Barbara, you are such a kind soul, thank you for your sweet response.
No, my difficult child will not ask to live with us, we went through that last year.........she has 4 cats which make living anywhere a huge problem and it became unbearable for all of us when she did live with us.............finally she left on her own accord because she could not "live with all our rules." She perceives any boundaries, rules or any kind of expectation as an insult to her freedom. Plus, the tension between she and her daughter living in the same house was a little too much.
Yes, I have been disappointed many times and I imagine my difficult child has as well, but over time she has become more hardened then I am able to, so sometimes I think I feel much more then she does.
In regard to your sister's advice, I think we all go through so many different options on how to respond before we can find one that makes sense and keeps us relatively balanced with some peace of mind. I work on acceptance. I want to continue having compassion but without it turning into enabling. I have learned how to be in the presence of all of it, stay calm, not make any foolish, quick rescuing responses, mostly not be angry or full of sorrow or disappointment...........sometimes it's easier then others, but I still make acceptance my goal.
For me, it goes beyond detaching, it means no matter what, it is what it is.........and when I succeed, I can look at my daughter without all of my own judgments about her life, or my disappointments or my fear or my anger..........and see, she is who she is, this is what she's chosen. It really is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.............it's like meditation, it's a practice.
Each time there is a moment where I feel she could make a different choice and she doesn't or can't or whatever, I am disappointed less. It can still blindside me with pain, like an arrow,............ just pierce my heart, not because she took aim and tried to hurt me, that doesn't happen............just because I hurt FOR her.........my empathy. But then I have to realize that I am looking at her through MY eyes, my perceptions, not hers. She sees all of this VERY differently then I do. Sigh.
No, my difficult child will not ask to live with us, we went through that last year.........she has 4 cats which make living anywhere a huge problem and it became unbearable for all of us when she did live with us.............finally she left on her own accord because she could not "live with all our rules." She perceives any boundaries, rules or any kind of expectation as an insult to her freedom. Plus, the tension between she and her daughter living in the same house was a little too much.
Yes, I have been disappointed many times and I imagine my difficult child has as well, but over time she has become more hardened then I am able to, so sometimes I think I feel much more then she does.
In regard to your sister's advice, I think we all go through so many different options on how to respond before we can find one that makes sense and keeps us relatively balanced with some peace of mind. I work on acceptance. I want to continue having compassion but without it turning into enabling. I have learned how to be in the presence of all of it, stay calm, not make any foolish, quick rescuing responses, mostly not be angry or full of sorrow or disappointment...........sometimes it's easier then others, but I still make acceptance my goal.
For me, it goes beyond detaching, it means no matter what, it is what it is.........and when I succeed, I can look at my daughter without all of my own judgments about her life, or my disappointments or my fear or my anger..........and see, she is who she is, this is what she's chosen. It really is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.............it's like meditation, it's a practice.
Each time there is a moment where I feel she could make a different choice and she doesn't or can't or whatever, I am disappointed less. It can still blindside me with pain, like an arrow,............ just pierce my heart, not because she took aim and tried to hurt me, that doesn't happen............just because I hurt FOR her.........my empathy. But then I have to realize that I am looking at her through MY eyes, my perceptions, not hers. She sees all of this VERY differently then I do. Sigh.
