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Cultivating Relationships with difficult children
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<blockquote data-quote="hearts and roses" data-source="post: 484733" data-attributes="member: 2211"><p><span style="color: #008000"><span style="font-size: 10px">I did relationship building with both my girls (usually without even thinking about it - life is relationship building, in my opinion). <span style="color: #008000"><span style="font-size: 10px">In retrospect, I can say that </span></span>sometimes it clicked, other times not so much. More often with easy child, less often with difficult child, but I kept trying. </span></span></p><p><span style="color: #008000"><span style="font-size: 10px"></span></span></p><p><span style="color: #008000"><span style="font-size: 10px">Like Janet, when difficult child was about 17, I began focusing more on ME and less on her. We had short conversations - I called them 'check ins'. I'd ask how her day went, if she completed her hw, if she was hungry, etc. The basics but that's all. I'd invite her along on my Saturday morning errands and sometimes she would come with, sometimes not. I often didn't ask her to join me because I didn't particularly care for her company and needed the break. I even when to HER therapist appts alone if she refused.</span></span></p><p><span style="color: #008000"><span style="font-size: 10px"></span></span></p><p><span style="color: #008000"><span style="font-size: 10px">My feeling is that with MOST typical teen/difficult child behavior, maturity will eventually win out. My daughter is still a difficult child in many ways. However, maturity has beaten down the typical teen behaviors. Having a boyfriend with two little boys (one a difficult child) has also raised her awareness about life and how to treat others. </span></span></p><p><span style="color: #008000"><span style="font-size: 10px"></span></span></p><p><span style="color: #008000"><span style="font-size: 10px">If you have a difficult child mixed in with typical teen behaviors, I think it's just a matter of time. Be good to yourself. </span></span></p><p><span style="color: #008000"><span style="font-size: 10px"></span></span></p><p><span style="color: #008000"><span style="font-size: 10px">If you have a SEVERE difficult child mixed in with typical teen behaviors, it may take longer or maybe never will happen...always, be good to yourself.</span></span></p><p><span style="color: #008000"><span style="font-size: 10px"></span></span></p><p><span style="color: #008000"><span style="font-size: 10px">Bottom line: Be good to yourself. I personally feel that by 16, they KNOW how other people behave and can tell the difference between their behavior and others' behaviors. They are very adept at manipulation and, in your case, your therapist is nurturing that type of manipulative behavior. I DO NOT think that your activities should be centered around what difficult child (or any child) wants to do or based solely on what her interests are on. I think it's VERY important for our children to understand from a very young age that it's NOT all about them and what they want. Life will be easier for them later if they realize this earlier. Just my opinion. I'd find a new therapist if possible - I may miscontruing what she/he is telling you, I'm sorry if that's the case.</span></span></p><p><span style="color: #008000"><span style="font-size: 10px"></span></span></p><p><span style="color: #008000"><span style="font-size: 10px"></span></span></p><p><span style="color: #008000"><span style="font-size: 10px">Just curious, what is your gut telling you? </span></span></p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="hearts and roses, post: 484733, member: 2211"] [COLOR=#008000][SIZE=2]I did relationship building with both my girls (usually without even thinking about it - life is relationship building, in my opinion). [COLOR=#008000][SIZE=2]In retrospect, I can say that [/SIZE][/COLOR]sometimes it clicked, other times not so much. More often with easy child, less often with difficult child, but I kept trying. Like Janet, when difficult child was about 17, I began focusing more on ME and less on her. We had short conversations - I called them 'check ins'. I'd ask how her day went, if she completed her hw, if she was hungry, etc. The basics but that's all. I'd invite her along on my Saturday morning errands and sometimes she would come with, sometimes not. I often didn't ask her to join me because I didn't particularly care for her company and needed the break. I even when to HER therapist appts alone if she refused. My feeling is that with MOST typical teen/difficult child behavior, maturity will eventually win out. My daughter is still a difficult child in many ways. However, maturity has beaten down the typical teen behaviors. Having a boyfriend with two little boys (one a difficult child) has also raised her awareness about life and how to treat others. If you have a difficult child mixed in with typical teen behaviors, I think it's just a matter of time. Be good to yourself. If you have a SEVERE difficult child mixed in with typical teen behaviors, it may take longer or maybe never will happen...always, be good to yourself. Bottom line: Be good to yourself. I personally feel that by 16, they KNOW how other people behave and can tell the difference between their behavior and others' behaviors. They are very adept at manipulation and, in your case, your therapist is nurturing that type of manipulative behavior. I DO NOT think that your activities should be centered around what difficult child (or any child) wants to do or based solely on what her interests are on. I think it's VERY important for our children to understand from a very young age that it's NOT all about them and what they want. Life will be easier for them later if they realize this earlier. Just my opinion. I'd find a new therapist if possible - I may miscontruing what she/he is telling you, I'm sorry if that's the case. Just curious, what is your gut telling you? [/SIZE][/COLOR] [/QUOTE]
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