court

[WhymeMom?]

Just heard from my son today. He had committed some crimes at the end of May and found someone to bail him out. We did contact a lawyer for him as he was up against a repeat offender sentence (which could have gotten him 30 yrs. to life). The lawyer has been working on a plea of four years--two with good behavior....then NO parole....they have finally figured out it doesn't work with him. Our difficult child will be going to the state prison in October some time to start the two year sentence.....he doesn't seem all that upset and considering what could have happened two years was more than fair.....

I keep hoping our difficult children "get it" and give up the drinking.....it just leads to trouble and when they sober up nothing in their lives has changed for the better.....

Meanwhile the rest of life goes on......

 

[TerryJ2]

{{{hugs}}}

 

[SunnyFlorida]

From your description Janet, it doesn't sound like a private attorney could have gotten Ant any better deal than the PD got for him.

I'm so sorry. I wish our kids were different. I wish we didn't have to go through this.

sending gentle hugs.

 

[ML]

What a day! Please take some time to take care of yourself.

 

[mrscatinthehat]

Been away from home but I have been thinking of you. Take care.

Beth

 

[DazedandConfused]

I'm just so sorry.((((hugs))))

 

[Sunlight]

I think I am more disturbed than ant. ant feels he got a good break, and I am sure he did. he is ready to go. what bugs me most is that no matter what the big consequences were for things he did, he went ahead and crossed that line, each time with more scarey results.

I have two male cousins who are 45 ish. they both have been in and out of jails and state pens. they are both still drunks, carousing with women, have kids to multiple people that they dont support, and are living on people's couches....at that age.

both talked to ant at the family reunion as both are presently out of jail. for now. both told me that prisons do not help and only made them more angry. the money they earned is docked, they have fines they can never repay. they both have skills, one is a carpet layer and one is a cement finisher. they look older than their years, they are brothers.

ant almost seems like he is telling everyone he is going and will be back by next yrs reunion. I remember his calls and crying on the phone while in jail. I remember his misery and the noise and smells of jail, the claustrophobia, the bad food.

I do not want Kaleb to visit him in jail. I do not want to visit. I dont want to pay for calls. I want a normal life. I am embarrassed that those who know me and my coworkers know he is going back. I kept quiet about it yesterday and hibernated with only boyfriend. today will be the same and I have to go back to work tomorrow.

I am tired of his life. even if I step back, I cannot avoid knowing where he is headed. who wants that for their son? Ant already owes thousands to two other counties, he will owe thousands to this one as well. he can barely pay his rent now let alone more fine pyts of several hundred dollars per month. when he gets out, he will have an even bigger hill to climb. I will store his possessions and furniture, so at least this time he will have that.

he doesnt seem all that upset either. yet. even if they keep him for one or two yrs it doesnt matter, he was confined for most of the last 8 yrs. this past year was his only yr of freedom since he was 16. he still drank nightly, and lived on the edge.

I intend to continue getting Kaleb two weeks a month like I have since his birth. His mom had threatened to move out of state and never let me see him again but I warned her she had better share him or I will go for Grandparents rights and hunt her down like an animal. I am getting him Sunday again. I feel for him too as people are sure to tell him his dad is a jail bird. esp his mom.
sigh.

 

[TerryJ2]

I am so sorry. I know you must be so frustrated right now. Take a deep breath and, as you pointed out, detach, detach, detach. You can only control certain things, so focus on those. Take care of yourself.

You know how, since ant is an alcoholic, AA would tell him to take it one day at a time? Instead of fretting about the future, watching his blood relatives ruin their lives and predicting ant's outcome, YOU need to take it one day at a time, too. Take a deep breath. You've got a life, and yes, you deserve a normal life.

{{hugs}}

 

[Sunlight]

Terry, my frustration comes from ant not believing he has a problem even in all this. he just says everyone does stuff but he is unlucky because he gets caught.

the cousins sound the same, even though they are so drunk they can barely stand as they stand there and whine about their unhappy lives. meanwhile they are of a family of 10 children. the others work and live normally and have much bigger physical challenges etc. ant seemed to idolize them. one was telling him to save up because you can buy your own TV in prison. it was unreal.

I think ant is enjoying the attention, I am sick of hearing about it all. I cant even talk to him and dont have to be around him at this point so that is good too.

I do detach from rescuing him. I do not help him with money. However, as a parent unless you are a stone, your mind and heart get boggled by the misery your child is about to face. Ant seems oblivious to it all. he just doesnt get it. people who know me ask me about him all the time. it is like a circus sideshow I dont want to be a part of. My neighbors ask, the coworkers, my dear patients who have known me 26 yrs. ant himself will be crying with despair the minute he is walked out of the court and into a paddy wagon. he doesnt care about AA because he doesnt think he is an alcoholic.

I am going outside and having a peaceful day of riding my tractor and mowing, pruning my flower bed, sipping iced tea. not answering the phone.

 

[AllStressedOut]

I'm so sorry for what you're dealing with.

I can only imagine how hard this is to relive everytime someone asks you about Ant.

I hope today you get some peace working in the yard and sipping ice tea. (((hugs)))

 

[Big Bad Kitty]

Terry,

You took the words right out of my mouth. Here is another AA-ism that applies quite nicely in this situation.

Instead of living in the problem, live in the solution.

Problem: Your son is in jail, and you don't want to bring HIS son to see him there, and you don't even like the fact that he is there (and nobody is blaming you for that. Nobody wants their child in jail).

Solution: You get to be with that precious grandson every other week. Make the very best of it. Help him draw pictures for daddy. Make a handprint for daddy. Send daddy lots of Kaleb mail. You might just aid daddy in wanting to do right by his son when he gets out.

How Ant is acting now (like he will be out in a year, or that this is no big deal) is very likely his defense mechanism. He is probably feeling way worse about the whole thing than he is letting on. Don't let how he acts bother you. Detach, detach, detach.

Kaleb's mom may very well tell him that his father is a jailbird. I had to tell Tink that her father is in jail. The sad thing was the lack of reaction that I got from her. These kids are SO desensitized.

Continued hugs and prayers for your mommy heart.

 

[tpcmom]

Ohhh, Janet, what a mess. I do understand what you are saying. Being in denial is the worse especialy when you know and everyone else knows they have a problem but they don't. My difficult child was freakin out on me yesterday, then says he is sorry, and when I say it's the stuff you take, he is like defensive no it's not, yada yada yada. Yes it is, he is like 2 different people. Yes I heard about Camp Hill being where they all go to, and that's where they kind of figure out what type of person they are, they get their physicals, etc. there. Most likely he'll be upstate, but I don't know how close that will be for you, for me it's like 4 hours away.

My difficult child wants to do the open-plea now. This gives him a better chance, we'll get to speak, myself and he can have other character witnesses for him. Hopefully this judge won't be in a frame of mind like your's was. Maybe she will take pity on me and send him to a rehab type place instead of a state prison that we all know isn't the right place for someone who has substance abuses, which I believe Ant also should be in something like that, not just a holding zoo for people.

I'm going to PM you too.

I'm sorry you had to go thru this, it really . I can understand what you mean about having a normal life. I've never had one, and I didn't go thru half of what you did with my difficult child, because he never went that far. But he was lucky, this is his real first offense. but he could have had a lot more. It catches up to you, they just don't see it. We have another court hearing on 9/11 of all days.

Bette

 

[LittleDudesMom]

Janet,

I read yesterday but didn't have time to post and wanted to get back to you.

You know, I totally agree with you on the "unless you are a stone" issue. I have never really understood how detachment works with your child other than knowing you are not responsible for their actions. I guess I could say don't worry, but that would be contrary to your personality.

In regards to the fines and his future, by law they can only deduct a certain percentage from his actual take home pay - naturally it is to insure you can live on the remainder. So, he will probably be paying for years and years. I take money out of several of my employee's pay and they still retain a good amount when I take the maximum allowed by law.

As far as your sweet grandson goes, I would ask what Ant thinks about your stance on Kaleb not visiting, but I believe Ant has pretty much screwed up his parental decision making rights. You do what you feel is best for that little boy.

Enjoy your plowing and harvesting!!!!!! Your in my thoughts and prayers.

Sharon

 

[Sunlight]

ant says he will get someone else to bring in Kaleb if I wont. he cares more about himself than kaleb most times. they actually made a handbook for families of inmates so you know what to expect:
https://web.archive.org/web/2009052...lib/bis/Handbook_for_Families_and_Friends.pdf

 

[Sunlight]

bette, check on this for your son:
http://www.pacode.com/secure/data/037/chapter451/chap451toc.html

Pa has an IPP (intermediate Punishment Plan) where they can do their time not in jail but by participation in an intense program of education while working and living in halfway or 3/4 houses or even under house arrest.

ant did not qualify as he has violated probation in the past and also eluded police.

 

[tpcmom]

Janet, I printed out both docs. I figure maybe I should look into the Families and Friends thing just in case, then I'll be prepared.

OMG what we mothers have to endure!

Bette

 

[DDD]

How tragic is Kaleb. I'm so sorry that the child has no parent
that has a you-know-whattin' clue! DDD

 

[everywoman]

Janet, I am so sorry that ant doesn't get it. Sometimes I think it would be better if as parents we just stopped hoping for a breakthrough---other times I wonder how does one live daily with the drama without hope! It makes me sick and tired. I teach at the high school in a small town. Everyone knows me. Everyone knows my children. I have started just telling the truth about it all....my son has made some bad choices...he is suffering the consequences of his choices. Tripp made a statement last night that he is ready to just violate and serve his time and get it over with. It's too hard to function out here in the real world when you have no skills and you have burned every bridge. How sad it is that at 19 he feels like it is all over!

 

[standswithcourage]

I have been through some of the same things as you. I know how hard it is to just want to escape to somewhere you dont even know anyone. My neighbors wont even speak to me now because my difficult child tried to climb up on the air conditioner when he was drunk one time and scared them and they called the police. They have not spoken to us in a year. My son went to court today. My husband went with him - they did not lock him up but fined him again. How can he pay all this with just a job at Pizza Inn? I dont know how anyone expects things to be Normal when things are always so crazy. My son has made the same comments about violating and just doing the time and getting it over with so he can be free. I have told the truth too. People gossip and they think everything is so hush hush - but when you tell the truth and know that it is not your fault sometimes they just look at you like they dont know what to say! I teach school too. when you are honest they cant talk about you because you told the truth. It is only when you keep it hush hush that they talk.

 

[susiestar]

hugs honey. no questions. sometimes it takes people a really long time to grow up. at least while in jail systems of some sort Ant seems to get his head on a bit straighter.

What he does or does not do, YOU are a wonderful person. You are loved by many who wish nothing but the best for you and your family. We KNOW you have done your best. We KNOW that whatever you do will fit the situation and be what you can handle. First be kind to yourself, then to kaleb and boyfriend. Ant and Kaleb's mom are adults, though not mature. You can only be a supportive role in Kaleb's life if you are in it.

by the way, exactly WHO does ant think will drive Kaleb to the jail if you won't?? Kaleb's mom?? I think not. then who???

If you feel it is a bad place for Kaleb to be, then don't take him.

You might want to look into the work of Dr. Glasser. Choice Therapy and Reality Therapy. My mother in law teaches this all over the world IN PRISON SYSTEMS. They work with inmate who have NO chance of ever being released, but who have decided to change their life anyway. I have a feeling my son will need more of this as he travels through life, and I do have one of the books. I found it fscinating. My mother in law actually teaches men and women in prison how to help counsel other prisoners (ones who have a chance to get out) how to cope, how to make choices and deal with REALITY. It is wonderful stuff, for when you want to look into it (IF you do). I have been very impressed with the results in one of hte women's prisons here in OK. I can find out if there are any programs in your state, if you want.

Hugs and help planting and mowing. Maybe you and Kaleb can plant a tree for his daddy. Something to tend when you can't tend your son. You could even hug it. I know a woman who found this helpful.

Hugs hugs hugs

Susie