Hi Lil, I have been reading along. Actually I see the cup half full. I see your son as living on his terms, which is half of what you want. The missing pieces, I know so well, are major, goals, attitude, follow-through.
So what is the 50 percent that he is doing: solving problems (today he is solving his temporary living situation), he has quasi independence in that he does what he wants, when he wants it, he is working, he is able to make "friends" -- not who we might pick but hey, he is 20.
In handling his living situation he is already responding to natural consequences; I believe he will do the same in every other sphere of his life.
I kicked my son out 3 years ago. Somebody else took him in, but it turned out that he used that time to secure SSI.
Am I in love with the idea that this monthly SSI payment funds his marijuana and not much else. No. But, whose business is it? Not mine.
We do not get to choose Lil what are our adult sons' goals.
You may remember that my tenure on this board began just one month ago. I was frustrated when my grand plan to push my adult son into enrolling in internet classes did not work, (imagine that). My genius (read desperate) idea was that I simultaneously enroll in some of those same classes so that I could prompt (read whip) him into succeeding at
my goals.
The ways in which I was wrong, Lil, stun me.
With respect to neurological testing, I share your frustration, Lil.
I sought out psychiatrists as my son grew up. When he was a toddler, we saw a neuropsychologist.
Perhaps it would have resolved something, had I dragged him to a neuropsychologist as a teenager when I still had control. I think not.
Our sons' issue is one of will, as you say.
Fortunately or unfortunately they are young men who want to be autonomous, self-determining people....
but long still to be affectively tied to strong, nurturing and in my case indulgent mothers.
But he WON'T go. And even if he would, he is the sort of person who would simply blame everything on it. He wouldn't learn to function with it. It would become an excuse. "I can't hold.a job because I have Aspergers."
That is exactly what happened in our case. Not Asperger's, but other diagnoses. I am seeing belatedly that if he chooses to base his life defined by and defining himself by limitation and not successes, this is his choice to make, not mine.
Increasingly, however, I think he is deciding to change. He bought a wallet. He bought a cell phone and connected it. He identifies with people who function and make healthy choices and thinks he is like them, not the druggies. It's a start.
But he could change his mind if he gets sick and tired enough.
Yes, Childofmine, that is the hope. But I recognize now this is his choice to make.
And you know, Childofmine, as I tighten the boundaries I am feeling less pain, less depressed, even happy, more relaxed.
First, you have to detach for you. Then for him. And he may decide to do something different or not. The main thing is it has to be for you first. That is vital.
Is it not a process, COM? I detached 3 1/2 years ago for me. But then I slipped about 20 times, thinking that enabling him could work. It never did.
That is what he needs to figure out. We can't do it for them and expect things to change. His life may never be what you dreamed for it to be. The longer we hold on to those expectations the longer everyone stays stuck.
Their lives may not be what we dreamed for them, but is this not better?
I had my dreams...they were a hundred times more than anybody thought I could be, attain. Even me. I exceeded my own expectations for myself exponentially. Why? I grew. At each juncture of disappointment and crisis, I made a decision.
(I had nobody to help me. But looked at another way, I had nobody to stop me.)
And each decision at each choice point, I made from a position of greater wisdom, confidence and strength.
Is that not what we want for our sons, Lil, and are they not doing it? At least the baby steps of it?
