Cybersex

keista

New Member
:consoling: It's that *Y* syndrome thing.

Here's a thought for you and other wives in this situation. It won't work with every husband (I know it would NOT have worked with mine) but I think it's worth "putting out there"

Can you task him with other stuff. IOW OK, Honey, I get the you don't know how to "fix" difficult child, so I'll do my best alone, but I'm exhausted, so could you (insert chore here - make dinner, do laundry, vacuum) tonight as your "share" of helping with difficult child? I don't know if it will relieve enough stress from you, it might. Some men might not go for it, but even those that will, need to be ASKED to help in a specific way.
 

keista

New Member
That's why my therapist says too. But i thought we need to show the kids that the parents are on the same line?
Yes you do, but that doesn't always mean that you BOTH have to be saying/dealing with the same thing. You just need to back each other up.

husband shouldn't/can't be making comments that would undermine your work. If difficult child comes to him, simply saying, "well your mother said X, Y, Z so that's the way it is" can be sufficient. That way he's NOT really dealing with it, but still backing you up. If instead, he says "I think your mother is wrong" but offers NO constructive input, then he's not just not dealing with it, he's undermining all your work - two negatives going on there.

So, you give husband the "easy out" of just verbally backing you up (even silence in a particular matter counts), in exchange for a few chores. Besides, men are more task oriented.
 

Crystal72

New Member
That's what a lot of people say too. That he is like another child.
With no family and no friends around. Yes it's lonely and isolated
 

InsaneCdn

Well-Known Member
Can you task him with other stuff. IOW OK, Honey, I get the you don't know how to "fix" difficult child, so I'll do my best alone, but I'm exhausted, so could you (insert chore here - make dinner, do laundry, vacuum) tonight as your "share" of helping with difficult child? I don't know if it will relieve enough stress from you, it might. Some men might not go for it, but even those that will, need to be ASKED to help in a specific way.

Helps if the "help asked for" is a daily thing... really. Multiple logic going on here (this is husband logic, so it's how some guys think at least)... husband says its easier to keep track of "not usually his" tasks, if they are DAILY. He doesn't have to "notice", doesn't have to "think". He just works out his normal evening plan with TASK inserted, and it magically gets done.

For me? it was dishes. I cook, load and unload dishwasher, put stuff away... and he complains about the "mess" in the kitchen. OK, husband... then YOU take over doing the dishes. Result? DONE. Every single night. Sometime between 5 and 8. Every pot, every pan, every wood-handled knife and anything else that won't (or just didn't) fit in the dishwasher... CLEAN and air-drying. All I have to do is put them away when making breakfast... or assign THAT to one of the kids. I just won three times... Kitchen is cleaner, AND husband isn't complaining about the kitchen... AND I have a few more minutes left over... for dealing with difficult child, or for restoring my own sanity.

Other small stuff that is consistent and helps... always putting laundry in laundry bucket AND "ready to wash" (pockets empty, buttons undone, etc.), always returning lunch bucket ready to re-load, etc. BUT only spring ONE at a time...
 

Crystal72

New Member
You are lucky. One time when I went to sleep study with my younger ds that has Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD) not otherwise specified, I returned home with dinner left exactly the same spots on the table.
Everynight I told them to put their glasses and cups away after used and every morning I woke up with glasses, cups and potato chips bags or yoghurt cup laying everywhere and they don't belong to the kids. It's the husband.
If I would to make noise a little, he would say thing like , all you do is complaining, everything I do is wrong...etc.

Big deal bringing home income yes. Try seeing it my end, at least I keep everything out of your sight! But it's a family, not your family and I am your housekeeper.
 

InsaneCdn

Well-Known Member
Yes, I know I am lucky - and I probably don't know how lucky I am. But it cuts both ways... HE is really good about not making a mess. But... HE expects the house to look European-stay at home mom-clean... and I'm neither European NOR a stay at home mom... so...?? At least he helps... but I have to live with the harping about the mess every day.
 

AnnieO

Shooting from the Hip
My husband is a slob. Honestly. Even when trying a disaster follows. Think Pigpen of Charlie Brown fame. I can remind and remind and beg and plead and throw a hissy fit... And nothing works. I've seen him clean - he was a Marine - but...

However (and I'm the breadwinner, too, right now...) He: takes care of the kid, does doctors and school and occasionally dinner, all car and yard maintenance, all house projects. AND has his own company. So... I have learned to try to turn a blind eye.
 

InsaneCdn

Well-Known Member
However (and I'm the breadwinner, too, right now...) He: takes care of the kid, does doctors and school and occasionally dinner, all car and yard maintenance, all house projects. AND has his own company. So... I have learned to try to turn a blind eye

When things work the way they are supposed to work... I think there ends up being a fair bit of "turning a blind eye". I'm not complaining about husband as my husband, and he doesn't complain about having me for a wife either. But... some days, its the little things that get under the skin - both ways. Somehow, its worse at times when difficult child is at his worst, to... so stress is obviously a factor.

But that's when there is a "working" relationship. Not because everything runs smooth, but because there are ways of working through things... and on that front, yes, I'm very, very, ... well, luck doesn't come into it and I don't have the right word... but I end up being very very grateful.

Those who don't have a working relationship... I guess I really can't advise, as I haven't walked in those shoes.
 

keista

New Member
:consoling: ((((HUGS))))) Crystal. I'm so sorry, he sounds like mine. It seems a horrible thing to say, but I got lucky he decided to leave. Such a blessing and a relief.

the other day, someone was asking how the kids were coping with their father gone. Pretty well, I said. Then it struck me. Of course my kids are sad that they don't have their father around. It's a really tough to break emotional bond, BUT they don't really miss him if you Know what I mean?. He was not much more engaged with them than the couch is. He was, in a word, a fixture here. It took a while for all of us to get used to it, but once we did it was OK. Sorry, don't mean to go on and am not in anyway saying to kick him to the curb, but it is food for thought.
 

Crystal72

New Member
I can see my husband is trying. But it's really tough when we have no resources. Now we are just beginning to get some help in but sometimes I wonder if it's too late. That kid is so difficult to live with. He destroy everything, he lies about everything and he wants to
Manipulate everything. I am feeling so suffocated with him that I don't know when I am going to throw the first punch at him. How did you work with this? It's not a minute of peace in the house having him home
 

keista

New Member
I wish I could advise you. My kids are not very volatile. That could be because of the way I parent them. I'm very laid back, and I do very easily see things from their perspective so am able to accommodate them. I think that was my biggest problem with DD1. I assumed she was neurotypical, and while I did bend and work with her, apparently not enough. Now that I view her as an Aspie (no conclusive diagnosis yet), I respond to her as if she is, and conflicts are minimized.

The good news is that you are starting to get help, so there is hope that things will begin to settle down. I don't think it's too late (he's 11, right?) Still have a few years that he is highly moldable.
 

keista

New Member
Sorry. It occurred to me that I may be implying that it is only my parenting that keeps my kids less volatile. Couldn't be further from the truth. My kids were born with a "quieter" disposition. I meant to say that I think DD1 has been more volatile than I would expect her to be because I was not parenting her as an Aspie but a neurotypical with issues.
 

AnnieO

Shooting from the Hip
I can see my husband is trying. But it's really tough when we have no resources. Now we are just beginning to get some help in but sometimes I wonder if it's too late. That kid is so difficult to live with. He destroy everything, he lies about everything and he wants to
Manipulate everything. I am feeling so suffocated with him that I don't know when I am going to throw the first punch at him. How did you work with this? It's not a minute of peace in the house having him home

Crystal... From a person that is watching her step daughter self-destruct... It's never too late. There is always hope. At his age, though, you have to at least try for those services (sounds like you are)... And you need a place/time for respite. I remember those days all too clearly, having to literally hold my hands so I wouldn't hit something or someone.

Do you have anyone at all who will watch him so you and hubby can have a date night? One of the best dates husband and I have been on in months was fried chicken, a blanket, and a park. Cost? $5.
 

Crystal72

New Member
No tried babysitter they couldn't handle his manipulation. No family around. No friends. Lost most friends due to the boys behaviors or me unable to meet up with them
 

buddy

New Member
Hi Crystal, I am so glad you are working on getting support. Dont despair. It is really hard and none of us knows why we ended up on a journey like this. I choose to believe it is to learn extreme patience and in my case to stop worrying about what others think and to become more assertive. I am not a violent person, never got in fights didn't come from violence (my did did spank like twice and yes I do remember it)...but I too have felt after he has broken a new camera, smashed a tv to the floor punched me over and over, like I want to hit. I think it is natural when your adrenalin is up. It gives me insight to how he must feel every single day when those chemicals pump thru his body as he perceives things as a threat or he panics. One time after he grabbed a lamp of mine I took his game boy to give it a time out (I gave toys a time out lots when he couldn't be placed in time out, it was just as effective) and he grabbed another thing of mine and broke it. I just reacted by smashing the game boy on the ground. It was one of the first times I saw him cry a really sad cry. I felt like the worst mom ever on the face of the earth. I was just sick. When he finally calmed down I told him I was really sorry and that was not a good choice. He wanted another right away and I said NO. I told him while I shouldn't have done that, he needed to learn that when he does things like break our house or hurt me, I too have feelings and it is not ok to hurt my feelings. I can't remember the exact words but we worked on it. I said he could have a new ds when he had three months of appropriate behavior (no breaking things no hitting) he was at a fairly good point by january so he did get one for his birthday. I have not done that again, tough Ihave taken things he likes and kept them forever...little things like those plastic bracelets with words you get everywhere, he loves those (wears dozens) . HE used to love pokemon cards and I would take those too. Not proud of it but it was the only thing that at times would work.
 
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