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Creative approach or neglect?
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<blockquote data-quote="Mattsmom277" data-source="post: 374700" data-attributes="member: 4264"><p>I would certainly not call this neglect. I wouldn't say it sounds like its working out ideally, however at the same time, it has provided security for your property and for your other children. And that says a TON about the rationale of your decision to set things up like this. The drinking in violation of the rule, and the sex with a girl spending time in your home is a sign of disrespect that would send me over the bend. Yet, I don't see anything in that behavior that he couldn't have pulled off while still residing in the house with you all as he was before. </p><p></p><p>For some reason I can't see signatures on profiles on the site any more (No clue why) so I'm not sure how old your difficult child is. However if he is 16-17, he is nearing the age he's going to be legally old enough for you to say no more and have him move on his own if he can't meet some normal expectations (no drinking, curfew, etc). This sounds like a opportunity for him to learn how to fend for himself while still having the luxury of parents providing rent free accomodations and groceries. I guess in terms of his rule breaking, I'd personally find consequences that you can control given that he is in a "apartment" and supposed to be learning to cope on his own etc. In other words, grounding etc probably won't fly any more in that apartment as it would have in your home, and adding more stress to your own daily life is part of the reason for having him in "his own place" anyhow. So what consequences? This may require creativity. I would start with sattelite or cable removal if he has it. Perhaps not the t.v itself yet, he could watch dvds if he wanted. But it is a luxury to have paid for cable or dish. Since he pays no rent, he gets the roof and the meals. Not the luxury because he is disrespecting you by violating rules, therefore you don't feel inclined to provide the "treats" in life. When buying groceries, take the literal "treats" off the list. No snacks that aren't fruit, veggies, yoghurt etc. No soda or potato chips or popcorn. Just healthy food he can prepare for 3 meals a day, and some healthy snack type things. I'd also buy him the basic personal hygiene items, but not the luxury items. He can get a job and pay himself if he wants name brand shampoo, quality razors and shave cream, hair gel, name brand deodorant etc. I would supply toilet paper, cleaning supplies for the apartment, inexpensive "budget" type personal hygiene items and groceries. The power is on for him. He has heat when he'll need. He has a bathroom and a place to sleep and a way to prepare food. He doesn't "need" cable. He doesn't "Need" internet. He doesn't "need" laundry done for him, he can do it himself. He doesn't "need" a telephone except for 911 purposes. These are luxuries afforded to those who work for them or are children and dependent on their parents. He will of course flip out. But really, he can seethe by himself in his "apartment" and none of YOU all need to put up with it. I would respond to his outrage by stating "You don't want rules of living with parents. You wanted independence and to be treated as an equal and a adult. You want to not follow basic respectful rules. You want to act as an adult by having sex, drinking alcohol etc. Therefore you can TRULY act ADULT. Get a J-O-B!". I would probably also offer him an "out" if he isnt feeling compelled to work <img src="data:image/gif;base64,R0lGODlhAQABAIAAAAAAAP///yH5BAEAAAAALAAAAAABAAEAAAIBRAA7" class="smilie smilie--sprite smilie--sprite2" alt=";)" title="Wink ;)" loading="lazy" data-shortname=";)" />. Such as: you can go back to being a "child" in this family when and if you come to me and tell me you realize that you are a dependent, not independent. At that point he can move back into the family home, back into a regular bedroom, back into "dependent" mode. But with that, comes following rules that those dependent on others are expected to follow. Period. And if that happens and he refuses to comply with the rules, then he will be back in that space. And back to basic groceries and basic needs, no internet phone cable etc. </p><p></p><p>Sometimes a full immersion experience into premature adulthood and responsability can do a lot to wake a kid up. Seems to me a very brilliant set up for this type of idea. You can teach him the adult world of "Do To Get", while knowing he is technically under your roof. I actually think in the right family and with the right situation, this could be genius. I think it could be equally wrong for certain kids. However since you and husband made the choice to give this a shot, I gather you both thought this might be a wake up call for difficult child. So he's probably a good candidate. </p><p></p><p>As for CPS, well they certainly can't balk at a roof, healthy meals, basic needs provided. He isn't neglected without luxuries. He isn't across town in his own apartment with nobody around for emergencies. He isn't in danger of eviction and homelessness for lack of payment of rent. He has his "needs" provided. And he can then CHOOSE to be part of the family unit and all that being so entails. Or he can CHOOSE to play the victim. But at least he will have no audience stuck putting up with his antics.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Mattsmom277, post: 374700, member: 4264"] I would certainly not call this neglect. I wouldn't say it sounds like its working out ideally, however at the same time, it has provided security for your property and for your other children. And that says a TON about the rationale of your decision to set things up like this. The drinking in violation of the rule, and the sex with a girl spending time in your home is a sign of disrespect that would send me over the bend. Yet, I don't see anything in that behavior that he couldn't have pulled off while still residing in the house with you all as he was before. For some reason I can't see signatures on profiles on the site any more (No clue why) so I'm not sure how old your difficult child is. However if he is 16-17, he is nearing the age he's going to be legally old enough for you to say no more and have him move on his own if he can't meet some normal expectations (no drinking, curfew, etc). This sounds like a opportunity for him to learn how to fend for himself while still having the luxury of parents providing rent free accomodations and groceries. I guess in terms of his rule breaking, I'd personally find consequences that you can control given that he is in a "apartment" and supposed to be learning to cope on his own etc. In other words, grounding etc probably won't fly any more in that apartment as it would have in your home, and adding more stress to your own daily life is part of the reason for having him in "his own place" anyhow. So what consequences? This may require creativity. I would start with sattelite or cable removal if he has it. Perhaps not the t.v itself yet, he could watch dvds if he wanted. But it is a luxury to have paid for cable or dish. Since he pays no rent, he gets the roof and the meals. Not the luxury because he is disrespecting you by violating rules, therefore you don't feel inclined to provide the "treats" in life. When buying groceries, take the literal "treats" off the list. No snacks that aren't fruit, veggies, yoghurt etc. No soda or potato chips or popcorn. Just healthy food he can prepare for 3 meals a day, and some healthy snack type things. I'd also buy him the basic personal hygiene items, but not the luxury items. He can get a job and pay himself if he wants name brand shampoo, quality razors and shave cream, hair gel, name brand deodorant etc. I would supply toilet paper, cleaning supplies for the apartment, inexpensive "budget" type personal hygiene items and groceries. The power is on for him. He has heat when he'll need. He has a bathroom and a place to sleep and a way to prepare food. He doesn't "need" cable. He doesn't "Need" internet. He doesn't "need" laundry done for him, he can do it himself. He doesn't "need" a telephone except for 911 purposes. These are luxuries afforded to those who work for them or are children and dependent on their parents. He will of course flip out. But really, he can seethe by himself in his "apartment" and none of YOU all need to put up with it. I would respond to his outrage by stating "You don't want rules of living with parents. You wanted independence and to be treated as an equal and a adult. You want to not follow basic respectful rules. You want to act as an adult by having sex, drinking alcohol etc. Therefore you can TRULY act ADULT. Get a J-O-B!". I would probably also offer him an "out" if he isnt feeling compelled to work ;). Such as: you can go back to being a "child" in this family when and if you come to me and tell me you realize that you are a dependent, not independent. At that point he can move back into the family home, back into a regular bedroom, back into "dependent" mode. But with that, comes following rules that those dependent on others are expected to follow. Period. And if that happens and he refuses to comply with the rules, then he will be back in that space. And back to basic groceries and basic needs, no internet phone cable etc. Sometimes a full immersion experience into premature adulthood and responsability can do a lot to wake a kid up. Seems to me a very brilliant set up for this type of idea. You can teach him the adult world of "Do To Get", while knowing he is technically under your roof. I actually think in the right family and with the right situation, this could be genius. I think it could be equally wrong for certain kids. However since you and husband made the choice to give this a shot, I gather you both thought this might be a wake up call for difficult child. So he's probably a good candidate. As for CPS, well they certainly can't balk at a roof, healthy meals, basic needs provided. He isn't neglected without luxuries. He isn't across town in his own apartment with nobody around for emergencies. He isn't in danger of eviction and homelessness for lack of payment of rent. He has his "needs" provided. And he can then CHOOSE to be part of the family unit and all that being so entails. Or he can CHOOSE to play the victim. But at least he will have no audience stuck putting up with his antics. [/QUOTE]
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