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General Parenting
Cultivating Relationships with difficult children
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<blockquote data-quote="klmno" data-source="post: 484545" data-attributes="member: 3699"><p>Not that I'm an excpret on this, but when difficult child was younger, I'd take him to the park to go for a walk with me, and sometimes even take the dogs. I found when I 'tried' to have a talk, it failed- just like when a wife wants 'to have a talk' with her husband sometimes- the wall goes up. If we walked a couple of times on a couple of different occasions before he opened up, that was fine. I told him I was there if he wanted to talk, that I loved him and wanted things to be better between us, and left it at that. Sometimes just sitting on the swings saying nothing left me feeling closer to him.</p><p></p><p>As he got a little older- middle school age- we started having 'family night' which might include a movie, munchies and a board game, whatever. I found we just chatted and laughed and talked about things without even planning on it. I remember once things had been tense with the extended family and bnoth difficult child and I were stressed. I asked him to choose a comedy and he inadvertantly picked one about a very dysfunctional family, including extended family. We laughed until we rolled and at the end of it just looked at each other and laughed, knowing we both understood that this is the kind of family we are dealing with, but we got a few good chuckles we could share and remember.</p><p></p><p>Once he really got defiant, it didn't matter what I did or didn't do. There was no reaching him. I think it was because HE didn't want it. I'm not so sure anymore that TTs don't go thru a stage where their parents aren't really a welcome part of their emotional lives. And if they are a difficult child, well....maybe we just need to let them know we are there if they ever want a better relationship or to talk or whatever, then quit trying until the kid is older or decides that THEY want to re-build the relationship with us.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="klmno, post: 484545, member: 3699"] Not that I'm an excpret on this, but when difficult child was younger, I'd take him to the park to go for a walk with me, and sometimes even take the dogs. I found when I 'tried' to have a talk, it failed- just like when a wife wants 'to have a talk' with her husband sometimes- the wall goes up. If we walked a couple of times on a couple of different occasions before he opened up, that was fine. I told him I was there if he wanted to talk, that I loved him and wanted things to be better between us, and left it at that. Sometimes just sitting on the swings saying nothing left me feeling closer to him. As he got a little older- middle school age- we started having 'family night' which might include a movie, munchies and a board game, whatever. I found we just chatted and laughed and talked about things without even planning on it. I remember once things had been tense with the extended family and bnoth difficult child and I were stressed. I asked him to choose a comedy and he inadvertantly picked one about a very dysfunctional family, including extended family. We laughed until we rolled and at the end of it just looked at each other and laughed, knowing we both understood that this is the kind of family we are dealing with, but we got a few good chuckles we could share and remember. Once he really got defiant, it didn't matter what I did or didn't do. There was no reaching him. I think it was because HE didn't want it. I'm not so sure anymore that TTs don't go thru a stage where their parents aren't really a welcome part of their emotional lives. And if they are a difficult child, well....maybe we just need to let them know we are there if they ever want a better relationship or to talk or whatever, then quit trying until the kid is older or decides that THEY want to re-build the relationship with us. [/QUOTE]
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