) best to invest the deepest part of your heart in people whom truly care about your well being and act in your best interests just as hopefully you would do in their hour of need, so to speak. Blah. I babble too much. I've been through a lot and lots of stuff trigger me. At any rate, WE support you and we do understand your pain. All of us do. [/QUOTE]
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