Cops called, wife gone

TerryJ2

Well-Known Member
I like the advice here. Go for it. (Sometimes I don't know what to say and, voila! Everyone here has said it for me, or has said it much better!)
Best of luck. Keep us posted.
 

totoro

Mom? What's a difficult child?
If she does have NPD sometimes treatment is almost impossible to convince them to get.

My Father has NPD and is Psychotic. He will never seek treatment and for him there is no bottom. He has fully admitted that he would rather hurt and kill more people or himself than ever give in or be wrong.

I really hope she is still in there somewhere and willing to get help.

I still have that desire to want to be stable, so tough love works on me. Even if I kick and scream through it.

I am keeping you and your family in my thoughts. i can't imagine what you must be feeling right now.
 

Mattsmom277

Active Member
haven't been around in a couple weeks so new to this thread today. First, I'm sorry your wife is struggling, it can't be easy to be so ill you aren't even realizing that your actions and choices could result in the desolution of your life as you know it. Second, I'm very sorry for yourself and your children. You are in a difficult position, and then your children are in their own different yet heart crushing position. Mental illness is ugly and affects all who love the person, moreso when they are so unstable.
I do agree with posts from others that you need to safeguard yourself, you family home and the security of the children. From a non emotional view, it is easy to see that primary focus must be on putting legal protection in place to ensure that your children remain with you at this time, that hte family home is within your control (as in, it should be your home with kids at this point for residency purposes with something legal in place that doesn't give full rights to your wife, protecting you all in event something awful happens and she shouldn't be there for the best interests of your kids).
From an emotional standpoint: i am the child of a bipolar mother who was unstable in my childhood. How I prayed for a adult, a parent, who could have guided me through the process of coping with my mother and her illness, and a parent who could have protected me from the affects of her actions as she cycled with her disease. Instead, I cycled in and out of the foster system. The reward for that was simply surviving it. The long term "gift" that gave me, was a lifelong diagnosis of post traumatic stress disorder and anxiety/panic disorder. It gifted me years of therapy and it destroyed any chance to maybe later in life get a good relationship with her. I am very glad to hear your children have you in their lives and in their corner. In no way does that mean you shouldn't possibly decide to be willing to work on a long term resolution of your marriage. I can see though that she is unwell enough at this stage to be in no position to participate in a marriage, let alone as a parent who can make good decisions for the children. With addiction there is some level of insight they need to stop. With mental illness there truly are times they do not see it at all, or see it differently than the average outsider would.

Again, from a practical point of view, getting legal measures in place to secure your childrens home and ability to have stability with a mentally rational parent in charge of ALL decision making, is really the best option. It in no way rules out anything you and your wife might want to do towards getting her well and your marriage on track. But that isn't the status of the situaton right now, and she isn't well enough to even decide if she wants a divorce let alone if the marriage and raising children is something she can reliably participate in down the line. It requires in tact mental faculties, which she isn't in posession of right now. You and your kids have nothing to lose in getting legal measures in place to ensure certain things at this stage. There may be alot to lose if the opportunity to show how her illness affects everyone isn't utlilized at a time when it is simply obvious she is not in a good place right now. The kids do just need someone to make steps to be able to assure them of certain gaurantees. I've learned with my mother that love is not enough and patience is not enough and wishing them better isn't going to fix things. We can hope or pray they improve and love them all through their struggles. But that doesn't mean that we don't also have to at times protect ourselves or the rest of the family.

many warm thoughts to all of you. Not one of you, your wife included, should have to go through any of this.
 

miles2go

Member
Thanks all. Your support did take me to a lawyers office and I am filing for legal separation with petition for temporary full custody. I put in lax visitation rights (supervised by her mom) because it will have a higher chance to be approved, I was told.
I also decided to get it served rather than do it ex parte, also because per lawyer it has a higher chance of success.
the question is then to serve it asap or to wait a week when the kids and I are out of town for the spring break, so that when she goes ballistic we are 500 miles away.
I am so glad for all you people, without your support I wouldn't be nearly as strong.
 

AnnieO

Shooting from the Hip
OK while all this is true, don't back down on the supervised visititation. As a woman I can tell you this though I have never been in that situation - she may irrationally and/or subconsciously blame your daughter and take it out on her. And make SURE her mom won't leave either. Please for your kids.
 

miles2go

Member
Oh you bet StepTo2. Daughter doesn't want to have anything to do with her and I don't think you can "make" a 14 y.o. do it. So visitations are about the 2 boys, and grandma is not all that great about keeping peace, but better than nothing, and if we have incidents, we'll have a better footing to tighten up the visitation rights, rather than start out asking for only officially-supervised visitation. More likely she'll be telling boys garbage about me; we'll have to see how it goes...
 

Marguerite

Active Member
Sounds like you've got it carefully worked out, Miles. As for the "telling garbage" - can you insulate them from this to a certain extent? Make sure YOU don't tell any garbage, make it clear that this is just a sad situation that is nobody's fault, you know they love their mum and it is right that they do so, but sometimes people just need time apart. Push the "nobody's fault" angle and "nobody is saying anything bad" angle, so if she DOES say something bad, it will bounce back without you having to throw it (if you know what I mean).

Step's right on the supervision - double-check the legal situation for your daughter's visitation too. You need to not only do the right thing, you need to be SEEN to do the right thing. And because you're male, you need to be seen to be bending over backwards to do the right thing.

I think you made a wise decision on the visitation, although I do agree, you need to be really strict about it and tighten it up at the first need.

Hopefully this will give your wife the impetus she needs to go get help. But if it doesn't - it's HER choice.

Marg
 

miles2go

Member
Right Marg.
But man, it's going to be hard to pull that trigger, to file and serve. Things are so calm and easy without her around, and once she sees all her transgressions in the declaration to the judge, many gaskets will be blown and thermonuclear meltdown will ensue.
 

gcvmom

Here we go again!
Might be best to wait for your spring break getaway to serve the papers. If she's that volatile, I'd really consider it.
 

AnnieO

Shooting from the Hip
Things are so calm and easy without her around, and once she sees all her transgressions in the declaration to the judge, many gaskets will be blown and thermonuclear meltdown will ensue.
I can see this. BM is much the same. I still think a protective order is a good idea... Because when the meltdown happens, you're going to need something to back you up.
 

tiredmommy

Well-Known Member
Make sure you notify the schools about any custody issues... you'll need to send official copies of court docs to make it official.
 

susiestar

Roll With It
I am glad you are filing. It really is the best thing for the kids. Serving her over spring break sounds like a wonderful idea, esp as she is likely to blow a gasket.

Be SURE that schools all get copies of custody orders and that she is NOT allowed to pick them up at school. Period. She might decide to do who knows what, so that is important to protect them.

Check with the lawyer (if you haven't) about whether daughter will have to visit her or not. It isn't always set in stone that at a certain age a child can choose.

Many hugs and prayers through this difficult time.
 

miles2go

Member
StepTo2, lawyer told me that I am better off just going for temp full custody since the protective order would have to be first for me and for kids as an appendix and I wasn't threatened hence request is likely to be denied. Who's BM?
tiredmommy -- got it, its getting to that stage that gives me the heebies.
The downside of waiting a week is that she may file first and I ll be then at a disadvantage.
susiestar -- thanks, I need that encouragement cause its hard to make that step and my family will be having a cow of a "divorce is worse than death" variety.
Since you have a Borges sig, here's my memory as my thanks to you -- I saw the old blind man give a talk once. His usual "there is too much history in appreciation of literature" and it's all a "big game". They asked him what are advantages of old age. Knowing his limitations, he said. Like, "I know I'll never write a novel". Guess he wasn't sure before.
You know, when he was the main librarian at the main library in Argentina, during Peron years, he stole and destroyed books he didn't approve of.
Good night, all -- I probably couldn't go on with this without you.
 

gcvmom

Here we go again!
Best wishes for a smooth filing and serving of papers! I hope this is the beginning of many more "calm and easy" days ahead.
 

miles2go

Member
So now Motion is filed and I have to figure out how to serve the Petition and, as I am planning subterfuge to nail her to a particular place and time, I have a big big hole in the pit of my stomach.

The hole is very much like the anxiety/panic that I've felt many times before anticipating whatever I was afraid she'd do that could harm the kids.

Lordee lord.
 

gcvmom

Here we go again!
Good luck! I hope it all goes down with minimal drama... or at least an escape hatch for you! Keep us posted.
 

Mattsmom277

Active Member
Congrats on taking the high road (speaking in a respectful way to the kids about her) and congrats on taking that step to secure yourself and the kids. I know it must be so difficult and your words show us all that this not easy for you, nor what youd choose in a more ideal situation. As I posted last time on this thread, this doesn't prevent a change in the situation with you and your wife if her situation improves and she gets real help and reaches stability and more insight into her disorder etc. But for now, it is what it is. And what steps you are taking are the wisest ones with kids involved. I can imagine that despite the loss of your life partner at this moment, it must be a needed break for all of you to have some tranquility in the home. Embrace that and you and the kids will get through this.
Sounds like your lawyer is dead right on the approach and I really hope that serving her doesnt cause her to meltdown and show up on your door or something. I have had to call police for help with my mother in strange situations like that, as I finally realized I had to (for my own sake) take a approach of realizing there was no point in trying to rationalize with her in that mindset. Each time, I would request police have her taken to the hospital (not police station) and evaluated, I would call ahead to speak to ER doctor about situation, and leave it in their hands. A couple of times this created a hospitalization that in the long term, was in her best interests. The times I tried to calm her myself etc never really did work for me.
I continue to send good juju to yourself and your children, and to your wife that she might find some peace through treating her illness. Mental illness is such a insidious thing :( :(
 

miles2go

Member
Thanks for good vibes y'all.
Is set up to get served tomorrow.
If you see a bright flash on horizon, duck, cover, and hold on to something.
Life partner my foot. My only true fear is that the judge won't see it my way and splits custody.
 

AnnieO

Shooting from the Hip
Sending good vibes... With the DA saying she cannot see the kids you have a better than normal chance. Tell your attorney not to back down on that. It is in the best interest of your children which is a key phrase!!!
 
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