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Parent Emeritus
Couldn't stay detached, messed up; now I'll pay for it in more ways than one
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<blockquote data-quote="recoveringenabler" data-source="post: 701411" data-attributes="member: 13542"><p>Well, don't take any more of the "one more chances". <em>Throw any quilt you have away, you've done enough</em>. From now on, this is on YOUR terms, not hers. And, you're right, don't downplay your own life, in fact, focus on <u><em>your</em></u> life, focus on <u><em>you</em></u> and what <u>you</u> love and want to do, that shift alone will make a huge difference. We spend way too much time focusing on our adult kids, it's their life, their destiny, they get to choose it......you've already parented her, she's a grown up, an adult.........it's YOUR TIME NOW.</p><p></p><p>McDonna, my daughter used to act in the same fashion........until<strong><em><u> I </u></em></strong>changed. Like you with your daughter, my daughter and I had a "script" of behaviors that we both had gotten used to utilizing...... she made demands, treated me badly and I, in my old enabling role, would be "nice" and try to calm the waters, usually giving her everything she asked for. We were in a toxic pattern where I had absolutely no power and she had it all. I got involved in a 2 year codependency course which literally, changed my life. I got to see the behaviors laid out in front of me, I got questioned by the therapists asking me WHY I responded that way, offering me very different ways of looking at the issues and very different ways of responding or in many cases, NOT responding. I took it all in, I did everything those therapists asked me to do, and it wasn't easy, but that support pushed me into a very different reality. In addition, the warrior parents on this site were offering me new ways of seeing, new ways of responding........</p><p></p><p>Once I changed the dynamic, everything changed. My daughter began treating me with respect. She stopped asking me for anything because I became an expert in saying NO. She started appreciating me for simply being her mom, not for what I could do for her. She is still odd and leads a strange lifestyle, however, our relationship has taken a 180 degree turn. She tries to give to me as much as she can. I'm often still in awe of how much it all changed. It didn't only change with my daughter, it changed everything else too because I literally began focusing on myself, on what my needs and desires are. I made some interesting life choices which were not always easy, but in the end, were so healthy and good for me. I got ME back.</p><p></p><p>I'd like to remind you that YOU have <u>all</u> the power. With new boundaries, support, saying no, insisting on being treated with respect and dignity, and using my favorite boundary, <em>refraining</em>, things will shift pretty quickly. Perhaps not without some negative responses from your daughter, but if you hold on to your guns, that will pass. </p><p></p><p>You've got all your ducks lined up nicely, I think, for you to leap into the land of detachment fairly smoothly. You seem very ready. I was ready too, I just needed to hear different ways of responding...... at times I actually said to the therapists, "You mean I can say that??", I had no idea I had that power, it was eye opening. I had to learn a new way of parenting because the old way clearly wasn't working.......and one quote which made a difference for me is, "people treat you exactly as you allow them to treat you." Yikes. </p><p></p><p>Hang in there, I think you're doing a wonderful job, you seem really ready to let go.........go for it!</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="recoveringenabler, post: 701411, member: 13542"] Well, don't take any more of the "one more chances". [I]Throw any quilt you have away, you've done enough[/I]. From now on, this is on YOUR terms, not hers. And, you're right, don't downplay your own life, in fact, focus on [U][I]your[/I][/U] life, focus on [U][I]you[/I][/U] and what [U]you[/U] love and want to do, that shift alone will make a huge difference. We spend way too much time focusing on our adult kids, it's their life, their destiny, they get to choose it......you've already parented her, she's a grown up, an adult.........it's YOUR TIME NOW. McDonna, my daughter used to act in the same fashion........until[B][I][U] I [/U][/I][/B]changed. Like you with your daughter, my daughter and I had a "script" of behaviors that we both had gotten used to utilizing...... she made demands, treated me badly and I, in my old enabling role, would be "nice" and try to calm the waters, usually giving her everything she asked for. We were in a toxic pattern where I had absolutely no power and she had it all. I got involved in a 2 year codependency course which literally, changed my life. I got to see the behaviors laid out in front of me, I got questioned by the therapists asking me WHY I responded that way, offering me very different ways of looking at the issues and very different ways of responding or in many cases, NOT responding. I took it all in, I did everything those therapists asked me to do, and it wasn't easy, but that support pushed me into a very different reality. In addition, the warrior parents on this site were offering me new ways of seeing, new ways of responding........ Once I changed the dynamic, everything changed. My daughter began treating me with respect. She stopped asking me for anything because I became an expert in saying NO. She started appreciating me for simply being her mom, not for what I could do for her. She is still odd and leads a strange lifestyle, however, our relationship has taken a 180 degree turn. She tries to give to me as much as she can. I'm often still in awe of how much it all changed. It didn't only change with my daughter, it changed everything else too because I literally began focusing on myself, on what my needs and desires are. I made some interesting life choices which were not always easy, but in the end, were so healthy and good for me. I got ME back. I'd like to remind you that YOU have [U]all[/U] the power. With new boundaries, support, saying no, insisting on being treated with respect and dignity, and using my favorite boundary, [I]refraining[/I], things will shift pretty quickly. Perhaps not without some negative responses from your daughter, but if you hold on to your guns, that will pass. You've got all your ducks lined up nicely, I think, for you to leap into the land of detachment fairly smoothly. You seem very ready. I was ready too, I just needed to hear different ways of responding...... at times I actually said to the therapists, "You mean I can say that??", I had no idea I had that power, it was eye opening. I had to learn a new way of parenting because the old way clearly wasn't working.......and one quote which made a difference for me is, "people treat you exactly as you allow them to treat you." Yikes. Hang in there, I think you're doing a wonderful job, you seem really ready to let go.........go for it! [/QUOTE]
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Couldn't stay detached, messed up; now I'll pay for it in more ways than one
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