She was going to go to court this morning, but I have a bad feeling she did not. The plan had been to discuss not only the order of protection, but requesting another hearing to more specifically lay out the visitation etc.
She does want to go through child support enforcement to get her payments, but they are backed up and it apparently takes several months to get the process really started, that's why she didn't request it in the first place. As long as he is to keep paying her until that process is in place I think she should start it anyway, but she was going to find that out, too.
The protective order is something she's needed for a long time. The problem is, she keeps doing things like letting him into her apartment (as recently as yesterday!!).. so it is of no use until she is ready to absolutely put her foot down. She has also been reluctant to contact the domestic violence people, although her therapist and I and even a court services person have been urging her to do it for well over a year now (when she was actually still dating the baby's father, it was really frightening. I honestly thought he might kill her). All I can do is keep reminding her, as gently as I can without pushing her away. She has the numbers, the contact information. Her therapist and I have each offered to go with her. She just has to say yes.
I read a lot about domestic violence last year, trying to understand WHY she wouldn't just kick this jerk to the curb. Her dad was definitely an abuser, but nowhere near as bad as her baby's father is. I can't comprehend staying with someone who does the things he's done (e.g., once he drove her, against her will, down dark country roads, threatening to drive them both into a tree. He stopped and threw her out of the car, driving away, then came back adn drgged her back in the car, saying he'd kill her if she didn't get back together with him. She wouldn't call the police. Didn't even tell me about it until the next day).
What I learned was that it's like Stockholm Syndrome... the victims become somehow connected to their captors (abusers) ... it's a bizarre psychological bond of need and control. I didn't find a whole lot of information to help the families of victims, just help for the victims themselves, which was a bit frustrating . What I did find talked about the need to be careful NOT to keep blaming the victim for staying, telling them they are crazy for staying, because it reinforces what the abuser is telling them.. they are crazy and messed up and can't do anything right (boy do I remember that kind of abuse). The best you can do is just be there, reminding the victim that you love them and will be there no matter what. MAN that's hard.
I liked the comment someone made to my previous post.. about gently reminding her, when she calls to complain/vent about what the baby's father is up to now... that she knows what she needs to do to stp it. And she does, believe me. I just wish I knew what it would take to get her to do it. I can say, it's better than it was before, and at least that's something.
Both of my difficult children have this issue of not doing what they "need" to do to fix something. It's why I sometimes get frustrated with people who respond to my ventings with "she needs to do [this or that]." I know it's well-intentioned.. and sometimes there are great suggestions and I learn new things for myself, so don't stop... but the bottom line is, I ccould give each of them a list of what to do to fix their problems, and they still have to WANT to do it. No go, for either of them, most of the time. So, here I sit, frustrated.
And re-learning detachment skills over and over.
This got much longer than I intended, but there it is.
