Could use some calming fibes! Urgently! Or reason to laugh!

[SuZir]

Do you remember my earlier whine about looming parent meetings for easy child's sport? Well, I'm in one now.

And if even one more perfect parent comes to me with smirk and asks didn't I have also an older son or straight out what happened him last season for him to have such a tailspin. Or worse, looks at me and starts to whisper something to person next to them, I may get violent. I really didn't anticipate quite this level of cattiness, into my face even - or me being so sensitive to it.

I know I'm awfully rude with writing this under the table with my phone, but it's still hugely better than what I would want to do...

ARGH!

 

[busywend]

What a bunch of hen peckers. Screw them! They think they are PP with easy child....little do they know......

 

[trinityroyal]

Wow! They have a lot of nerve.

One thing you can do in that kind of group, is make a pincer shape with your index finger and thumb, line up someone's head inside the pincer, and then whisper to yourself, "I"m crushing your head, I'm crushing your head." while squeezing your finger and thumb together.

Silly, but satisfying.

 

[trinityroyal]

Here are some images, in case my description didn't make sense:
http://coed.com/2009/08/14/93-im-crushing-your-head-photos/

 

[Jody]

I remember. ugh, is there an area with a window? Somewhere you can go people watch and tune them out even if they come straight at you. Oh my goodness, how rude. Hope the meeting is over soon. Can't stand people like that. They think their world and family is perfect, but tragedy or bad things can happen at anytime. Hang in there. Trying to send some good vibes, don't think I'm doing well. lol, sorry.

 

[SuZir]

Thanks Trinity! That link made me smirk! Have to probably only imaging doing that because I don't want to draw attention, but still better than nothing.

Jody, luckily this will not continue that long more and we had a good excuse to excuse ourselves from tomorrow's parts of this so it will be only this evening. And they should feed us soon, that will likely help a bit (they can't speak with food in their mouths, I hope...)

 

[SuZir]

Thanks everyone! It's over and everyone remains unscathed! I may dread the next similar meeting a little more, but I can suck it up if needed.

We were indeed fed soon (and food was good that always saves a lot) after my last message and moms and dads were reunited for that so I at least had husband. And we were saved by unexpected person. A guy who have his thumbprints all over difficult child's horrible fall came to jokingly 'apologise' us and ask about difficult child's plans and how he has been doing through his sport troubles (this guy is not only dad of one of the boys in team but still an active player and him totally owning difficult child in one game really started difficult child's athletic tailspin.) Very nice from him. Him sitting same table with us for the dinner also ended most of the smirking - not gossiping of course.

Gossips are nerve-wracking. I don't know what they are gossiping about, how much they do know. If it's just about difficult child's old transgressions, I can live with that. But how much they do know about other things, I don't know. I have been told the worst parts have not gone through the rumour mill and I certainly do hope that is true, but some of things difficult child certainly wouldn't want out is gossiped around.

To be honest I can't understand how difficult child stands it. For him it is like that all the time. Every time when he meets new people who are somehow connected to his sport. No wonder he still has so much social difficulties and dreads certain public situations and goes to hedgehog defence so easily in those situations.

 

[HaoZi]

Try having fun with husband while making them paranoid. Whisper to husband while pointing at those you suspect are talking about you, making your guesses at their diagnosis's.

"She's addicted to diet pills because her husband cheats on her with the babysitter... He drinks because she's such a shrew that they haven't had sex in seven years (or at least not with each other)... He's doing the dentist but she's doesn't know he's gay..."

 

[cubsgirl]

Oh, how immature and catty of the other parents. I'm glad you were reunited with husband. Do your best to ignore the supposedly "perfect parents" with "perfect children". You can rise above this!

 

[Hound dog]

Oh sweetie. What *itches.

Now how to handle such a thing? Look 'em square in the eye and as sweet as you can manage tell em like it is. Then turn and walk away.

It's impossible to manage "catty" when the mouse won't be bullied or made embarrassed. Know what I mean??

Once upon a time I used to have people comment on Nichole..........the way she dressed (goth/emo), her hair (dyed multiple colors), her tats, her piercings, her mouth, her school issues. For all intent and purposes Fred and I always looked the part of conservative parents. I suppose they *thought* that would make us an easy target. But you tell them enough times that you helped her shop for the clothes and dye her hair, and didn't mind the piercings, that you're rather have someone with no hair on her tongue than a "victim" kid, and that she had solved all her school issues herself.......all while grinning broadly and sweet as you please. (as if I were bragging on a typical easy child) Well, it just wasn't fun for them anymore.

I am fortunate this way. It is nearly impossible to embarrass me under any circumstances.

Any attempts I ever made to avoid such people only made them seek me out worse than before. So I fought fire with fire.

((hugs))

 

[Dixies_fire]

Had a bit of the same sort myself here lately as my whole neighborhood is aware every time the police are called and will actually pull up a chair and watch while the police handle everything mostly outside. It's hard but you square your shoulders and put your chin up and they look ridiculous because they have nothing better to do then gossip.

Their opinion makes so little difference in my life right now.

Be strong

 

[SuZir]

Problematic part of this is, that I have to worry how it reflects to easy child. If we behave, difficult child is most likely written of as a bad seed and his issues don't reflect so much to easy child. If we don't behave, it is considered 'something wrong with the family' and that is a huge red flag also when it comes to easy child. And people who do have a lot of influence over easy child's sport career would hear, if I or husband would behave in the way that would raise eyebrows in these events. As odd as it sounds, this is more important for easy child than difficult child. difficult child can live through his bad rep, easy child can't really afford one, even though difficult child is the one who deserves it and easy child doesn't.

These meetings are short moments in my and husband's life, we just try to get through them and behave exemplary way because that helps our kids. It can suck though.

At least today we have had pleasant day sailing far away from the program they had for parents for today. I'm very happy we had a good excuse to skip this day. Night on the boat and other day of sailing will likely make me feel much better. And as I said, it wasn't all bad. Food was decent and this one guy who made a fool of difficult child last fall was very nice and rescued us from having to suffer rest of the evening.

 

[DDD]

Of course, easy child/difficult child was a big topic for awhile but truthfully nobody "asked". Maybe it was because "they knew" and/or maybe it was because I was old enough to be their Mom. on the other hand, I have read that the best response is a question that is asked in a perfectly innocent fashion. "Why would you be asking about our son when you don't even know him?"

If asked innocently the emphasis then is switched to the gossiper. I think it's a great response. The only other one that I expect would be effective is "God blessed us with two children who fortunately are not carbon copies of one another. Different as they are...we love them both!" DDD

 

[SuZir]

Thanks DDD! I have to keep that in mind and revamp it a bit to be more fitting to here. I really like an idea of reflecting it back to them. I did have some success with very matter of fact and literal answers and pretending I didn't get the cattiness. I mean, when someone for example smirked and asked, if we also have an older son, I did tell them that yes, easy child is indeed our baby and we do have also an older son who is three years older than easy child, smiled pleasantly and shut my mouth. It did make it more difficult to carry conversation further. I can act enough to pull pleasant and unrattled demeanour in these situations (thank you granny, I may never become a fine lady, but thanks to her, I can pretend one quite well) and try to do so if possible. These situations can still be very taxing mentally.

 

[SuZir]

I missed your post Hound Dog, sorry.

The reason we can't actually tell the truth point blank or take a stance that it is, what it is and we are not embarrassed is, that those things are not ours to share. And even admitting those parts that for example everyone in that meeting likely already knew could bite us/difficult child to a**. Our lawyer was firm on not talking about certain things anywhere that could be considered public. We have very different publicity and privacy laws than yours and difficult child is protected by those in some important ways (for example any media can't publish his private life issues with his name. They have done it without names and they hint, but they can't publish certain claims and difficult child's name together, or we could, and would, sue and it does make a difference especially for his later life and career after he leaves sport.) Talking publicly about his troubles could in some point cross a line of giving permission to publish them. Better safe than sorry.

I asked later if husband had felt the same cattiness than I with other dads. Not quite as bad, but he had been uncomfortable. And that tells a lot. You have to understand that husband is like fish in water in these type of meetings. He has been very involved with easy child's sport and former club team, has gotten awards for it, is very enthusiastic about the sport. And more than that, he is extremely social and likes all kinds of social gatherings, enjoys meeting new people and get to know people. He really likes parent meeting like thingies. If he was uncomfortable, he really had to feel cattiness too. It stinks! These should be adults and parents, being catty about other people's troubled child who has done absolutely nothing to them personally, or anything so morally disgusting that they should care, is rather low if you ask me. I do hope again, that it was mostly a situational and not all those parents are really jerks. After all, my easy child is spending quite a lot of time with their boys.

 

[DDD]

Coincidentally we have neighbors who have lived sports with their only son. They are very involved in their church group and other than the Dad's job that is the focus. God, Sports and Job. The kid is handsome, polite and has been part of the All Star teams that have gone to the World Series the past two years.

Yesterday in the paper it listed the All Star Team. He was not listed. I suppose it is possible that his name was left out by accident. I suppose it is possible that he is going off to do teen missionary work. Sigh! It triggered my PTSD from when easy child/difficult child was left off the team due to one insane coach. That commenced out road to S.A. etc.

Of course I won't inquire. I really hope I'm wrong. The adults in youth sports are so often PIA's. DDD

 

[susiestar]

The thing that truly helped me get through these sort of meetings was knowing, truly KNOWING, that the reason for the cattiness was because these people had so little going on in their own lives that they NEEDED to look to my life and whatever little tidbits they could scrounge up to entertain themselves. they had so little brain power that they could not occupy themselves in any way except to point fingers and poke fun of those who did have interesting lives and enough going on that they didn't need to entertain themselves with others fortunes, good or bad. It allowed me to smile broadly and confidently and write them off as too small minded and boring as to be worth my time.

And trust me, LOTS of people tried the point and giggle thing over the years. By the time I had Wiz I was firm in my absolute refusal to allow those people to upset me or take up space in my head or my heart. Gfgbro was SOOOOOOOOO outrageous (riding his bike or walking around town with no clothing on when drunk/stoned was just the START of the things he did!) and while many adults did not connect him to my parents, they ALWAYS connected him with me. Esp the cops and the people who taught or worked at the high school here in town. He only went to the high school for one year, but he was memorable enough that it took more than the first year of high school for me to establish my own reputation.

These people ALL,every single last one of them, are ashamed of something and have something similar to what Trinity pointed out going on. NONE of them are immune. NOT ONE.

These are hard meetings to sit through, and you must follow the lawyer's advice, but remember that they ALL are hiding something and their cattiness is a cover for their shame and their fervent prayers that no one ever would learn and poke fun at their secrets.

 

[dstc_99]

I smash their cars in my head on the way home. LOL When I am parked in the parking lot I will watch them pull out turn my wheels their direction and say "crunch". LMAO it is such a kid thing to do. BUT the kids think it hillarious when I crunch cars at stop lights and in parking lots.

 

[SuZir]

Yes, adults in youth sports (and music) tend to be PIAs quite often. I think it's because we end up over invested.

In this occasion, seriously over invested. Let's face it, there were bunch of people who had used much more money and even more time than they ever care to count to their kids hobby. Who had last decade (or longer in case of having also older kids in sport like us) been up at six at weekend mornings because their kid's sport, sold more coffee, candy and toilet paper or cookies than they can count. And fund raised other ways till they were blue. Sat in cold more than they ever wanted. Planned all their weekends and holidays around kids sport for that decade. Nixed plans for family vacations because time and money goes to the sport. Done many other sacrifices. And most of those kids are at the height of their athletic career just now. There are few, who will make a decent living from it for a decade or two. Maybe one or two, who will make big money. For others, it is the experiences, learning to win and lose graciously, learn value of hard work, learn to be a team mate. Active lifestyle. Not small things at all. But let's face it, all that our easy child could have gotten from scouts and some lower calibre sport just as well, with tiny part of the cost in both time and money we have put to his sport.

We are the lucky ones to whom the sport has paid back. Not only is difficult child one of those who has a chance to make a living and maybe even more, if he gets lucky. But more than that, it has given him focus and motivation and those are worth every penny and second we have used. Even if only thing easy child ends up getting would be those sportsman skills, which of course are invaluable too (but could be achieved with lower cost just as well.)

That kind of over investment to child's hobby tends to bring worst out from adults. I have seen same also in music and I bet it is the same with almost any competitive activity that demands a lot from family.

 

[InsaneCdn]

That kind of over investment to child's hobby tends to bring worst out from adults. I have seen same also in music and I bet it is the same with almost any competitive activity that demands a lot from family.

Yup.
The more the parents "pay", the more they expect "payback".
Any "Olympic" sport is that way... swimming, diving, running... music more than art, racing (as in alcohol cars, cart racing etc.), horses... take your pick!

We've managed to stay out of that rat-race, difficult child's interests (and abilities) are not athletic at all. Thank goodness.