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<blockquote data-quote="Marguerite" data-source="post: 407679" data-attributes="member: 1991"><p>Jena, I'm actually seeing a lot of light breaking through here. You did good with that CPS person. I'm glad you said what you did about your reactions before and what you were going through. The thing is - that CPS person got the full picture form you and the family, is going to be able to confirm it with everyone you've told her to talk to. A complaint investigated and resolved in your favour is actually better on your file than never having had a complaint made at all. I know that sounds crazy, but it is. </p><p></p><p>Whoever made the complaint - it is a horrible feeling in the pit of the stomach to not know. But whoever it is, was either motivated by genuine concern coupled with ignorance (they haven't a clue what is really going on, to them it really does look like bad parenting - they're looking from afar) or it's someone who is convinced that what you have told them is not true; that you are lying about actually getting help because you are a bad parent. In their minds you didn't just traipse halfway across the country with difficult child to get her help, you were probably in Vegas running the money through slot machines. Or something.</p><p></p><p>So - either it's someone genuinely concerned but totally ignorant, or it's someone who you have annoyed who wants to 'get' you. I'm betting the former is far more likely - anyone who would behave badly by using CPS will not be able to do it for too long. CPS would have a person's name on file if they've made complaints before. Too many complaints made by that person which are unfounded would mean that increasingly, repots from that person would be automatically suspect.</p><p></p><p>I thought CPS confirmed the latest complaint was "from the school"? The previous one you suspected was the neighbour who had that run-in with easy child. And given how easy child was behaving to you when you returned, I suspect if you had been in that neighbour's shoes you'd have made a call yourself. Or at least been tempted to. Then there are the parents of easy child's "friends" who are trying to distance their own kids from easy child's actions. If they can make out that easy child is bad news and that you are a bad parent, they can absolve themselves of any responsibility for their own kids being a bit off the rails. So if their kid later on gets busted for drugs or shoplifting, they can blame easy child's bad influence, totally ignoring the possibility that it was their kid who was the bad influence on others. It's a way that some people go to great lengths to absolve themselves of personal responsibility.</p><p></p><p>Whatever it is - try to not let it get to you. A tall order, I know. Somewhere out there is someone who you know by name, know by face, who you feel has stabbed you in the back, and at a time when you already have more than enough to deal with. Not knowing who you can trust and who you can't, is a horrible feeling. I've been there - not just with CPS (been there too) but with not knowing who to trust.</p><p>I had/have a stalker, a former friend. He is a neighbour, he is a worry. I do not fear he will do me personal harm, but he has in the past spread nasty lies about me (also about others) disguised as concern. A friend who was diagnosed with MS lost a lot of muscle tone. He harangued her (she talked to me about it) and he also harangued me about her - "She is not eating enough, she is wasting away, she has anorexia! We MUST make her eat! She will DIE!" He told everyone in the town, including her family and her children. Not cool.</p><p>This guy has taken any information about me and twisted it similarly. For example, I take pain medications under the supervision of a pain specialist. He knew this (from when we were friends). At one point he actually wrote about me (in a note labelled 'strictly confidential') "It's no wonder she's so unstable, given the drugs she is addicted to." </p><p>Other times, often something I had confided to friends, innocent information, was coming back to me twisted horribly. I didn't know which of my friends had talked to him. I made it clear to my friends - anyone sharing information about me to this guy would be cut off. But he is a skilful interrogator and always couched it in terms of concern. So I took the only other path I could - I cut off ALL my friends, from access to information about me. I became intensely private. Church workshops on stress management, or other stuff - I didn't go. I stayed well away. I told them why, people were horrified. By this stage the bloke was accusing me publicly, via a local doctor, of having Munchhausen's by proxy. Here, that can get your kids taken off you, so fast your head will spin. Especially if it's a doctor saying it. This doctor used to have coffee with my neighbour.</p><p>I am still good friends with the people I know, but some information I keep intensely private. My medication, for example - I learned that the hard way. Interestingly, one of my best friends is one who people regularly told me was the person leaking - she is one I know I can trust. She has been privy to personal information about me that has stayed private.</p><p></p><p>Jena, you and I have this site here on which to vent and be open. Not everybody has this. So keep information about your family's hassles and treatments private for a wile. Obviously let people know what they need to know, but other than that - don't give details of the problems. Clam up. Then watch and wait. The less information is out there, the easier it will be to spot the leak.</p><p></p><p>Example - I had clamped down a lot on info, but one day after church I shared with a friend that my hours at work had been eased back because we had a quiet spell; I was to have two weeks of break before things went back to incredibly busy again. This was normal in the job, I had earned my break and was looking forward to a rest. My friend had no reason to keep this info to herself. She did not go out and blab, but she went for coffee afterwards and my ratbag neighbour was there, apparently. An innocent question, "Have you spoken to Marg lately? How is she going?" undoubtedly resulted in my friend sharing, "She was just saying that her work hours have been cut back a bit, she's looking forward to a break," and the rumour began - I was about to get fired.</p><p>I heard the rumour within hours, I had not spoken to anybody else. Leak identified (I was going to say, leak nailed, but if you nail a leak it gets bigger - lol!). My friend who leaked - she was not the problem. I was the problem, I should have said nothing, if I cared about what could be said as a result. My friend had no vested interest in shutting up about me - if I was OK to say it to her, then in her mind, the information was public domain.</p><p></p><p>People have less investment in maintaining your privacy, than you do. NEVER tell something to someone and swear them to secrecy. It does not work. The best way to keep a secret is to tell nobody.</p><p></p><p>BUT - here is where you can use it. If you lock down all info, then deliberately leak one little bit and sit back and wait. Listen. When you hear it back (however distorted it might have become) you will have a good idea where the leak came from, if you only told one person.</p><p></p><p>If you move, the problems will move with you, if they are unresolved. They may even multiply. People are people. They are human. Wherever you are. The only one you can control, is you.</p><p></p><p>Marg</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Marguerite, post: 407679, member: 1991"] Jena, I'm actually seeing a lot of light breaking through here. You did good with that CPS person. I'm glad you said what you did about your reactions before and what you were going through. The thing is - that CPS person got the full picture form you and the family, is going to be able to confirm it with everyone you've told her to talk to. A complaint investigated and resolved in your favour is actually better on your file than never having had a complaint made at all. I know that sounds crazy, but it is. Whoever made the complaint - it is a horrible feeling in the pit of the stomach to not know. But whoever it is, was either motivated by genuine concern coupled with ignorance (they haven't a clue what is really going on, to them it really does look like bad parenting - they're looking from afar) or it's someone who is convinced that what you have told them is not true; that you are lying about actually getting help because you are a bad parent. In their minds you didn't just traipse halfway across the country with difficult child to get her help, you were probably in Vegas running the money through slot machines. Or something. So - either it's someone genuinely concerned but totally ignorant, or it's someone who you have annoyed who wants to 'get' you. I'm betting the former is far more likely - anyone who would behave badly by using CPS will not be able to do it for too long. CPS would have a person's name on file if they've made complaints before. Too many complaints made by that person which are unfounded would mean that increasingly, repots from that person would be automatically suspect. I thought CPS confirmed the latest complaint was "from the school"? The previous one you suspected was the neighbour who had that run-in with easy child. And given how easy child was behaving to you when you returned, I suspect if you had been in that neighbour's shoes you'd have made a call yourself. Or at least been tempted to. Then there are the parents of easy child's "friends" who are trying to distance their own kids from easy child's actions. If they can make out that easy child is bad news and that you are a bad parent, they can absolve themselves of any responsibility for their own kids being a bit off the rails. So if their kid later on gets busted for drugs or shoplifting, they can blame easy child's bad influence, totally ignoring the possibility that it was their kid who was the bad influence on others. It's a way that some people go to great lengths to absolve themselves of personal responsibility. Whatever it is - try to not let it get to you. A tall order, I know. Somewhere out there is someone who you know by name, know by face, who you feel has stabbed you in the back, and at a time when you already have more than enough to deal with. Not knowing who you can trust and who you can't, is a horrible feeling. I've been there - not just with CPS (been there too) but with not knowing who to trust. I had/have a stalker, a former friend. He is a neighbour, he is a worry. I do not fear he will do me personal harm, but he has in the past spread nasty lies about me (also about others) disguised as concern. A friend who was diagnosed with MS lost a lot of muscle tone. He harangued her (she talked to me about it) and he also harangued me about her - "She is not eating enough, she is wasting away, she has anorexia! We MUST make her eat! She will DIE!" He told everyone in the town, including her family and her children. Not cool. This guy has taken any information about me and twisted it similarly. For example, I take pain medications under the supervision of a pain specialist. He knew this (from when we were friends). At one point he actually wrote about me (in a note labelled 'strictly confidential') "It's no wonder she's so unstable, given the drugs she is addicted to." Other times, often something I had confided to friends, innocent information, was coming back to me twisted horribly. I didn't know which of my friends had talked to him. I made it clear to my friends - anyone sharing information about me to this guy would be cut off. But he is a skilful interrogator and always couched it in terms of concern. So I took the only other path I could - I cut off ALL my friends, from access to information about me. I became intensely private. Church workshops on stress management, or other stuff - I didn't go. I stayed well away. I told them why, people were horrified. By this stage the bloke was accusing me publicly, via a local doctor, of having Munchhausen's by proxy. Here, that can get your kids taken off you, so fast your head will spin. Especially if it's a doctor saying it. This doctor used to have coffee with my neighbour. I am still good friends with the people I know, but some information I keep intensely private. My medication, for example - I learned that the hard way. Interestingly, one of my best friends is one who people regularly told me was the person leaking - she is one I know I can trust. She has been privy to personal information about me that has stayed private. Jena, you and I have this site here on which to vent and be open. Not everybody has this. So keep information about your family's hassles and treatments private for a wile. Obviously let people know what they need to know, but other than that - don't give details of the problems. Clam up. Then watch and wait. The less information is out there, the easier it will be to spot the leak. Example - I had clamped down a lot on info, but one day after church I shared with a friend that my hours at work had been eased back because we had a quiet spell; I was to have two weeks of break before things went back to incredibly busy again. This was normal in the job, I had earned my break and was looking forward to a rest. My friend had no reason to keep this info to herself. She did not go out and blab, but she went for coffee afterwards and my ratbag neighbour was there, apparently. An innocent question, "Have you spoken to Marg lately? How is she going?" undoubtedly resulted in my friend sharing, "She was just saying that her work hours have been cut back a bit, she's looking forward to a break," and the rumour began - I was about to get fired. I heard the rumour within hours, I had not spoken to anybody else. Leak identified (I was going to say, leak nailed, but if you nail a leak it gets bigger - lol!). My friend who leaked - she was not the problem. I was the problem, I should have said nothing, if I cared about what could be said as a result. My friend had no vested interest in shutting up about me - if I was OK to say it to her, then in her mind, the information was public domain. People have less investment in maintaining your privacy, than you do. NEVER tell something to someone and swear them to secrecy. It does not work. The best way to keep a secret is to tell nobody. BUT - here is where you can use it. If you lock down all info, then deliberately leak one little bit and sit back and wait. Listen. When you hear it back (however distorted it might have become) you will have a good idea where the leak came from, if you only told one person. If you move, the problems will move with you, if they are unresolved. They may even multiply. People are people. They are human. Wherever you are. The only one you can control, is you. Marg [/QUOTE]
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