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General Parenting
Cultivating Relationships with difficult children
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<blockquote data-quote="Adrift" data-source="post: 484721" data-attributes="member: 2158"><p>Hi, I'm mostly a lurker but I had to respond to this one. I hate the fact that well-meaning therapists/friends/relatives suggest that relationship-building requires activities that work in traditionally functional homes. Why would they work in a crazy household like mine?? Just last night the four of us in our family sat down to dinner and a neighbor showed up. I could see the disapproval on her face when she saw my difficult child sitting there eating with his laptop open on facebook. What she didn't know was that he's eaten with us for 3-nights in a row, the FIRST times in well over a year! In my house, I build a relationship however it works, not by what the experts or perfect parents or socieity tells me what I should be doing. That's been a REALLY hard lesson to learn and it still drives me nuts sometimes but my family is different and I need to do what works for my relationship with my son.</p><p></p><p>Here's one teeny, tiny thing that has made a huge difference. Our renegade outside-the-box therapist, told us when we first started counseling that we had 9 sentences a day to communicate with my difficult child. Nine sentences, that was it, no more. Three in the morning, three after school and three at night. It was the hardest thing I ever did but it did make a difference. difficult child had to trust that I wouldn't go off on my usual tirade. I've zipped my mouth (we even have a hand signal) and STOPPED trying to get the last word. It could just be maturity but he's out of his room and eating dinner with us (and his FB friends of course!). I'll take it.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Adrift, post: 484721, member: 2158"] Hi, I'm mostly a lurker but I had to respond to this one. I hate the fact that well-meaning therapists/friends/relatives suggest that relationship-building requires activities that work in traditionally functional homes. Why would they work in a crazy household like mine?? Just last night the four of us in our family sat down to dinner and a neighbor showed up. I could see the disapproval on her face when she saw my difficult child sitting there eating with his laptop open on facebook. What she didn't know was that he's eaten with us for 3-nights in a row, the FIRST times in well over a year! In my house, I build a relationship however it works, not by what the experts or perfect parents or socieity tells me what I should be doing. That's been a REALLY hard lesson to learn and it still drives me nuts sometimes but my family is different and I need to do what works for my relationship with my son. Here's one teeny, tiny thing that has made a huge difference. Our renegade outside-the-box therapist, told us when we first started counseling that we had 9 sentences a day to communicate with my difficult child. Nine sentences, that was it, no more. Three in the morning, three after school and three at night. It was the hardest thing I ever did but it did make a difference. difficult child had to trust that I wouldn't go off on my usual tirade. I've zipped my mouth (we even have a hand signal) and STOPPED trying to get the last word. It could just be maturity but he's out of his room and eating dinner with us (and his FB friends of course!). I'll take it. [/QUOTE]
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