Could this be due to "power surges"??

[hearts and roses]

Lately. I feel as if I have no patience or tolerance whatsoever for stupidity or negligence, ignorance or meanness. I lash out, I mean, to strangers.

The other day H and I stopped at a local market after taking the dogs to the state park. Before we left, I pulled the little pup out to pee - far from store, on a mulched median (she didn't even go) - and as I was getting back into the car, I glanced up to see a woman getting out of her car, glaring at me and shaking her head at me, as if I'd done some awful thing. Just as I yelled from inside the car, "What are YOU shaking YOUR head at?!", H hit the gas and pulled away. I looked back and she was then standing with her arms crossed, still shaking her head at me. I flipped her off. What is WRONG with me?? Why couldn't I just have let it roll off - that's what I'm always preaching to others about! Even H was surprised at my snap reaction, asking me if I was about to jump out of the car to start something. Well, the truth is I would have if he hadn't hit the gas!

This morning, I stopped at the Mobil on the way to work to grab a coffee. As I pull in behind this big box truck, going to make my left to the parking area, he stops, turns off the truck and parks it. Okay, so I glance to my right and there are two cars at the pumps and a landscaping truck parked along the back wall - barely enough space to pass through. So I honk lightly at the box truck guy and motion for him to move it along, I swear I was being nice at this point, and he yells at me while gesturing to his location that he "IS PARKING RIGHT HERE IN THIS SPOT!!!". So I immediately feel my blood being to boil, make my way past the two cars at the pumps, squeeze through the damned landscaping truck and park in the ONLY handicapped spot there (okay, so I was making a point!). As I walk in, we come face to face and I say to him, loud enough for 6 other patrons to hear, "You're a bit of a JERK. Did you hear me, JERK?" and move on to get my coffee. Jerk says nothing, just glances at me as if trying to somehow find cover. So I take it a bit further, "Oh, big man outside, but not so brave in here in front of all these people huh?" OMG, where is this coming from?? So then he says, "you should be mad at that other guy, I have a right to park there"...by now I'm shaking and just so ANGRY. Then he says, "I just came in to get a coke and a donut - you gonna be mad at me for that?" I tell him I don't give a sh!t what he's eating for breakfast, that he is a rude man and should consider inhabiting some courtesy for others. Then he made a big show about having me go ahead of him in line. I said no thanks, but ended up not having a choice as he and his apparent cohort who both snickered at my tantrum moved to the side. Whatever, I paid, gimped out to my handicapped spot and left. I hope he saw where I was parked or the tag or something.

But.....my question is: Why am I like this all of a sudden?? It's been creeping up on me for about a year or so, and at times it's barely apparent but at others, OMG, watch the heck out people. And at complete strangers who mayber were a little rude or clueless, but certainly not criminals! I will need to ask my therapist about this. Lately, I am often appalled at my responses to people. I noticed easy child is like that sometimes, so maybe it's not hormones, but still, shocking. I'm afraid of what I may say to mother in law during her visit coming up,oh heavens! I may actually tell her what I think of her~~~lol.

 

[PatriotsGirl]

Thank heavens I am not alone!! I have been this way, too. And what bothers me is I am doing it at work. Sure, I have lots to be aggravated about at work (like two co-workers that will not think for themselves and will not do one iota of work that doesn't fall under their "duties"), but it is my reaction that appalls me. I acted like a temper tantrum throwing child yesterday and I am so embarassed about my actions that I want to crawl under a rock. I was sooo much better on prozac, but the dang side effects are too much for me.

I have a feeling I may be in perimenapause and have often wondered if that is what is causing it for me.....?

 

[Marcie Mac]

Yeah, I have had more than my fair share of days like that. I think my tolerance for stupid and rude decreases evey day. I noticed I have certain triggers, especially when I am standing in line. Last thing you wanna do is hold me up cause you are talking on the cell phone - I go to a total B in 0 to 60 milliseconds and have been known to loudly announce "get off the *ing phone already-cashier is standing there while the air head digs in her purse looking for cash/credit card all the while talking getting her date/lunch/dinner plans together- line is starting to snake down the isles-I hate when people can't think and talk at the same time. I am very snarky when unknown people start wasting seconds out of my life.

FWIW, I would have done the same thing though Jo. Maybe next time it would make him think

Marcie

 

[keista]

(((HUGS)))

I'd say it's stress. I'm thinking back to the thread you started last week or so about all the WHY's in my opinion if you're not letting that stress out on husband then that's why you're suddenly letting out on strangers.

A few weeks ago, I had myself a hefty sized tantrum in Wal Mart. It took me by surprise since normally I NEVER would have let myself escalate like that in public. I had finished shopping and as usual was "done" by the time I got to checkout. The next lane opened up, and the woman finishing up in the lane I was in was refusing to move. I moved to go around her then she started moving, then I stopped to let her go, then she stopped, so I had ENOUGH and quickly moved around her to get to the open checkout. She had a little girl with her (about 7), so I was careful to go fully around them and not bump into them. Once I was already moving around/in front of them, she decide to move and had to stop short. Once I cleared them, I heard the little girl whine that "that lady almost hit me" So mom tells the kid loudly enough so that I would hear, that some ppl are "just rude that way" Well. I. JUST. WENT. OFF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! The *lady* engaged me and it went on long enough that I heard them call security over the PA. What made it worse was that the cashier on the lane I moved to was a casual friend of mine.

Honest and truly, it was out of character for me. I'm more the "ignore now and tell my friends what I 'should have done'" kind of person. Yeah, not proud of myself. I didn't share that incident with my friends.

Anyway. Wish I could have blamed it on hormones. Those certainly get me going and make me more *ballsy* than usual, but this incident was purely built up stress.

Considering the stress you've been under lately, I'm not surprised.

 

[DDD]

It could be the result of the stress and stiflying you've been dealing with this year...probably big anxiety, too. I would consider a trip to the MD and requesting low dose Ativan or something to temporarily take off the edge. You have had a terrible time lately and this likely is the result. Hugs. DDD

PS: I hadn't read that mother in law was coming to visit. How long will she be there?

 

[AnnieO]

Sweetheart - I'm nowhere near "the change" (hormonally, according to the docs) and I do that when I'm stressed. Sometimes, when I don't think I am.

From what you've posted - you're stressed.

I think DDD has the right idea. And if you need something to take the edge off for a bit, please, please go see the doctor...

 

[hearts and roses]

PS: I hadn't read that mother in law was coming to visit. How long will she be there?

mother in law is arriving this Friday and staying until next Wednesday. On Saturday we will all be squished into my car and driving to LI for H's dad's scattering of the ashes and reception with family and friends from NY (this is the funeral that just won't end, I am telling you). I am prettying up her room tonight, changing the sheets, etc. I'll probably put some fresh flowers in there Thursday evening. I am nice to her, cordial, I go out of my way to make meals I think she will enjoy and that are suitable for a diabetic. I can and will deal with it, her, the visit, the service, seeing extended family, etc. I'm an adult, it is doable. I wish easy child and difficult child didn't have to join us, but they should, it's the right thing to do and it's only one day out of their lives. But underneath all of that is the fact that she doesn't accept or acknowledge me as H's legally wed wife nor does she accept my daughters as his daughters. The woman refers to them as the daughters of the woman her son lives with - those words will never leave my head, as much as I try.

Anyway, yeah, stress, hormones, depression, frustration - it all fits!

PG, I am on wellbutrin - I think it's time for something else because it's not even touching anything. DDD, I take xanax at night. I really don't think I could tolerate anything during the day, I'm already so tired. I will have to discuss with my Dr something!

Thanks for the hugs, ladies.

 

[InsaneCdn]

Anyway, yeah, stress, hormones, depression, frustration - it all fits!

+

I'm already so tired.

=
even worse.

That's always my combo... stress + tired = trouble.

 

[DDD]

If you haven't thought about it (doubtful) she'll probably want to attend Mass when she is there. Perhaps a family outing to the church will soften her a little bit. by the way, my Ex filed for an annulment of our marriage when he wanted to marry his fifth wife (actually a really good woman) who is devout. I was shocked how easily it can be done. How's that for an unusal reply to your thread, lol. DDD

 

[hearts and roses]

If you haven't thought about it (doubtful) she'll probably want to attend Mass when she is there. Perhaps a family outing to the church will soften her a little bit. by the way, my Ex filed for an annulment of our marriage when he wanted to marry his fifth wife (actually a really good woman) who is devout. I was shocked how easily it can be done. How's that for an unusal reply to your thread, lol. DDD

Actually, this is kind of funny DDD. H and I are Catholics (non-practicing) and when we married, I was not allowed to be married in the church because I was divorced and would not pay thousands of dollars for an annulment in a church I didn't believe in anymore. Further, H had no interest in being married in any church, even after I had already considered a non-denominational church near our home. I think that is part of the reason his mother is unaccepting of both my children and me - she was raised a devout Catholic and although she's not a big church goer any longer, I know the rules are very ingrained in her very being. Her eyes were closed thoughout our ENTIRE ceremony. Maybe she was praying for divine intervention...I don't know. I don't care. It's been 15 years of marriage, 20 years of love - get over it.

in my opinion, it's rude not to accept the person your child has fallen in love with and chosen as their life partner, as well as any appendages to that relationship, in this case, my children, which my H readily accepted as his mutual responsibility and helped raise.

H says she's this way because she's a diabetic and struggles with her own clinical depression (never diagnosis'd or treated because by her own assurtions, she's got it all under control - she's a nurse, so always the nurse, never the patient). I am not buying that. I think she's mean and goes out of her way in seemingly innocuous ways to make sure she does not like or accept me or my daughters in their family.

I have no control over her or her way of thinking, though I do have control over me and my way of thinking. I choose take the high road, so I am nice to her for my H's benefit. I may complain about her here or to in real life friends or listen to my girls want to defend my honor to her, etc., but I will not stoop to her level.

I was raised NOT to be judgemental and TO BE accepting of all others, empathy is something I learned as an adult, but acceptance of others is something I learned growing up. There were culture clashes in my every day life that made it abundantly clear that we're all alike just as much as we're all different; we all come from the same place with different circumstances. I love that about humanity, actually.

Now, that said, I draw the line at her living with or near us. In the months ahead, she, along with her three adult children, will be deciding her future on her own, whether she moves from FL to nearby one of her children, to an assisted living or an adult community. If H entertains the idea of her moving near us for even one minute, I will have to speak up. I do not think I will be able to tolerate her along with my regular life of work, school, difficult child/easy child, caring for my own mother, being H's wife and running our own home. No way, no how.

And there it is again, that intolerance again, lol!!!!

 

[AnnieO]

Ummmm... Just my $0.02... But... When I was taking Wellbutrin... I was a grade-A **** ***** from ****. (Already know the board censor will kill those words, so use your imagination)...

 

[susiestar]

You, too Step? It was one of a few medications that made me worse than I was while PMS'ing. Before the hysterectomy I was the Almighty Empress of PMS Witchiness. I had so little control over it and hated it. Welbutrin was a couple of years AFTER the surgery and WOW, it was amazing.

I think stress and hormones and NOT addressing H straight on about his p-a bs is a big part of this.

My other thought is that sometimes other people don't NEED acceptance for their stupidity. It is only those of us who tell them like it is who keep their stupidity from becoming the norm for the majority of people. Usually that thought is a big clue that it is time to go back on medications or adjust/tweal/find new ones!

 

[DDD]

I'm sure you are going to be the perfect hostess. I tossed in the annulment info because it used to be a huge deal but Ex got the job done in less than eight weeks. I received a notice of the request and then whammo I received a notice that it was over. Modern living. Come to think of it I guess that means that husband and I could have a church wedding after 35 years or so. Not. Ex's is so sensitive. Called each of the adult children to assure them that the annulment did not make them illegitimate. LOL

My Mother was very old school too. I remember she cried (which was unusual) when she found out that Dad's best friend had been cremated back in the 50's. I guess that was a sin then although common now. Even "the Church" has evolved in recent generations, lol. DDD

 

[DammitJanet]

I think it is incredibly odd and rude that your mother in law cant refer to you as her daughter in law. Does she even use your real name? I mean my dad and step-mom referred to Tony as my husband when introducing him to anyone and we arent married but have been together so long. That is how we were listed in the obit for his death.

Mandy refers to me as her mother in law already and I dont correct her.

 

[hearts and roses]

Janet, when she's speaking directly to me, she calls me Jo, which is fine. When she's making introductions, she stammers until I step in and introduce myself. She has introduced me to people I have known in H's family for over 15 years, people who were at our wedding, and she will say, "And you know Jo". Ugh. difficult child's boyfriend calls me "Mom" and no one bats an eye over it. He and difficult child are not married, they just basically play house - I don't care that he calls me Mom. He calls H by his name, however. lol.

mother in law refers to her daughter's H as her son in law, etc.I just want to say that this is not an issue that keeps me up at night and I'm probably just freaking over it right now because of her impending visit. But thank you for all the support, it means a lot.

I suppose my reactions to perfect strangers and their rudeness could be related to all this koi. And is likely exacerbated by hormonal changes occurring as I type, lol.

 

[Jody]

I had PMDD, and my doctor game me Prozac and it helped, now let me quit taking it and who knows how I'de be. I should never have gone anywhere when I was close to my period. About 7-8 days before I started omg, it just wasn't safe to be around me. I would curse and scream out of my car when someone did something ignorant. If they had not sped off I would have gotten out of that car and probably knocked them a good one. I knew if it didn't get under control, I was going to be locked up. I also had the ablasion surgery and that has helped immensly. I don't have any rage anymore, just a grumpiness, or minimal shortness.

I went thru the Wendy's to get my easy child some chili before she went to church one day and they looked at me crazy when I said I needed more crackers, and they never put a spoon in the bag. I was goinjg to ream them a good one when i got up there, I wanted to throw it at the person who was at the window. easy child begged me to just politely ask for a spoon. I didn't politely ask for a spoon, but I didn't throw it at them either. I think I told easy child to shut up and I would do whatever in the h... I wanted. But I calmed down enough to ask them if we were to drink the chilli or what since we had no spoons. She was fortunate that I really didn't go off. When I started my period, I would wake up a totally different person, nice again. Then the guilt sets in, on what a maniac you have been. I would swear it wouldn't happen again, but next month.... Ugh, vicious cycle. Straight up depression, and just stress, will also cause me to go off, when I normally wouldn't. My difficult child's school is a place it has come out several times.

 

[hearts and roses]

Jody!!!!! You just described me. Thank you. Oh yeah, and my difficult child also. Oy.

 

[susiestar]

I fully agree with Janet. Your mother in law is the picture of how to be a rude and awful mother in law. My mother in law is pretty awful, but she wouldn't go that far. It seems that a lot of H's p-a behavior would be a coping skill to survive growing up in her home. I know my husband had some difficult behaviors due to his mother's insanity.

Are you able to find any triggers that lead up to these outbursts or happen just before you snap? Are there any things that seem to help you calm down or at least be able to handle it better? For me, dark chocolate was a HUGE help. Milk chocolate also helped but not nearly as much. I kept a stash of Dove dark hidden and also often kept a container of those ghirardelli dark choc chips also.

Are you aware of what your blood pressure is? It just struck me that my dad went through a period where he acted the way you are. The nurse at his school noticed the problem (he was a teacher and it was way back when schools actually had nurses) and started nagging him to let her take his blood pressure. It was quite high and when he was so upset it was even higher than the normal high level. Going on medications for blood pressure stopped the outbursts almost completely.

If you have a home blood pressure cuff, start taking it and recording the readings. Once a day is fine to get a base reading, but you also need to take your blood pressure when you are wanting to rant or lose control. After a week or two or three of recorded readings, go see your doctor if it is at all high or if it spikes to really high during an outburst. If at all possible, get a reading as you are getting ready to snap and another during or after you snap (IF you can figure out how to do that hwile you are furious - I know it isn't easy). It may show that your problem is NOT hormones, stress, idiot mother in law's or whatever. That it is medical.

If you take the readings and they are normal, then you have ruled that out pretty much. If you need medications for blood pressure, they are quite inexpensive and the $4 plans have them, if that helps.

 

[flutterby]

How long have you been on Welbutrin?

 

[hearts and roses]

Susie, I have such low blood pressure I usually have to have it done in both arms, twice, to make sure I'm actually still among the living, lol. I normally do no feel a rise in blood pressure when I'm about to rage, though I will admit that these two times, I definitely did, in fact, this week. I have a cuff and BiPolar (BP) set at home (I used to have to take difficult child's pressure and then later my mom's, so I have an adult cuff), maybe I will try that if and when the next time a rage hits.

on the other hand, maybe it is the wellbutrin. I was cutting back to wean off of it this past two weeks but then began feeling depressed so I started up normal again. Of course, that along with my usualy PMS stuff (I am due TODAY!) could all be related, don't you think? Thanks again.