Cops called, wife gone

[miles2go]

Beth, who called you a witch? Your ex? Is that a chick thing to be afraid to have a strong opinion? It's not a problem, really. I think like you except -- I have to tread lightly now, to not damage the boys, and hopefully to give her enough rope before mediation/hearing.
I sure wish I could move her out just like that, but once again I am playing for time...

 

[nvts]

No, it's not a chick thing to be afraid to have a strong opinion...not at all. But in the past people have felt that some of us have gotten a little too "passionate" when we state our position and they've left the board feeling unsupported. I'm usually candid, but kind and I didn't do that today. I allowed my state of mind to supercede YOUR feelings and for that, I really am sorry.

I know the tread lightly feeling...I feel like I'm dancing around every one here as well as husband so that there's minimal damage being done. That being said, my blood sugar is through the roof and I'm beat to hell. But, life marches on or over you so...I'm doing my best to march on!

I'm sure he's called me a witch and much much more, but that's his problem - not mine. I guess I would care if I respected his opinion and since I don't - it doesn't matter!

We're here for you and I've got you and the kids in my prayers!

G'nite!
Beth

 

[miles2go]

Still not sure, Beth, where you think my feelings were superseded; we are very laid back here in California, you know. but I have seen situations you describe in this forum, yes.
Anyway, wife wont go away, her manic phase is picking up (so with luck she'll move on to hostile during mediation), grandma is wobbling about with what looks like microstroke (and wife is almost gloating how I'll be paying the medical bills) and I have to write up as much as I can of this life of mine for mediation, which could be as soon as this weekend. Lord give me strength, I am getting very cold feet. wife is nuts tho, no question about it. N-V-T-S. Move out? I am still (today) on the side of letting her accumulate more custody order violations etc. The kids are not too traumatized by her trying to be a perfect (although ultra controlling) mom. Moving out might look to mediator/judge like i am a jerk, i wonder. Anyway, to my life story.
g'nite.

 

[nvts]

I did the cold feet ritual myself and in the end, it didn't do anyone a lick of good. husband (in my opinion) has suffered from MAJOR depression for quite a long time. He'd retreat into his/our room for not only hours at a time as soon as he got home from work (when he was working - another long drawn out history!), but entire weekends. I had our latest and greatest model 15 mos. ago, and he came to hospital once - he was on vacation for 2 weeks and spent the entire time on the video game. When I got home, he just constantly yelled at the kids. They weren't allowed to be children. The attention he did give them was cruel and sarcastic (sarcasm doesn't work with Apsperger kids - and I've got 3 of them!). But I kept waiting for him to come out of it. And waiting. And waiting. And waiting.

I had to go with what was best for the kids. And I think that that is where you are now. Keep that focus. She's and adult making her choices, they can only live with the choices that you make. I am totally convinced that you're doing the right thing - you're protecting your children. That comes foremost in these situations, and trust me...I'm kicking myself for not doing this sooner - it's only been 2 weeks and I'm already seeing slight changes. They'll lower their own lights at night, they'll sleep through the night (except for that rotten little baby - lol!), they'll play with each other rather than fight (ok, let's be real - rather than fight "as much"), and they're starting to trust that I'm here for them.

Don't wobble - you're heading down a tough path, but it's a different path not a bad one!

Gotta hit Pathmark (major sales going on and the paycheck has to cover both houses!).

Feel better Smiley! Feel better because it gets better!

Beth

 

[miles2go]

Yea thanks Beth. My cold feet are entirely about the possibility of me not getting full custody; that would be horror.

 

[AnnieO]

M2G... I am praying hard you do get full custody. Be prepared though for shared parenting with you as residential. The only reason husband got full custody of the kids was BM's husband hurting Onyxx. And I don't mean bloody nose.

 

[miles2go]

Thanks for the prayers , Step. She's been spinning out today which certainly gives me resolve for the battle, and hope that she keeps spinning visibly through the mediator and the hearings. I won't have the police report in time for the mediator so not much other than my (and daughter's if she gets to say it) word. She's sending threats to my work email as I write this. So -- how true is it that going along with her custody violations establishes "precedent" and "facts on the ground" that make it harder to unroll later? Should I take that into account as I try to minimize the damage over these couple of weeks?

 

[AnnieO]

There is a difference between "going along with" and "letting it slide".

If you make it clear (in writing is best for documentation purposes) that you do not appreciate the violations and will not tolerate them, and she keeps it up - she looks bad... And you look good for trying to communicate, letting the kids see their Mom, etc. If you say nothing, it makes you look as if you don't care. However when you make it clear to her? Be so polite it makes your teeth hurt. Whatever you do, do NOT engage her in any kind of debate over unrelated issues.

If she is threatening you via email? Set up your email to automatically forward them to your lawyer. Let him know first, of course. Do NOT reply unless it seems required - such as, if she asks if it is okay to have an unsupervised visit because Grandma is not up to it. The response (to that) would be... "I am sorry, but the court order does not allow for that. If Grandma is ill, we can reschedule the visit for a time she is feeling better." See what I mean? So polite your teeth hurt.

You should be able to get a copy of the police report in less than a day. Call the PD, tell them what you want, then take money with you because they will charge you per page - but worth it.

 

[nvts]

So polite your teeth will hurt? Miles, do you have dental insurance? I'm seeing TMJ written all over this baby!!



Beth

 

[miles2go]

Ok people she intimated that if I play it right (grovel+cash) then maybe as early as this week she'll sign custody over to me.
So pray hard that her amygdala doesn't whack out before that.
If that won't work -- thanks for the written "you do not have my permission" idea.
As for PD -- crime on juveniles involves a juvie court judge need to review it before release, that's why will take long. But family court judge can always request it pronto.
And people, I couldn't go on without your support, seriously.

 

[gcvmom]

Well I, for one, am rattling beads and doing the "traditional" nekkid chicken liver dance to ensure that the stars align, soon-to-be-ex's brain cooperates, and your custody plans go through as hoped for.

 

[miles2go]

thanks, gcvmom, as long as it's the traditional and not one of them new-fangled nekkid chicken liver dances, it's gotta work. My lawyer was unavailable, all day at court today, so couldnt get the papers prepared and strike while the iron's really hot, but hopefully tomorrow will still be amenable.

 

[AnnieO]

Ok people she intimated that if I play it right (grovel+cash) then maybe as early as this week she'll sign custody over to me.

I'm hearing that she's willing to sell her rights to the kids to you. UGH. I'm so sorry you have to live with this. Wow. I don't suppose she's come right out and emailed that, or made it sound like that? 'Cause that could work in your favor. And you know, if she signs over custody? SHE won't be GETTING cash - she'll be paying support. Maybe not much... But... So it could all work quite nicely!!!!!

Good luck. Sending you lots of good vibes for the weekend...

 

[miles2go]

Naa she s not willing anything, it's all just talk, narcissistic pulling for my grovel or a letter of appreciation for all she's done, then she changes mind again. She's very nuts and just when I thinks she's reasonable things go crazy next day. I just have to through the system I guess and play tough. Am writing today her and lawyer that letter about her violations and asking her to move out.

 

[gcvmom]

I kinda suspected that might happen. An unmedicated leopard CAN'T change its spots, or something like that. Hold your ground, speak your truth.

 

[AnnieO]

Naa she s not willing anything, it's all just talk, narcissistic pulling for my grovel or a letter of appreciation for all she's done, then she changes mind again. She's very nuts and just when I thinks she's reasonable things go crazy next day. I just have to through the system I guess and play tough. Am writing today her and lawyer that letter about her violations and asking her to move out.

LOL nah, what I meant is the way she is talking/acting could be taken that way!!! Keep your chin up. And keep documenting. Our thousands of pages of paperwork overwhelmed the GAL at first... But then he went through it... And it just backed us up. (In fact, in one point in his report he noted that the documents that BM provided proved husband's point... Not hers.)

DOCUMENT. Don't forget - pictures. Video. Notes of your own and other people. Court docs. Email, voice mail, phone calls, anything you can get your hands on.

 

[miles2go]

The unmedicated leopard is gone for tonight. DD14 is yelling at me "shut up" and "stupid" because the logistics cut her friday hangin out short. difficult child is hypomanic. Ds5 is cranky too. Mediation sunday. Someone shoot me or rather nuke the whole town.
But hey started difficult child on truehope and after fight he did take the pills so there's the bright side for you.

 

[gcvmom]

And tomorrow is another day... hope things quiet down.

If it makes you feel any better, my difficult child 2 and husband were hypomanic today, too. Must be in the air...

 

[miles2go]

must be that icelandic ash in the air or sunspots. difficult child's shrink thinks that wife is his trigger, but he seems to be doing better today; wonder if truehope is working. Mediation was a drag, but I think is looking good for me ("cold comfort" as Marg calls it). Mediator had to stop wife from getting (further) into her sex life. Sigh.
Now mediator wants to see all 3 kids, then us again. Hoo boy, this is gonna cost a pound of flesh of each of us and a pretty penny to boot. Wish wife saw how much she is hurting her case every time she opens her mouth and sign the dang custody deal; I am afraid that the judge and the mediator will recommend stricter visitation and supervision for her than I am ready to accept, and then she and possibly the kids too will be hurt.

 

[katya02]

Hi, I'm joining the conversation very late but wanted to say hello and offer my support and best wishes as you go through this agonizing time.
I'm sorry to hear that mediation is so painful (unlikely it would be anything else, I guess, but still - ), but if wife is continuing to demonstrate
instability it's good that it happens in front of the mediator as well as privately. Sometimes people pull themselves together
for the officials in the process and that makes it ten times harder to protect the kids. If the mediator orders stricter visitation than you'd
anticipated, it may be for only a limited time; visitation and access can always be revisited at the request of either party. If wife has recently
been violent toward any of the children and is currently unstable, what the kids need is safety and stability. They need to know they're protected
when their mother isn't well; once she's on medications and doing better they will be able to see her more.

I hope truehope works for your difficult child - I looked into it at one point but by then my difficult child 1 refused to take absolutely anything else and I never got
trying it. I do hope it helps.