Cultivating Relationships with difficult children

[Ma Kettle]

Oh, way to get my blood boiling just before bedtime, talk about improving relationship with difficult child. HA!

I had to take fall break off with Halfpint. Had a whole list of things we could do together, asked her days in advance. One item on the list was something she LOVES to do, which is go to the zoo with her sketchbook. I offered to go with a book and we could sit for hours in front of whatever animal subject she wanted. So, morning of first day of fall break I ask her 'What are we doing today?' Her answer was 'absolutely nothing' and she sat on the couch in her jammies ALL DAY LONG. Just to tick me off, I am sure. So I made plans for the next day and told her she had no choice in the matter. We went to Footloose and she ended up having fun. But wow did I have to pull teeth to get her there. My thought was 'It's my darn vacation, too!'

One day she told me her psychiatrist told her she should work on her relationship with us (ask how our day was, give compliments, etc). She then said she will still thinking about whether or not she wanted to have one with us. With an attitude like that, do you think I want to sit in front of the same zoo animal for hours on end?

Maybe I better make a cup of soothing tea to help me go to bed. This just upped my blood pressure thinking about difficult child and our 'relationship'. Here's hoping it works out for the best for all of us!

g'nite

Ma Kettle-40ish married 21 years to
Pa Kettle-40ish, Type I diabetes
PCDD Mary-18 ADD and Learning Disability (LD)- away at college, the sunshine in our life
GFGDD Halfpint-15 no official diagnosis, sex, drugs, rocknroll and breaking our hearts

 

[Malika]

I agree that addressing the child's issues should be the first port of call and then the relationship can be "built". At the same time, engaging in an activity that the child likes takes life out of the battleground and allows bonding, which are useful. Not sure how possible that in the terrible teen years.

 

[AnnieO]

From personal experience... With Onyxx, when she was doing drugs... How do you build a relationship with someone who has a "more important" relationship with drugs? You can't.

Which just goes right back to treating the underlying issues first.

Now, with some kids... it just might BE that the relationship is the issue. But I've heard this koi so much. The relationship problems DO need to be worked on... But we have to get past the other stuff first.

 

[SearchingForRainbows]

It was impossible to try any sort of relationship building with difficult child 1 once he hit his teen years. I was completely worn out from the constant chaos, violent outbursts, verbal abuse, lying, stealing etc., etc., etc.... The sad part was that you could see how much he enjoyed making everyone miserable from the look on his face. Honestly, all I wanted was for him to become an adult so I could throw him out of my house.

husband and I found him an apartment, co-signed the lease, and moved him out several months after his 18th birthday. It was the best decision we ever made. Once difficult child 1 was living on his own, our relationship improved. Although it had to be on his terms, and always will have to be on his terms, we've gotten closer. I had been hurt too many times by him and decided that if he wanted to see me, he would have to make the first move. I was shocked that the following year he called to take me out for Mother's Day breakfast, just me and him. He even remembered my birthday!

He's been living on his own for about 2.5 years. Our relationship has it's ups and downs. We've shared some special moments and had a few long heart-to heart conversations. I'm learning to accept him for who he is and try really hard not to expect too much from him. When it comes to maintaining contact with me, he runs hot and cold. I'm not even sure if he'll call me on Christmas. This hurts.

I'm grateful that at least, for now, he seems to be happy and doing well. I'm hoping that as he matures, our relationship will continue to grow. Underneath it all, his heart is in the right place and I'll always love him and have a special place for him in my heart - He is my firstborn. SFR

 

[AnnieO]

Once difficult child 1 was living on his own, our relationship improved.

This also happened to me, when I moved out of my parents'. I moved back in when I left XH - for a little over a month. Mom was pushing for me to stay. My comment to her was, "I love you. I'd like to continue to love you."

Of course, I probably don't exactly qualify as a difficult child, or maybe I do, just not an extreme one...

 

[JJJ]

We jumped through all those hoops with Kanga. The problem is that these kids are bottomless pits of demands. We'd agree in family therapy to do xyz. Then she'd complain that we didn't do abc. (For example, we'd agree to let her come with to the mall when I needed to buy a gift for someone, but she'd complain cause I didn't buy her a gift to, cause she 'helped' me shop.)

We stopped twisting ourselves in knots for her a long time ago. Nothing ever met her incredible need to be worshipped so why should the rest of us suffer when it didn't help anyway.

With Eeyore, Piglet and Tigger, having special time with each parent helps immensely. They doesn't care if it is food shopping or buying them a video game at the thrift store for $1. They loves the one on one time with each of us. I think that is the biggest difference between a difficult child and an extreme-difficult child.

 

[InsaneCdn]

I think that is the biggest difference between a difficult child and an extreme-difficult child.

Well put.

 

[Adrift]

Hi, I'm mostly a lurker but I had to respond to this one. I hate the fact that well-meaning therapists/friends/relatives suggest that relationship-building requires activities that work in traditionally functional homes. Why would they work in a crazy household like mine?? Just last night the four of us in our family sat down to dinner and a neighbor showed up. I could see the disapproval on her face when she saw my difficult child sitting there eating with his laptop open on facebook. What she didn't know was that he's eaten with us for 3-nights in a row, the FIRST times in well over a year! In my house, I build a relationship however it works, not by what the experts or perfect parents or socieity tells me what I should be doing. That's been a REALLY hard lesson to learn and it still drives me nuts sometimes but my family is different and I need to do what works for my relationship with my son.

Here's one teeny, tiny thing that has made a huge difference. Our renegade outside-the-box therapist, told us when we first started counseling that we had 9 sentences a day to communicate with my difficult child. Nine sentences, that was it, no more. Three in the morning, three after school and three at night. It was the hardest thing I ever did but it did make a difference. difficult child had to trust that I wouldn't go off on my usual tirade. I've zipped my mouth (we even have a hand signal) and STOPPED trying to get the last word. It could just be maturity but he's out of his room and eating dinner with us (and his FB friends of course!). I'll take it.

 

[hearts and roses]

I did relationship building with both my girls (usually without even thinking about it - life is relationship building, in my opinion). In retrospect, I can say that sometimes it clicked, other times not so much. More often with easy child, less often with difficult child, but I kept trying.

Like Janet, when difficult child was about 17, I began focusing more on ME and less on her. We had short conversations - I called them 'check ins'. I'd ask how her day went, if she completed her hw, if she was hungry, etc. The basics but that's all. I'd invite her along on my Saturday morning errands and sometimes she would come with, sometimes not. I often didn't ask her to join me because I didn't particularly care for her company and needed the break. I even when to HER therapist appts alone if she refused.

My feeling is that with MOST typical teen/difficult child behavior, maturity will eventually win out. My daughter is still a difficult child in many ways. However, maturity has beaten down the typical teen behaviors. Having a boyfriend with two little boys (one a difficult child) has also raised her awareness about life and how to treat others.

If you have a difficult child mixed in with typical teen behaviors, I think it's just a matter of time. Be good to yourself.

If you have a SEVERE difficult child mixed in with typical teen behaviors, it may take longer or maybe never will happen...always, be good to yourself.

Bottom line: Be good to yourself. I personally feel that by 16, they KNOW how other people behave and can tell the difference between their behavior and others' behaviors. They are very adept at manipulation and, in your case, your therapist is nurturing that type of manipulative behavior. I DO NOT think that your activities should be centered around what difficult child (or any child) wants to do or based solely on what her interests are on. I think it's VERY important for our children to understand from a very young age that it's NOT all about them and what they want. Life will be easier for them later if they realize this earlier. Just my opinion. I'd find a new therapist if possible - I may miscontruing what she/he is telling you, I'm sorry if that's the case.


Just curious, what is your gut telling you?

 

[DaisyFace]

Just curious, what is your gut telling you?

My gut? LOL! My gut is telling me "Screw it!"...

but then I feel badly about feeling that way.

And that's why I started this thread. I wondered if anyone else felt as thwarted by "relationship-building" as I did.

Clearly...I am not alone.

And I agree with the statements about fixing the underlying issues FIRST. The issues are the things getting in the way of the relationship in the first place.

 

[InsaneCdn]

And I agree with the statements about fixing the underlying issues FIRST. The issues are the things getting in the way of the relationship in the first place.

Just fixing the underlying issues doesn't fix the relationship... but it is absolutely required in order to have a foundation to build on.

DF - If I were Santa, I'd be delivering some appropriate resources your way in about 3.5 weeks...
<if only>

 

[DammitJanet]

Yeah I would be saying screw it too for this type stuff. I remember Cory wanting me to take him to the mall and shop when he was that age. He LOVED to shop. He was my clothes horse. He loved name brands. The other two couldnt have cared less as long as clothes covered their butts. Cory still wants to look good. If you ask him now he says I took him shopping every paycheck...lol. NOT! I guess he has fond memories.

I cannot imagine his therapist telling me I had to take him shopping though to build our relationship.

Actually, I think there has to be something there from the early years to carry you through the rough times of the teen years because those are rough times...no doubt. I think even with typical teen you can have some pretty horrible years in there where the parents are the enemies. I wanted to throttle Jamie almost daily most of the time when he was a teen because he wanted to get the last word in all the time. Sometimes I still want to throttle him.

Eventually, if you are lucky, the kids come out the other side as people you can actually like again. Having them out of the house makes a huge difference. We can barely tolerate Cory under the same roof. He and his father just rub each other like sandpaper. They love each other dearly but living together is just not possible anymore.

 

[TerryJ2]

LynnP, that's great! Sometimes, weird, but simple, ideas work best.

MaKettle, I hear ya!

 

[klmno]

I still think age has a lot to do with it and many of these theories of people sent to us to 'help' us with our difficult children must think our teens think like 8 yos. What teenager has 'relationship with parent' as his/her priority?

 

[DammitJanet]

Not many...parents are tools to feed, drive, clothe and ATM's. LOL

 

[InsaneCdn]

I still think age has a lot to do with it and many of these theories of people sent to us to 'help' us with our difficult children must think our teens think like 8 yos. What teenager has 'relationship with parent' as his/her priority?

Mine do.

One always has (almost-easy child)
The other... we had to rebuild the relationship... and now, it is definitely a major priority.

Both teenagers.

 

[hearts and roses]

I still think age has a lot to do with it and many of these theories of people sent to us to 'help' us with our difficult children must think our teens think like 8 yos. What teenager has 'relationship with parent' as his/her priority?

I have to say that despite all the BS from difficult child in her teen years and even easy child's surly attitude, what we thought of them mattered to them and they were interested in maintaining something of a relationship with both H and me. difficult child less than easy child between ages 16-19, but has she done a 180 since then. And they've both, even during the hard times, came to me to bounce ideas off of me or to get input. I really hated it when they told me too much information - omg.

 

[klmno]

That's good news to me, IC and H&R! I think my son cares on some level but given a choice between going out with friends and partying and lieing to me about it, or staying home and building a better relationship with me, I'm sure which one he would pick.

 

[DammitJanet]

Jo, thats the way it was with my boys and us but what I wrote is the way it was with me and my parents. Of course, I never had much of a relationship I could count on with my mother. Never knew what to expect but that didnt mean I didnt want one. Not sure I wanted one during my teen years. Cant actually remember that time.

 

[hearts and roses]

That's good news to me, IC and H&R! I think my son cares on some level but given a choice between going out with friends and partying and lieing to me about it, or staying home and building a better relationship with me, I'm sure which one he would pick.

You would know best. I know there were a few years where I thought I'd lost difficult child. And easy child also - remember when she moved into Casper's family home?? OMG, I thought I'd lost her for sure then. And with difficult child, she seemed so determined to hang with the lowest common denominator that was so completely opposite from her family...I often wondered, "What will my life be like if my children don't want to be near me or have any semblence of a relationship with me??" It was very worrisome to me. I totally understand what that feels like.

I'm happy to report that everyone who told me, "Don't worry, they come back to you - nicer than they used to be" was right. I know it could have gone the other way, however, but I'm thankful it didn't. I always remember all of us here at CD, that our children will know we love them and come round.