Daisy...here is that poem on borderline for you

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by DammitJanet, Jun 22, 2011.

  1. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    This says it all to me.

    To the Non Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) in my life.


    I know I love you. do you know it?
    I love you in a way that is more powerful than you could believe.
    I am never in doubt of my love for you...
    I love you even in the darkest depths of rage and hatred, though I can not feel it then..
    I cant let you know this, even though I long to tell you..
    If you knew it you might be able to hurt me.. again. and again.

    I am afraid. such encompassing fear as you will never be able to know.
    I am afraid that I will push you too far.
    I fear for our lives. our love.
    I am afraid of the pain and loneliness. yet I live each day with it.
    I am afraid to trust you. yet I do...
    If I trust you you could hurt me over and over...and you do.

    When I hurt, I hurt worse than you could ever believe possible.
    I want to die when I hurt.. I feel as if I am dying.
    I want to die when I believe that you are the one hurting me...
    I think you hate me... I know what I am.. I have seen it.
    somewhere I know better.. somewhere there is love... but I cant feel it now...
    I want to scream for you to love me... to hold me... to rescue me... but I cant. I am afraid.
    If you heard that you might be able to hurt me...again.

    Franticly I Rage at you, wanting you to hurt too.
    you turn away... it is never enough... I always hurt more.
    You don't see.. you cant see... what it is to be me.
    I Hear what I say...my words a pale shadow against the emotions within me.
    I want you to see I can hurt you too..... but.... it is never enough...
    why aren't you crying?!
    Maybe if you loved me more you would feel like I do,
    your love is never enough.....I always love more..

    Maybe I am not worthy of your love...
    unworthy... unworthy...unworthy.... it echoes in my thoughts
    I scream silently for help... hoping, wishing, praying, that it will be different this time.
    Crying because I cant say that, how badly I need to... I want to.....I cant
    If you heard that you might be able to hurt me ..again.

    Unworthy I am filled with hate....
    I hate you for making me feel unwanted when I love you so much...
    I hate you for not seeing how much I need you to save me...
    I hate myself for being too afraid to say it out loud.
    I hate you for not loving me enough to help me.
    I hate you for not crying like I am..
    I hate myself for the cutting things I say.
    I hate you for loving me when I hate you.. because I cant feel love...Right now.
    it all boils over....

    I hurt.... I hate.. I fear......I want to die.

    I lie alone on the floor sobbing.
    hating myself for the monster within..
    Hating myself for the things I've said..
    Hating you for not rescuing me...
    Hating the fact that I live....
    I hurt ... I feel I am dying inside.
    The pain kills me.. it is torture

    I wonder why you couldn't just love me...save me..
    Cant you see I'm a frightened child?
    you turned away when I needed you...
    how could you not see past the anger to the pain..
    it hurts me... you didn't care to look...
    you didn't want to help me....

    I live and I hurt... and I hurt you..
    I should die so I wont hurt like this.
    I should die to free you from this hell.
    You told me to go ahead... kill myself..
    now I know my worth to you.
    But I couldn't. you wouldn't do it.... I asked you to...
    I tried but I couldn't... I love you too much..
    I want to.. I want to die... but I love you.
    I love you but you abandon me time after time.

    You hate the scars on me... I try not to cut...,
    But if I cant die how else to punish myself ?
    I am unworthy... you want me dead.. I am unloved...
    It has happened again... like I knew it would
    such shame in this... such fear... I want to die.
    the knife is so shiny... I can feel it.. I long for it..
    the hot sting that will free me... I cant... I shouldn't...

    the silent plea comes again..
    weaker this time... help me.. love me... please..I'm so sorry...
    but you cant hear that... you wouldn't believe it.. and I cant say it.
    I want to... I am so alone and afraid...
    Hurting and hating
    I see the way you look at me...
    you said to do it...
    How could someone I love so much not love me too?
    you wont save me.... I hurt.. you want me to die...
    I am such a monster that you want me to die..
    kill myself? it hurts so bad... I cant escape and I cant die..
    Pain numbs pain...
    Maybe Ill just bleed instead..

    Then your arms shelter me, the storm is over...
    you tenderly wipe the blood from me.
    I sit limply.. heartbroken.. betrayed.. aching
    Crying into your chest, long wracking sobs, wailing as if to wake the dead
    your tears fall into my hair as you hold me..
    loving me the best you know how... not understanding... afraid.
    looking up into your eyes filled with fear myself..
    I whisper... I'm sorry...
    we cry and hold each other... both alone...and afraid.. but hoping this time will be the last.
    knowing it wont be...
    slowly you rock me.. I rock you... I wonder how you see me..
    I am tired, drained, safe at last in your arms.
    the tension leaves me and the memory of the past hour fades quickly...
    leaving a headache and the echoing words...
    Save me.....
  2. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    Never in a million years would I have defined that as Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD)....for whatever that shows about me.
  3. KTMom91

    KTMom91 Well-Known Member

  4. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    K...that is classic Borderline. You have no idea how that describes me almost to a T and then this idiot therapist wants to say I dont have it...lol.

    He just hasnt gotten close enough to read the scars on my arm that read HATE
  5. Steely

    Steely Active Member

    This is exactly how my therapist explained it to me.....What a powerful poem....and so much like Matt.Just intense.Who wrote this poem.....you?Amazing.I just wish I knew what to say or do when Matt is in the middle of one of these turmoils.
  6. Steely

    Steely Active Member

    So Janet from your perspective what do people with bd truly need that is healthy whey feel like this.
  7. ready2run

    ready2run New Member

    i see alot of my first love in that poem, thank you for sharing it. he was diagnosed borderline when our daughter was about a year old. our relationship was a never ending version of the ideas here. he'd need me and i'd do whatever i could to rescue him and we'd be just so happy to be together and have each other and then suddenly he'd have a hate for me and push me away. i knew he was sick so i'd fight it and to be honest i was so wrapped up in it that i needed him to love and rescue me the same way. it was very intense, not a dull moment. it is easy to be dragged into that by someone you love and living that way is oddly fullfilling. i miss him dearly, and i'm pretty sure that if he was still alive we'd still be doing that dance of back and forth/ love and hate. i have never felt so alive as i did when i was with him, and everything is all coming back to me now that i have read this. i doubt i will ever feel so intensly loved and needed and so intensly hurt and disappointed again in my life time.
  8. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I didnt write it, I found it on the web but it just resounded so strongly in me that it was like it was written from my very soul.

    I have always told Tony that he needed to just grab me and restrain me in a bear hug type thing like they tell us to restrain our kids, when I was in one of my really bad rages but he never would. He was convinced I would get worse or hate him. Just the opposite but he never believes me.

    What happened for me to actually get somewhat healthy from feeling like that was medication and lots of therapy. It took probably almost 3 years of weekly or twice weekly therapy along with good medications for me to actually stop wanting to either harm myself or others. I tended to take it out on me or my walls. My house looks like hell with all the holes in the walls. By the end of that 3 years, my therapist stopped sneaking looks at my arms and looking alarmed if I even had a scratch. The first year I got questioned intensely. Even a dog scratch I had to explain fully. I have self harmed since I left the hospital. I have hit a wall or two but not many.

    mainly i think that came about because I learned to get in touch with the different actual emotions instead of just feeling anger all the time. anger is a cop out. anger is easy. i learned to feel scared or lonely or sad or ticked off or grief or irritable or sick or needy etc without having to be in a rage. I can actually say the words out loud now someone better take the time to hear me or there will be hell to pay...lol. That is when there is a problem. if I go to all the trouble of using my tools and then I get ignored, I get angry and I get angry loudly. Tony pretty much jumps to attention then and figures out he has messed up on the therapy train then...lol.
  9. Steely

    Steely Active Member

    Wow Janet. I think you and Matt should meet. I mean, your writing sounds just like Matt's attempt to explain to me what is going on. His biggest issue right now is that "no one" LISTENS (and yes he screams it). Maybe I don't - or maybe I listen too much - or maybe I try to fix it which is not helpful either it just makes him madder.

    When he was little and he would rage, I would give him a huge bear hug and refuse to let go. It immediately calmed him down. Now, he is just way too big - I wouldn't chance him flinging me off of him and into a wall (lol). But I could just listen more. I am so confused on what to do because he seems to completely miserable all of the time. I am going to go get some books today on it.

    It just makes me feel so sad - that he is that damaged inside. Especially since I am the one who raised him - I obviously let a lot of people in his life that hurt him mentally and physically. Yet I also know he brought a lot of this on himself through his rages, and when he rages at people rejection always occurs.

    I just keep praying every day that he will make a firm decision to go to a counselor, click with that person, and make some changes.
  10. DaisyFace

    DaisyFace Love me...Love me not


    Thank you SO MUCH for sharing that.

    I see my daughter very clearly in that poem....

    But the million dollar question remains - How? How does one stop or break through the cycle?

    You said:

    And this is what the counselor sort-of suggested....that when my daughter is in a full-blown rage, I should walk over and kiss her on the head.

    My eyes must have gotten wide as saucers and I responded "You are suggesting that I go kiss the bear!"

    husband has had to restrain difficult child on several occassions as she was attempting to hurt herself - but her response was to scream, flail, and kick at him. Me? I am not a large woman. difficult child is about my size. If I were to attempt to restrain her? I would get seriously hurt.

    Do you think a hug or a kiss would really fix it in that moment of violent rage?

    Or is the rage an eruption of painful emotions that just has to run its course? IOW - there is so much emotion boiling up from inside that nothing would stop it?

    And (forgive me if these are too many questions) does therapy focus on getting those emotions under control so they do not boil over? or is the focus something different?

    I do think that difficult child needs to learn emotions. She does not seem to recognize any sensation other than Irritated. "I was irritated." "He was annoying - it made me irritated." "She is irritating." The therapist is trying to work on this, but has not made much progress.
  11. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Well granted I dont think that someone smaller than me could ever contain me unless it was one of my kids because I wouldnt want to hurt them.

    I so badly needed limits and someone to contain me and show me that no matter how bad I was that they werent going to leave me or throw me away and I think that is what every person with borderline needs. We think we are trash and are going to be tossed away. I will be honest here and say that Ms Ally may have one thing wrong, it isnt YOU that needs to start being the one to hug and love her, its daddy. She needs to be brought almost back to a little girl and feel like daddy's little princess.

    The therapy is going to have to be lengthy though. It is tough. She will have to learn to handle feeling irritated and not lash out. I can now get witchy or snappy and just pout or ask for a hug because I dont feel well when before I would throw a plate across the room.

    Let me give a prime example of something that happened right at the beginning of therapy.

    Tony works in construction and often works out of town. I dont worry so much when he is gone because I can call the hotel room but I do worry when he is on the road, especially when he is on the road for a long time. Well, this particular time, they were coming home from near Difficult Child. He had a 6 hour drive to make. He is the driver. Well, the night before he told me that they were leaving at noon that following day so I expected him about 6 or 7 that evening.

    6 came...no Tony. 7 came ...no Tony. 8...9...10...no Tony.

    By 11 I was getting frantic and I called his bosses wife and she said she had not heard from them either.

    Well when he walked in the door about 12 midnite I let him have it with both barrels. I was furious. I was throwing things, I had punched two new holes in the walls, I had thrown his clothes in the yard, I told him to get the F out of the house, I called him everything but a child of god.

    Wanna know why they were late? They had to work till 6. But I didnt even let him get that explanation in and when I started getting angry, he got angry and the match was on.

    I couldnt realize at that time that I wasnt angry, I was scared. I was terrified that because he wasnt home when he said he was going to be home, that he was hurt or lost or on the side of the road dead or any other sort horrible thing.

    Our solution to this...we have two cellphones now and he takes his with him so I can contact him. This has solved many of these issues.