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General Parenting
Crazy thoughts, needing some guidance from experienced parents!
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<blockquote data-quote="slsh" data-source="post: 569840" data-attributes="member: 8"><p>Hi Blueknight - you are definitely not the first nor the last parent to have these thoughts. My difficult child was extremely violent both at home and in various RTCs. I can't say I ever really worried about him killing anyone in his immediate family (though my mother, who lives in a different state, was terrified that he would come after her - not sure why, but she was really very scared of him). We had safety plans for every one in our home, had altered the environment (knifes/sharps locked up, nothing purchased without considering it's use as a weapon - like lamps, furniture, toys, etc.), and at the time I felt confident in my ability to prevent him from getting past me (I was an invincible mom). But also, he left for his first Residential Treatment Center (RTC) at age 9, and was home for a grand total of about 6 months after that up to age 18. </p><p></p><p>Did I worry about him hurting someone in the community as an adult? You bet. My biggest fear was that something simple and innocuous would set him off and he'd unleash his wrath. He did injure a teacher, and I'm certain gave staff members a lot of bites and bruises over the years, but to the best of my knowledge, he pretty much quit going after people around age 17. </p><p></p><p>I can't say medications ever really toned him down a lot, but he did go off all medications at 18 and ... while it was a hairy couple years after that, I don't think he was a danger to the community. To himself? Yep. To others? Not to my knowledge (but he wasn't living here then). During that time period, the best case scenario in my mind was he'd end up in jail, worst was that we'd be getting a call to come and identify his body.</p><p></p><p>Your son is 12, really still a baby, with a whole lot of learning and maturing left to do. I understand your fears and, in my experience at least, I think they're normal for a parent of a violent kid. I mean, really - you can only go by what your son has shown you thus far, and it's scary.</p><p></p><p>In my son's case, I think developmentally he was lagging a couple years. When he hit 18, we refused to allow him to come home (long story, but basically he thought he could just wait us out, not work his treatment plan, and then come home at 18). I don't know all the details of his life after that, but there were drugs, a lot of nights living on the streets, eating at shelters, etc. The end result though was that at age 20 the light bulb finally went on and he started living within the rules (for the most part) rather than expending so much energy to try to get around them. Today he's in college, living at home, and is virtually unrecognizable as the same kid who was so uncontrollable 10 years ago. </p><p></p><p>I think he still has some mental health issues, but one thing that actually did work was years and years of therapy. He's extremely insightful and is (for now) managing both his anger and depression without medications or therapy (though no question I think he would benefit from both). I do not worry about him being safe in the community.</p><p></p><p>I think you have to listen to your gut today in terms of safety issues. Don't make items that can be used as weapons easily available to him. But I don't think it's necessarily an indication of how your and his life will be in 10 years from now. I really can't emphasize enough that age 12 is still so young emotionally - he's got a lot of cooking to do.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="slsh, post: 569840, member: 8"] Hi Blueknight - you are definitely not the first nor the last parent to have these thoughts. My difficult child was extremely violent both at home and in various RTCs. I can't say I ever really worried about him killing anyone in his immediate family (though my mother, who lives in a different state, was terrified that he would come after her - not sure why, but she was really very scared of him). We had safety plans for every one in our home, had altered the environment (knifes/sharps locked up, nothing purchased without considering it's use as a weapon - like lamps, furniture, toys, etc.), and at the time I felt confident in my ability to prevent him from getting past me (I was an invincible mom). But also, he left for his first Residential Treatment Center (RTC) at age 9, and was home for a grand total of about 6 months after that up to age 18. Did I worry about him hurting someone in the community as an adult? You bet. My biggest fear was that something simple and innocuous would set him off and he'd unleash his wrath. He did injure a teacher, and I'm certain gave staff members a lot of bites and bruises over the years, but to the best of my knowledge, he pretty much quit going after people around age 17. I can't say medications ever really toned him down a lot, but he did go off all medications at 18 and ... while it was a hairy couple years after that, I don't think he was a danger to the community. To himself? Yep. To others? Not to my knowledge (but he wasn't living here then). During that time period, the best case scenario in my mind was he'd end up in jail, worst was that we'd be getting a call to come and identify his body. Your son is 12, really still a baby, with a whole lot of learning and maturing left to do. I understand your fears and, in my experience at least, I think they're normal for a parent of a violent kid. I mean, really - you can only go by what your son has shown you thus far, and it's scary. In my son's case, I think developmentally he was lagging a couple years. When he hit 18, we refused to allow him to come home (long story, but basically he thought he could just wait us out, not work his treatment plan, and then come home at 18). I don't know all the details of his life after that, but there were drugs, a lot of nights living on the streets, eating at shelters, etc. The end result though was that at age 20 the light bulb finally went on and he started living within the rules (for the most part) rather than expending so much energy to try to get around them. Today he's in college, living at home, and is virtually unrecognizable as the same kid who was so uncontrollable 10 years ago. I think he still has some mental health issues, but one thing that actually did work was years and years of therapy. He's extremely insightful and is (for now) managing both his anger and depression without medications or therapy (though no question I think he would benefit from both). I do not worry about him being safe in the community. I think you have to listen to your gut today in terms of safety issues. Don't make items that can be used as weapons easily available to him. But I don't think it's necessarily an indication of how your and his life will be in 10 years from now. I really can't emphasize enough that age 12 is still so young emotionally - he's got a lot of cooking to do. [/QUOTE]
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