Crying as I write this...

Discussion in 'The Watercooler' started by nvts, Mar 27, 2010.

  1. nvts

    nvts Active Member

    we're splitting up. I told husband last night that he needs to find somewhere else to live. It's been unbearable for too long. I can't take the "I don't know if I love you's" the countless hours on the video games, the screaming at the kids and the total ambivilance to us all.

    He yelled so loudly at difficult child 2 Wed. night that he peed in his pants. To make him feel better on Thursday, I let him come with difficult child 1 and I to go to difficult child 1's therapy appointment. and hang with me in the waiting room. They ambushed me in the therapists office and begged me to get a divorce (I'd already - unknown to them of course started looking into it after some garbage going on over the last two weeks).

    We talked again today, and he cried. He knew that he'd withdrawn over the last 2 years, is unhappy at home, at work and even driving in the car. It's the most depressed I'd ever been. He says that he knows this is the right thing to do but doesn't know if he'll ever want to come back.

    I am so sure that this is the right thing to do too, but why do I feel so bad? I've never felt this alone in my entire life...

    Beth
     
  2. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Oh gosh. Im so sorry. I cant imagine how hard this is for you and your family. If this is the right thing for you, and it does sound like you have really given it a whole lot of time and thought, then Im sure you will come out just fine. With time and lots of support. I am gonna keep you in my prayers and give you little cyber hugs...ok?
     
  3. Fran

    Fran Former Site Owner

    Many gentle hugs to you and difficult child 2. What a horrid memory of difficult child's life with husband. He won't forget
    that terror and knowing it came from husband makes it all the worse.
    I know this is a terrible time with all the unanswered questions and fear of the unknown. You will get through
    it. We can't help much but we are hear to listen and support.
     
  4. crazymama30

    crazymama30 Active Member

    Hugs. It is so hard when this happens. husband and I have split and then got back together--not to say that is what is right for you, but oh it is so hard. Hang in there.
     
  5. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    ((hugs))

    Beth you're crying because you're grieving a loss, it's normal, believe me. It's hard to walk away from something you've put so much time and effort into, even when it is the right thing to do.

    Just remember, we're here with broad shoulders, an ear, and lots of support. It will get better in time.
     
  6. KTMom91

    KTMom91 Well-Known Member

    I'm so sorry, Beth. It's never an easy decision, and it sounds like you've thought things through. Many, many hugs to you.
     
  7. gcvmom

    gcvmom Here we go again!

    You've been dealing with this for a long time. Maybe the tears are part grief, part relief. You are a strong woman with a smart head, and you will get through this. It's right for you. It's right for your kids. husband has issues and you can't solve them for him. And you deserve so much more in your life.

    Sending hugs for encouragement, support and strength to get through this.
     
  8. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    Oh, honey... I'm so sorry.
     
  9. everywoman

    everywoman Active Member

    I'm so sorry. Sometimes we put in everything we've got, and it still isn't enough. You can't keep giving without getting something in return, and I so understand that you must put the kids first. This is the start of a new chapter, not the end of the book. Hopefully the rest of the story will have a happy ending.
     
  10. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    ((HUGS)) I had a very short, abusive marriage when I was very young. Getting a divorce was still one of the hardest things I've ever done in my life. (Not that this is an inevitable divorce in your case.) I agree that it's as much grief over lost dreams and hopes and expectations as anything, and fear of the unknown. But you have to do what you have to do.
     
  11. Shari

    Shari IsItFridayYet?

    For me, when I got married, I didn't want to be a statistic. I wanted to beat the odds. I didn't want my kids to ever have to experience that.

    And the loss of those ideals hurt as much, or more, than the actual realization that my marriage was over. I didn't want to let go of those things...but I had to.

    Life has handed us both a lot of koi we really didn't want, but we've made it thru it and we've become stronger for it.

    Much love and hugs tonight.
     
  12. LittleDudesMom

    LittleDudesMom Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Beth,

    this has been a long time coming....I'm so sorry. Perhaps this will be the call husband needs to get himself together. You are protecting yourself and your children. I know this is tough and heartbreaking. Gather your chicks around you and continue to the strong mother they need you to be. Make sure you also think of yourself. Hugs.

    Sharon
     
  13. donna723

    donna723 Well-Known Member

    I'm so sorry Beth. I've been there done that and I know how hard it is. And the others are right. It's the fear of the unknown that is the worst, and the "death of the dream" when you finally realize that it's not ever going to get any better, only worse, and you have those tough decisions to make.

    When it happened at our house, the first few days were sort of 'shell shock' and confusion. But then this sense of quiet and peace seemed to spread through the house and the kids and I started to decompress and relax for the first time in years. We had been walking on eggs and tiptoeing around him for so long that it had become a way of life and suddenly we didn't have to do that any more! My kids were 15 and 20 at the time and the change in them was amazing when they didn't have to live in fear in their own home any more. You will probably see this too. At first I was very worried about money because he wasn't exactly great about paying child support. But I soon started feeling very empowered as I realized that the decisions were all mine to make now and that I was in control and by careful planning we were actually doing better than we were with him there.

    My ex would scream and cuss at us till his face turned purple, mostly at me but my son caught his share too. And it took him quite a while and a little more maturity for him to realize that he didn't deserve that, that none of it was his fault - he was just one of the targets for his father's rage. It wasn't easy but my kids came through it fine and so will yours. I firmly believe that as long as they have ONE loving, concerned, caring parent that they know they can rely on, they will thrive. It's not easy but you will get through this too and so will your kids. Sending lots of (((hugs))).
     
  14. AnnieO

    AnnieO Shooting from the Hip

    Beth - lots of hugs. Crying is actually good. It was very hard for me to leave XH, though he mostly just ignored me. If he had been abusive I think it would have been a lot easier. But what everyone else said - sounds like you have thought it out and though it hurts a LOT, it may help... And that is what you need. Some peace.
     
  15. ML

    ML Guest

    I'm sorry for your pain. I'm also proud of you for doing what you know is the best thing for your family. You will be in my prayers in the coming days.
     
  16. Suz

    Suz (the future) MRS. GERE

    Gentle hugs, Beth.

    Suz
     
  17. nvts

    nvts Active Member

    Hi! Thank you all for all of the kind words. I'm sort of train-wrecking right now. It's now noon on Sunday and I'm putting on the "brave face". I just know in my heart that this thing is just over. And I guess I'm ok with that. Right now. I think all of you are right, I'm more so mourning that actually sad. Depression must be a terrible thing. This has been going on for years but the worst was being a single-parent in a two adult home. When it suited him, he'd discipline and occasionally say or do something nice. But make comments about everything (primarily critical comments)? He was full of them. When he made difficult child 2 (a real sweet kid) wet his pants, I was done. Direct your meaness to me - fine - I can handle anything - I mean c'mon, I'm me! But take it out on kids - not on my watch.

    It was funny. difficult child 1 lost his para (as he called his father figure) due to personel clashes, the asst. principal, his teachers, the lunch-teacher and his new para as well as the guidance counselor all met on Thurs. I told them that I intended to tell my husband that he needed to leave and they all jumped on the bandwagon. The lunch room teacher is this muscular, bald blue-eyed 30ish guy who clearly studied to be a gym teacher. He was sitting to my left and he's just a huge difficult child 1 fan. The ap (also a man) was concerned and wanted to know if I felt safe telling him to leave.

    I told them all that I could handle a Louisville Slugger better than most. The lunch teacher punched me in the arm and said "now THAT'S what I'M talking about! I knew I loved you for a reason!" I almost died laughing. What a hyper person. It felt so good to have this validation from such a group of people that care so deeply for difficult child 1.

    Suz: I clicked on your coping link. Thank you. I feel a little better.

    You all have so many similar experiences. I will try not to be a pest, but I hope it's ok to just vent on occasion here. I know I'll miss who he was, but will be relieved when who he is leaves.

    Thanks for everything!
    Beth :brokenheart::crying:
     
  18. totoro

    totoro Mom? What's a GFG?

    I am so sorry for your grief and loss of dreams, this does not mean you will never have any future dreams though just different and new. With time.
    This place is for support, you have offered much to so many and you need support. Please lean on us when you need to.
     
  19. DazedandConfused

    DazedandConfused Active Member

    I'm so sorry, even when it's under circumstances such as this, it's disappointing and terribly painful.

    I've been on the receiving end of such rage by a father with the same results. Unfortunately, my mother stayed because she was terrified of him and being alone with little education, and no job prospects; it is a decision she still deeply regrets and the result were children that were traumatized well into adulthood. Finally, when she couldn't take it anymore (I was 18), she threw him out. It was very difficult and scary for her and us kids, but to have that horrible tension and "walking on eggshells" feeling gone was euphoric and we felt like we had finally been emancipated from his reign of terror.

    Hugs to you and your kids.
     
  20. Nomad

    Nomad Guest

    I too am so sorry.
    Remember, even though you are sure it is the right thing and that is helpful, it is still a loss.
    As someone said...a loss of dreams, of hopes, desires....and you are entering a time of uncertainty as well.
    Surely, this is a very stressful time. But you sound strong, especially under the circumstances.
    It is good to hear that you are putting an end to this pattern of excuses and inappropriate behaviors. Time to move forward. Time to enjoy life.
    Do not hesitate to seek professional support if you feel that you need it temporarily.
    You are strong...and you will pull through this and will be a better, stronger and happier person having done so.
    Wishing you well.
     
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