Darnit- where is his brain

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by klmno, Mar 6, 2008.

  1. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    My difficult child is upstairs right now refusing to write over a paper that he was given as puniishment during class today for being careless. If he writes the paper, it's the 1st offense in that class (the 3rd for the year would be getting sent to the principal for a write-up). If he doesn't write it, he gets teacher detention and sent to the office for a write-up. Now, here he has plenty enough problems with school looking for retaliation and trying to prove he shouldn't be in a mainstream school to begin with and I'm fighting school district- thinking of reporting them to the state. All he says is "I don't have a pencil" so he locked himself in his room. He has pencils- am I supposed to take it to him? Where is his head? I feel the pressure, so I come down on him harder after his teacher already has. I understand. But he could have had it written by now and D***-

    Suggestions?
     
  2. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    Well- I had told him he would be grounded until next week if he didn't write it. I just used something to slide open his lock (I wouldn't have put it on the door- it was already here). He is in there writing it and almost has it finished. His attitude though is clearly to get me riled up. Now he is banging things around in there. He doesn't get this way too often anymore since being on lithobid, but PHEWW- when he does....

    :grrr: :nono: :slap: :faint: :crying: :badmood:

    And I do wonder, - do their bodies get used to certain dosages and then that dosage loses effectiveness?
     
  3. Jena

    Jena New Member

    hi

    i'm sorry you are having such a hard time. i have been going thru similar thing with little difficult child the past two weeks now as well regarding homework and stuff.

    she is very defiant same type of attitude. i found myself going crazy trying to "make" her do it and convince her it's what she has to do. i know in your situation it was little different not regular homework.

    this is what i did after a week of banging my already swollen head into wall lol......i simply said ok well here's how it's going to go if you do not do your homework tv privledges she gets 1/2 hr will be taken away adn you will also have to verbalize to your teacher yoruself tomorrow why it is you could not do what was expected of you.

    i tried that for two nights and she suffered the consequences in school tonight she did her homework.

    i know its strange appraoch but i got so so tired of hitting my head against the wall. put hte power back in her hands and said ok then you deal. yet i did take away a privledge she absolutely hates taht i take away something taht i know will make her skin crawl also.

    torture is important :)

    good luck hope that helped
     
  4. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    Why is the school looking for retalitation? I would go ahead and report it to the state, the news and the state senator. Your child shouldn't be punished for school politics.

    I am glad he is writing hte report.

    Susie
     
  5. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    I'm also wondering why the school wants "retaliation?" Does your son have learning problems that make it difficult for him to write or complete his homework? Do you feel his problems have been diagnosed correctly? Do you think he belongs in a mainstream class? Why do the teachers think he doesn't?
     
  6. AprilH

    AprilH Guest

    Hi there!
    He sounds EXACTLY like my son! He had to write a paper last week about disrupting his class and he didn't want to write it either. He sat in his room all weekend until he wrote it, late Sunday night. I think he may have learned a (small) lesson. I wonder where my son's brain is all the time! The thing with my son is that he can have good days; he has before, he just does not want to! As far as medicines losing their efficacy after a period of time, I fully believe that happens; as their body chemistry changes, yes, the medications that they are taking seem to lose their intended effect and that their bodies can become used to the medications also, so the dose needs to be increased or a new medication tried. Several of my son's doctors in the past have told me that, and my research into these medications has shown me that also. It's terrible, these poor kids are basically 'lab monkeys' for all different types of medications to be tried on until a 'magic potion' is found that works! My son has tried (and is trying a new medication combo right now) so many medications in the past few years that I can't keep track of them so I have stacks of prescriptions for reference. As far as my son being diagnosed correctly, I agree with the ADD that his doctors have him labeled as, but I feel that there may be more going on.

    Unfortunately, it may be YEARS before I have a clear diagnosis for him. That's the tough part. Honestly, I don't think your son needs to be in a Special Education class room. He sounds as if he may need to go to a Resource Room for part of the day like my son does, but not an all-out class for kids that are severely disabled. I think that your school is wrong for trying to set it up that way. Also, does your son have an IEP for behavior and education? I was wondering about that because you did not mention that in your post. If he does not, you may want to seriously think about getting one activated, then you can hold his school responsible for not meeting and accommodating for his needs. I am in the process of getting my son's IEP updated. They must be understaffed like my son's school is to be trying to boot him out, and they must be extremely ignorant of your son's needs; that is the impression I am getting from your post. My son has been sent to his Principal's office several times, just like any fully functional kid would be, and I think that is a good thing. I don't want my son to use his disabilities as an excuse to get away with acting outrageously, and I do want him to face natural consequences also. How else am I going to (hopefully) prepare him for the real world and groom him for success (in his own way)?

    My son is always claiming that he has no pencils, yet he hoards them in his room. As your son gets older, you should see that he can buckle down and choose to do the right thing, barring there are no severe learning disabilities, more along the lines of him having ADD/ADHD which can be curbed with the right medications. I think a lot of kids, ones with problems like ours and ones who don't, have tried every excuse under the sun to get out of doing their homework, so take heart in that. In that respect, he is just like any other boy! I hope you have a good day and do not get any calls from the school!
     
  7. Star*

    Star* call 911........call 911

    klmno -


    My son had a horrifically hard time in school. The anxiety was overwhelming for him and it trickled down to me at home in a blast-cap sort of way. Finally I had him placed in 1/2 Sped classes. It was the recommendation of the school and I fought so hard to keep him out of it. I was correct - the stigma of being in Special Education is not repairable. He still thinks he's stupid. He still remembers the "short bus" comments. And honestly he didn't do any better in those classes - and now at 17 he has about a 7th grade education and is struggling so hard through GED classes - I can only say he came to the realization that in his own words he ****** his education away.

    I think to fight a child about homework or nag them is futile. Eventually you will get them to do something if they don't have a complete and utter melt down first but at what cost - I don't think they feel the sense of consequence like we do. I am sure they dont' feel the sense of pride like we do when the get something accomplished or stay out of trouble. I DO think that they will spend MORE energies on trying to avoid something simple than actually doing whatever has been asked and THAT is the mystery of difficult child to me.

    Could you have offered him an alternative to writing in pencil? Could you have challenged him to a race where both of you write the same thing and see who finishes first? A dare if you will? How about offering him a 1st choice - You write the sentences and then we'll........(something fun). Or You don't write the sentences and you are grounded for 3 days. Honestly I found a week was too long for having any meaningful effect on grounding. It actually created more problems with me mostly and until I set up the rules - and on the rules was writing assignments - if they were not completed he got to come home from school every day no tv, no stereo, no games and sit in his room on his bed until dinner, eat and then back to bed. He could do punitive assignments standing on his head - and we would always say out loud - Three days of sitting in your room with no fun seemed like the poor choice when writing 25 sentences would have gotten you your freedom. Eventually he would write - it was a small baby step.

    We also canceled any and I mean ANY fun thing we had planned if the punishment fell on that day. Those days i would love to have back - It seems we did NOTHING growing up with difficult child. He was ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS bucking the system. I think in his mind he did it to punish us. Eventually we started going places without him.

    I don't have a solid answer - but i do know if the school district is threatening you - I'd get a civil rights attorney today. If this is your battle to keep difficult child out of SPED - I get the feeling - maybe like I said you can agree to 1/2 days in SPED - goes to home room and later goes to SPED for some classes he's having the most trouble in - then extra curricular activities like band or art. Ends the day on the long bus...?

    Hugs
    Star
     
  8. Jena

    Jena New Member

    wow i just read everyone else's responses i totally missed the point, didn't i?? oh i'm so sorry knew i should stay away from boards for a while........ :)

    anyhow good luck

    Jen
     
  9. Steely

    Steely Active Member

    Just wanted to send hugs.
    Unfortunately this is such typical behavior for my difficult child, it makes me want to plaster a big ODD label right on his forehead, and remark to him, "as if there was any doubt!"
    Sometimes I think he is in actual opposition with himself - as your son might be. He wants to do the paper, knows he should do the paper - but there is too much pressure surrounding the issue, causing him to internally rebel.

    The only advice I can give is to possibly back away, and let him deal with this - and all the repercussions fully. I have had incidents where I just totally pretended not to care about something that was pivotal in difficult children life. Strikingly, in the end, when the pressure is off, he manages to do the right thing. It is hard though - especially when things are really important.

    As far as Lithobid - no the dose should not be something that he gets used to or adapts to. Sometimes when kids grow the level has to be increased - but also - even with medications bi-polar people will have moodiness, and break through mania - especially if there is a lot of stress. My difficult child can become manic with a lot of stress, even on his medications..........but the difference is that it is usually short lived, and quickly reeled in, rather than something that spirals out of control.

    Good luck.:peaceful:
     
  10. house of cards

    house of cards New Member

    You have my sympathy, I am in similar waters with my difficult child. Mine absolutely hates writing...he is a tiny little bit better if he can use the computer, but I haven't any helpful ideas for dealing with the twisted thought processes that get them in these spots.
     
  11. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    Thanks for all the responses. You guys have great suggestions and info (thanks Steely for Lithobid input). I have learned about the backing off but I definitely need the reminder sometimes. After I wrote the first post is when I went to his room and "slid" through the lock. He had most of the paper written then so I guess he started it while I was starting this. :) He should be thankful I found this site, too!

    His story about the incident was that they were using xacto knives in art class when he turned to chat with another kid a minute. When he turned back to work again and starting cutting, he then realized that it was his friend's (who was sitting next to him) paper he was cutting on, so he stopped. He said he should have looked better first and his friend had just slid his paper to the side a little to cut sideways or something.

    Anyway, I emailed the teacher and without getting into what difficult child told me, just asked what her take on it was. I got a repsonse like "I saw it myself and know it happened and even careless, unsafe, and silly behavior cannot be tolerated when xacto knives are used". ok, I didn't doubt it happened- I just wanted to see how she viewed the incident and took it by her repsonse that it was careless, unsafe, and/or silly, but not intentional destructiveness or aggression.

    Then, this afternoon I got the weekly behavior report, which gets copied to the principal. It says- from same teacher- "I saw him leaning over and slashing paper templates that I had carefully put together for students to use to help them."

    Am I being biased by thinking that something is not adding up with the way things are conveyed here? This is just one example, but this sort of thing happens a lot, year after year, and typically after I start asking questions or expecting more from school administrators or teachers. And of course, the "slashing report" is the one to get documented because it is in his weekly behavior report.
     
  12. Steely

    Steely Active Member

    You know, what you are describing with this school district is called prejudicial treatment. They have deemed him a "bad boy", and therefore anything he does has to either match their label of "bad boy", or be so over the top good that is there is no room for argument that he is being acceptable in his behavior. Does that make sense? It's like he already has 20 strikes against him before he even starts. It is crazy making - for you, for him, and it is oh so not right.

    I went through this for years with my difficult child and the schools. He got blamed for stuff he did not do, his actions were twisted into being worse than they were, parents started complaining that he should not be in the class with "their" kids, neighbors told my friends and people I was dating that difficult child was bad and they should not hang around me - after years of this, he eventually internally categorized himself as bad. Just writing this makes me so sad and mad again, I feel physically like lightning has hit my nervous system - I guess because there are no solutions for this stereotyping and discriminations done against our mentally ill children. Grrrr........

    All of that to say - maybe moving would be beneficial??? If everyone at your present school has your son pegged as bad, than moving might be step in a new direction. Not to say that if he acts up, this cycle won't start again - but he sounds so much more stable now - that perhaps he will just be a "kid with a few problems" rather than "bad".

    Just my 2 cents:sheepish:
     
  13. meowbunny

    meowbunny New Member

    I'm with Steely. They've decided he's a "bad kid" and treat him accordingly. It is next to impossible for a kid to have any type of chance with that label. My daughter had it. The only way to get around was to totally move her to another school district -- one with some compassion and understanding. One that agreed to give her a chance and not label her before she walked in the door. It didn't keep her in school but it did help in daily battles at school and did help her self-esteem.

    by the way -- When my daughter was given an extra writing assignment about her behavior, it would go back with her the next undone and note from me saying, "This is a SCHOOL issue. Please see that this paper is done at school, either during recess, lunch or free period. I will not be responsible for her writing this on top of her daily homework. Thank you for your understanding." (Yup, I had this on my computer and ready to print out as necessary.) The school didn't like it but I refused to be put in the middle of forcing my child to write a paper on not listening in class -- writing it down made no difference to her behavior so, why should I engage in an unnecessary battle. They wanted the paper, they could have "fun" forcing her to write it.
     
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