Cops called, wife gone

Discussion in 'The Watercooler' started by miles2go, Mar 21, 2010.

  1. miles2go

    miles2go Member

    So wife gives daughter a bloody nose then as I break things up wants to talk to the boys and all I want her to do is cool off and she won't and so I call 911 and the next thing I know they will report the felony to the DA and will either take her to jail right now or I have to show that I can keep the kids away from her. She takes the opportunity to leave and is now who knows where, cops told her to stay away a couple of days.
    Although in her rage before cops were called she was saying she's filing for divorce (something she says and means every few months) I am willing to give it another try if she gets into treatment.
    People, what do you think, any changes of a deal with the DA/judge to get charges dropped in exchange for her treatment of her BiPolar (BP)?
    or mayb I should just go through divorce since now a good chance for me to get custody -- none of us feel safe with her as things are.
    Me -- dad
    Wife -- BiPolar (BP), untreated, hypomanic, rages
    easy child 1 daughter 14 , snooty teen but allright
    difficult child son, BiPolar (BP) 9, medications sorta help
    easy child 2 son 5, perfect in all respects
     
  2. GoingNorth

    GoingNorth Crazy Cat Lady

    I would recommend that you retain a good attorney ASAP. No matter what the outcome legally that you chose, you need a legal professional to help you navigate the system, and to insure that you and the kids are protected
     
  3. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    Yep, see an attorney. But if it was me, I'd get a legal separation with me (you) having custody and the spouse understanding that if treatment is pursued, reconciliation would be tried. An attorney can help make sure things like supervised visitation are legally in place so you can't get accused of keeping the kids from her.
     
  4. Marguerite

    Marguerite Active Member

    That sounds like good advice.

    I can't advise you on anything legal, because it is just so different here. Plus I've not been through anything like that myself. But I'm thinking of you and sending you good vibes from around the world. Here's hoping she chooses treatment.

    Marg
     
  5. crazymama30

    crazymama30 Active Member

    Get a good attorney. I really do not think that any treatment that is court mandated is very effective, in my humble opinion. The person being treated has to be invested in their own treatment--my husband is BiPolar (BP) and is being treated but is being a royal PITA right now. I am not sure how we will end up. If you are ready for the divorce, then proceed. But you have to be ready and want it. It does not sound like you do. I would then proceed with a legal separation, and tell her if she gets treatment and follows up with treatment for a lenghty period of time (I would do a year, but that is me) because BiPolar (BP)'ers when not treated and sometimes when treated, do not always follow through, then you would consider counseling and then a reconcilliation. I would also tell her she must be compiant with whatever the psychiatrist wants and before you started counseling I would want to meet with her psychiatrist to be sure she is compliant.

    I spent years with husband before he was treated, and it was hell. I will not do it again. I told him if he is not medicated then he needs to leave. I will not live that way. He said why, he was fine. I told him no you weren't.

    If my husband gave my dtr a bloody nose? I would be done. He would be gone forever. That is just my opinion on what I would do, and is by no means judgement on your situation. It really hoovers to have to play the peace maker all the time, I have been there done that too many times.

    My heart aches for you. Good luck, and I would reccomend individual counseling for you. You are in a very hard spot. Feel free to pm me anytime to talk or vent.
     
  6. AnnieO

    AnnieO Shooting from the Hip

    OK first off I am impressed that you are willing to actually say anything, most guys are reticent about this kind of stuff when it happens.

    Next, I third or fourth the legal representation. GET A LAWYER NOW. However before you do that, go to the county courthouse and get an ex parte civil protection order (since you have to keep the kids away from her? They should give it to you) - but keep something in mind, it's a LOT harder for guys. You have the police report so that should do the trick. Make sure you and all children are listed.

    Now if you are willing to try again, the lawyer should be able to help you navigate the system. With the CPO you will be granted temporary custody of the kids (make sure that part's noted!!!). IF she gets treatment things may right themselves - which is the best that can happen and I am praying for that for you. If not? Make sure you look at supervised visitation for her and the kids. They do need their Mom, but they do NOT need to be abused in any way.

    Last but not least. PM me - we've been through something similar with my (step) kids.

    HUGS - and LUCK!
     
  7. Fran

    Fran Former Site Owner

    You have a responsibility to keep the children safe and that means rages as much as bloody noses.
    Whether reconciliation is a possibility will depend greatly on her ability to be treated and to act in a safe way towards
    the children.
    Get a lawyer, get custody then worry about wife. She needs to want treatment and hit bottom. Maybe the loss of her
    children will be the bottom she needs.
     
  8. tiredmommy

    tiredmommy Site Moderator

    I agree with the others... your first priority is to the children. Besides, child protection may become involved and you want to be proactive in keeping them safe until wife is stable and able (allowed?) to rejoin the family. Your kids need you now.
     
  9. gcvmom

    gcvmom Here we go again!

    I think klmno gave you great advice. Her approach protects you and the kids, yet leaves the door open for reconciliation if and when wife gets her act together and chooses recovery and mental health over chaos.

    I'm sorry she's pushed things to this point, but your kids need you to make the right decision, regardless of how painful it may be.

    Hang in there!
     
  10. KTMom91

    KTMom91 Well-Known Member

    No advice, just adding my support.
     
  11. totoro

    totoro Mom? What's a GFG?

    I agree with the others. As someone who has had a very short fuse in the past, once I had children I had to make a very strong decision to leave it elsewhere when it came to my kids. I may yell at times and even then I feel guilty because I feel like my BiPolar (BP) is always blamed for this.

    But, stability is number one. I would expect my husband to demand me to take my medications. If I was running around being non-medication compliant as I did for a very short time, he would and did stop it pretty quickly.

    Violence should not be tolerated towards a child regardless of if someone has BiPolar (BP) or not. I would not put up with it with husband and he would not put up with it with me.
    She needs help, it has been a long time coming I think by making her leave and separating etc. This is helping her. For now.
    I am so sorry you and your family are having to deal with this. I am by no means perfect but our kids and family should always be put first.

    I am here also.
     
  12. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    Miles2go, why can't you keep the DA charges AND get her into treatment? If you drop the charges, she won't take it seriously. If you put a bug in the atty's ear in reg to treatment, it will sound pretty normal. Which it is.
    Keep breathing.
     
  13. miles2go

    miles2go Member

    So wife gives daughter a bloody nose then as I break things up wants to talk to the boys and all I want her to do is cool off and she won't and so I call 911 and the next thing I know they will report the felony to the DA and will either take her to jail right now or I have to show that I can keep the kids away from her. She takes the opportunity to leave and is now who knows where, cops told her to stay away a couple of days.
    Although in her rage before cops were called she was saying she's filing for divorce (something she says and means every few months) I am willing to give it another try if she gets into treatment.
    People, what do you think, any changes of a deal with the DA/judge to get charges dropped in exchange for her treatment of her BiPolar (BP)?
    or mayb I should just go through divorce since now a good chance for me to get custody -- none of us feel safe with her as things are.
    UPDATE: she's still full of same rage at me, hurling stuff at me i heard a million times. Will move out for a while. God, how do i get her to a psychiatrist and on medications? Or should I go through custody hearings while she's ranting -- will be convincing to the judge.......
    Me -- dad
    Wife -- BiPolar (BP), untreated, hypomanic, rages
    easy child 1 daughter 14 , snooty teen but allright
    difficult child son, BiPolar (BP) 9, medications sorta help
    easy child 2 son 5, perfect in all respects
     
  14. smallworld

    smallworld Moderator

    Miles, I'm sorry you're struggling. This has to be a difficult situation for your entire family.

    I'm sorry but I have to move this to the Watercooler because it's not related to difficult child issues (that's where your other post went as well).
     
  15. Farmwife

    Farmwife Member

    Miles

    I am so sorry to hear about this situation. Was the incident enough to get her admitted to a psychiatric hospital?

    I have done my fair share of bipolar things to loved ones. It is a hard life for family members. There are support groups for that.

    Tough love was most effective for me. Of course being patient and understanding are great when a person is rational and responsive. For myself the only thing that was effective was pain, pain extreme enough that I sobered up from the mania long enough to accept help.(or a trip to psychiatric hospital) This pain was realizing I was hurting or about to lose a loved one. Once I got that wild look in my eyes there was no reasoning with me, no bringing me back down unless I crash landed.

    It's normal to still love your wife and worry for her in spite of her actions. That makes you a good husband. Right now though, the most important thing is being a good Dad. I lost my ex husband to schizophrenia. Of course his body is alive but the man I knew died a long time ago and left a shadow in his place. It was a long, slow and brutal process. All along I though my difficult child was oblivious or coping well.

    I know with absolute certainty that 90% of difficult child's issues are from me not leaving soon enough. The way things ended with my ex caused difficult child permanent emotional damage.

    In her defense, you are speaking to the mania, not neccessarily her. I have shouted and "meant" divorce lots of times. Ultimately it was the mania talking. It really is a time of confusion. I would sometimes feel as if I had two personalities, good and evil...almost like the devil or angel on a persons shoulder in a cartoon. I look back now with deep shame and remorse for some of my actions when in a manic rage. When stable my true nature is gentle. Sometimes the guilt is overwhelimng when coming down from the mania, so overhwelming that it's easier to check back out again then face the damage done.

    Not every person comes back completely, my ex didn't. I on the other hand am well as can be but I still have to work hard at maintaining my progress. IF your wife gets help it still can take a long road to recover and get medications right. It's harder than fighting an addiction.


    Have you considered a legal separation? It handles custody but isn't a final split. I had custody papers that required ex get anger management at one point so stipulations are possible. Maybe after there is time for the dust to settle she could prove herself to you and the kids again. If she is cycling the responsibilities of family may be too much for her right now. Maybe some time for her to get herself in order wouldn't be such a terrible thing. Nobody says you can't still date her on Fridays and have a planned, healthy family game night on Saturdays, you know?

    Take time to really think about what you and the kids need before deciding. It doesn't have to be black or white, you don't have to decide the rest of your life overnight.

    I wish you the best.
     
  16. miles2go

    miles2go Member

    Hey I thought my post disappeared but the moderator moved it here from General and now I see all you good people responding. She's still self-righteous (just stopped by to get her things) as though she's been wronged and is moving out. I would get a divorce at a drop of a hat if I was convinced that I could get custody of the kids. I am still hoping that if she got into treatment things would turn around, but the way I see it the disorder ravaged her enough to leave her with a narcissistic personality disorder (she admitted during easier times that she just cannot imagine another person's feelings) and other cognitive/emotional handicaps.
    StepTo2 -- not sure I need the Protection/restraining order, should I get one anyway? you say it gives me (temporary) custody ? then may be yes.
    I saved her butt from getting hauled off to jail right then and am kinda regretting it now.
     
  17. miles2go

    miles2go Member

    TerryJ2, as i understand, the charges are not even mine to press or drop -- she assaulted our daughter and it's up to the DA what to do with the police report, no?
     
  18. flutterby

    flutterby Fly away!

    I think that it is up to the DA. I do think, however, that you can let the DA know of your wife's illness and see if they'll do treatment. There is no guarantee that s/he will do that, though.

    I would retain an attorney and go for, at the very least, emergency full custody due to wife's instability and her behavior towards the children. If you do nothing, there is nothing stopping her from taking the kids.
     
  19. JJJ

    JJJ Active Member

    If I were you, I would file immediately for temporary custody of the children and supervised visitation for mom (supervised by a supervision center not a relative).

    This is your best opportunity to get primary custody.
     
  20. AnnieO

    AnnieO Shooting from the Hip

    YES, you NEED the protective order. This will do more than one thing for you, one it will show the courts you are looking out for what is best for your children. Whether you love her or not, she ASSAULTED your child. Two, it will help with custody.

    Now honestly custody for a father isn't "normal" but it's very doable and with the DA... Well, honestly your wife is going to have to do a LOT of standing on her head and jumping through hoops. Child abuse is very much frowned upon by the court.

    I noticed you said "I would get a divorce at a drop of a hat if I was convinced that I could get custody of the kids." Hearing that - My suggestion is 1. Get a protection order. 2. File for emergency temporary full custody (should be part of CPO). 3. Find a lawyer and file. 4. Love your kids. Love them constantly. Prove to them it isn't their fault. Make sure they get to see their mother - though supervised (visitation center) is best. Don't tell them anything negative about her. Let them talk to you about their feelings. They might say they hate her. Remember hate is a strong emotion and cannot exist without love. And they WILL love her - she is their mother.

    I've learned all this the hard way...
     
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