court

[Star*]

Dear Janet,

Part of me wants to tell you I'm sorry for Ant. The other part of me sits here with tears in my eyes, because I'm really sorry for you - Ant's Mom.

I think over the years I've found myself able to receede into a new state of mind or hardness of heart with my son. Everytime he does something else I'm left with this feeling of "Well do you feel sorry for him and face the wrath of others around you who keep the name calling going OR do you put on a mask of concrete and stand around saying all the usual defensive words (he'll never learn, he did this to himself, these are HIS choices) so that others will just leave you alone to cry when you get a minute."

Then there is the other part of me that over the years with counseling has evolved into me actually believing MYSELF when I have put on the concrete mask. I found that if I started to cry or feel the least bit sorry for my son and his situations I would get pummeled by others who really had - had enough of it all. Saying mostly they were tired of the way my sons actions and behavior affected me. In other words they washed their hands of him and encouraged me to do the same.

I hear the pain in your voice. It's all too familiar to me not to recognize. I am sorry for the situation Ant's alcolholism has placed him in. I would not want to be an alcolholic. After living with one I prayed my son wouldn't be one. Or a drug addict, or an abusive man. And he isn't. He just keeps doing stupid things and eventually the concrete mask wont be a put on. It will be for real for self preservation I fear.

I'm truly and deeply sorry Janet from the bottom of my understanding heart for you AND for Ant.
Hugs & Love
Star

 

[lovemysons]

"I am tired of his life. even if I step back, I cannot avoid knowing where he is headed. who wants that for their son? Ant already owes thousands to two other counties, he will owe thousands to this one as well. he can barely pay his rent now let alone more fine pyts of several hundred dollars per month. when he gets out, he will have an even bigger hill to climb. I will store his possessions and furniture, so at least this time he will have that."


I heard you Janet. I wish Ant would wake up and realize the decision to drink is not one he can afford. I so hear your mommy heart hurting for what will be. I felt the same way the day I took my oldest difficult child to turn himself in a year and half ago. I knew the horrible tales. And even when I visited him in County he had outbursts and threatend suicide etc. I had to walk away and leave at times in tears headed to an Al anon meeting. Somehow someway that 20 year old of mine has survived and seeing him just a few weeks ago reminded me that he is stronger than I realized...I think Ant is too. He will survive and I don't know WHY things must happen as they do. My easy child always says "things happen for a reason"...she always has faith that even the "bad" can be turned into good. We never know what "may have happend" otherwise.
I hold onto that...I always want my son alive and still reasonably healthy enough to start over...no matter how big the hill to climb. I wish this same for Ant. I think maybe this could be G-ds way of preventing something even far worse than is.

You and Ant are loved by many.
Tammy

 

[Wishing]

I am sorry to read what you went through with your son. It sounds mentally and physically exhausting and daunting i.e. harsh judge.You need a good month of pampering and uplifting activity. My prayers are for Ant to have insight.He has matured and grown a lot but the alcohol still has a hold on him.I am holding good thoughts that Ant gets through this with more wisdom and Kaleb continues to grow as healthy little boy. Hugs.

 

[PonyGirl]

Just catching up here janet. So sorry for all the bad drama. You and ant remain, as always, in my heart.

As the days pass, please let me know if there is anything I, or difficult child, can do for you or for ant. Volunteering once again to write letters. I know I didn't come thru on that before too well, but I'm willing to try again.

Maybe the prison system will bring the miracle.


Peace

 

[SunnyFlorida]

Don't know where my other post went. Maybe it's here and I just don't see it. Janet, please know and believe that you've done everything humanly possible to help Ant. Maybe you can take comfort in the "they're wired differently" philosophy. Maybe he will take longer to "get it". Maybe he'll be able to learn positive traits in prison and then succeed when he's released, maybe he's just wired differently.

Your love for him doesn't change.