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<blockquote data-quote="AnnieO" data-source="post: 512709" data-attributes="member: 6705"><p>First off - HUGS. Lots of them, and very gentle ones.</p><p></p><p>Secondly - how old is she now? And... Razors are <em>not</em> the only thing she can use. Giving you her razors and saying she is trying to stop, but having deteriorating behavior otherwise, is a HUGE red flag.</p><p></p><p>My SD, Onyxx, cut. I was concerned she was doing so when she started wearing jeans and long sleeves in the summertime. With a heat index of 105-110, something was wrong. And then I found a razor that had been pried apart. We took away her razors. Things got worse. She stole all my sewing machine needles, paring knives, forks, light bulbs suddenly broke a LOT as did mirrors, hard plastic toys of Jett's were in shards, screws and nails went missing... You would be AMAZED.</p><p></p><p>The first thing is, please realize that this is NOT YOUR FAULT - you are NOT a bad Mom, just the fact that you are reaching out for help speaks volumes to the contrary. Yes, your other two children may have lost out on some time & attention - this is a hard and sad fact, but you are ONE PERSON. Your husband is ONE PERSON. And the drama is what your difficult child is feeding on.</p><p></p><p>As for type of therapist - seeing through lies and manipulation is one of those things we have problems with. Therapists seem to like behavior charts and to tell the parent what THEY are doing wrong. Well - here's the thing. I went to a court-ordered parenting class with husband. <em>None </em>of their tools worked with Onyxx. Many did not work with Jett (though a few did). These are NOT neurotypical kids. Find someone (I'd say female, no good reason except your daughter is and so are you). First appointment - just you. Explain what's going on to the therapist. If therapist dismisses your concerns out of hand, move on. Make sure that you keep in touch with therapist, possibly through email - therapist doesn't have to tell you what difficult child says, but if they suspect a diagnosis, they do need to let you know. (And then, if a psychiatrist is necessary for medication purposes, schedule one.) If you need to go through your county health department - DO IT.</p><p></p><p>We've gone through tons of counselors for Onyxx. She doesn't trust anyone and won't open up. We've been fighting this battle for years.</p><p></p><p>Don't worry if she lies to you about what the therapist said. It's not important <em>unless she says that the therapist said YOU or husband should do something.</em> In which case you shrug and say, "Well I guess she needs to let me know, huh?" and walk away.</p><p></p><p>Don't engage her. This is SOOOOOOO HARD, but SOOOOOOO necessary!!! If you can speak in a monotone, do. Favorite phrase: "I'm sorry you feel that way." Refuse to argue with her. Onyxx likes to say, "you won't argue because you know I'm right!" Well, of course we know nothing of the sort but... "I'm sorry you feel that way", in a monotone, was great. Confused her long enough to defuse her.</p><p></p><p>If you have not already read <em>The Explosive Child</em> (I think it's by Ross Greene), get a copy ASAP. This book helps with typical teen stuff, too! It will also stop a lot of arguments, because let's face it, some stuff is just NOT worth fighting over. For instance... My mom would have gone off the deep end if I, as a teen, had dyed my hair rainbow colors and pierced anything but my ears. And my room better get cleaned weekly!!! Well, Onyxx's room was probably a petri dish for MRSA at one point or another, her hair's been quite a few colors, and she's gauged her ears, had her lip and tongue pierced, and - did this herself - pierced her septum, navel and hips. Yes, I said hips. We drew lines and they were ignored, so we figured out what was IMPORTANT to us and redrew the lines. (FWIW, I will never forget when my mother found out <em>my</em> navel was pierced. I was 35 and had had it for 7 years by then.)</p><p></p><p>In the meantime, keep coming back. Venting and having someone to talk to helps. I don't do message boards, and I've been here for 3 years now!</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="AnnieO, post: 512709, member: 6705"] First off - HUGS. Lots of them, and very gentle ones. Secondly - how old is she now? And... Razors are [I]not[/I] the only thing she can use. Giving you her razors and saying she is trying to stop, but having deteriorating behavior otherwise, is a HUGE red flag. My SD, Onyxx, cut. I was concerned she was doing so when she started wearing jeans and long sleeves in the summertime. With a heat index of 105-110, something was wrong. And then I found a razor that had been pried apart. We took away her razors. Things got worse. She stole all my sewing machine needles, paring knives, forks, light bulbs suddenly broke a LOT as did mirrors, hard plastic toys of Jett's were in shards, screws and nails went missing... You would be AMAZED. The first thing is, please realize that this is NOT YOUR FAULT - you are NOT a bad Mom, just the fact that you are reaching out for help speaks volumes to the contrary. Yes, your other two children may have lost out on some time & attention - this is a hard and sad fact, but you are ONE PERSON. Your husband is ONE PERSON. And the drama is what your difficult child is feeding on. As for type of therapist - seeing through lies and manipulation is one of those things we have problems with. Therapists seem to like behavior charts and to tell the parent what THEY are doing wrong. Well - here's the thing. I went to a court-ordered parenting class with husband. [I]None [/I]of their tools worked with Onyxx. Many did not work with Jett (though a few did). These are NOT neurotypical kids. Find someone (I'd say female, no good reason except your daughter is and so are you). First appointment - just you. Explain what's going on to the therapist. If therapist dismisses your concerns out of hand, move on. Make sure that you keep in touch with therapist, possibly through email - therapist doesn't have to tell you what difficult child says, but if they suspect a diagnosis, they do need to let you know. (And then, if a psychiatrist is necessary for medication purposes, schedule one.) If you need to go through your county health department - DO IT. We've gone through tons of counselors for Onyxx. She doesn't trust anyone and won't open up. We've been fighting this battle for years. Don't worry if she lies to you about what the therapist said. It's not important [I]unless she says that the therapist said YOU or husband should do something.[/I] In which case you shrug and say, "Well I guess she needs to let me know, huh?" and walk away. Don't engage her. This is SOOOOOOO HARD, but SOOOOOOO necessary!!! If you can speak in a monotone, do. Favorite phrase: "I'm sorry you feel that way." Refuse to argue with her. Onyxx likes to say, "you won't argue because you know I'm right!" Well, of course we know nothing of the sort but... "I'm sorry you feel that way", in a monotone, was great. Confused her long enough to defuse her. If you have not already read [I]The Explosive Child[/I] (I think it's by Ross Greene), get a copy ASAP. This book helps with typical teen stuff, too! It will also stop a lot of arguments, because let's face it, some stuff is just NOT worth fighting over. For instance... My mom would have gone off the deep end if I, as a teen, had dyed my hair rainbow colors and pierced anything but my ears. And my room better get cleaned weekly!!! Well, Onyxx's room was probably a petri dish for MRSA at one point or another, her hair's been quite a few colors, and she's gauged her ears, had her lip and tongue pierced, and - did this herself - pierced her septum, navel and hips. Yes, I said hips. We drew lines and they were ignored, so we figured out what was IMPORTANT to us and redrew the lines. (FWIW, I will never forget when my mother found out [I]my[/I] navel was pierced. I was 35 and had had it for 7 years by then.) In the meantime, keep coming back. Venting and having someone to talk to helps. I don't do message boards, and I've been here for 3 years now! [/QUOTE]
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