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<blockquote data-quote="Copabanana" data-source="post: 741076" data-attributes="member: 18958"><p>Yes. This is wrong. We cannot make our kids love us or respect us. But we love them. This mother knows who she is and who she is not. She does not have to react to the pettiness of the daughter. We do not have to make mountains out of molehills. There is nothing in the mother's anger and righteousness that will make this daughter change. Change does not come that way.</p><p>Well. This is how I felt about my sister. That she hurt me on purpose. But the thing is, she did. She would leave the mark of Zorro so that I knew she had been there and done bad things. You see. You are right. My stomach is tightening up here. I agree. We need to not go back there. We are choosing to perpetuate the hurt.</p><p>No. It does not. There is a difference between blame and fault and taking responsibility for yourself. </p><p></p><p>I can say *or feel: <em>I know it is all my fault and I deserve blame.</em></p><p></p><p>Or I can say:<em> I understand the situation and I am accepting that it is in the past, but right now is a new present, where I can decide anew. I can take responsibility to do that. To take each new moment as a gift, a present. This has nothing to do with blame or fault. If anybody else wants to blame me or hurt me, it is on them. I do not have to take it on. Or take it in.</em></p><p></p><p>It is not to deny the pain. Or to deny the wrong. It is to accept it as real but not to personalize it and not to continue the war. Revisiting hurts is continuing the war. </p><p></p><p>M can be harsh. And opinionated. He hurts me without intending to. And when I react with hurt, he gets defensive and lost and hostile. And then he begins to blame me. And things get worse. We are getting better and better at retreating, and nursing our wounds, and just coming back to center. This happens more and more quickly instead of lasting days.</p><p></p><p>I do not think this would be possible with our sisters. I really, really don't. Because when you think about it for each of us, there is no relationship at all anymore. That you describe your sister, there is NOT ONE THING she is doing that is kind and good hearted that comes from a true desire to connect. Nor is my own sister. </p><p></p><p>This mother on this thread is NOT in that kind of situation. She is in conversation with her daughter. And the conflict in the main I think is about guilt and maybe a little bit about power. But the mother, can and will right this ship. She has desire to do so and she will.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Copabanana, post: 741076, member: 18958"] Yes. This is wrong. We cannot make our kids love us or respect us. But we love them. This mother knows who she is and who she is not. She does not have to react to the pettiness of the daughter. We do not have to make mountains out of molehills. There is nothing in the mother's anger and righteousness that will make this daughter change. Change does not come that way. Well. This is how I felt about my sister. That she hurt me on purpose. But the thing is, she did. She would leave the mark of Zorro so that I knew she had been there and done bad things. You see. You are right. My stomach is tightening up here. I agree. We need to not go back there. We are choosing to perpetuate the hurt. No. It does not. There is a difference between blame and fault and taking responsibility for yourself. I can say *or feel: [I]I know it is all my fault and I deserve blame.[/I] Or I can say:[I] I understand the situation and I am accepting that it is in the past, but right now is a new present, where I can decide anew. I can take responsibility to do that. To take each new moment as a gift, a present. This has nothing to do with blame or fault. If anybody else wants to blame me or hurt me, it is on them. I do not have to take it on. Or take it in.[/I] It is not to deny the pain. Or to deny the wrong. It is to accept it as real but not to personalize it and not to continue the war. Revisiting hurts is continuing the war. M can be harsh. And opinionated. He hurts me without intending to. And when I react with hurt, he gets defensive and lost and hostile. And then he begins to blame me. And things get worse. We are getting better and better at retreating, and nursing our wounds, and just coming back to center. This happens more and more quickly instead of lasting days. I do not think this would be possible with our sisters. I really, really don't. Because when you think about it for each of us, there is no relationship at all anymore. That you describe your sister, there is NOT ONE THING she is doing that is kind and good hearted that comes from a true desire to connect. Nor is my own sister. This mother on this thread is NOT in that kind of situation. She is in conversation with her daughter. And the conflict in the main I think is about guilt and maybe a little bit about power. But the mother, can and will right this ship. She has desire to do so and she will. [/QUOTE]
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