couldn't deal with it today...

[buddy]

Unfortunately PMS hit and sure enough like last month (though this is a little early... darn peri stuff....) I got a headache I couldn't shake all day. So I took Q to get his AVE unit and I got to do a session beside him while we were learning it again. He also had an eeg/biofeedback session. We then went to therapeutic horseback riding.

After we went to my sister's house for her birthday and Q did great. First family gathering since the birthday incident (when my other sister didn't give him his gift because he was having a hard time at the restaurant at the end/transition time....then the next day she showed up at our house and gave it to him)... It was the first time in a long time he was just perfectly Q the whole night.

So, School called while we were in the AVE session and I ignored them. Cant talk and disturb him, besides they were letting me do it too to try it out.

Law advocate (C) called and said they want to have a big meeting with the director of sp ed and the principal... I dont know who else. I finally just asked Cindy if we can just dump the school staff and see the sp ed director since he is not going back there... I just dont think I can even face people who let someone hurt my son. I am finally past the shock and just so upset. I was actually unable to feel anything for two days and now it has really hit me hard and I dont think I have ever been so angry in my life.

I had to sort through what I was feeling and imagine his going back there. I used to be afraid of what little things could go wrong but now if I imagine him there I am TERRIFIED of what will happen to him. I have worked with tough adults and kids for most of my life and I have never hurt anyone. It is all so surreal.

So I imagine him in this SUN program and there is less fear but a general anxiety that he will come out much worse then he went in. I would LOVE to be wrong... and would happily eat all my words/fears for lunch if I was proven wrong. But every time I dont trust my gut I regret it.... look at where we are now... I should have pulled him a month ago and I blew it.

I just dont know what to do...

His neuro is going to talk to the lawyer. C wants doctor to say that it would be detrimental to Q to go back to the middle school after what happened due to his history of ptsd. (he still flinches and reacts to any sudden movements toward him and is likely what happened in part because Q has not waivered in his belief that psycho came AT him...and was angry). If so then I could get home bound until I figure something out. A friend just wrote to me and said not to do the autism school. another teacher friend just told me the same yesterday because one of my former students went there and they see NO improvement at all (he is deaf too though and I doubt they use fluent sign with him... sigh)

I think I will finish the app and turn it in so I can tour and decide for myself.

C says that a district just south of us has much more options. If they accept open enrollment depending on space they have taken harder cases from our home district. Our dir of sp ed , I heard, called this director and got very angry with her... for taking their bread and butter one year. but this director says that she has gone to talk to many other districts to discuss their innovative programs and they complain that the costs would be too high but she shows that they do it so not really necessary. We are talking to them on Tuesday.

So even though C wants them to think the meeting on Wed will happen (she and I will meet tuesday to discuss the incident report and suspension report along with options)... but I told her I just dont want to meet with them. I dont think she fully understands that I have never felt this intensely about anything and I see no point in meeting with people who will have NO more contact with my son. I feel chest pain that goes into the right side when I think of it too much so I have had to stop several times today and just do deep breathing etc. I have had moments of upset etc... this is so totally different to me. I had no idea I could even feel like this. I know i would lose it, either just cry or scream and either way it would be dumb because all they want to do is tell me how awful my son is. I can't listen to them justify their actions when he is five feet tall and 113 lbs and both of these guys are double that at least. No way he should have a bump and a rug burn from a CPI hold... just no way. They took two days to write the report so you know they ran it by the lawyer and made it look ok no matter what really happened so it will be worthless I am sure.

 

[TeDo]

Oh, sweetie, I am so sorry. I know how it feels when it "hits" you. Boy, do I know that. I saw principal in the grocery store the other day and I'VE been having PTSD since. The immense hatred I feel for the people that did that to my son. I understand completely having that "unfamiliar" feeling. You're hurting (and beating yourself up for not having ESP) and what you are feeling now is completely normal. Right now I'm feeling the same way about that cop. I have "visions" of doing what I would really like to do to him (but would NEVER have the guts to do it, DUH).

I just don't get these people either and your "Momma Bear" is coming to life. Your intense need to protect Q from ALL harm. THAT is what we are supposed to do isn't it? The trouble is neither of us has ESP so we can never be 100% SURE of anything. We just do the best we can with what we've got and hope for the best.

Let C go to the meeting. Explain to her EXACTLY how you are feeling. I'm sure she will understand as much as she is able. Let her be your voice at that meeting. Let HER at 'em. Let her do her job.

If you need to talk, I'm up. Probably will be for awhile. I am thinking of all the things I have to do before court and all the records I need to get yet. Just realized I NEED to get the paperwork from difficult child 1's ER visit that night. That doctor specifically said "he's not a danger to himself or others". If that's the case, WHY are charges being pressed in the first place. THAT will also help our case.

Call me if you need to. If nothing else, we can cry on each other's shoulders.....literally or figuratively.

 

[susiestar]

((((((((((HUGS))))))))))

I totally understand how you feel. It is how I felt when I realized that the elem school teachers were ridiculing WIz so much that he wanted to kill himself. I wanted to go kill them. Slowly. Painfully. With LOTS of torture and NO mercy. Except I actually wanted to ALMOST kill them, so they could linger iwth disability and extreme pain for decades. I worked through that desire, and maybe I will go to Hades for it, but it is how I felt. Esp as what they were making fun of him over was not being able to correct THEIR mistakes. The teacher's mistakes. He was 7.

PLEASE call your doctor or go to a clinic to get some medications to help you through all of this. Anxiety medications would probably be a real help right now, esp with a meeting set up where you would see them. Let the doctor know if you can't afford the fee or if you can't afford medications or can only afford ones on the four dollar list.

Of course Q is flinching and showing signs of PTSD. Get those documented by whomever he has appts with this week. You have it to, most likely. I am glad C is such a great advocate for you and Q!

 

[lovelyboy]

Buddy....all this just sound so painfull!!!!
Please look after yourself, Q needs you.....
I missed the insident regarding Q being hurt.....it sounds terrible! I will try and go through the old posts, to find out what happened!
I so so wish I could come over and go with you to schools, meetings or what ever to make your burden lighter!!!!!
Will it be possible to maybe right a letter that C could read in the meeting? Or even if you HAVE to be in the meeting, wright everything down...read it to them and then ask to be excused?
Lots of hugs!!!!!

 

[hearts and roses]

Oh, Buddy, I'm so sorry for how you're feeling.

I agree with tedo, i think you should tell Cindy in detail exactly how you're feeling and let her go in your stead, let her be your voice (and request a copy of the minutes from the meeting for your records).

Gentle hugs. It sickens me that the people we entrust our children to can be so harmful.

 

[DDD]

Sending supportive thoughts and hugs. I have not lived through your experience but felt those intense feelings when my son was thrown under the bus by "the system". Your feelings are valid and actually as painful as it is to "be" where you are I think it is healthier than trying to stifle your emotions. I do hope you find the right environment for your son soon. DDD

 

[Ktllc]

I am not familiar with all the procedures, but what would be the point of you attending the meeting?? Like you said, Q will never see those people ever again.
Let the advocate do her job. She is not emotionally invlved (or at least not to your level).
Do you have anything in you life that does not revolve around Q? Could you take a yoga class? A cooking class? Or whatever you think would be fun and relaxing? If you can't afford that, how about making a habit of taking a walk in your local park, neighborhood? You need to take care of yourself.
I know how it is to stop your brain sometimes, but try to find something. I found a new one for myself: making puzzles. Real soothing for me.
And do what you are doing already: quality time with Q.
You are in my thoughts everyday.

 

[keista]

((((HUGS)))))

I totally agree that you should NOT meet with any of these ppl again. The only point to such a meeting is to "get passed" the incident and move forward without them getting into any trouble legally or financially. Translation: Lets make nice with mama and we'll be in the clear. been there done that. My situation wasn't anywhere near the seriousness of this one, but the same principle and actions on behalf of the "team"

I hope the school you find will be much better.

 

[exhausted]

Buddy,
I am so sorry. I am glad you are able to get those feelings out now. I'm actually glad you are mad. Hurting your boy was in no way excusable. And yes I understand the PTSD thing-we live with it every day. These events just bring it closer to the surface and make it more acute.
You are such a giver. Always so kind on this board and all the time you spend with Q. You deserve to be able to say,"Nope, this is not a meeting I will attend". It is pointless. Do something for yourself. ((Hugs))

 

[buddy]

Thanks guys.... I will update you today. I meet with the advocate today to review everything. Our home psychiatric and the new coordinator are coming with me to sit with me at the meeting. That makes me feel better...Four on our end of the table.

Plus, advocate talked to our doctor and she is writing an order to keep him out of school. She is also talking to the hospital clinic advocates because she did not report to child protection because she knew I took him out and we had the law center on it but then she thought after talking that this guy should be reported. She needs to check to see if it will be used against us that she waited a few days. I suspect he will say to call . She knew he was not in immediate danger because I had him in my care and would not let him go back.

So, advocate says they now will have to provide home bound education to meet all of the services on his IEP. Should be interesting.

Q may say no way because of course he wants to go to his school. I am not telling him yet that is not happening because I want a plan first. He does seem to think he wants to go to the other school since he knows he might not go back to hte middle school and he has seen it already. That alone may lead my decision but I need to know he is not going to be exposed to restraints of other kids there. He has been known to jump in and rescue kids who are experiencing that and then to kick off himself. Not for years (except the hospital) because he has not been in a school where anyone was going through that... When he was in third grade they were restraining a little girl who was yelling "help me help me" so he went and jumped on the teacher's back. thought it was all a game. They held that over my head for three years. Well, you know, he jumped on a teacher. (they were on the floor by the way, one big wrestling match) He really is not much more mature than when he was in third grade so he is better off not around those scenes.

So, I will let you know what I find out. Ugg.