Court tomorrow - pray......

[standswithcourage]

Thanks! (smile)

 

[DammitJanet]

If you are going to UNC...wave at me if you are on 95! I am right of exit 17 in Lumberton!

 

[Hound dog]

Atta girl Susan!! You go and have some FUN. You deserve it.

 

[PonyGirl]

Good Job Susan! A 10-day jail sentence sounds pretty minor, but I'm wondering if difficult child doesn't have a permanent address to give the Dept. of Corrections upon his release, or if he gives them the address of the family & someone there has a past record, they may not release difficult child after all.

Or, that may be the point where difficult child is ordered to go into a rehab facility or half-way house or some such.

In any event, NONE of this is YOUR problem! Stay strong, stay detached. Go and be with people you love and enjoy your moments.

Peace

 

[witzend]

Pony, things must be different where you are at than where I am. They don't give a rip where they release people to here. If the put you on parole and you don't have anyplace to go, they give you an ankle bracelet and ask which overpass you plan to sleep under. You have to report more often, but they don't give a hoot where you are.

 

[standswithcourage]

I think they think the same way in Greenville. They dont give a rip. Obviously with the sentence being so lame. I cant believe they didnt court order him. I am trying to talk to the Judge that sentenced him and see if he can do anything - but is that not staying out of it?! Sometimes this feels so against everything I have ever thought I was supposed to do for my family. I never thought I would just turn my back and walk away when they dont havae anywhere to go. I always thought you found them a place to go first and then let go. This is so hard for me. But I know I cant take him back home this time. We have done that time after time with no better result. He will probably say he will go to rehab, etc., and then I will feel and wonder if I am doing the wrong thing again. I know my husband will not let him come here but sometimes he operates like he doesnt have a heart!

 

[Star*]

I think they think the same way in Greenville. They dont give a rip.
THEY DON'T HAVE TO - IT'S PRODUCT IN PRODUCT OUT.
Obviously with the sentence being so lame. I cant believe they didnt court order him.
THAT WOULD DEPEND ON HIS OFFENSE. WAS THIS 1ST OFFENSE DRUG RELATED OR 2ND OFFENSE DRUG RELATED?
I am trying to talk to the Judge that sentenced him and see if he can do anything - but is that not staying out of it?!
NO, THAT'S NOT STAYING OUT OF IT - BUT YOU HAVE TO ASK YOURSELF IF YOUR SON WANTED HELP COULD HE NOT HAVE SPOKEN UP IN COURT AND ASKED THE JUDGE HIMSELF FOR HELP? IF YOU DO GET THE JUDGE TO LISTEN TO YOU - WHAT WOULD YOU ASK? ARREST HIM? HE'S ALREADY BEEN TO COURT. COURT ORDER HIM TO DRUG REHAB? HE'S ALREADY BEEN TO COURT. IT MAY BE SOMETHING YOU COULD DO -BUT AT WHAT COST TO YOUR TIME, NERVES AND WHAT IF YOU GET AN ANSWER FROM A JUDGE LIKE i JUST GAVE YOU? BACK TO SQUARE ONE - A MOTHER ASKING VS. AN ADDICT ASKING IS TWO SEPARATE THINGS. MAYBE YOU WOULD FIND A JUDGE WHO CARES? THEN WHAT? (JUST ASKING BECAUSE I'M NOT SURE WHAT YOU WOULD ACCOMPLISH BY TALKING TO A JUDGE.
Sometimes this feels so against everything I have ever thought I was supposed to do for my family.
YES - THERE ARE MANY OF US WHO FEEL LIKE YOU DO AND WE NEVER STOP LOVING OUR KIDS - BUT IF THE CHOICE IS WALK AWAY FROM HIM SO HE SEES WE ARE SERIOUS OR STAY AND FIX THINGS - THEY NEVER LEARN TO FIX THINGS FOR THEMSELVES. EVER. SAD, BUT TRUE.
I never thought I would just turn my back and walk away when they dont havae anywhere to go.
HE HAD A PLACE TO GO, HE DID NOT FOLLOW YOUR RULES. YOU CAN NOT KEEP DOING THE YO-YO PARENTING - IT'S BAD FOR HIM AND YOU AND EVERYONE. AND YOU'VE TRIED IT - AND IT DIDN'T WORK. TRYING IT AGAIN WON'T MAKE IT WORK - IT JUST MAKES IT LONGER FOR HIM TO GET ON HIS OWN AND FIX THINGS FOR HIMSELF. YOU'RE NOT TURNING YOUR BACK ON HIM - YOU'RE SAYING I LOVE YOU ENOUGH TO STEP OUT OF YOUR PROBLEMS SO YOU CAN FIND SOLUTIONS FOR THEM AND FEEL LIKE A MAN - NOT A CHILD. YOU'RE STILL HIS MOM, HE STILL HAS A FAMILY, HE STILL HAS LOVE - HE'S JUST NOT GOING TO CONTINUE TO RULE YOUR HOME UNDER HIS RULES AND MAKE YOUR LIVES A TORNADO. THAT HE CAN CONTINUE TO DO ELSEWHERE.
I always thought you found them a place to go first and then let go.
THEY ARE SUPPOSED TO FIND THEIR OWN PLACE - THE LONGER WE (ME INCLUDED) FIX THINGS FOR THEM - THE LONGER IT TAKES FOR THEM TO DO IT ON THEIR OWN, FIND THEIR OWN WAY - AND IT MAY NOT BE AS NICE AS WHAT OUR MINDS PICTURED - BUT IT'S THEIR WAY - UNDER THEIR OWN MAKING FROM THEIR OWN CHOICES. TUFF TO BE A MOM WITH A KID LIKE OURS. AND LETTING GO? -NEVER - JUST ALLOWING THEM TO GROW UP IS ALL - WE'LL ALWAYS BE MOM
This is so hard for me.
YOU ARE NOT ALONE - IT'S HARD ON ANY OF US THAT HAVE DONE IT. HUGS
But I know I cant take him back home this time.
NOT THIS TIME, NOT NEXT TIME - NOT ANY TIME. NOT UNLESS HE IS SOBER, WORKING, HELPING OUT IN YOUR HOME OR PAYING HIS WAY AND HAS AN EXIT DATE WITH A PLAN. THINK ABOUT IT LIKE THIS - DO YOU REALLY WANT HIM TO BE LIVING IN YOUR HOME WHEN HES 52 AND YOU'RE IN YOUR 70'S? (SOUNDS LIKE MY X) HIS MOM DIED AND HE CAN'T FIGURE OUT HOW TO SURVIVE - SAD REALLY - A 52 YEAR OLD DRUG ADDICT, ALCOHOLIC, WOMAN BEATER - LIVING FROM PLACE TO PLACE NEVER HAVING ANYTHING AND NO FAMILY BECAUSE MOMMY NEVER CUT THE STRINGS AND LET HIM BE A MAN. i DON'T WANT THIS FOR YOU!

We have done that time after time with no better result.
THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF INSANITY.
He will probably say he will go to rehab, etc., and then I will feel and wonder if I am doing the wrong thing again.
IF HE GOES TO REAHAB - GREAT FOR HIM AND YOU. IF HE DOES NOT? DETACH, DETACH, DETACH. WE'RE HERE FOR YOU.
I know my husband will not let him come here but sometimes he operates like he doesnt have a heart!
HON - ITS NOT THAT HE DOESN'T HAVE A HEART - IT'S THAT HE LOVES YOU AND HE LOVES HIS OTHER CHILDREN AND HE LOVES HIS SON, AND HE HAS A HEART AND LOVES HIS SON OTHERWISE HE'D JUST KEEP SUBJECTING YOU ALL AND HIMSELF TO THIS INSANITY. OUR KIDS CAN LITERALLY MAKE US NUTS. I'M GLAD HE'S BEING STRONG - I DON'T SEE THAT AS HEARTLESS. FEELS LIKE IT I'M SURE BUT FROM AN OUTSIDERS POINT OF VIEW? HE'S REALLY DOING THE BEST THING FOR YOU ALL - HONEST

strength stands!!!!!!!!! strength!!!!!!!!

hUGS
STAR

PS I'M NOT YELLING - I JUST WANTED TO MAKE SURE YOU SEE MY TYPE IS DIFFERENT TO ANSWER YOU!

 

[witzend]

You're catching on, Susan. Talking to the judge is not staying out of it.

The thing is, he does have someplace to go. He can go to a halfway house or a rehab or many places that he doesn't want to go to because he can't do drugs there. He will want to come to your house because no matter what the rules are, he will do drugs there, and he will steal or connive money from you. You have already found places for him and let go, and he walked away from them. If he says he will go to rehab, wish him luck. If he says he has nowhere to go, wish him luck.

He's a resourceful man and he always finds someplace to go. In all of the stories you have told about him, you have never said, "He had to sleep on the street." He will find a place to go. He always has and he always will.

Set yourself free.

 

[standswithcourage]

Thanks all you smart people. You give me strength by just reading your posts. I will be strong and I will not let him comehome - I know it. Star - thanks for answering all my questions in my head! I appreciate that because it answers the things that I keep thinking over and over and I know you and Witz have experienced them and are strong - along with a lot of others. I am just glad I know you!

 

[Hound dog]

Susan, you've been doing so much better. I know you're trying hard. But Star is right, you most certainly don't still want to be in the middle of this mess when difficult child is 55 and you're in your 70's.

My mother in law, bless her heart, spent her life "helping" husband. Her intentions were pure and good. If he was short of cash, she'd give him money. If he had no where to live, she'd let him come home. If he couldn't pay bills, she'd pay them. Even once he was married with children.

My husband still can't handle responsibility at 61 yrs old. Although he is being forced to by me. I put a stop to mother in law's help about 10 yrs ago, even though it made life much harder on myself and my kids to do so. Why? Because it wasn't fair to mother in law. And by "helping" she was only making it worse, despite her good intentions. husband would have svcked her dry if I'd have let him continue, never learning anything because he didn't have to.

And I force husband to handle the bills. Heaven help him if one doesn't get paid cuz his ears will burn for a week. And I make certain HE is the one to do without when a bill doesn't get paid. Our power/water/gas/phone getting shut off now is a rare event.....instead of an every other month occurance.

Trust me. They don't learn if you hold their hand.

You can do it Susan. We know it's hard. But you can do it.

Hugs

 

[BusynMember]

If he has noplace to go it's because he doesn't like his options. He's not ready to give up drugs so he won't go to a rehab. I'm reading a really good book about a rehab and the doctor who runs it. The patients are all varied, but the bottom line is nobody can make any of them detox and most don't. Some do and turn their lives around, but it's a brutal process that is very painful and requires a doctor's help, not yours. He will never detox as an outpatient or at home--he has done drugs for too long and is too addicted. I doubt he cares where he sleeps. He just wants his drugs. There is nothing you can do other than destroy your own life trying to help him. Why would a judge even listen to you? He's a MAN now, and nobody but you will think of him as a "poor, misguided kid." The older he gets, the less sympathy he'll get, although I suspect he isn't getting much now. NOBODY can go on this journey with him. It's something an addict has to do alone. And it takes uber-motivation. What is the point of talking to anyone about anyplace? At his age, he will never be forced to stay, and he will just walk out. You know that.
Stay strong. You have a life outside of this son.

 

[standswithcourage]

Thanks all. I will go ahead with my plans. I will. I will. I will.

 

[witzend]

Good girl, Susan. As court was last week and you are moving on from it, may I suggest you start a new thread? The posts here no longer apply to the topic.

 

[Dollhouse]

I'm so sorry you're going through this -- I have no advice but please know your are in my thoughts.

~Doll