corporal punishment

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by weaselqt, Sep 11, 2007.

  1. weaselqt

    weaselqt New Member

    I wanted to know if corporal punishment ever works for any of your difficult children? I do believe in "spare the rod, spoil the child", but stopped about 7 years ago due to the fact all I was doing was making him ANGRY.

    Well, I was told to just give him an old fashioned wood shed whipping and he will straighten out. I've heard it before, but wonder how everyone else feels about corporal punishment. I'm not thinking about taking it up - geez he is 15 now - but has anyone else had the same sort of reaction from their difficult child's as I have?

    I spanked easy child/difficult child 1 & 3 and they learned their lesson - but never worked with difficult child 2 - is it the disorders?
  2. AllStressedOut

    AllStressedOut New Member

    I have spanked all of my children at one time or another, but have stopped. I don't spank hard, in fact, my boys tell me it doesn't hurt. I stopped spanking in the last year or so. husband still spanks on rare occasions, but very rare.

    My youngest difficult child would flip out, even when he was 3. If you'd go to swat his hand away from something hot, he would flip out. My oldest difficult child would throw himself across the room if he thought you were about to spank him. He would over dramatize the whole thing and end up hurting himself more than any spanking would. It wasn't safe to get him in this type of mood.

    We just decided one day it doesn't work and it's not worth the anger that it causes, both us and them. I've noticed in husband when he spanks, it makes him more angry about whatever happened to get a spanking. I'd rather husband just walk away. I do it when my kids are really erking me. I know better than to go off on them verbally or with a spanking because I'm mad. It's just not the time to deal with it.

    I still believe in the same saying you mentioned "Spare the rod, spoil the child," but it doesn't work with my difficult children, so there isn't any point.
  3. Big Bad Kitty

    Big Bad Kitty lolcat

    Nah. You can't beat the disorder out of these kids.

    I don't much believe in spanking in the first place (although I will be the first to admit, I've been pushed to the point where I have to walk outside, because I've been so angry at difficult child I thought I might just crack her behind) and certainly spanking will get you nowhere with a difficult child.

    You will, however, lose count at the number of people who will tell you to just take them to the woodshed and show 'em who's boss. They have no idea.
  4. neednewtechnique

    neednewtechnique New Member

    YES!!!! It definitely is. Our children are different and therefore normal methods of discipline don't affect them the same ways that it does normal kids. Mostly everything I have read mentions that spanking will have little or no effect on our difficult children, in fact, if you are talking about a difficult child who rages, spanking can be WORSE because if they think hitting is okay, they could become violent during rages.

    You will hear many people tell you, I think all of us have, that all your kid needs is a good spanking or a kick in the pants, but believe me, it does NOT work ...
  5. ML

    ML Guest

    Funny but we had this conversation at work recently. A bunch of tough moms were going on about sparing the rod and spoiling the child and that they wouldn't put up with this, that and the other. I just sat there feeling badly and wondering if maybe I was doing something wrong because I put up with stuff and maybe if I had spanked I wouldn't be where I was.

    But I know that it's like comparing apples and oranges. Some cultures and some religions are sterner with CP too. I have just learned I can't compare parenting journeys with "normal" folks.
  6. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    This only worked iwth difficult child when he was a toddler and I only used it for SAFETY issues. Actually I used it for running into the street and for reaching for the stove. As defiance crept in, spanking was used more. With little result.

    One "therapist" who was highly recommended said if we used a belt (on our 7yo) and just hit him with it every tiem he was defiant it would work. He gave us lots of literature to read. It took less than a week for us to realize that difficult child REFUSED to let this alter his behavior. We realized we were going to have to hospitalize him with a beating if we wanted to change behaviors, and then it would onlywork until he was out of the hospital.

    That ended corporal punishment for him. I used it very occasionally when J and thank you were little, for similar safety issues.

    Mostly J owuld cry with a harsh look or scolding, and then she would change her behavior. At least enough not to draw our attention, but she changed it.

    The sheriff here in our state has recommended a whipping, putting hte fear of God into our son. It wouldn't have worked. At that point we ignored the advice.

    Would a strong spanking make your child better if he had diabetes???

  7. flutterbee

    flutterbee Guest

    I don't believe in spare the rod, spoil the child. There are other more effective methods of teaching a child, in my opinion. Admittedly, I have been pushed to the point where I didn't know what else to do and I spanked. The only thing I managed to accomplish was a loss of self control. As far as what it taught my children? If you make mom mad enough, she'll hit you. I wish, I wish, I wish I could take that back. As a mother, I can teach my children better lessons than that.
  8. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Well I spanked all my kids and the schools here use corporal punishment in them. Spanking worked well for two of my kids but not for the other one. If it had worked, Cory would be an angel because he got well more than his fair share from both us and the school system.

    I personally see nothing wrong with smacking a hand or a bottom for misbehavior but to each his own.
  9. Sara PA

    Sara PA New Member

    You can't spank a 15 year old; he'll just laugh at you. And an old fashioned woodshed whipping is nothing more than a beating.

    Are you willing to beat your child?

    Do you think it will help?

    Would it make him more respectful or more resentful?

    Fear is not respect.
  10. meowbunny

    meowbunny New Member

    If I thought spanking would have made the remotest difference, I probably would have tried that. Heck, I tried everything else! Truth be told, she was beyond spanked by her biomom -- she was beaten. Her biomom told me not to bother spanking. It just made her mad and she would do worse to get even. Mind you, she was barely three when she was taken away from her biomom. I'd hate to imagine what would have happened had she been spanked or beaten at ages 4 or 5. One of her foster parents told me she'd fantasized spanking my daughter but couldn't because she'd lose her license. I was told that once the adoption was final, could I please spank her once for the foster mom!!!!

    No question she was a handful when young but I seriously doubt spanking would have made a difference. Truth be told, nothing really made a difference if she decided she wanted to do something. There was no consequence nor any reward that would stop her. In some ways, this is still true. She does have a deadly fear of jail (thank goodness for some really bad movies lol) and this has stopped her from some actions.
  11. C.J.

    C.J. New Member

    N*'s biomonster thought putting out cigarettes on her arms and legs was appropriate punishment. She still has scars. The scars are more than physical.

    For what it's worth, spanking is probably best done when the child is very young and impressionable. 15 seems a bit old to me to try spanking. Once the kids are older than 9 or 10, it probably doesn't work as well as it once did. Withholding privileges (the few she had left) from N* worked best for me.
  12. gcvmom

    gcvmom Here we go again!

    weaselqt, off-topic here, but just wanted to wish your daughter good luck with the Remicade -- my difficult child 1 has Crohn's and although we haven't had to use Remi, I know it has been a life saver for many folks with autoimmune issues like RA.
  13. Marguerite

    Marguerite Active Member

    Just to emphasise here, for those who misunderstood - weaselqt is NOT remotely suggesting spanking her 15 year old or any other variation of a woodshed whipping. It's just that when someone suggested it AGAIN, it made her wonder how the rest of us think on this issue.

    Times have changed. When I was a kid, the teachers would use a cane on the serious offenders. My class teacher used a metre rule to hit kids with, in class, and a bit would break off each time.

    My mother would on rare occasions use a belt to hit us with, if we had been VERY bad. I got the belt once for being much later home from a friend's place, than I should have been.

    As my sisters had kids, my mother kept a wooden spoon, brightly painted, in her kitchen. All she had to do was threaten.

    I took a leaf out of her book and when it was the turn of MY kids, I invested in a red plastic fly swat. It was nice and whippy - it whistled nicely, but bent so much it could barely be felt. But the kids were as afraid of it as if it had been made of red-hot iron. The kids would hide the fly swat - I'd buy lots more and have them stashed round the house.

    However, my kids were raised in child care because I worked for the first few years. The centre didn't smack the children, not ever. To be consistent, I learned the techniques the centre used and found them to be even more effective. The fly swat became relegated to just swatting flies.

    Now the picture has changed even more - a couple of months ago it was made illegal in New Zealand to smack your kids. Aussie authorities are talking about bringing it in here as well. What they're really after here isn't the mother who gives a gentle swat on a padded rear for extreme misbehaviour, they're after those mothers who really wallop into a child in public just for crying tiredly, or falling over, or something simple. A tired parent whacking at a kid really hard, purely as a result of their own frustration - those parents will be in court so fast their heads will spin. And this already happens in both Australia & New Zealand, before the legislation. They just wanted to reinforce tat it's not OK, and to legally draw the lines in the sand. or in this case, in solid cement, locked away in that clear-cut position.

    So next time someone suggests a woodshed whipping, tell them to get with the times and make sure their legal bills are all paid up, because that thinking will get them into big trouble in a number of countries. Even to suggest this could soon be illegal. Sometimes I'd like to make it so, anyway, if only to stop those people from telling me a good spanking is all that's needed.

    My favourite reply is, "So that explains why you're so intolerant..."

  14. timer lady

    timer lady Queen of Hearts

    We all have our beliefs in regards to discipline. I won't comment on the spare the rod, spoil the child. I will say that spanking or any physical type of discipline would only make kt or wm, especially, angrier & more defiant.

    And fearful - like meowbunny my children came from a very abusive bio home. husband & I decided long before our children were placed permanently that spanking was not on the list of things we were willing to do.

    And saying that, we had to find other consequences; consequences that made an impact.

    That hasn't been totally successful. I don't think with our children & their special needs, that we will find the "magic" button that will automatically instill respect, acceptance of adults decisions, compliance, etc. It will all be individual - just like the medications we give our children & the therapies they attend.
  15. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    I lost it a few times, but basically try to hit the kids where it REALLY hurts--their electronics, cell phones, cars, etc. The few times I got hit as a teen (I was a big difficult child) I laughed and said, "Do it again." When they did, I'd say, "Do it again until it shows." It made me feel more defiant than ever. I doubt it would have made squat difference to my kids in how they turned out. I didn't spank and two of my grown kids have NEVER been in trouble. One got into TONS of trouble, but completely straightened out her life. We accomplished this all without spanking. The car license worked best for my ex-difficult child daughter. I personally think you can get too angry and a spanking can turn into a beating. Also I can't imagine a teenager caring if he got spanked unless you slammed a belt to his bare butt. Where I live, that's child abuse. And you can be charged with it.
    If any professional told me to "spank"--if that was the best advice they could come up with--I'd probably get up and leave.
    I'd call the cops on anyone who burned my kids with cigarettes. I wouldn't care WHO it was--that IS abuse. I'm always amazed at what some people will resort to in order to get "respect." I'm sure that doesn't foster respect and, when the kids get older, maybe they'll hit you back. I've known that to happen too.
  16. weaselqt

    weaselqt New Member

    thanks :flower:
  17. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    Nope. It made us feel better at the time, though, LOL!
    When difficult child shouted, "That didn't hurt!" I knew it wasn't working. It was a challenge, not a lesson.

    You try everything once or twice and figure out what works.
  18. AllStressedOut

    AllStressedOut New Member

    LOL, Terry, thats what my husband says. I'd say, "That doesn't help." He'd say, "What do you mean? I feel better already." LOL
  19. Marguerite

    Marguerite Active Member

    Whenever one of my sister's kids said, "It doesn't hurt!" she replied with, "it's not meant to hurt. It's meant to remind you that you did the wrong thing."

    They got the message.

    But I agree, long term it only teaches the kids that violence is the way to sort out problems, especially if you're in a more powerful position and can assert your authority. I found I couldn't smack my sister's kids, I was too young and they wouldn't take it from me. I had to find other ways to manage them.

  20. trinityroyal

    trinityroyal Well-Known Member

    As others have already said, other than with very young children for immediate dangers such as running out into the road, I just don't find that it works all that well.

    I remember being "spanked" with the buckle end of a belt by my mother when I was about 10. It hurt like the dickens, but I just glared and told her that I was already as big as she was, and I was going to be bigger soon, so this was the last time. She never tried spanking again.

    My difficult child is pretty concrete, and has trouble with abstract concepts. Although we didn't use corporal punishment with him, I suspect that he would have learned that might makes right.

    With our little one, time outs work very well, so we've never had to try anything else.

    Step-d was the most compliant child ever, so it never really came up.

    Just my $0.02