could use some advice

[HaoZi]

(word I can't type here)! I'd be packing her bag for her with just what I'd allow her to leave with and hitting up the cell company's website to shut off the phone before she runs up the charges. Make sure that laptop is already locked up where she can't get to it, she may find it useful if she comes to her senses later.

 

[toughlovin]

If she comes to get her stuff, let her take her necessities and let her go. If and when she gets in touch and wants to come back, or if she just comes home, write up some kind of list of conditions for her to continue living at home. The big advantage of turning 18 for you is that you are no longer legally required to be responsible for her. So write up the conditions and if she refuses to follow them, then tell her calmly but clearly she cannot live there, she will have to leave. It is really hard to do this but sometimes it is what needs to be done. i would however do what you can to keep the door open. Certainly hang up on her if she is calling and raging at you and calling you names. No need to put up with that. But respond to reasonable texts, text her now and then, let her know you love her etc. That can really help down the road when she is ready to get help. I am very thankful with my son that I got this advice when we kicked our son out. My inclination was to just sort of cut him off and wait until he came to us.... my therapist pointed out to me that we kicked him out he would do anything he could not to come to us as a matter of pure pride. Her advice was for us to text him (not to come home, we had tresspassed him) but to let him know we cared. In the long run I think that made a huge difference and so when in trouble he did call us.

 

[DammitJanet]

Jen...I have no idea where you get the idea that depression is not a mood disorder but it is on the mood disorder spectrum. I dont want to argue the point with you but there are a whole list that start at Manic Disorder and work down through bipolar 1 to bipolar 2 and then on through others down to major depressive disorder and all of these fall on the mood disorder spectrum. No one person exhibits any of the "disorders' in exactly the same way either.

 

[klmno]

I wasn't going to argue it either- it's easy, I guess, for people to overlook that a mood disorder includes uni-polar as well as bipolar mood problems.

It's not uncommon at all for people to have depression and start self-medicating then end up with an addiction on top of the depression. Listen to any group therapy in a substance abuse or addiction treatment and that's usually what comes out....dysfunctional family, chaos in home whether sexual abuse or whatever, not knowing how to deal with own feelings, feeling like giving up.....a teen just experimenting with friends might have an occasional binge or party with friends but it doesn't get to the point of hiding bottle after bottle in the bedroom and all over the house repetitively.

 

[Jena]

so she never showed up last night. i got like 5 hours of sleep. we locked door. woke up early today called school she didnt' report their either. therapist (her's) said report her missing if this happens. such a formality at this point. so i have to in a few minutes get the cops here.

poor difficult child who was asking about her sister last night and feeling something wasnt' right now has to see cops again. all of this is so not what i pictured in raising kids.

i sat back last night and said what if i wasn't a good parent, what would my kids be doing than? i mean in all seriousness. it's like my feet in sand spinning with both of them and never getting anywhere. all pointless.

so its' really sad. and whatever parents are allowing her to stay there and not go to school really sad again. she's ruining her life and there isn't a thing i can do about it at all. very hard for me not to be able to try to fix it.

yet i gotta get a grip because i'm a mess and hurting and i have other kids that need me. yet i just love her so much and she's so in need of help. what is she thinking???

oh well, won't be a normal day here unfortunately. gotta tell difficult child now a diff version of what's going on. she adores easy child, they argue yet she looks up to her. easy child just ruined her chances at graduation by not showing up today at school after mtg yesterday it was stated tmrw's a brand new slate.

fact is when i moved out same exact age by the way, kinda creepy the whole karma thing. i had a ft job a good head on my shoulders, an apt. going to college at night. i did it because i couldnt' take the craziness of my parents anymore. it was a good decision for me.

yet this child is a mess out there right now and that's why detatching is a hard thing to do for me. i cant' imagine you guys that went thru it how you did it.

 

[Jena]

i sat here today drinking coffee and yup smoking a cig. i've been trying to quit i'd gotten down to 5 a day. this experience has clearly pushed me to smoke more .......

yet i was ready to detatch, etc. and than it clicked. for her, in this situation it isn't the right thing to do. their all diff with diff problems. yet right now she needs that push of yea we still love you, yea you need alot of help, and yea we're going to be the ones to get you there and help you, not your friends. their great yet their not family.

so i was ready to conceed, give up in a sense etc. yet i'm not built that way. it's not who i am. not yet at least. i get that i need to keep it together i have difficult child and her issues my own life etc. yet at end of day she is 17, and she's hurting bad and in self destruct mode. i'm not ready to pull the plug just yet.

so i called school, therapist. her favorite teacher is trying to reach her the guidance counselor i'm not calling the cops just yet. that'll just push her away further. we'll c what today brings. i text her also.

granted this could very likely occur again if she returns. the lines will have to be drawn that much thicker, boundaries laid down, rules if she does return. yet it's achance i'm willing to take. than if she does it again iknow i gotta detatch.

hoping something positive happens today. difficult child is all over it also. she adores easy child. being a teenager and especially one with junk to work out is not easy. i wouldn't go through that period again if someoen offered me a million dollars. she wants me to give up, wants to validate to herself that her dillussional she doesnt' matter thoughts are true. not going to happen not yet. i'm a fighter it's how i'm built. ill fight to get her back home. and if she pulls this again than i'll fight to detatch yet i wanna go one more round and see if i can make that difference in her life.

she's my little internalizer. sh'es shoved every bad thing that's ever happened to her so far down and never dealt with anything. now ti's all coming to a head in a horrible way. bad thing about the baggage we carry if we dont handle it it explodes

 

[graceupongrace]

Jena,

I'm so sorry you're going through this heartbreak on top of everything else. I know how painful it is, believe me. I would encourage you to call the police, though. They won't necessarily do anything at this point, but it's important to establish a paper trail showing you're doing everything you can to keep her safe. This is especially important with difficult child and your stepkids in the home. You don't want to be accused of "letting" easy child run wild, stay out all night, etc. when she's still technically a minor child. Obviously that isn't true, but you know what I mean? Reporting her missing is also a natural consequence. As troubled as she is, she still needs to understand that when she fails to control herself, others -- including the police -- are likely to step in and control her. I also would start calling her friends' parents.

Keep us posted. We care.

(((Hugs.)))

 

[Jena]

she's hanging with a completely new group of girls. we have zero info on them. kinda bites. we've called police i'd say about 20 times in the past. its' pointless, spoke to principal he agreed. we're going to wait it out another day. if by tonight no her than i will call. therapist wants to try to reach out she text me without the police threat hanging.

natural consequences with-her make no diff. and the cops here to be honest do not do anything at all. we have been down this road more times than i care to talk about

i had to tell difficult child today what was going on, she's really smart and started with the where's easy child again. i said easy child's upset right now probably sleeping at a friends is having a hard time, explained teens to her. i said she knows we love her and when she's ready to get better she knows where we are. send her love and that's it, release it.

she said ok and is now eating a bagel husband got breakfast early today since i couldnt' sleep. i def. wont' let it run into another night with-o calling them.