Coping with not liking difficult child...peers shying away, what do we do...

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by PlainJane, Jun 12, 2013.

  1. PlainJane

    PlainJane Every dog has his day....

    I want Occupational Therapist (OT) know if anyone feels like I do, and how you deal with it and not take it out on difficult child. difficult child is on clonidine in the evening, but really it comes down to his personality. I've talking about it before. There's just a constant need to argue, Its not that he's being specific (like an Aspie) and correcting people, or being literally. We moved beyond that as a cause. He is just an oppositional child. He aruges things and if he is allowed to get his way, he will switch positions to keep arguing. Its not about winning, it about arguing. It like he love it.

    He says such mean things, A LOT. I can't understand how he can behave this way. I know we don't want to talk personality disorder, but that's exactly what he's like, living with a almost 6 y/o borderline. THe way he percieved reality, the way he acts. I've read into this extensively over the years because my own mother has it. Also husband sister and late grandma fit it as well as some NPD traits.

    Even this morning, I served my younger sons breakfast before mine and difficult child (because we were having a cooked food and my little one was having cereal). But I nearly always serve all the breakfasts together. Ahd difficult child starts yelling "why do you always serve me last?? Where's my food?"

    Or I might be singing a song and difficult child will tell me "stop singing that I don't like that song" and I'll say "ok" (I let him win.) And IMMEDIATELY he starts screaming franticly "no no I like that song sing it sing it!!!" and I tell him, "no you asked me to stop." or I might say as this happens often with various things "I don't want to sing anymore" and it will send him into a freaking out rage yellnig at me to sing it...he follows me around the house screaming.

    He is rude to others, just plan rude. He is manipulative and lies even when there's nothing to gain. I want to see the good in him, I'm his mom for god sakes and I have a hard time being around him for more than 10 minutes. Even hubby feels the same way. difficult child is just so mean and angry and just looks for ways to upset people.

    I feel aweful. I feel like we are supposed to be his support, his unconditional love, and to encourage him and com;liment him no matter what. We are supposed to build his self esteem...but we just avoid him because even the smallest interact ends in him looking to fight.

    And we are all mentally and emotionally drained from it. THe scariest part is he KNOWS he does it and can control it around certain people...the manipulation is scary...

    If I say something nice to him about him (you are a really nice boy) i feel like I'm lying. And how do I say that when we don't get through 10 minute without him fighting with someone around him. Even our 3 y/o is getting olde enough where he doesnt want to be around difficult child. He tells him to go away , or tries to play alone, and difficult child follows him and my little one gets upset.

    How can a child be born so angry? How can he get pleasure from manipulating others and fighting? I just don't get it. What do we do? I know he's getting otrasized at school, we've met with the school and he tells me. But when he tells me he tells it as though he's the perfect little boy (literally leaves out whole pieces of info related to his behavoir) and says that other kids just harass him. But I've met with the school and observed him in class, and kids just don't like him. How can I expect his peers to like him when his own family is happier when he's not home??

    I'm so scared because this will only get worse. He will begin to feel alone in the world, I think in a way he already has. He gets very upset when he's alone, he has nightmares frequently about all horribel things. And I'm afraid he's goin to end up committed suicide as a teen or getting into drug or alcohol to "deal" with these feelings...

    But when ever I try to explain to him, do social stories, walk him through being nicer. he just acts like he's normal and everyone else is out to get him. I know he's 5, but has no insight into this, not even the tiniest bit. I don't know what to do....
  2. PlainJane

    PlainJane Every dog has his day....

    Although no one has responded, here's what I did for the 68 people that lurked. After posting this I made a book (stapled paper together) about why I (we, our family) love difficult child. And I filled I don't know maybe 20 pages with all the reasons we love him. It was very theraputic for me, each page was a reason and I did a little drawing too. WHen difficult child got home from school I gave it to him, and there was no arguing! He loved it way more than I thought he would! He seriously read it like 5 times, outloud and said he loved it! So all his behavoirs aside, I am going to keep working on giving him encouragement. Don't get me wrong, 15 minutes later he was fighting, but it was still a great feeling seeing him so happy. So one day at a time I guess. I'm going to focus less on stopping or addressing behavoir and try not to get so upset about how they are effecting him socially. I know thats going to be a growing issue in years to come. But I will just focus on being positivie with him even when he;s negative with us. Easier said than done but I cant give up.
  3. SuZir

    SuZir Well-Known Member

    That was clever thinking from you! Good job!

    I can't really relate. My difficult child was awful during his teen years, but that is different. And when he was younger, he could be extremely annoying and exhaust me. But at that time we did have also good moments and days and that helped a lot. It sounds, that you unfortunately don't have so many good moments with your difficult child. Trying to create them would be extremely important, but I get that it can be near impossible.

    I was one of those 'lurkers' earlier, but I hate to write from my phone so didn't answer. I was however thinking of answering later and asking if he has seen (pedi) psychiatrist? Anger is very common symptom in depression on little older boys than yours, though I'm not sure if that is true also someone so young as him. That he has Autism Spectrum Disorders (ASD) isn't necessarily all he has going on.
  4. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    I don't think you are being ignored, if that is how you feel. I think that many people, like me, don't know what to say. To me he sounds pretty typical of the kids we post about here. I do think it's too early to say he has a personality disorder and found that your examples of things he has said were more in the annoying category than mean.

    Meanwhile, he is only five years old. You have no idea yet what the future holds for him. He is way too young. I read that the reason you can't diagnose a child with a personality disorder is because their personalities aren't formed yet. They aren't done growing and changing. I think it's best to stick to what will help him in the present and let the future just unfold as it's going to. Is he taking any sort of social skills classes or are you teaching him social skills from home? There are good books to read that explain social skills to children who are deficient in that area. Is he getting any help in school or the community? THAT in my opinion is what needs to be the focus right now. This is the time when his brain is the most flexible for learning new things.
  5. Jules71

    Jules71 Warrior Mom since 2007

    I feel like I could have written your post. I found this site when my difficult child was 5. He is 11 now. I don't feel like we have figured anything out really. My son does say he hates his life and wants to die. It breaks my heart. He feels like we are mean to him and everyone hates him. He has a distorted perception of reality I think.

    His diagnosis's are adhd and odd. I also see Autism Spectrum Disorders (ASD) and Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD). He has an idea of how things should be and if reality doesn't match that he freaks. Total control issue I think. He is just so negative and unhappy it seems.

    Hugs. I get where you are coming from.
  6. Jules71

    Jules71 Warrior Mom since 2007

    by the way, great job on the book. What an amazing idea. I just might do something similar. :)

    Hope u have a great night!
  7. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    NOT that we should treat our kids like animals... but I learned a lot about parenting from the dog trainer. A LOT.
    Things like not assuming intent, especially complex concepts like revenge or getting even.
    Things like learning to reward the behavior I want, whether I asked for it or not... and remembering that what I think is a motivator, may not motivate my kid at all.
    And the biggest one? Focus on the relationship more than on any one behavior. Build a strong relationship, and you have the means to work on the other stuff.

    My difficult child is definitely not Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD), and wouldn't even qualify for insecure attachment (also on that spectrum). But we found that when we used some of the ideas that are used for kids with insecure attachment, it made a much bigger difference than all the punishments or rewards or talking we could possibly do.

    Your book idea? Right track! Find ways to create moments you can both ENJOY together, and do them "because it's what we do", not as a reward, nor taken away as punishment. These are relationship builders.
  8. Liahona

    Liahona Guest

    That is a great book idea. It is awesome that he responded to it so well.

    What does his therapist say about his arguing and unpleasantness?

    Some of the things we've done with difficult child 1 in the past is a form we filled out after every time out. "I'm sorry I.... Next time instead I will ... Also he has drawn pictures of what he thought he was getting in trouble for. We have also been very blunt about social consequences. Just this morning difficult child 1 yelled at difficult child 3 causing him to cry. difficult child 1 got time out. Then difficult child 1 asked difficult child 3 to trade him games and difficult child 3 glared at him and refused. I pointed out that when he yelled at difficult child 3 that difficult child 3 got mad at him and was less likely to do what difficult child 1 wanted. Then difficult child 1 had to write an apology and do an act of restitution.

    Do you think your difficult child really doesn't get that what he is saying is wrong or is it that he is not admitting it? difficult child 1 knows what he does wrong but has a hard time admitting it; even if I saw him do it.
  9. Dixies_fire

    Dixies_fire Member

    I have been there. Listening to my oldest start a fight as soon as she walks through the door and keeping it going until she goes to sleep is sometimes more then I can bear. I sometimes feel very fortunate that my difficult child is pretty respectful of me if not anyone else in the house because it would drive me insane for a kid to talk to me like that.
    We often have issues when we do things that I personally think my difficult child Should be happy about and isn't, like going to the park or cooking out.
    Sometimes the smaller things are the things she enjoys, reading a shell Silverstein book a few poems at a time. Talking about when she was little or when she was born. Telling her she made me a mom so she is special. I probably don't so these things enough but I have used them just because I had to remind myself she's my kid and why I love her, even if I can't stand the attitude and the yelling, screaming and pushing, especially with everything else that has been going on.

    I didn't see this earlier but I think what you did was great and anything you can do to show some approval will help the way you feel and the way he feels I truly believe. My difficult child is incredibly observant if I smile at her she notices, if I laugh she notices. I'm sorry that you are cursed with this at 5 yrs old, I'm sure that must be very difficult.
  10. harrietta

    harrietta New Member

    Wow, your post is something I could have written myself, I have exactly that child, except mine is 6. I'm going to try out your book idea tomorrow...
  11. LittleDudesMom

    LittleDudesMom Well-Known Member Staff Member

    These, to me, are powerful words and what began to "lighten the darkness" with my difficult child. Things were pretty bad around here ten years ago. It wasn't until I was able to look beyond the behaviors and get to really know my son that things began to look up. It took a lot of time and energy, and I was blessed with a easy child who was five years older and very understanding, but once we fostered the interpersonal stuff things started to change for the better. Really it's a whole child "treatment" that made a difference for us.

    Your book was a wonderful idea!