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Coping with Gossip in the Family
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<blockquote data-quote="Childofmine" data-source="post: 623792" data-attributes="member: 17542"><p>Our family is, in general, a very good one, but we also have our share of dysfunctional stuff. I think any family and every family does, it's the degree that is the only difference. Reading all of these posts, I am sorry that so many people here have such nonsupportive immediate families. </p><p></p><p>In mine, I believe I have posted that my 50 yo brother, who lives now with my 81 yo parents, is an active alcoholic, fairly high functioning. He goes to work every day, excels at his job, keeps getting a lot of kudos---he does inside sales at a big company---raises, etc. </p><p></p><p>He also kills himself to help my parents and I don't believe they would be in their home right now if he weren't there. It's not a healthy situation by any means for any of them, but it is what he is going to do and it is now what they need. </p><p></p><p>My dad is very hard on him. My dad carries a lot of guilt about my brother's alcoholism (undeserved of course) and because he certainly was not a perfect father, he concludes that he allowed or caused this. I have talked with my dad about the facts, but his guilt translates to anger aimed at my brother. Of course, it's more complicated than that. My brother and my mother are very close, and my dad is often excluded. </p><p></p><p>Anyway, the point is this, I have worked hard to accept them as they are. Living 700 miles away helps! (lol)</p><p></p><p>My brother is doing the best he can. My parents are doing the best they are going to do at 81 years old. Intentions are good all around. I am just trying to appreciate them and love them and realize I'm not going to be able to change one darn thing they are or do. </p><p></p><p>Regarding support for my difficult child, my family has been very supportive of me, personally, and of boundaries with difficult child. I try hard not to "control" what they do---again, that is not my business. When they ask me what they should do/not do, I tell them what I believe and then I work hard to let it go. They are adults and they have a relationship with difficult child that is theirs alone without my involvement so I can't get in the middle of all of that. </p><p></p><p>We don't choose these families, as we know. These are accidents of birth, some lucky ones and some not lucky ones. </p><p></p><p>But the families we can choose, ah, that is a very different thing and a blessing. I have dear friends who love me and support me, and who know difficult child back to when he was a precious baby. I am grateful for that.</p><p></p><p>Then I have new friends like you all and even SO (three plus years) who didn't know difficult child way back when but who also love me and support me and also you---some of the best---who are walking the same walk I am walking---the pain as parents----I am so very grateful to you.</p><p></p><p>And Alanon is full of the same people, who we can see face to face and build new friendships and relationships there. </p><p></p><p>Blessings to all of us who are hurting today. We are standing in the gap for each other. I am very grateful for that, regardless of what families---those who are supposed to care the most for us---do or don't do. Just like we have to go one, using the tools we can develop and that work for us, regardless of what our difficult children do or don't do.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Childofmine, post: 623792, member: 17542"] Our family is, in general, a very good one, but we also have our share of dysfunctional stuff. I think any family and every family does, it's the degree that is the only difference. Reading all of these posts, I am sorry that so many people here have such nonsupportive immediate families. In mine, I believe I have posted that my 50 yo brother, who lives now with my 81 yo parents, is an active alcoholic, fairly high functioning. He goes to work every day, excels at his job, keeps getting a lot of kudos---he does inside sales at a big company---raises, etc. He also kills himself to help my parents and I don't believe they would be in their home right now if he weren't there. It's not a healthy situation by any means for any of them, but it is what he is going to do and it is now what they need. My dad is very hard on him. My dad carries a lot of guilt about my brother's alcoholism (undeserved of course) and because he certainly was not a perfect father, he concludes that he allowed or caused this. I have talked with my dad about the facts, but his guilt translates to anger aimed at my brother. Of course, it's more complicated than that. My brother and my mother are very close, and my dad is often excluded. Anyway, the point is this, I have worked hard to accept them as they are. Living 700 miles away helps! (lol) My brother is doing the best he can. My parents are doing the best they are going to do at 81 years old. Intentions are good all around. I am just trying to appreciate them and love them and realize I'm not going to be able to change one darn thing they are or do. Regarding support for my difficult child, my family has been very supportive of me, personally, and of boundaries with difficult child. I try hard not to "control" what they do---again, that is not my business. When they ask me what they should do/not do, I tell them what I believe and then I work hard to let it go. They are adults and they have a relationship with difficult child that is theirs alone without my involvement so I can't get in the middle of all of that. We don't choose these families, as we know. These are accidents of birth, some lucky ones and some not lucky ones. But the families we can choose, ah, that is a very different thing and a blessing. I have dear friends who love me and support me, and who know difficult child back to when he was a precious baby. I am grateful for that. Then I have new friends like you all and even SO (three plus years) who didn't know difficult child way back when but who also love me and support me and also you---some of the best---who are walking the same walk I am walking---the pain as parents----I am so very grateful to you. And Alanon is full of the same people, who we can see face to face and build new friendships and relationships there. Blessings to all of us who are hurting today. We are standing in the gap for each other. I am very grateful for that, regardless of what families---those who are supposed to care the most for us---do or don't do. Just like we have to go one, using the tools we can develop and that work for us, regardless of what our difficult children do or don't do. [/QUOTE]
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